Gf's friend is in love with her. Advice needed.

LegacyUser

To keep this short I will try and summarise as best I can. I’m in a serious relationship with my girlfriend (year and a half, very much in love, talk about marriage, kids etc) but one issue keeps cropping up and is really getting me down – her friend Jack is in love with her.
They were best friends throughout college, dated on and off in between her other relationships. This dating comprised of a few kisses and they slept together once. The friendship is very important to her, loads in common, get on really well, but she never really saw him as any more than that. Cynically I imagine that she probably enjoyed the constant attention and security.

Now all of her other boyfriends have had a massive problem with Jack being on the scene. She stopped hanging out with him while going out with most of them, but would always start again as soon as the relationships ended. I knew a bit about this when I first met her and thought they all sounded a bit insecure as she assured me that as it had been years since anything had happened between her and Jack, he was definitely over it now. He’s not.

I have met him twice now. The last time, on a night out with my friends that I was severely unhappy about him being there on anyway, I left early due to this, as did she because I was annoyed, and later, one of my best friends drunkenly asked Jack what the deal was with him and my girlfriend. He told her that he was trying to get away from my girlfriend, but she just wouldn’t let him go.

I’ll point out here that I know she loves me and has no feelings for Jack, but, she honestly doesn’t see a problem with hanging out with him even though she knows he is in love with her. I told her what he said about her just not leaving him alone to get over her and it didn’t faze her at all. From what I can see, he is getting on with his life, but she is always the one who calls or texts him to arrange to meet.

Now, she has only seen him twice in the time we have been together and I was there both times. After the last time, she said that she wouldn’t see him for a few months “until he gets over it”. Though she did call him in front of me one night when we had a massive argument over an ex of mine. (She later agreed that she had overreacted and that I hadn’t done anything wrong) I have told her that I think it’s fairly horrible to continue to hang onto him and not let him move on, but she just doesn’t get it as he’s her friend and she misses him. She told me recently, after asking me if I would be okay with her meeting up with him that day, that the only reason she has not been in contact with him is to make me happy. I hate that she doesn’t care about how selfish she is being to both of us. She’s upsetting me (just to note, she is good friends with several of her exes, as I am with mine, I get on with them and it’s not just that I have a problem with her hanging out with exes at all)

Maybe I am wrong, which is why I am looking for opinions, but out of respect, isn’t it a given that you don’t hang out with exes/ friends that are in love with you? Also, am I right to be upset by her selfishness at refusing to let him get over it in his own time? That’s the worst bit for me, I don’t know why, but it makes her seem cruel and selfish and I don’t want to think of her as either of those things.

I don’t want to be controlling or for her to resent me. But I can’t stand the situation. I love her so much and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but this gets to me so badly. She wanted to meet him the other day and I know she is going to keep asking how I feel about it every few months again. I have stopped hanging out with friends for her, including one that I knew was a bit into me and I didn’t want to treat badly. The funny thing about this is that I asked, early on in the relationship if I could meet an ex for coffee and she said she would lose all respect for me because I knew the girl was still in love with me and it would be a hurtful thing to not just drop out of the exes life so that she could move on!

LegacyUser

Wow, how can she not see that she's doing the exact same thing that she said she'd lose all respect for you if you had done it?

I don't know how you can get through to her really. It is sad that her ex keeps letting her treat him that way. You definitely aren't wrong, but I don't know what you can do about the situation. You've explained it to her, and she just seems not to care.

Maybe you could ask her about getting back in contact with the ex who had feelings for you, the way she asks you about Jack? And when she reacts as would be expected, try to turn the situation around and make her see that she's doing that same thing herself?

LegacyUser

Cynically I imagine that she probably enjoyed the constant attention and security

That's not cynical. You're bang on the money there. He's an 'ego fluffer'. As a woman I'll admit to doing the same myself in the past.

She's enjoying it mate. She's prick teasing him and enjoying watching you being jealous. She probably isn't aware herself what she is doing. For me it took me a few years to mature and see it wasn't right. How would she feel if you did the same?

You can't have an honest friendship with someone who is 'in love with' you. It's unfair on everyone. She might try pulling the 'control' card. But it's not control to expect your BF/GF to not be leading someone on just for sh!ts and giggles. It's shallow and selfish.

I've sacrificed a few of these dodgy 'friendships' over the years as that's the mature thing to do for everyone.

Good luck.