Can someone please explain this family situation to me.

CorkMan

My Father has a sister (my aunt), whose name is Rachel. Rachel married a man and moved in with his family, and forgot about her own family. There is about 18 sisters/brothers in total in her husbands family, and she talks to them and helps them out, but not her own.

My Father lost his wife when he was 28 years of age and had 2 young children to rear, but the same women never once came to the door to give assistance over the years. My Grandad (on my Fathers side) used to go up to her to get food, but she charged him for any food he got, even though he did not have a load of money. Basically the women dumped her own family and moved in with her "new family".

My cousins, my aunt Rachels sons & daughters, have never talked to me. They might salute me the odd time, but that is that. They never played with me when I was a child despite living closeby sometimes, they never called into the house for dinner. Yet they went over to my aunt Rachel's mother-in-law every week. My Father, my Sister and I were on our own, only 3 of us. There were 18 sisters and brothers on the side of my aunts husbands family, but there was never any contact or help, no assistance even when my Dad had to raise a 1 year old daughter and 2 year old son by himself. My Dad had to cook and clean, do a part-time work when me and my sister were at school, pick us up when we were finished.

I could never understand why this happened, does anyone else know?

LegacyUser

it's impossible to know really, but if i had to guess, i'd say bad blood from childhood. maybe your grandparents didn't treat them equally or something like that, and she carries that resentment still. if she conveyed any of that hurt to her own children then that might explain them being distant. i've experienced lots of this kind of thing in my own family between aunts and uncles, and i just put it down to being due to unpleasant situations when they were kids.

LegacyUser

Nobody here will be able to tell you, any answer is mere speculation. It could be that Rachel suffered some form of abuse at the hands of her own family which made her want to stay away from the lot. It could also be that she simply had a stupid fight but was too proud to ever make amends.

If you want answers, maybe start by asking your father, and for objectivity, contact Rachel - not to confront, but to genuinely attempt to find out. Maybe write her a letter so that she doesn't feel put in a spot.

I would suggest you avoid any type of accusations, though. Your post seems quite biased (i.e. 'my poor father had it so tough, she never cared' - in all fairness, she wasn't obliged to help, your father did what he had to do and what is expected of many parents who happens to be single, i.e., raise his children on his own) even though you obviously don't know what's happened, so try to be open-minded. There's always two sides to a story, so try and listen to hers.

Taltos

OK I am going to come at this a different way.
Why do you care?
Seriously - this is just the way your family has been for as long as you can remember. So whatever happened in the past his zero to do with you. Just because you might bemoan the lengths she has gone to for the rest of her family, does not mean you have any right to demand or request the same for yours.

Sometimes families just don't get on, and sometimes the only way to live your life happily is to cut yourself off from those you were born to. This sounds like something she has chosen to do.

I really do have to agree with the poster above - your post does come across as "oh poor da.." a bit too much of the martry there as well as jealousy of the relationship she has with her husband's extended (and now hers) family. Yes your father may not have had an easy life - but few of us have. At the moment - you are only seeing one aspect of your aunts life - you have no clue what it is she may have gone through or is going through.

If you really want to know - you have to ask your father - no-one here can tell you or help you on this. Be prepared though - your father will probably not be 100% honest with you - or if he is it may be that you learn something about your family you would prefer not to know. Writing her a letter or contacting her - that is a last resort to me and if she chooses not to respond - how will you react? No matter what you have to respect that she may not want anything to do with you or your father.

ash23

It happens, especially in large families. There have been some massive falling outs in my family over the years, to the point where nobody actually remembers the reasons anymore. The stories tend to grow legs and warp into something that barely resembles the truth.

As for your father, well yes, it'd have been nice if he'd had some family support. However there are loads of men and women raising kids by themselves with little or no family support. Doing all the cleaning, cooking, washing, minding and holding down jobs full time.
It happens. Don't put your dad up on a pedestal. He did what he had to do and fair play to him. But at the same time, there's no need to make him into a martyr. He did what nearly any parent would do in those circumstances. He got on with raising the children he had.

It wasn't his sisters job to take over when your father became a single parent. Your father may not know (or may not be telling you) why she isn't involved in your family but it's pretty clear it's not going to change.
You don't know this woman or the reasons she is the way she is.

I'd just let sleeping dogs lie and get it out of your mind that your father was somehow hard done by when she didn't rush to his side to help him raise his children.

Sleepy

It could simply be a case that she doesn't like her own family. While, for many, your family are a group you are obliged to be close to and support, others see no more than a biological connection and have little interest in pursuing it.

My uncle (and godfather) married a woman when I was a child who, from what I could tell looked down on my family for some reason (child's point of view and never asked for more details so liberal dose of salt required tbh). Prior to that he'd been a very actively involved uncle to the point where he could have been accused of spoiling us a little. Once he had his own family, however, we saw less and less of him to the point that I haven't seen him in 16/17 years and his kids are now adults that I've not met since they were toddlers.

It happens OP. The Chinese have a proverb along the lines of "The Devils give you your family but the Gods let you choose your friends".

IrishEyes19

Taltos wrote: »

OK I am going to come at this a different way.
Why do you care?
Seriously - this is just the way your family has been for as long as you can remember. So whatever happened in the past his zero to do with you. Just because you might bemoan the lengths she has gone to for the rest of her family, does not mean you have any right to demand or request the same for yours.

Sometimes families just don't get on, and sometimes the only way to live your life happily is to cut yourself off from those you were born to. This sounds like something she has chosen to do.

I really do have to agree with the poster above - your post does come across as "oh poor da.." a bit too much of the martry there as well as jealousy of the relationship she has with her husband's extended (and now hers) family. Yes your father may not have had an easy life - but few of us have. At the moment - you are only seeing one aspect of your aunts life - you have no clue what it is she may have gone through or is going through.

If you really want to know - you have to ask your father - no-one here can tell you or help you on this. Be prepared though - your father will probably not be 100% honest with you - or if he is it may be that you learn something about your family you would prefer not to know. Writing her a letter or contacting her - that is a last resort to me and if she chooses not to respond - how will you react? No matter what you have to respect that she may not want anything to do with you or your father.

to be honest, I can see why she cares. I come from a family who are extremely close. And if one of parents had a sister/brother who cut themselves off, id be curious and slightly sad about it. For the simple reason, blood is thicker than water would be important to me. Id have liked to known my cousins better and of course known my aunt/uncle. That goes without saying.

Taltos is right though, OP, you'll have to ask your dad first. First step forward