Will he ever talk to me again

LegacyUser

Long story short. Was seeing this guy for a while, fell very hard for him. It ended and then, started again, and then ended another 4 times with me wanting a relationship and him only wanting to be friends. since then its been him contacting me after "it ending" wanting to still be as close and friends. No sex and such, but just be friends. I didnt want it, as I still have feelings for him and its too hard.

Its a bizarre situation in that though he doesnt want a relationship and after horrendous fights , he still wants to be part of each others lives. At the end of the day he's a good guy sort of, but was sometimes cruel too during us seeing each other, so its a tough one.

fast foward two months after our last fight, he makes contact again, and wants to be friends. I explain very simply that I cant be friends, but I let the past go. we end up talking a lot as we do, and he wants to meet up a few times, but I wasnt ready so made excuses regarding work ect.

this weekend he happens to be away, and texts me quite late, the text stating how he only could think of to text me and also then goes on to describe the last time we had had sex together in quite a vulgar way. it was shocking to me, as not since 6 months before when we ended our intimate relationship did he ever talk like that, as he knew how I felt about him, plus the text was really strong language. I never speak like that

I thought it was a joke and I asked him, thinking it was the lads but he protested it wasnt and said it was just how he was feeling.

Next thing, he stops replying after I said, I hoped it was him. The next day I text him asking did he get home ok?

He never replied, and since he's been on fb twice he's logged off very fast avoiding me I presume

It just sucks because Im not angry at him, now obviously I dont want those type of texts as it just makes things unfair for me, I still have feelings for him, so its very confusing.
And if he;'s embrassed about it, well me texting him if got home ok the next day, shows Im not annoyed or in any way awkward.

So now Im thinking Ive lost him completely, and that he'll just be off with me from now on. Such a pain, because truthfull, when he text me when he was in another city and there was no chance of us seeing each other that night anyway, it was nice.

But my pain problem is now, him avoiding me. that hurts. Considering with all the fights we've had, and things said before, and he's never not replied, or avoided me online. It felt like I had done something wrong. sigh

Any insights on this anyone. thanks

LegacyUser

You havn't done anything wrong OP. I actually think its a blessing in disguise that he's avoiding you now. Him messaging you sexual stuff in vulgar language was very disrespectful towards you, your feelings for him and the past you've had together. It sounds like he was horny and decided to text you because he knows you like him and he thought you'd go along with it. I think you need to listen to your gut and dont try to stay in touch with him. He's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship, you owe it to yourself not to hang on hoping for one and looking for clues that he cares about you in very dubius places.

Doirtybirdy

I would have rang him to see if it was him texting.
Is it just me or do people not ring each other any more? It would solve a lot of complications.
It probably wasn't him texting you know,probably a mate of his.It could be that he knows about the texts but just isn't interested.
These are the things you learn the facts about a whole lot quicker by just talking.
Then you can really move on

coolcat63

He was drunk and horny and got off on sending you explicit messages. Nothing more than that, I'm afraid. Time to move on and look for a new relationship that is more balanced, less fraught. BTW, he probably hasn't been in touch because he feels a bit of a dick (!) for what he did You haven't done a thing wrong.

LegacyUser

Op here, well he talked to me again, in our conversation no mention of before, then we were talking about relationships and pulling.........sigh. hate that word.

its just so bizarre. one minute he sends that text and now talking about me getting with other guys. its hurtful.

LegacyUser

was their really any need to make two threads on the same story?
you have a previous thread with a different name and same story (exact)

to stay on topic
short and simple : leave him alone cut contact , you can do better and you will do better
hes not worth your time and your feelings obviously mean nothing to him if hes treating you this way
gl OP

Taltos

Why are you wasting your time either with him or worring about him.
Seriously - he is incapable of being what you need - cut him out of your life permanently and try to meet different people. As long as you allow him to feed off you I am afraid you will never move on.

LegacyUser

okaymojo wrote: »

was their really any need to make two threads on the same story?
you have a previous thread with a different name and same story (exact)

to stay on topic
short and simple : leave him alone cut contact , you can do better and you will do better
hes not worth your time and your feelings obviously mean nothing to him if hes treating you this way
gl OP

well sorry. Wasnt getting any answers on the other one.

Well to be honest its not that short and simple as you make it out to be. Its been a long two years and I find it very hard to walk away since so much as gone on. And Ive pulled the plug many times but he begs me to be friends. and its really hard.

Its very easy to stand back and be critical. But Ive always been very independent and strong. Ive just got caught here in this web and its hard to get out.
But nevertheless I know myself I cant do this anymore. Im just struggling at this point.

Maple

Tbf, I don't understand why everyone is calling the guy a dick. He's told the OP he doesn't want a relationship, he likes her enough to be her friend and he would like to keep her in his life as a friend. He's not using her for sex or anything of that nature. I think the text was ridiculous and nasty and I'd have told him to bog off with himself if I'd received that.

But the fact is OP, this is your choice to keep him around. He's not going to change his mind, you hanging around hoping he's going to wake up and realise you're the love of his life is not going to happen. He sees you as a friend and that's why he's talking to you about other guys etc. He's not setting out to hurt your feelings, he's talking to you as a friend would.

If you think he should be more considerate of your feelings, well it's your choice to stick around. He's been upfront that he doesn't want a relationship so I think it's unfair of people to call him a prick.

Just make the call to put yourself and your heart first, you can't be his friend so put yourself first and just stop bringing him into your life. You're responsible for your own feelings, not him.

Maple

sunflower27 wrote: »

Probably because he has called it off 4 times and despite knowing the OP wants more, he is happy to send her dirty texts to get himself off.

He sounds like your typical user to me.

He sent one text on one occasion.

And each time the OP has gone back to this guy and each time he's explained that he doesn't want a relationship. She's enabling him and needs to take responsibility for her own feelings and actions.

LegacyUser

Maple wrote: »

He sent one text on one occasion.

And each time the OP has gone back to this guy and each time he's explained that he doesn't want a relationship. She's enabling him and needs to take responsibility for her own feelings and actions.

Maple I think if you knew the situation more, you wouldnt be so harsh. I respect your feelings as a moderator. But I have never contacted this guy first. He has turned up at where I go out, sent me drunk texts. Sends me dirty messages and when I end it on a bad note or on a good note. He still comes back.

I'll also add its very easy for someone behind a computer screen to state Im enabling him. But Im not. Ive done everything in my power to put the bullet in this. My reasons for being afriad he wouldnt talk to me again, was the messages were so explicit, I didnt want it to end like that, because we live too close to each other not to have a run in. I wanted no oddities or discomfort.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

I get that she needs to look at her own behaviour and addressed that in my original post. But he is aware of the pull he has over her and that is what gets to me. I've had it in my past when i knew someone was into me and I did not feel the same. I didn't use that to my advantage knowing that long-term there was no future.

Of course she shouldn't be going there, but him popping back on the scene is selfish imo.

I just don't like the sound of him at all.

thanks Sunflower and I will add I have not met up with him since the FIRST time he didnt want a relationship and we ended it. I have refused on all occasions, told him to leave me alone, deleted his number, moved on.

And Maple, friends dont sent dirty messages like that. if I wrote here what he said, Im sure your opinions would be different. So eh, I dont appreciate the way you are making me out to be here. Im quite strong in most situations. this one has gotten way out of control. And I havent asked the guy for a relationship again at all, I TOLD HIM WE WERE NOT FRIENDS!!! So I am not enabling this.

LegacyUser

Maple wrote: »

He sent one text on one occasion.

And each time the OP has gone back to this guy


I HAVE NEVER GONE BACK!!! Im saying that in capitals, because you dont seem to be getting that point. I have never made contact with him at all. And he has sent many other texts, this one being the worst. Another one was when I didnt meet up to go to a party he was having at the early hours, he decided to tell me it didnt matter because he was going to a girls house after anyway.

Taltos

OP - here is what you need to do - though you will not like it.

Next time he calls or texts - respond with these words
"F*** off and leave me alone, don't want to hear from you again. Now just fap off."
And that's it - no matter what comes - what begging texts, calls from friends do not respond. If your friends keep bugging you - tell them clearly - this guy is no good for you as a friend or in any other way and they "have to respect" your choice, they might not like it but it is none of their business.

Harsh - yes. But effective - yup...

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

OP - here is what you need to do - though you will not like it.

Next time he calls or texts - respond with these words
"F*** off and leave me alone, don't want to hear from you again. Now just fap off."
And that's it - no matter what comes - what begging texts, calls from friends do not respond. If your friends keep bugging you - tell them clearly - this guy is no good for you as a friend or in any other way and they "have to respect" your choice, they might not like it but it is none of their business.

Harsh - yes. But effective - yup...

thanks, Taltos and I appreciate it, Ive been trying that too. Honestly. Ive ignored texts as well. Trust me I was doing really well for at least three months where there was no contact until one incident where he turned up at a place I was.

Maple

sadgirl19 wrote: »

Maple I think if you knew the situation more, you wouldnt be so harsh. I respect your feelings as a moderator. But I have never contacted this guy first. He has turned up at where I go out, sent me drunk texts. Sends me dirty messages and when I end it on a bad note or on a good note. He still comes back.
.

My being a moderator has absolutely zero to do with my post, I posted as a regular user.

In terms of my being harsh, I posted in direct response to what you have posted here. How am I to know that there is more going on behind the scenes, I'm not a mind reader. I responded to exactly the information you've provided. It's impossible to give advice without the full scenario, even more if you're holding back.

sadgirl19 wrote: »

I'll also add its very easy for someone behind a computer screen to state Im enabling him. But Im not. Ive done everything in my power to put the bullet in this. My reasons for being afriad he wouldnt talk to me again, was the messages were so explicit, I didnt want it to end like that, because we live too close to each other not to have a run in. I wanted no oddities or discomfort.

This is the second time you've stated on thread that it's easy for someone to be strong and give advice from behind a computer screen, are you even looking for advice at all?

The facts are that you've stated in your posts that you liked the fact that he texted you from another city, and that it hurts that you felt like he's avoiding you, and then you're hurt that he sent you that text but on the next time you're talking he asks you if you've met someone new.

You're not doing everything within your power to end it, you like this guy so you keep hoping he's going to cop onto himself. That sucks, it really does, it hurts to think that he's ok with this lopsided friendship/relationship which is leaving you in an emotional swirl.

You don't have to have a run in with this guy, life doesn't have to be so dramatic. Just be strong and not respond, you want more than he is prepared to give and that's ok. Just try not to let him in, because it's doing you no favours. It has been two years, that is a long time to waste on someone who doesn't want you to care for them.

Sleepy

He was drunk, horny and hoping to get a booty call out of you. Tell him you've no more interest in being friends and delete his number. Ignore any future texts or calls and if you don't trust your willpower, change your number and don't give him the new one.

Oh, and block him from Facebook.

Maple

sadgirl19 wrote: »

Long story short. Was seeing this guy for a while, fell very hard for him. It ended and then, started again, and then ended another 4 times with me wanting a relationship and him only wanting to be friends.

sadgirl19 wrote: »

I HAVE NEVER GONE BACK!!! Im saying that in capitals, because you dont seem to be getting that point.

Shout all you want, I'm responding to the above. You state you want a relationship, he doesn't, it goes back and forth another 4 times.

Taltos

sadgirl19 wrote: »

thanks, Taltos and I appreciate it, Ive been trying that too. Honestly. Ive ignored texts as well. Trust me I was doing really well for at least three months where there was no contact until one incident where he turned up at a place I was.

This is ONLY going to work if you insist it works.
Right now you have all the power here - but for some reason you are giving it away to him? I wonder if this is because you don't feel you deserve to be happy?

Look - you obviously have a lot going for you otherwise he would not keep coming around sniffing at you.
Here is how you have to view him - he is not even as good as a dog in heat. This is all about him making himself feel like the "MAN" by using you - yes using you - and you are letting him.

Take control of your life. Enough is enough. Make a stand and stick to it - no one deserves to be messed around - however right now - you are letting him. So to coin some capitals - STOP IT NOW.
It will be tough - but only you can do this - and once you stick to this and remember how he views you you can - remember - he does NOT see you as a person or an equal - he see's you as an ego boost or an object to get off over.... STOP IT...

ash23

You did enable him on this occasion though as you replied to his vulgar text. And then you texted him the next day asking if he got home ok. So you are allowing him back into your life and you have to accept that and change it.

He was looking for some sexting to get his ego stroked and to get off on it because he didn't pull. It really isn't anymore than that. He shows up when he wants to get laid. He keeps you in his life because he knows you like him and will respond to his messages and his advances and he can go a feck off until the next time he's bored and horny or whatever.

I would tell him you have enough friends, you don't want his friendship and you would prefer if he never contacts you again. Oh, he will text and call again. And that's when you ignore and ignore and ignore until he finds his next shcmuck who will tolerate his crappy behaviour and accept whatever crumbs he deigns them worthy of.

You deserve more than this shoddy treatment and if you believed that, you'd have nipped it in the bud a long time ago. Think of someone you know who is confident and happy in themselves. Ask yourself what they would do in this situation and I think you know the answer would be "they'd tell him to go take a flying leap". Be that person. Believe you are worthy of a decent relationship, not just being some guys ego massage.

Distorted

I don't think a decent guy would keep someone dangling like this who obviously has an emotional weakness for them. The guy is a user and playing on the OP's affection for him. He doesn't want to be proper friends - his definition of friendship is keeping the OP dangling for his amusement when he gets bored. Its not a reciprocal friendship - he appears to be supplying the OP with nothing but grief and the crude text is just repulsive. Theres more than one way of using someone and often e prolonged emotional using of someone is worse than using someone for sex.

OP - I'd be asking myself what is in this for me. I know its hard when you're not a user yourself but just a genuine honest person but it might help in this instance, because all you seem to get out of knowing this guy is grief. In which case, I'd be tempted to adopt Taltos's response. To be honest, I'd be getting to the stage I'd be struggling to take him and all his melodramatic declarations of friendship/not wanting a relationship/horniness seriously and telling him to take a long hike and not come back...

Distorted

Apologies - no idea why that same reply posted itself twice!

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

I don't think a decent guy would keep someone dangling like this who obviously has an emotional weakness for them. The guy is a user and playing on the OP's affection for him. He doesn't want to be proper friends - his definition of friendship is keeping the OP dangling for his amusement when he gets bored. Its not a reciprocal friendship - he appears to be supplying the OP with nothing but grief and the crude text is just repulsive. Theres more than one way of using someone and often e prolonged emotional using of someone is worse than using someone for sex.

OP - I'd be asking myself what is in this for me. I know its hard when you're not a user yourself but just a genuine honest person but it might help in this instance, because all you seem to get out of knowing this guy is grief. In which case, I'd be tempted to adopt Taltos's response. To be honest, I'd be getting to the stage I'd be struggling to take him and all his melodramatic declarations of friendship/not wanting a relationship/horniness seriously and telling him to take a long hike and not come back...

thanks, Distorted. I completely agree. I was actually in tears today, sigh, just going over how far this has gone. I really want out of it. Im just going to have to be strong and tell him where to go for good and change my number. Its the only way forward I guess.

trio

OK, I'm genuinely confused on one point.

You say you have told him several times you do not want to be friends. Yet every time he contacts you, you respond.

Even when he sent you that horrible text, you text him the next day asking if he got home ok.

How is this not being friends? I'm not being snarky, I just don't get it. Those are the actions of a friend.

Op here, well he talked to me again, in our conversation no mention of before, then we were talking about relationships and pulling.........sigh. hate that word.

And this is the conversation of a friend.

If you really didn't want to be friends, you would be blanking him.

And these conversations you have with him are making you feel rotten. Why? Because you know you don't want to be friends with him. Your instincts are dead right, you can't be friends with this man.

But you don't seem to realise what "not being friends" means in reality. I know you live nearby. But not being friends means not answering his calls or texts.

I mean, this thread is called "Will he ever talk to me again?" Seriously - do you want to be his friend or NOT???

gypsy_rose

sadgirl19 wrote: »

thanks Sunflower and I will add I have not met up with him since the FIRST time he didnt want a relationship and we ended it. I have refused on all occasions, told him to leave me alone, deleted his number, moved on.

And Maple, friends dont sent dirty messages like that. if I wrote here what he said, Im sure your opinions would be different. So eh, I dont appreciate the way you are making me out to be here. Im quite strong in most situations. this one has gotten way out of control. And I havent asked the guy for a relationship again at all, I TOLD HIM WE WERE NOT FRIENDS!!! So I am not enabling this.

Right Op, so you are totally not enabling this.

So if you want to get away from him and sever all contact but he keeps texting you, you get a new sim card (meteor do them for free) send a message to your friends on facebook with your new number and block him on facebook if you haven't already, and never hear from him again.

This is incredibly obvious, I would honestly be shocked if you hadn't thought of this yourself....


Edit: OK I see you said you'll have to change your number, I'm pretty surprised you didn't do this earlier if you so desperatly wanted to get away from him, it's not exactly hard. I also believe that we are responsible for our own happiness and if people make you unhappy you cut them out and don't just sit there sighing "poor me."

LegacyUser

gypsy_rose wrote: »

Right Op, so you are totally not enabling this.

So if you want to get away from him and sever all contact but he keeps texting you, you get a new sim card (meteor do them for free) send a message to your friends on facebook with your new number and block him on facebook if you haven't already, and never hear from him again.

This is incredibly obvious, I would honestly be shocked if you hadn't thought of this yourself....


Edit: OK I see you said you'll have to change your number, I'm pretty surprised you didn't do this earlier if you so desperatly wanted to get away from him, it's not exactly hard. I also believe that we are responsible for our own happiness and if people make you unhappy you cut them out and don't just sit there sighing "poor me."

I wasn't sitting there poor me. And I have already today taken care of the changing number issue as well as fb and other contact methods. I did slip in the past contact wise in that I replied. I didnt always reply by the way. I hadnt until I got that crude message and decided enough was enough and the conversation we had was merely me finding out did he send it or was it a friend.

Furthermore, I did text to see he got home ok as I wondered was he off his head that, and yes two years conjures up feelings so I was worried was he on a ditch somewhere. So as to people saying you text him that, so lie in your own bed for use other words. Well amazingly you cant just turn off feelings even when you know in your heart its not right. It ebbs away slowly thank god, but doesnt go straight away.

But as I said, I have taken action today. Doing my best at the moment.

WANTStoWORK

Delete his phone number from your mobile and block his page on FB, this guy doesen't know what he wants and sounds so very imature, drop him like a hot brick and get on with your own life.

LegacyUser

Op Id highly assume he was drunk when he sent that text! the fact that you say you received it at a late time would nearly confirm that for me! Iv been guilty of doing stupid stuff like that myself recently enough. Infact I had a fairly similar situation except Im a guy, you know what when I look back on it now, I look at myself and go "you idiot" This is your call at the end of the day, but do you really want to be with someone that doesnt feel the same about you? This bull**** of telling you he's going home with other girls etc, honestly I dont even know where to start! Once contact stopped with girl I was seeing, immediately my mind was so much clearer and I was so much happier! Id say he meant the friends thing to either a. soften the blow b. keep options open c. for friends with benefits scenario.

Distorted

sadgirl19 wrote: »

Well amazingly you cant just turn off feelings even when you know in your heart its not right. It ebbs away slowly thank god, but doesnt go straight away.

Its not easy to see people in the clear light of day when you are still emotionally attached to them. To be honest, I wouldn't put much credence in the excuses people are making for him on here or his claim to want to be friends. Actions speak louder than words. To me, who doesn't know him, his behaviour sounds a bit calculated and like he just wants you there for emotional backup when it suits him. A true friend is there for you in bad times and good and he doesn't sound anything like a friend. Decent guys do not send you disgusting texts in the heat of the moment like he did and then stop talking to you. He actually sounds like a total ***e and you've dodged a real bullet with that one.

You sound as though you are beginning to see him for what he is really like and I bet in a couple of months time you will be wondering why you wasted so much time on him. Ignoring someone or telling them to get lost if they are persistent is very empowering, you've nothing to lose (certainly not a good friend) so go for it!