New relationship concerns

texthimornot

Hi
I am just looking for some advice at the start of a new relationship. After being engaged and now single for a while this is the third potential relationship I am in since the last two didnt work out- one because I didnt sleep with him soon enogh and the other because I think I slept with him too soon! So you can see why I am totally confused now going into this third potential relationship.


I met this guy and gave him my number. We chatted through texts and we agreed to meet up for a bite to eat. We did and we had a kiss and everything was fine. I wasnt initallly massively physically attracted to him and was still hurt by my last relationship experience so I wasnt sure how I really felt. We continued to chat on the phone and text for a few days and arranged to meet up again. Just before we met up I felt I probably wasnt being that fair to him and re-explained my engagement situation (he already knew) and how I wasnt ready for a relationship.

He kept saying lets just meet as friends we dont have to do anything etc etc. After much trying on his part I said it wasnt fair to meet him and lead him on and that I wasnt interested in a relationship right now etc. From that day on he continued to text me every day to see how I was and I kept saying im not ready for anything. Then he went on hols and contiuned the texts saying be lovely to have me there, someday he would bring me and all that. I in no way led him on and if I was anything I was prob a bit harsh in continuing to tell him I hadnt changed my mind about him.

Everytime I tried bringing him back to how I felt he kept saying the good things are worth working for and waiting for etc and he was so sweet in some of the messages. The texts continued every day for about 8 weeks and and I mean a few texts everyday, instant relpies from him etc. In the last 2 weeks I felt we really got to know each other and that he seemed like a nice guy and maybe I was being to harsh on him and on myslef and to give him a chance.

We meet up twice in the last week - drinks, cinema and few kisses that sort of thing. The last time we met things started to heat up from - initiated by him and he definately wanted more. The thing is he is quite rough when we are kissing and that - not in an agressive way - just suppose he is bigger than me and very sporty and probably doesnt realise his own strength.

Rough is maybe not a fair word more strong but yet gentle in other ways. I havent come across this really as I suppose he is bigger and fitter than any of my ex's - im hoping thats all this is and not a bad sign. It doesnt frighten me but it does make me feel a little uncomfortable at times and I dont want to say anything as I am quite small and he prob doesnt realise he is being quite so forceful. Either that or he is just getting a bit carried away.


Also since we have meet up in the last week the texts have reduced significently. He still texts every day but not as often and with long waits in between replies at times. I am beginning to think I may like him buts its odd the way the texts have relaxed. Maybe he feels he doest have to work so hard or maybe he just wanted the chase??? We have talked about meeting up again so I dont think he has lost interest now that we have started to meet up but yet I cant be sure.

Also I just know by him and the stuff he is starting to say that after the three or four dates we have had that he is soon going to want to sleep together. So that brings me back to my original problem - Im not realy for that and I have lost guys in the past by sleeping with them to early and then by not sleeping with them at all. Part of me thinks that the more I try to distance myself from this guy the more he tries - so if I sleep with him too soon he will totally loose interest. Also, after five or so dates its prob not "too soon" by most peoples standards. I would really appreciate your thoughts and experiences.
Thanks so much.

Miss Fluff

texthimornot wrote: »

Hi
I am just looking for some advice at the start of a new relationship. After being engaged and now single for a while this is the third potential relationship I am in since the last two didnt work out- one because I didnt sleep with him soon enogh and the other because I think I slept with him too soon! So you can see why I am totally confused now going into this third potential relationship.

Do you think perhaps you are making bad choices because you are so anxious to meet someone? How long have you been single for?

Lon Dubh

Just a few thoughts on this. I would worry that he doesn't respect boundaries as you told him you weren't ready for a relationship but he kept texting you, and texting a lot (the odd text would be one thing, but it seems more like an attempt to wear you down than just keeping in touch).

I don't want to read too much into it but I read something interesting recently. It was a piece answering the question many people ask, why do I often pick the wrong person? Or pick the absolute "losers"? And one reason was that the nice people respect boundaries. So if you seem not into them, or not ready for a relationship, they back off. Whereas the pushy/inconsiderate/selfish ones will just keep pushing you until they wear you down. Basically they pick you more than you pick them. Anyway I don't know this guy but I am just mentioning this so that you are aware of it.

About the being rough thing, I would say something, this is not on. Personally it would put me off as it could indicate that he is not paying attention to how you are reacting to him (and that he is only interested in his own needs). But you could say something either beforehand or even during kissing (you could point out specifically what is uncomfortable when it happens) and see how that goes. If he gets annoyed/aggressive (or basically anything other than a bit embarrased, or sorry, or concerned, or willing to listen and respond) then I would dump him and run as this could be a red flag. Remember, you are supposed to be enjoying it!

As for the sex thing, you should have sex only when you feel ready and not by someone else's timetable or societies timetable. It sounds like you are not ready. If he is really into you he will wait. If he is not he won't, but then you have your answer. You should not feel pressurised into sex by someone who is supposed to care about you, if you do you won't feel right about it or him. Also if you cave on this, what else are you going to do that you don't feel comfortable with?

Edit: Yes I agree with Sunflower re the sleeping with someone too soon stuff. Personally I would do it when I felt like it, and felt ready for it with that specific person. Mind you with some people sleeping together on the first date or two can mean they just view you as a one night stand rather than someone they want a relationship with (though I don't think you lose them because you slept with them, they were just never that interested in the first place).

Maple

OP, I've just edited your post to space it out and make it more legible.

Maple