Fancying your fcuk buddy

LegacyUser

The age-old quandry. I thought I was big enough and bold enough to know better, but there you go. Some people never learn.

The back story is that I'm female, mid 20s, living abroad with a good friend whose friend has come to stay. Single, dating casually but nothing serious. Nothing committal. This guy arrived last week and immediately it was BOOM...fancied the aRse off him. Physically he's my type and he's got a cracking personality, pure gold.

At the risk of sounding crude, I haven't had sex in a while, was in need of some, him being out on the sofa was too tempting so I snuk out one night, we chatted for ages and then ended up having sex. It happened again the next morning and again a few days later. My flatmate has been busy with work, as have I, so when I got a day off mid-week I decided to spend some time with him and show him around. Genuinely didn't foresee a problem, in my head the sex was just physical and I knew he was good craic, what was there to worry about...it was a very date-like day. We ended up out at the zoo, lots of kissing, arms around each other, touching, lots of affection...and it screwed my mind right up.

In my head I know it's ridiculous and I'm angry at myself. He goes back to London in a few days and I'll probably never see him again, or at least for years. To top matters, things with my flatmate are difficult, we haven't been getting on, so this has all had to be secret and I don't even know what she has told him about me...not flattering anyways I'm sure.

I know I don't have any options here and am fairly confident it's *just* a physical thing for him but I suppose I just needed to vent. He's a great guy, really cool, so much fun and the sex is ridiculous! It's at the point now where the guy I'm dating casually (and it's very very early days) is paling in comparison to Mr F Buddy and I don't want to throw that away for something that will never amount to anything. I can't stop thinking about him. And it's only been a week!

He will be out of sight in a few days when he goes home and I'll never have to think about him again...but I suppose I'd love to hear from anyone who has been in the same situation. How do you stop yourself from wanting more, or should I just avoid these types of set ups from now on? I have a high sex drive and a busy busy job, which leaves little time for a relationship, so in my head this should totally suit me. In my heart...I just don't know.

Anyway. Thanks for letting me rant!

fits

Why does he have to be a fbuddy? It doesnt sound like that sort of arrangement from your posts. Theres nothing wrong with falling for someone you know. Even if the circumstances are difficult.

Stop trying to categorise it.. just see what happens.

WANTStoWORK

Put it down to experience, it would remind me of an holiday romance, enjoy the next few days with him!!!

LegacyUser

Thanks Fits.

I guess the thought that it could be anything more never really occurred to me. Because it can't, in reality. He got out of a long-term and very complicated relationship a year ago - the girl I live with was a mutual friend of both he and his ex so still feels iffy about their friendship, her loyalties etc and is really uncomfortable seeing him with anyone else (and he's been with lots). The day after we hooked up she basically lied and told me he has a new girlfriend back in England, I think in a ploy to keep me away...maybe she sensed something was up. She would definitely be a stumbling block. As I mentioned, things are fraught between us at the moment, to the point where we won't be living together for much longer and I didn't want to make things worse between us by stepping on her toes, 'hogging' her friend who she's known for years and who I only met for the first time last week. (She's gay so no chance she fancies him, that's not the issue)

Then there's him. He's explicitly said he doesn't want a relationship ever again. Not in the context of what's been happening between us but I've heard him talking about the fallout of his previous relationship and how he doesn't see himself settling with anyone ever again. Plus I know he has a lot of sex. And a few days ago he tried to hit on another friend of ours, basically right in front of me (the upset that it caused me was when I began to realise how I felt about him). So no way does he see me as anything other than a bit of fun while he's over here. I know he fancies me because I've seen how he looks at me but that's basically all there is to it.

So yeah. It is what it is. I just wish I could reign in my feelings because I feel like I'm going to miss him when he's gone, him leaving already bothers me too much. I have a date tonight but all I can think about is him. Will he be there on the sofa when I get back. Will he be jealous or does he even give a crap?

GAH. This is all so self indulgent. I think maybe I'm less emotionally equipped to deal with this type of scenario than I thought.

Wibbs

fits wrote: »

Why does he have to be a fbuddy? It doesnt sound like that sort of arrangement from your posts. Theres nothing wrong with falling for someone you know. Even if the circumstances are difficult.

Stop trying to categorise it.. just see what happens.

Aye Fits but there's the rub. It would be my humble and experience that the fbuddy arrangement can only work if the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff is left to one side. You meet to dance the dance with no pants and that's it. Even doing that people can get confused with all the (false)intimacy and hormones flying about(especially women with all the oxytocin that can fly around). Add in BF/GF stuff outside the bedroom and all bets are off and it's very rare IME that one side doesn't think there's something more. Naturally too. You're doing what lovers are doing. What starts as virtual reality shag, becomes more reality for one side.

What's the guy doing here? If I had to guess a scenario it would go like this; he's done with regard to relationships for the moment, maybe for good. Common enough. Now IMHO where the mistake is made is that people think a guy(and its more usually a guy) like this is "just after sex". I'd say it's more than that.

He may not want a full on relationship any time soon, but he does miss those loving and companionship feelings as well as the sex. So he looks for these temporary virtual reality girlfriends, where he can get all those good feelings without any of the hassle that put him off relationships in the first place. He can have a day or a week or a month with his virtual girlfriend, even feel the "love and affection" stuff and then detach. And he can do this with different women so there's a great deal of novelty with it.

This is where I think there can be a gender diff. Men and women can have fbuddy arrangements equally well(or not). I'd even go so far as to say women can do those strict fbuddy arrangements more easily than men, but men can have temporary full on virtual girlfriends a lot easier than women can have virtual boyfriends. Other possible examples that can be explained by this is where a woman can be getting lots of attention from a guy for a short while and it certainly feels like it's going somewhere and then one day nothing or he appears to just taper off for no good reason. The flirty texts calls, dates stop and the woman is "WTF?". He's had his fix of the virtual girlfriend. Online dating can be a big one for this and IMHO it and other factors are going to make this kinda thing more, not less common.

So what do you do if you're in this situation? Chalk it up to experience is probably the only way to deal with it. I'd seriously doubt it could go any further. He's kinda taken the trip in a way already. There are enough guys out there not in this headspace so you'll meet one of them. How do you know? Can be hard. I'd say avoid like the very plague a guy who gets too "boyfriendy" too quickly. If he says he loves you in under a month run and don't look back. If he's taking things easy and building up to something like a relationship that's a good sign too. And if you need an itch scratched by all means go the fbuddy route, but better if you do so with a guy you physically fancy but personality not so much and keep it in the bedroom.

LegacyUser

Wibbs, that was massively helpful, thanks for that.

As it transpires, my head is in a much better space right now and it's by virtue of what happened last night. Mr FB was out all day with my friend, ended up at a party and brought home some Russian bird. My stomach lurched when she walked into the kitchen and I was envisaging a night lying in bed retching to the sound of them getting jiggy on the sofa.

Instead I spent the night in my friend's room, talking about some of our issues and sieving through some crap that we've been putting each other through recently. While the FB got it on with lady-of-the-moment in the living room. Penny dropped and it stopped my feelings dead. He's that type of guy, he's in that head space and he's enjoying the novelty of being single by fcuking everything with t1ts within a ten metre radius. So what I had with him, was meaningless and good old fashioned sex, nothing more nor less and the conversation I was having in that room with my good friend was far more important. She expressed some feelings for me that might make tomorrow awkward, that may be a whole new PI thread in and of itself, but our friendship is solidified and I think we cleared the air where it matters.

So yeah. What a difference a day makes. I'm still massively attracted to him, to my own dismay, but the thought of sex with him after he's shagged some randomer slightly turns my stomach, so I doubt there's much chance of it happening again. It makes me feel slightly queasy in fact.

The other guy I've been seeing is a bit of a slow burner, we've been getting on like a house on fire but three dates and very little of anything physical, which is sort of a new experience for me. I tend to move fast on that front, too fast probably, and it's lead to a series of ONS and fcuk buddies that aren't doing my emotional health any favours. So maybe I should stick with this guy and see how it goes.

Thanks for all of your input. I guess the only thing to do is to learn from this. I keep making the mistake of thinking I can have sex like a man, not get emotionally involved, despite all the evidence to the contrary. My problem is that my attraction to a guy is based on a combination of looks AND personality, it's rare that I meet a guy with the personality of a newt whose bones I'd want to jump...so invariably he becomes boyfriend material to me. While I'm just an easy shag to him. Live and learn eh.

fits

Wibbs wrote: »

Aye Fits but there's the rub. It would be my humble and experience that the fbuddy arrangement can only work if the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff is left to one side. .

There is a whole range of relationships between fbuddy and happy ever after for life. There's nothing wrong with falling for someone and enjoying it for what it is, even when you know it can only be temporary.

Wibbs

I agree fits 100%, if you can enjoy it for what it is, even when you know it's temporary. If you're thinking there may be more then it gets problematic.

fits

stupidfeelings wrote: »

My problem is that my attraction to a guy is based on a combination of looks AND personality, it's rare that I meet a guy with the personality of a newt whose bones I'd want to jump...so invariably he becomes boyfriend material to me. While I'm just an easy shag to him. Live and learn eh.

How is that a problem? Its just the way you are and theres nothing wrong with it.

I think I personally would have to actively dislike someone to be able to have a classic fbuddy sort of relationship. Its normal to like some things about the people you get involved with so dont beat yourself up about it.

And yeah I do recommend holding things off for a bit, even as an experiment in future. Just to see how it changes the dynamic of things if nothing else.

gargleblaster

Wibbs wrote: »

Aye Fits but there's the rub. It would be my humble and experience that the fbuddy arrangement can only work if the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff is left to one side. You meet to dance the dance with no pants and that's it. Even doing that people can get confused with all the (false)intimacy and hormones flying about(especially women with all the oxytocin that can fly around). Add in BF/GF stuff outside the bedroom and all bets are off and it's very rare IME that one side doesn't think there's something more. Naturally too. You're doing what lovers are doing. What starts as virtual reality shag, becomes more reality for one side.

(snip)

And if you need an itch scratched by all means go the fbuddy route, but better if you do so with a guy you physically fancy but personality not so much and keep it in the bedroom.

^^^^^^ This!

I'm glad it's sorted now stupidfeelings, but I'm sorry you had to experience the feelings-building day out before you found out for sure. Good luck with your job, flatmate, and future prospects.


Also: Having sex 'like a man' is great if you don't want to be in a relationship or even have a virtual boyfriend underfoot. But I agree with Wibbs, it has to be just sex. Spending time together as a couple will always mess that up IMO.

Maple

stupidfeelings wrote: »

I keep making the mistake of thinking I can have sex like a man, not get emotionally involved, despite all the evidence to the contrary.

Less of the generalising about men please.

Maple