Last one standing?

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Usually the advice posted on this forum is really helpful so thought I would give it a try.
Have been feeling down for the last while with the belief that my life is not going the way I want it to. I think particulary it stems from my love life. All my friends and siblings are settled down and I feel like the last woman standing. You need to make an appointment weeks in advance for a night out or else I am invited to dinners where I am the single one perched at the end of the table.

This has really started to impact my confidence as as my social life has taken a downward turn (lack of people to go out with) I never really meet men. I tried the online dating and didn't have much success. I have tried to be friendly and approachable when out and the last few guys I met were both in relationships which I found out after the event. I am quite a good judge of character and these guys seemed very genuine.

I have tried joining clubs and stuff so I am making an effort. My single status has become the elephant in the room. Nobody bothers even asking me anymore if I have met someone and again as they presume I haven't.

I am a nice, down to earth and quite attractive person and feel like I have loads to offer that someone special. I used to enjoy being single but now I am starting to feel like a sad case. Always the single one and subject to others making hurtful comments (women saying nasty stuff and men presuming I am easy).

I feel like life is passing me by and like I am powerless to change it. The great thing about being single is freedom to head off or out at the drop of a hat but with no-one to do stuff with not so great. Have been to so many weddings alone that each time I set myself a goal that the next time I am invited to one I won't be single but always am.

Any advice for me please? Sorry if I sound like a moan but it gets hard being positive all the time. I feel like there is something "wrong" with me and I am tired of the putting yourself out there malarky!

Btw - don't think I am giving off a desperate vibe.

Thanks so much.

Squor

Hi OP, Im in the exact same boat, I however am in the middle of trying the internet thing, have to say, Im not overly keen on it either, I get the feeling its not for me!!!
The whole pub and club scene has never done it for me, if I seen a girl out I liked in a group, I wouldnt approach if she was in a group, find it invasive. Do find that invariably I do be the third wheel. Everybody I work with (im 32) is now married, getting married, having kids and I do feel that my life isnt moving at that pace and I get frustrated. And you mentioned weddings, everyone I go to, have one next week, I go on my own, and its very frustrating....
However, I do try to keep positive, I feel you have to because otherwise I would spend my time feeling sorry for myself!!! I do things like visiting my family a good bit and try to focus on whats good because I hope by keeping positive my turn will come, Im sure it will. So try to focus on the good stuff and remember there are plenty of us in the same boat

karaokeman

At the end of the day the most important thing to realise is that there are many more of us in the same boat.

I haven't been to any weddings really other than two of my uncles, which was when I was 11 and I'm 20 now. I was with my family at the time but I was so young that would've been acceptable. But I get what you mean. It can be very frustrating when you see other couples come along to celebrate with the pair who are tying the knot and it can be a lot of hassle when people constantly ask "oh when are you getting married" or "do you have a partner".

I would actually stay away from online dating at all costs. While it sounds desirable there will always be people out there who are looking for weak targets. You could end up talking to some lesbian woman or even worse some sort of knacker who just doesn't care and has no life so he trolls online.

But do try and keep positive. Clubs and pubs can be very daunting for single people and it can be difficult to meet people at a sporting club where you only really have one training period a week.

I'd say look into doing a course, degree, night course or anything, which has a few days a week of education and other activities. You will get to meet more people if you see them on a daily basis. Also learning about something that interests you will help you to shape your career direction and decide where you want to go with your life.

When this happens you will become more confident and everything will fall into place. Just relax and stay positive, there's no point in spending a lifetime feeling sorry about your own PI's. When you get out there you will see there's so much more to the world.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

karaokeman wrote: »

I would actually stay away from online dating at all costs. While it sounds desirable there will always be people out there who are looking for weak targets. You could end up talking to some lesbian woman or even worse some sort of knacker who just doesn't care and has no life so he trolls online.


Good luck.

Disagree. I know two girls who met their fiances online. Lots of normal people are online, especially in the 30s age group as I imagine the OP is in.

OP, remember it only takes one guy. Your life can change overnight, and you have no way of knowing when or how you will meet him. The best thing to do is to meet as many people as possible whether through hobbies, friends, bars or online. Do all of them and then do them again. Have fun along the way. I'm late thirties now and I've seen lots of couples get hooked up fast in the last few years.

Thingy

I shall try and offer some advice but you wont like it. There is something wrong with you. Your belief that you are owed the same as all your friends and families. That belief is wrong. Life will certainly not just give you someone special
just because you are nice,attractive and down to earth. You just have to accept the fact that you are not in control of someone else coming along filling this void in you.
You already are a victim you say things like you feel like the "last women standing" and that your single status is a "Elephant in the room". To be honest not exactly sounding like a down to earth girl to me. Your confidence is not down to your love life or lack there of. It is your belief that life should have given you a significant other to hold your hand at weddings, birth of children, at death.
But you have no control over this, you can not force someone to be with you because you feel it is that time specified in your diary.
Why are comparing yourself to your friends life situations if they jump of a cliff will you join them.
You tell me you are down to earth girl well then get her out here and tell her to tell you to STOP comparing or rating yourself to anyone or anything. Life in essence is not comparable to anything. You are enough. You seem to have given this single aspect of your life all your attention all your thinking all your strength. You even feel powerless now because all you do is think all that you are is a lonely single women.
So how do I stop thinking my life is miserable because I am single? Well at the moment you cant but you can start to stop it making you powerless.
Every time you think your lonely single all my friends are married life is ****ty. Take these thoughts and put them into a box. Then label them "Single crappy thoughts that do not define my life". Push it down the line. The next time you start thinking it again, put it in a box push it down the line.
There will be a lot of boxes. But main thing is you wont be in a box no more.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Is there anybody at say your workplace who you would have a genuine interest in?

I do know of people who know each other at work, meet or see each other now and again and eventually feelings develop between both people.

Slow burner kind of thing.

I say that because a lot of people have met through the workplace.

LegacyUser

Forget about the fact that your single for now. Thats just one aspect of your life, there are Im sure many others. Your obviously unhappy OP but I suspect its about more than just not having a signifigant other. Im sure you are a nice person, easygoing attractive and all the rest, but your not happy, so you dont actually have much to offer another person, your looking for them to provide everything you feel is missing in your life, thats alot to ask of someone. I understand that you feel starved of affection and that yearning to meet someone makes you an easy target for the two-timing men you have hooked up with. They probably come across as nice and interesting because they are not pinning all their hopes on you. But it does sound like your pinning all of your hopes on them, thats not an attractive quality in someone you've just met.

Forget about looking for a man, learn to enjoy your life as a single person. No other person can be a bandage to what you feel is lacking in your life, you need to fill that void by yourself. I think it would do you good to befriend some single women so that your not comparing yourself to couples and imagining thats the reason they are happy and you aren't. There are alot of unhappy couples out there too, wouldn't you prefer to be happy by yourself and open to meeting someone who you could have a good relationship with than stuck in a miserable relationship?

I dont mean to be insulting to you but think of it this way, when your out and look around at the men. Would you be attracted to the man who is unsure of himself, distracted because he's scanning the room and when he speaks to you he seems like he wants to secure you as his wife before even getting to know you? Or the man who is relaxed, enjoying himself, and not with an obvious agenda.

TheresaT

Hi OP,

I think some of the replies here are a bit harsh. You don't sound like a victim, you don't sound desperate, you don't sound like you expect some man to come along and make you happy. You sound fed up with being single. There's nothing wrong with that.

I think one of the hardest things is that your friends and family are all paired up, so it seems like you don't have many friends who are in a similar place to you. Rather than focus on trying to meet a man specifically, maybe you could try making more single friends.

It can be hard when your friends are getting married and having babies, because their lives are going in different directions to yours and you might feel that you don't have much in common with them anymore. So try and be as sociable as possible, make new friends - male & female - where you can and enjoy your life as much as possible.

And I know from experience that it's not as easy as it sounds! But it's worth a try.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Your post sounds like I could have written it myself! I've had a couple of weddings this year (some family, some friends), and the family ones are worse with the aunts & uncles asking "Oh have you no man on the go?" etc. Gets me down sometimes, as I start to question with myself why don't I have someone?
Just like you, I've started seeing two different guys (not at the same time) and it turns out they were involved with people already. Now, it wasn't anything too serious, maybe a few dates, but I couldn't understand why they would lead me to believe they were available when they weren't. My friends tell me, I need to take a chance on people that sometimes I am too defensive & put up an invisible barrier around me, but it's hard to keep optimistic when I do date people and they are taken, or alternatively I meet someone nice, it seems to be going well and suddenly they lose interest, leaving me upset and confused.

That said, in many ways I enjoy being single & free, and am a very sociable friendly girl. But, as most of my friends are attached, it can be hard to keep smiling when I feel like the odd one out. I've never tried Internet dating, maybe it's an option, as I'm so over the meeting someone in pub/club scene.

I just want to let you know that I understand how you feel!