Advise / perspective needed

LegacyUser

Hi guys.
Tonight I went out with my BF and his work mates, it was his birthday from 00:00 on (12th).
I am in another city on a trip with him for work and the night out wasnt specifically for his birthday, it was a work related night out.
I went along in good spirits to a nightclub, one of the other guys who I know the most (have met a few times before) also had his GF with him.
At the pub before the nightclub, might be worth noting, that I told the others it was my BFs birthday so that they would make it good for him etc...

So we are in the club. At first it was grand, all of us dancing together and getting rounds in. Then my BF went to the bar and got talking to one of the other guys. Most of them Id never met before...
I decided ok I'll just stay here and dance with the others that I only just met, bar that one guy and his GF who were being quite coupley at this stage.
So I stayed and danced with the others for ages and my BF paid no notice of where I was or who I was with, I was facing in his direction and he never looked around to make sure I was with the others or that I was ok etc...
That was fine, I was cool with it, just enjoyed myself on my own.
Then he came back and asked me did I want another drink, I said no, I'll get us these ones as its your birthday, but he insisted and eventually I said ok I'll have a bottle of X.
(we dont have much money and I had said to him previously in the night we need to be responsible with money and not spend too much).
So he came back with 2 Jagers. I noticed he didnt have the drink for me but I waited to see would he give me one of the Jagers and he didnt, so eventually I asked him who are both of the drinks for, and he said "me" and drank them both in front of me!
At this I didnt even say anything, I just kept dancing and mingling with the others...
Then, a little bit after that he went to the bar and got another round of Jagers.
He gave me one. I was drinking it. He was handing them out to the others and one guy wanted one when they were all gone, so my BF actually took the drink I had from my hand and gave it to this one guy.
At this point I was thinking, ok that was pretty rude, and I was feeling a bit disrespected.
So when we were on our own at the next opportunity I said it to my BF.
His response was to say to me "oh yeah, so youre going to give out to me on my birthday is it?" I said, Im not giving out, Im just saying what you did and that I didnt think it was very nice.
It was hard to talk because of the noise.
After this again he got talking to 2 of the guys and pretty much ignored me again for about 15 mins.
At this point I said thats it, im going to leave rather than stay here and be made a fool of like this.
(Btw: I had bumped into the other couple near the toilets who told me they were heading off home and to say goodbye to the others, they asked where my BF was and I told them what happened, the guy said it sounded pretty bad and he supported what I was saying that I felt pretty lousy).
I asked my BF for my coat ticket, he showed me 2, 1 was his and we didnt know which, so he came with me to the ticket office to get my coat.
He then came upstairs with me outside onto the street and he said why did I seem mad with him and why was I leaving, that he didnt know what my problem was.
I told him again what he did that I was pretty unhappy about, taking the drink from my hand etc etc, and I said to him, this is not what Id like my relationship to be like, that you might think its ok but other girls wouldnt put up with it either and if he wants it to go on like this to find someone else or else acknowledge what Im saying cos Im not happy with it. He then said to me, Ive now had a s**t birthday because of you and your complaining, and youre a s**t girlfriend!! So I said, fine, if thats how you feel go find someone else.
So he said "I will, I will do" and went off
I had no money to get home.
I walked towards the taxis thinking he'll calm down and come after me but he didnt.
When I looked again he had gone.
I had no money so I went back inside to find him and he was not there.
His friends did not know where he was!
I called him twice and no answer.
I had to tell his friends I had no money to get home to the hotel.
They were moving on to another late club and said dont worry come with us we'll look after you. I told them I didnt know where my BF was, that he stormed off etc.
One really nice guy gave me money, a 50 note (didnt need anywhere near that amount) and was really kind to me, I cried in front of all of them. It was very embarrassing being made to look like such a fool, as though he couldnt care less how I got home or where I was.
They got a taxi and took me and dropped me off at the hotel where I am now writing this.

I need advise. My gut is telling me this is not good enough, that he's treating me badly, but he makes out like im just a nag that gets on at him and I shouldnt even voice my upsets.
Its not like I shout or give out, I simply say to him look this was bad of you, and it made me feel bad etc, but he always makes out like Im in the wrong to complain.

What do you guys think?

Should I give him an ultimatum and say these things change or Im leaving, or should I let it go because it was his birthday?
Something in me is saying, birthday or not, thats no excuse to treat you like that...
Am I right in feeling this way?

Please advise... Thank you

silly

What age are you guys? How long are you going out?

It sounds like he had a bit too much to drink. I wouldn't make much of it, he'll be all apologies about it in the morning...

chicken fingers

Leave him be and go find yourself a man.

fghijkl

OP When i first read this i thought your bf was being a bit of a dick, but the more i think about it, the less adds up, and well, he didn't really do much wrong to be honest.
I mean in the end it boils down to him:

* Not buying you a drink after offering one
* Taking a drink off you.

It sounds like everything got blown out of all proportion because there was drink involved tbh.

So he didn't buy you a drink...maybe what with being drunk he just forgot?
Ok so taking the drink off you was a pretty s**t thing to but again we don't really know how drunk he was, from the sounds of things it was a pretty boozy night, people do really stupid things when they're hammered drunk.
____________________________

Going to play devils advocate here:

I am in another city on a trip with him for work and the night out wasnt specifically for his birthday, it was a work related night out.
I went along in good spirits to a nightclub, one of the other guys who I know the most (have met a few times before) also had his GF with him.

Why would you go along on a work related night out? Had your bf specifically asked you to come along? If there was only one other couple there, it sounds like it was more a boys night out tbh...

we dont have much money and I had said to him previously in the night we need to be responsible with money and not spend too much

Do you mean you have no money? Or your boyfriend has no money? Have you being going out long, do you have joint accounts or something? Why would you tell your boyfriend how to spend his own money? he's a grown man surely?

I had bumped into the other couple near the toilets who told me they were heading off home and to say goodbye to the others, they asked where my BF was and I told them what happened, the guy said it sounded pretty bad and he supported what I was saying that I felt pretty lousy

Why would you tell a couple you barely knew about an argument you'd had with your bf?

At this point I said thats it, im going to leave rather than stay here and be made a fool of like this.

I asked my BF for my coat ticket, he showed me 2, 1 was his and we didnt know which, so he came with me to the ticket office to get my coat.

I had no money to get home.
I walked towards the taxis thinking he'll calm down and come after me but he didnt.

Why on earth were you on a night out without any money on you OP? No bank card even? Why would you say you were going home, if you hadn't left enough money to do so? If he hadn't have had to come with you to get your coat, what had you planned on doing? How had you planned on getting home without any money?

I cried in front of all of them. It was very embarrassing being made to look like such a fool, as though he couldnt care less how I got home or where I was

But did he even know you had no money? Surely if you had told him you were going home, he would've thought you had a way/money to do so tbh.

It just all sounds very needy OP.
_____________________________

he makes out like im just a nag that gets on at him and I shouldnt even voice my upsets.
Its not like I shout or give out, I simply say to him look this was bad of you, and it made me feel bad etc, but he always makes out like Im in the wrong to complain.

OP maybe it's the way you chose to voice these concerns? Ye were both fairly drunk by the sounds of it, could you not have just gone home and waited until the next day to bring it up when ye both had sobered up? I don't think discussing your argument with 2 people you hardly know (one a work collegue of your bf) was the most mature thing to do, and then crying in front of the rest of his work mates......

I need advise. My gut is telling me this is not good enough, that he's treating me badly

Is this an isolated incident? Or does he treat you badly in general?

Should I give him an ultimatum and say these things change or Im leaving, or should I let it go because it was his birthday?
Something in me is saying, birthday or not, thats no excuse to treat you like that...
Am I right in feeling this way?

Well that depends tbh, if this is just more disrespectful behaviour after a string of similar situations then yes you should seriously think about if you have a future with this guy. If however you're thinking about giving him an ultimatum based on this one incident then i think you're blowing a minor drunken spat out of all proportion tbh........

dearg lady

I wouldn't be happy with that situation either, it sounds like he was quite rude.But I'm slightly confused as to why you walked off, knowing you had no money. Where was the money you were goin to use to buy him a drink?

It seems like it may have gotten blown out of proportion, but I completely agree with you, being abandoned on a night out is one of my pet peeves.

I wouldn't write him off based on this one incident, talk it throiugh sober and see what comes of it.

Miss Fluff

Sounds like a silly drunken argument. Not being smart but you'll get some perspective when you sober up. You evidently wrote the post when you got home and fired up so I'm sure after some sleep and the reappearance of some rational thought you'll be fine about it

silly

dearg lady wrote: »

Where was the money you were goin to use to buy him a drink?
.

Interesting point...

Distorted

Its a damned annoying incident OP but I'd be inclined to see how he reacts and let it blow over. He was drunk on his birthday and things were probably blown out of proportion. Well done for getting home safe and you did right to walk but tbh I don't agree with the "helpless little me" thing and not having enough money to get home. Either take enough money with you (what did you do when you were single?) or get the taxi driver to take you past cashpoint! It sounds a bit like a needless drama otherwise.

Well he had no right to do some of the things he did, most notably calling you a "s**t girlfriend", but based on the info you've given here he's by no means treating you horribly. People get angry, just like you did.

IMO you both blew the situation out of proportion. He shouldn't have done what he did, but you took a lot of it to be far worse than it was. He didn't steal YOUR drink, he bought a round and was short one and didn't think it would be a big deal to give your one to someone else. Your his girlfriend, he wouldn't be seen to be leaving you out, whereas to not buy a drink for a guy in the group would be seen to be leaving him out, although granted he shouldn't have done it after you'd already started drinking it. He didn't leave you stranded without YOUR money to get home, he left you stranded without his money for you to get home. He had your coat ticket, did he pay for that too? Of course, correct me if actually you guys have a shared account or something and he just happened to have both of your funds for the night. He then left his work/birthday party to go to the cloak room with you, and then followed you to the street and tried to ask you what was wrong. He also hadn't been ignoring you. Ignoring is when someone refuses to respond to you, not when you're happily dancing and he's talking to someone and it just happens that he doesn't decide to keep tabs on you. Then there's the validation you got from the people you told your story to, who now either have a bad impression of your boyfriend which is your fault, or they were lying when they validated your concerns and now they have a bad impression of you, which will still reflect badly of you bf. So really I'd say you weren't exactly innocent in all this.

Then there's the slightly shocking way you implied to your boyfriend that if he didn't make you happy you'd leave and he wouldn't ever be able to find anyone else as tolerant of him as you (the "other girls wouldn't put up with this" part). So I'm not surprised that when you said find someone else, he said he would.

It certainly doesn't sound like he's mistreating you, he just wasn't that considerate. And yes, I would leave it completely, regardless of who's fault it was, on account of his birthday.

To be honest, it sounds like either you're very demanding in relationships, or there's an underlying problem already, such as you just don't want to be with him really.

I am a friend

He sounds like a drunken eejit but you were well out of order talking to his colleagues like that. The reason its called 'work life' and 'personal life' is that the personal stuff should not be brought into work - you did that and he could be the talk of the office today. not cute...

Neyite

Birthday or not, tagging along on a work night out is always going to end up with you talking to people you barely know. When I go to my OH's Christmas party I know its only an extension of work for him - a time to work on networking really. My job is to chat away to people I dont know well and not get hammered and make a show of him. The summer BBQ is the same, even an impromtu friday night few pints, its still connected to work.

You have 2 choices on a work night - either stay at home, or get stuck in talking to strangers. I think in this case, you both had very different expectations of what the night out would be like.

It sounds like he was a bit of an eejit, but I do think that you storming out, storming back in, crying, having to borrow money and telling people about your fight was worse. Thats gonna be discussed in the office behind his back. Dont be surprised if he expects an apology from you.

ElleEm

Neyite wrote: »

It sounds like he was a bit of an eejit, but I do think that you storming out, storming back in, crying, having to borrow money and telling people about your fight was worse. Thats gonna be discussed in the office behind his back. Dont be surprised if he expects an apology from you.

+1

Your boyfriend acted rude, and should acknowledge that but you really shouldn't have involved his work mates. Fair enough you had to borrow cash for a cab, but you could have just asked to borrow it, without telling them what happened. He'll probably be fairly p!ssed off with you.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, ok its been a few days but Ill try to answer some of the questions / points made...
I was also quite drunk when it all happened and when I posted the original post, so that might explain the tears and the walking off when I had no money.
I didnt start crying or go back into the club crying, I went back in to ask if they had seen my BF since as I went after him the way he left and couldnt find him.
I only cried a little when one of the guys was very kind to me and offered me money to get home.
The drinks were 2 pounds for Jager bombs and skittle bombs and I had about 6 pounds on my in change, so I was able to afford to get him 2 or so drinks but it wasnt the same as the amount for a taxi home.
I didnt bring more money because going to the club was a last minute thing.
My boyfriend is a painter and this was not your average "night out". A big group of painters often meet up in various cities or locations for a few days and paint the place. Most of the time they being partners with them for the trip, this was one such instance.
When I said "we" had not much money I meant both of us, neither of us have jobs right now and we got a special rate on the hotel with the group so its a fairly cheap trip.
We were in the hotel bar that evening and more and more of them came in and joined up and we ended up with a crowd and it was decided to head out and see the city and maybe go to a club, so thats how that happened.
No one knew it was my BFs birthday and the night out wasnt for him or anything but I did tell them all and so the drinking got heavier etc...
His friends who I spoke to about him leaving- I asked if they'd seen him and they hadnt and wondered where he was, I said I didnt know. Again I was a bit drunk myself so probably not as discreet as I would have been otherwise.
I know 2 of them pretty well at this stage and they know us as a couple pretty well and I know them and their girlfriends so it wasnt like I didnt know any of them well at all and was blurting out things to strangers, its just that they were in a group and they were all pretty on as well with the drink so there was little subtlety involved.

Well, as for what happened afterwards...
I got back to the hotel and continued to call my BF who didnt answer.
Eventually he got in about an hour and half after me, I was worried sick about him.
I told him when he got in that I was worried sick, and I was pretty upset at him for not seeming to be worried about me in return and how I got back and where I was, as he didnt even check his phone never mind call me.
He was very rude and told me he just wanted to be left alone to go to sleep and he didnt think he had done anything wrong at all...
After trying to explain to him why I was upset that he left like that and was missing for about 2 hours and him just ignoring me and saying "whatever" etc I felt it was probably best to wait until morning as we were both drinking and tired.
In the morning I gave him his Birthday card that I had brought with me when he was first opening his eyes and then he put his arms around me and said he was really sorry for last night and he shouldnt have been so stubborn. I forgave him and that was that really.

Next day we did everything he wanted to do.
Went to see 2 shows with his friends, ones they were seeing. Went to dinner with his friends and then on for drinks. Girl friends were also present, not just me.
By about 11pm after about 3 drinks in the pub I was feeling pretty low from the night before and wanted to just head back to the hotel as my energy for being social and making polite conversation had worn off. I spent all day with his friends and just wanted some time alone with him to feel close again and feel like we were back on good terms etc.
He was going to put me in a taxi to go back on my own and then stay out himself, but I wanted him to come back with me.
He did, but as soon as we left he flipped out at me about being "made" not do what he wanted to do. We were only just outside the pub so I said ok fine we can go back in if thats what you want, but he refused and said no, its too late, I wont have a good night now anyway youve just ruined it all again etc...
I was pretty insulted. We got back to the hotel and he broke up with me!!!
Over not getting to stay out for more drinks. We've been together for 2 1/2 years!!
I was really REALLY upset. He was being VERY cold. He didnt get upset at all, I cried.
I said surely we can talk this out, its only a minor thing, we should talk about it rather then just throw the relationship away in the blink of an eye...
After about 2 hours of it being awkward, me crying a bit and feeling really hurt that it was over, he took it back and said he was just mad and didnt mean a WORD of it, that he wanted to marry me and he was an a$$hole for putting me through this.
I said I cant be feeling like a yoyo in a relationship, and if he loves me and wants to be with me we should try and work through things rather then try to punish each other when we're mad. He was so sorry he cried...
Very dramatic and OTT stuff... was feeling like this is totally messed up, this is not normal, all this over reacting to stuff...

On the first night I didnt flip out at him. I told him what he had done and just said basically its not very cool. In a normal tone, and it was HE who flipped out and told me I ruined his whole birthday and was a s**t GF. So I was starting to think god he is so over reactive about stuff.

Anywa, we went to sleep after making up, next day he treated me like a princess and kept telling me I should be more mad over him telling me he wanted to break up over something so stupid and putting me through that.
I wasnt mad. We had a great day and we have been getting on fine since.
We are still away on our trip, go home tomorrow.

For anyone that will be curious, no he doesnt want to break up all the time and most of the time we are VERY happy together. I know he is very stressed out lately over our money situation and not knowing what he wants to do with his career etc so I think this is the root of all his lashing out.

Thanks y'all.

Mighty_Mouse

You sound like the biggest "pain-in-the-hole" of a gf ever!!
Jesus H Christ you're going to drive your bf crazy with this manipulative, controlling, needy, whingy, "love-me”. “show you love me", "devote yourself to me", "be there at all times", "make sure I'm ok at all times", "fulfill my every need", "your mine", .................................bs.
Its incessent, over-bearing, ..................Personally I'd of flipped a long time ago.

I decided ok I'll just stay here and dance with the others that I only just met, bar that one guy and his GF who were being quite coupley at this stage.
So I stayed and danced with the others for ages and my BF paid no notice of where I was or who I was with, I was facing in his direction and he never looked around to make sure I was with the others or that I was ok etc...

FFS, he was having a drink at the bar with a mate.
You paint a picture of you trying desperately to act cool…..when in fact your tension levels are steadily rising ……………………….how dare he ignore me, ya?
Why not just wander over & join the conversation?
Why not just enjoy yourself instead of killing time until your man returns to kiss your ass mode?

(we dont have much money and I had said to him previously in the night we need to be responsible with money and not spend too much).

It's his b'day. He's on a session with mates....& you're giving him "money issues" ?
Are you actually trying to cut his balls off in front of his mates?
So what if you got skipped in a round? It was slightly rude but ye are partners?
Crack a "oi rude boy, give me money for booze joke" and get your own drink in?

and I was feeling a bit disrespected.

What kind of 18th century chivalrous devotion are you expecting here?
Ye are mates as much as partners. Get on with it.
The problem here was your bf's attention wasn't solely on you for 1 night.
The problem was you felt awkward mingling like you thought you should.

I told them what happened, the guy said it sounded pretty bad and he supported what I was saying that I felt pretty lousy

I cried in front of all of them.

This is insane. Instead of having a quite disagreement you immediately began looking for argument validation in his mates.
This puts everybody on the spot and is extremely weird and awkward behaviour
Of course they are going to console you and agree with you. I'm assuming they are nice people. Behind it all they're thinking............"jesus will this girl not just relax and go with the flow"

You basically weren't having fun, felt uncomfortable, bf failed to keep you on the pedestal for 5 seconds, you flipped out, threw the toys from the pram, bawled in front of his mates and ruined his night out..................and you want an apology?

He was very rude and told me he just wanted to be left alone to go to sleep and he didn’t think he had done anything wrong at all...
After trying to explain to him

So you wrecked his head when all he wanted to do was sleep.
Do ya know what he did?
He walked the streets tormenting himself wondering how he let himself fall for such a pain for a gf.
He looks at his other mates who's gf are relaxed and easy going and let their bf's run free
He see's his friends able to go out and relax not worrying that their beady-beady eyed missus finding insult in some innocuous behaviour.
He know he loves you but you're going to ruin his life with constant drama about insignificant bs.
He was in despair asking himself "why can't she just enjoy herself, even for 1 night support me, I do everything to show her I love her.......does this mean I can't go away with her & my friends anywhere, ever again, am I going to have to completely submit to her every wish....................."
You are making him desperately unhappy but he can't break up with you because he loves you.
........................
...................
.................
He arrives back to the hotel: "where were you, why did you not answer your phone, how dare you ignore me, how dare you upset me like that, we have to sort this now. didn't you think I'd be worried, do you every think about me or just yourself, I can't belive you left me on the streets, I deserve better.......on and on and on and on an on......"
It's mental torture..............Poor bastard IMO

I was feeling pretty low from the night before and wanted to just head back to the hotel as my energy for being social and making polite conversation had worn off.

Then go home FFS!!
It's like your brain is hardwired into some fantasy land where you think this sort of behaviour will make a man happy?
Have you actually got a narcissistic personality disorder?

How you can you pull this **** twice in 1 weekend and convince yourself you've done nothing of fault?
Emotionally manipulating him into something he doesn’t want to do?

You realise you will either drive this man away or drive him crazy?

Neyite

Oh OP... you did it again?

You get back on track after the first night out and then repeat your behaviour the following day? Just because you were fed up, and didnt like his attention diverted from you, you cause another ruckus. And YOU caused it, not him.

He will put up with this for a while, but sooner or later he will break up with you if you keep going the way you do and it will be for good.

fghijkl

OP i think you need a reality check. Seriously. I've never heard anything more self centered and neurotic :eek:

AdviseOnNightOut wrote: »

Next day we did everything he wanted to do.
Went to see 2 shows with his friends, ones they were seeing. Went to dinner with his friends and then on for drinks. Girl friends were also present, not just me.
By about 11pm after about 3 drinks in the pub I was feeling pretty low from the night before and wanted to just head back to the hotel as my energy for being social and making polite conversation had worn off.

Aww poor you OP, having to feign politeness, for one night, jesus wept :rolleyes:

I spent all day with his friends and just wanted some time alone with him to feel close again and feel like we were back on good terms etc.
He was going to put me in a taxi to go back on my own and then stay out himself, but I wanted him to come back with me.

Right so you wanted him to ditch his friends so he could spend the night fawning all over you to validate your insecurities, like some spoilt little princess

He did, but as soon as we left he flipped out at me about being "made" not do what he wanted to do.

You DID make him do something he didn't want to! You made him leave!!

We were only just outside the pub so I said ok fine we can go back in if thats what you want, but he refused and said no, its too late, I wont have a good night now anyway youve just ruined it all again etc...
I was pretty insulted.

Lmao...YOU were insulted?! You threw a childish strop because you were "feeling low", he offered a compromise for you to go home and him to stay out, but oh no you weren't having any of that you wanted him to go back with you. :rolleyes: He wouldn't have had a good night, you completely spoiled the mood, you DID ruin it for him.

We got back to the hotel and he broke up with me!!!

I don't understand why you seem surprised about this??? your behaviour is like that of a 4 year old child, It's perfectly understandable that he's be sick of it tbh.

Over not getting to stay out for more drinks. We've been together for 2 1/2 years!!

If you REALLY think he broke up with you over drinks (and don't realise it was because of your needy, insecure attitude) then you're delusional

I was really REALLY upset. He was being VERY cold. He didnt get upset at all, I cried.

Ah yes cry, that'll get you your own way :rolleyes:

I said I cant be feeling like a yoyo in a relationship, and if he loves me and wants to be with me we should try and work through things rather then try to punish each other when we're mad.

Oh the irony! How to you think he feels when his gf throws a hissy fit every time he doesn't make her the center of attention?! If you love him then stop emotionally blackmailing him into having to do everything your way, Stop behaving like a spoilt little child.

I know he is very stressed out lately over our money situation and not knowing what he wants to do with his career etc so I think this is the root of all his lashing out.

It's not your money situation, he clearly has enough money to go out and have fun with his friends, it's his money, it's none of your buisness how he spends it. You're the one who didn't have enough money to get home, if you knew you were going out to see the city, have a few drinks, and maybe go to a club, then you should have budgeted for that, it sounds like you're the one with the money problem not your bf tbh.

Sorry but the root of him lashing out is you.
I'm surprised he's put up with you for so long, but i'm glad to say it sounds like he's slowly starting to realise what a self centered, insecure person his gf is.
If you want to your relationship to last then you need to cop the hell on OP.

LegacyUser

It seems to me that the only lousy thing he did was take the drink out of your hand and give it to someone else. All of the rest of the info you gave was not necessary, and seems to have been supplied for the sole purpose of having people agree with you.
He didn't do anything wrong by chatting to his friends at the bar.
Drinking the two Jagers could be seen as drunken silliness on his part.
You not having money for the taxi isn't his fault, and complaining to HIS friends that he stormed off is bang out of order when it was you who wanted to leave. Complaining to his friends who were leaving about the two drinks incident just smacks of petty point scoring.

What you're doing at the moment is compiling a list of 'wrong things your boyfriend does' which is very control freakish. If your boyfriend treats you badly, leave him. If him taking the drink out of your hand was a once off, then your reaction was way over the top.

It sounds like a whole lot of drama over nothing to me.

Maple

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

You sound like the biggest "pain-in-the-hole" of a gf ever!!
Jesus H Christ you're going to drive your bf crazy with this manipulative, controlling, needy, whingy, "love-me”. “show you love me", "devote yourself to me", "be there at all times", "make sure I'm ok at all times", "fulfill my every need", "your mine", .................................bs.
Its incessent, over-bearing, ..................Personally I'd of flipped a long time ago.

Infracted for being unnecessarily hostile towards the OP.

As for the rest of you, folks you might disagree with how the OP has behaved but tirades calling her emotional and manipulative are anything but constructive.

Dial it back on the hostility or more infractions/bans will be handed out.

Maple

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I can understand how you would be a little upset by one or two things about how your BF behaved on the first night, but I really feel that your behaviour is a whole lot worse. To behave as you did on one night would be bad enough; but to repeat that on a second night, and worse than that on a consecutive night, is in my book pretty unforgiveable. I know emotions were still probably running high from the events of the first night, but I think you have to figure out whether you want this relationship to last, and if you do, to dial back on the airing of your relationship arguments in public, and the emotional blackmail.

One expression that you used struck me - and it could well be more my issue than anything else - but when someone talks about 'being treated like a princess', big red flashing warning lights go off in my head. To me, and perhaps unfairly, it speaks of a sense of entitlement and wanting to be put on a pedastal, which really does not feel like a relationship of equals.

I think that you and your BF appear to have quite different expectations as to how you each feel that the other should behave, and that if this is not discussed and resolved through one/both of you changing your behaviour, then your relationship will end. Personally, I think it is you that needs to urgently modify your expectations and behaviour, but obviously that's from the angle of what I would like from a relationship.

I hope you both can work it out.

denhaagenite

I think maybe he wants out of the relationship (possibly because of your behaviour) and is engineering it so that it goes that way naturally.

To be honest, I think you must be exhausted. I was in a relationship where the end goal in my eyes was "stay together at all costs". We were absolutely frantic about eachother, and both thought that's what things were supposed to be like. After 3 years on and off, I left him and the feeling of relief was unbelievable. It was a lightbulb moment. 6 months later (following a break from the opposite sex- much recommended after long term relationship!) I went on my first date with the man who is now my husband. We've had our ups and downs but there's no jealousy, no control, no doubts whatsoever. Of course we have to work at our relationship, but it's side by side rather than head to head.

Re- think it, neither of you deserve this.

LegacyUser

JAYSUS!!!!

That is some list of negative responses there!! :-/
Someone said I threw a childish strop on the 2nd night when all I did was say that Id like to go back to the hotel at 11:30pm when we had been out all day walking the streets of Edinburgh and with little sleep the previous night.
I was tired and drained but, as someone else said, I was NOT feeling bad and "faking" politeness in the LEAST. I was really happy to be with the people were with all day, and happy to have had the drinks we had and catch the shows we saw and get the dinner and everything else!!!
Jeepers people. Some of you on here really jump to the worst conclusions...
I also did NOT want to go back to the hotel to have his SOLE attention.
Most evenings spent at the hotel were him watching the football and me reading, and thats really all I had any energy left for.
I just didnt have the energy to be social any longer- is that a crime?
I didnt want to sit there, as people usually dont, and drag down the atmosphere by not being conversational enough, or by appearing tired.
On other occassions it has been my BF who has wanted to leave things early and thats cool with me, sometimes youre in the mood for a massive night and sometimes youre not.
I always go with him when he wants to leave and we are out together, I dont send him off in a taxi on his own, not that thats wrong, but each to their own!!
I did NOT demand, or make, as someone else said, him leave with me either!!!!
Where did I say that??
I said I wanted him to come with me, but I didnt SAY to him, you have to come with me.
I simply said to him, honestly, Id really like if we could go back to the hotel now, Im pretty wrecked after last night and id like to just chill out for an hour or so before bed.
HE came with me, to which I thought he had no problem, and once we LEFT the pub he then went mad, like as if i had made him leave when all he'd have had to say was, to be honest I would rather stay.
This is just normal communication to me. I didnt understand his annoyance at all, and sure it doesnt really matter now what you guys think as he himself knows me and the situation and he himself said he was sorry for totally over-reacting!!

Jeepers but the responses on this thread are a TAD over-the-top... Really.
I used to post on here a year or so ago and I have to say that the responses now and not just on my own thread but since I started reading all of them again are a little accusatory towards a lot of the posters.

Someone on here said
"when someone talks about 'being treated like a princess', big red flashing warning lights go off in my head."
Just stall it there a moment til i make this clear... I dont WANT or THINK that I SHOULD be treated like a princess...I meant that he was going over the top being nice to me, its the only expression I really know of to express that- what I meant. It was a bit roller-coaster-ish is what i was trying to get across, the crazy rows and the "its over" to being overly nice the next day.

Someone ELSE said suggested that instead of being "mad" that my BF was having a drink with his friend at the bar, to join in the conversation or have some fun myself-
dude... thats exactly what I did do!!
It wasnt a half and hour chat at the bar, it was an hour and a half standing at the bar with one guy while I danced, chatted and generally had fun with the lads and one of their GF's. At that point I wasnt the least bit annoyed that he was over there, it was AFTER the other stuff happened that I started to feel like he just had no regard for me at all.
And the trip WASNT a trip for him to be with his friends. Not in the least, it was actually a trip we planned for ages for US as a couple. So its not like I tagged along and then went mad because he wasnt giving me any attention.

fghjikl - who ever you are...HARSH is the only word that comes to mind. Just WOW.

And as for Mighty_Mouse... Im not even going to say what I think of all the things you said.... :O

The whole "money problems" thing. Oh man... My BF OWES me money guys...
He gambles.
The last trip we went on he lost 1,000 euro of our last money in a casino.
He did not, I mean really did NOT have money to be splashing around on drinks even though it was his birthday.
The last night of this trip BTW, we were supposed to use his card for a night in another cheaper hotel, as the deal with the other one finished a day before our flights back home.
Neither of us have much cash. I dont own a credit card.
So he told me before this trip that his card would be used for the last night and when it was time to pay the bill on it we would both have the cash to split it between us.
Well we checked in and his card wouldnt work.
He had maxed it out on online poker accounts.
So I had to use the last 100 euro in my account, the only money I had to my name, to pay for the room.
I will not be getting any more money for at least 2 weeks as im moving locations and the dole needs to be set up with the new county council.
I never let myself get below 100 in my current account for emergencies sake and now I have nothing.
The last day away in the new hotel we starved.
I didnt complain or get angry that he maxed out the card we needed with online gambling, and yes before people start an uproar.. I KNOW it is his card, but he still wasnt responsible or honest with me or we may not have ended up in that position.
We were just lucky that I was taking the money from a foreign machine as i actually went over my overdraft just to pay the night in the hotel, so in reality I didnt even HAVE enough...
So to say Im demanding, controlling, self centred... *sigh*...

I have to say, due to all the unhelpful, harsh and pretty hurtful responses ive gotten on here I wont be using this forum again.
If you feel someone is in the wrong thats fair enough, but you could try to put that argument forward in a respectful tone none the less, and refrain from down right attacking the OP, like some other people did, which I respect and appreciate.

Thank you.

LegacyUser

OP,

I agree with you totally that people on here were over the top and jumped to all sorts of conclusions on you and your relationship. Ridiculous.
However, after reading your response all I can now think is why on earth you are in a relationship with a man with a gambling problem and so clearly irresponsible and immature with money??

I genuinely dont understand that. You were complaining about a night out when it appears the elephant in the room is his gambling problem.
You want/wanted advice? Get yourself out of this relationship/mess. Life's too short. I'm sure he's a nice guy and all the rest but he needs to sort himself out and I'm sure you'd appreciate being in a nice uncomplicated relationship. Dont worry they exist

Cillian13

You're probably better off staying away from internet Forums anyway if you're looking for advise and can't take the bad with the good. Tbh it sound's like you have a whole load of issues with your other half which all the internet forums in the world wont be able to fix for you.
If you want my honest opinion (which I don't think you do but I'll give it anyway), you came across as a bit of a pest in your OP. Fair enough some of the things he did were out of order, but you must have been wrecking his head, going by what you were saying. Im with my other half 4 years+ at this stage and she knows better than to come out to one of my work parties expecting all my attention to be on her and that works both ways.
My Advise: Try to give less of a **** in the future, it will save you from A LOT of stress.

Cillian13

Guest_girl wrote: »

OP,

I agree with you totally that people on here were over the top and jumped to all sorts of conclusions on you and your relationship. Ridiculous.
However, after reading your response all I can now think is why on earth you are in a relationship with a man with a gambling problem and so clearly irresponsible and immature with money??

I genuinely dont understand that. You were complaining about a night out when it appears the elephant in the room is his gambling problem.
You want/wanted advice? Get yourself out of this relationship/mess. Life's too short. I'm sure he's a nice guy and all the rest but he needs to sort himself out and I'm sure you'd appreciate being in a nice uncomplicated relationship. Dont worry they exist

Wouldn't it be funny if this was your schizophrenic 'other half' talking. Damn Guest Accounts

can we check the IP address haha

gargleblaster

Guest_girl wrote: »

I agree with you totally that people on here were over the top and jumped to all sorts of conclusions on you and your relationship. Ridiculous.
However, after reading your response all I can now think is why on earth you are in a relationship with a man with a gambling problem and so clearly irresponsible and immature with money??

All of this. ^

It might be that his increasing trouble with gambling is what is fueling his emotional roller coaster lately.

LegacyUser

Thanks guest_girl

Still had the page open and refreshed it to read others posts and saw I had a new reply...

Its hard because I love him.
He has his up's and his down's.
Sometimes when he has bad runs and loses money he ends up very uptight and the smallest of things make him freak out.
He is very good at hiding all this from his friends.
He doesnt like them to know he has no money so he goes the opposite way and splashes it around to make out like he has lots.
He smiles and laughs and is very charming in front of others but only I see him when hes down and broken and miserable.
He can change how he sounds like the flick of a light, ive seen it many many times.
We could be talking and hes on the verge of tears over having no money or over his loses and things, and someone might ring him and its a different person that answers the phone- no one would know in the least that he was sad!!
He also cannot handle criticism at all. He gets VERY upset and defensive at the smallest of "here listen i didnt like that" or "that wasnt cool please dont do it again..."
He storms off a lot. And loses his temper a lot.
But god do I love him! I really do. These are bad points about him yes, but I have my own faults too...
Hes also affectionate and smart and loving on many many occasions.
He's very intelligent, and friendly, and most people love him just like I do.
Its tough. I told him today that I feel I have to be the responsible one, and look after our finances. We are supposed to be moving somewhere new soon and i know ill be the one paying the deposit etc.
I dont know. I care for him very very much, and i want to be with him, but the highs and lows take a lot out of me.
One moment he can be riding high and the next its the end of the world, over the smallest of conflicts or disagreements.
He knows this in himself, we've talked about it, and im willing to curb my own faults too to help the relationship stay positive.
We usually get on fine, but for example...
On our last trip when he lost all that money, when I expressed a little annoyance he got angry and I had to just shut it.
His feelings of being down in the dumps were more important than my feelings of anxiety of "what the hell are we going to do now for the rest of the trip with no money!!".
I have to keep it in because he reacts badly to any responses that arent just a hug and "are you ok? We'll get over it".
He says he doesnt need my disapproval, ESP at times when he has just lost money and is already feeling bad.
So this is usually my predicament.
I think our relationship (much the opposite of what most posters here think)
has gotten so grounded in his feelings being more important than mine, that he takes for granted that I should always be happy, doesnt pay much regard to my feelings or needs at all, and then it ends up with me losing my patience over it every once in a while, and possibly getting upset at smaller things because it builds up.

I'll have to figure all this stuff out myself now that we're home from our trip and seperate for a few days.

LegacyUser

Cillian13 wrote: »

You're probably better off staying away from internet Forums anyway if you're looking for advise and can't take the bad with the good. Tbh it sound's like you have a whole load of issues with your other half which all the internet forums in the world wont be able to fix for you.
If you want my honest opinion (which I don't think you do but I'll give it anyway), you came across as a bit of a pest in your OP. Fair enough some of the things he did were out of order, but you must have been wrecking his head, going by what you were saying. Im with my other half 4 years+ at this stage and she knows better than to come out to one of my work parties expecting all my attention to be on her and that works both ways.
My Advise: Try to give less of a **** in the future, it will save you from A LOT of stress.

Dude... LOL! You have no idea.

By no means did I go out on HIS work night out and expect all his attention...!!!
This is so inaccurate it makes me laugh....!!!
WE went on a holiday, which some of his aquaintences also went on, as a COUPLE, we ended up at a nightclub, with some of those people, of which 2 I know pretty well, one of whom had HIS gf with him too but acted like a normal couple, spending time dancing with her, drinking with her, while ALSO talking to his friends = normal IMO.
My BF barely spoke to me the whole night and we were there hours...
He only came near me when he was handing out another round of drinks and I had none and he asked me did I want one, which he then didnt get me. Another round of drinks and he came near me again, which was when he took the drink off me, walked off to another guy and gave it to him.
I was socialising with about 10 other guys who id only met that night (he had met before) for ALL the time I was there, before I decided, ok thats enough now this is too weird id rather leave.
Where in my OP did I say I wanted, or needed, all of his attention?????
Even the holiday we went on was one that HE was going to have HIS FRIENDS company on as well- not mine!!!
No one has at all pointed this out...
In my OP I was trying to be as annonymous as I could in case people in the group read any of this, some of them were Irish.
The best way of descriping it to me at the time was to describe it as his work though its really his hobby. I was drunk and it was 4:30 / 5am.
Would you take your GF on a night out and pretty much ignore her all night?
Its give and take in a relationship, not all give!!

LegacyUser

Cillian13 wrote: »

You're probably better off staying away from internet Forums anyway if you're looking for advise and can't take the bad with the good. Tbh it sound's like you have a whole load of issues with your other half which all the internet forums in the world wont be able to fix for you.
If you want my honest opinion (which I don't think you do but I'll give it anyway), you came across as a bit of a pest in your OP. Fair enough some of the things he did were out of order, but you must have been wrecking his head, going by what you were saying. Im with my other half 4 years+ at this stage and she knows better than to come out to one of my work parties expecting all my attention to be on her and that works both ways.
My Advise: Try to give less of a **** in the future, it will save you from A LOT of stress.

OH- and as in my previous post...
I said i RESPECTED peoples opinions if they think im in the wrong and put it forward in a manner that is not downright attacking the OP!!!
I said, as some posters have done, ie: saying im in the wrong but putting it down in a respectful manner none the less.
If youre going to criticise me, read my posts thoroughly first!!!

Otis Driftwood

Cillian13 wrote: »

Wouldn't it be funny if this was your schizophrenic 'other half' talking. Damn Guest Accounts

can we check the IP address haha

If you cant post here without making stupid cracks like that,dont bother posting here at all.

Also,Id like to add for the record under no circumstances are IP addresses checked in the personal issues forums.For those that are posting anonymously,your posts ARE 100% anonymous.

johnr1

Look Op, clearly you need to be with someone more responsible and organised to be happy. Your behaviour was a bit OTT but I can understand that given the previous history between you.
His behaviour was also not great, but maybe that's just the type of person he is, a "live for the moment" type of guy, who is quite happy to not plan his finances, and who gets great enjoyment from his lifestyle.
Simply put, although opposites attract and you both feel that the other keeps you from reverting to type too much, you are badly suited together and this type of argument will continue for as long as you are together.
You will never own a home with this guy, or have stability of finances while the possibility is there that he could lose the lot on a game or a horse.
He will never have the woman who would drop everything and disappear to Vegas for a week at the drop of a hat and without the flight home booked.
Don't try to tweak and change people to suit your ideal, either go find your ideal or accept people as they are. They may change over time, but will resent you for it.

My advice : Split up, - you two are toxic to each other.

fghijkl

In fairness OP you did say this first about your relationship

most of the time we are VERY happy together.

You only threw in the whole gambling problem thing after people didn't side with you (which seems like a pretty huge thing to leave out....)

I still absolutely stand by everything i've said, You behaved like a 4 year old child on the 2 nights in question and were completely out of order in the way you dealt with the situation. You still don't seem to want to acknowledge this or accept it. You were in the wrong.

With regards his gambling problem. It sounds like you are the type of person who needs security, stability and constant reassurance in a relationship. You are NEVER going to get any of that with a partner who has a serious gambling problem.

He owes you money, he lost 1,000 gambling on your last holiday and gambled away another 100 on this holiday that he knew he was going to need, and you're still going to pay his half of a deposit and move in with him ?! Are you really that stubborn, that you choose to ignore that both of you have serious problems. Don't throw your life away on stubbornness and foolish pride.

You are both obviously completely incompatible, you're heading for a car crash OP. Honestly i can't see what future you could possibly see in this relationship, unless you get some kind of kick out of playing the victim

johnr1 wrote: »

My advice : Split up, - you two are toxic to each other.

This.

Sometimes love just isn't enough. Ye are going to destroy each other by staying together.

Mighty_Mouse

I think maybe the reason I was so blunt initially is I instinctively knew you wouldn't hear any response that didn't suit. You're basically just looking to hear that your actions were correct and completely justified.

Overall, ye clearly have serious communication issues.
He's afraid to tell it to you straight. I reckon it's because you don't react well to not getting your own way. I'd say your a planner and don't like to deviate. He's more casual, "go-with-the-flow" type. Ye are going to drive each other crazy.

all I did was say that Id like to go back to the hotel at 11:30pm when we had been out all day walking the streets of Edinburgh and with little sleep the previous night.

You don't have control over your partner ever.
Why should he be obliged to return to the hotel because you feel tired?

I just didnt have the energy to be social any longer- is that a crime?
I didnt want to sit there, as people usually dont, and drag down the atmosphere by not being conversational enough, or by appearing tired

Perfectly normal. Just go home. Why does he have to come with you?

I always go with him when he wants to leave and we are out together, I dont send him off in a taxi on his own,

Your choice.
His choice, was to stay having fun.

I said I wanted him to come with me, but I didnt SAY to him, you have to come with me.
I simply said to him, honestly, Id really like if we could go back to the hotel now,

Yeah, he needs to grow a pair and tell you straight he's not going home.
There's no point flipping out in the taxi.
But how would you react to him saying....
" I'm not coming home now. I'm staying out partying with my mates. Grab yourself a taxi love....."

You don't seem like the happy-go-lucky type when you don't get your way.
From this point on, the row was guaranteed no matter what he said.

it was AFTER the other stuff happened that I started to feel like he just had no regard for me at all.
And the trip WASNT a trip for him to be with his friends. Not in the least, it was actually a trip we planned for ages for US as a couple.

Ye both clearly had different plans.
Do you think he "sold" the trip to you differently to get your "permission" to go away? Give the fact there are money issues?

The whole "money problems" thing. Oh man... My BF OWES me money guys...
He gambles.
The last trip we went on he lost 1,000 euro of our last money in a casino.

You can't control his gambling or his finances.
Institute a zero money lending rule between ye.
If he's broke, he's broke......
My guess this relationship is in the pits anyways.

as gotten so grounded in his feelings being more important than mine, that he takes for granted that I should always be happy, doesnt pay much regard to my feelings or needs at all, and then it ends up with me losing my patience over it every once in a while, and possibly getting upset at smaller things because it builds up.

Exactly.
This trip and your actions were due to a whole range of issues in the relationship.
Either you speak to him and he hears you or ye both continue this toxic, frustrating, romance.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, You've been lambasted alot already here, thats hard to take, so I wont comment directly on the details of your posts.

The impression I got of your boyfriend in the early posts was this is a man who wants out of the relationship he's in but doesn't have the guts to end it. Both of you actually illuded to ending the relationship twice over the weekend away. You saying he should find someone elce the first night and him saying he was ending it the second night. If I was you Id pay some heed to that, I dont think its entirely drunk rambling. The fact that he was nice to you the next day was him trying to sweep it under the carpet, it wasn't resolved at all.

The revelation that he has a gambling problem, suggests its not just that he's unhappy with the relationship. Gambling is an addiction, which involves stress, guilt, remorse, selfishness, shame, you name it.

You would be a fool to pretend his gambling is a minor problem. I would be willing to bet this is just the tip of the iceberg with problems between the two of you. If you want to stay with him, the both of you will have to address his gambling because thats the real problem here.

LegacyUser

Hey op,

Its the "non-register" back with more advice
I feel for your situation and you seem like a genuine person.
I hear what your saying when you talk about being in love with him and i'm sure the positive qualities you have outlined of him are all true.

However, the fact remains that your boyfriend has a gambling problem/addiction. Call it what you will. Forget, for the moment, the issue of being ignored on a night out etc, etc. The real issue it appears his is problems with money and how it is seemingly changing his personality (highs and lows). The fact that he is a different person around everyone else is not surprising. It is, unfortunately, the characteristics of someone trying to hide a serious problem. Well you are the best person to judge just how serious it is. Not anonymous people on the internet.

Would you not leave him and at least try and see what that life could be like?
He may get help and who knows ye could end up back together with a fresh perspective...you won't know until you try it.

LegacyUser

Thank you to the last 2 posters.
Honestly, whats in my heart, is that with someone else it might work to leave him and show him in that way that things are not right, but with him, hes not the type of person to work on things and see his side of a problem.
If i did this, he would just think, oh well, that didnt work out, and forget about me.
Id lose him. There would be no improvement or back thought for him, id be gone and that would be it.
I do love him, and so i see there is no option of a seperation unless i want to lose him, and I dont.
He doesnt give much thought to things, its a here and now kind of personality he has.
I know people on here have said that this is the way *I* am, not dealing well when I dont get my way, but really if you knew our relationship better you would see that this is the way HE is.
If im ever upset about anything he reacts angrily and avoids talking about it, like the first night.
Storming off or telling me to stop giving out are what he does.
When I wanted to leave early the second night and he came with me- unmade to do so- he lost the plot for "not being able to do what he wanted".
There's never a compromise on his part, but I compromise a lot.
He loses money and i dont go on about it for the sake of his feelings.
If he wants to stay in and gamble online while i sit there doing nothing in his place because we are confined to his room i say nothing for the sake of him doing what he wants and not me.
Its just the way he is, he'll never change that aspect of him.
And yes he can turn on a completely different facade to other people which sometimes makes me feel side lined, as in we will discuss money and he'll say we are so broke we need to be careful with money, to me, and then the same day he's being irresponsible with it and telling me to hush so people dont know we're in a bad way.
I feel like i have to be fake. It makes me feel like keeping up appearances with other people seems more important to him then being responsible for me / with me.

And to Mighty_mouse.
I never said he was obliged to return to the hotel because i was tired.
I never said I should have control over him!
When i said that I would go with him if we were on a night out together and he wanted to leave and that he should do the same, I said each to their own and thats fair enough.
I feel like you are just trying to pick a row with me because you dont seem to be responding accurately to the things ive said!
And no, he doesnt NEED my permission ever to go away either, this was only one of numerous trips that he actually took me on.
Hes gone on others without me while I stayed home, this one was supposed to be a special one for us because it was on over in Edinburgh while the Fringe festival was going on so we said we'd make a holiday out of it.

dellas1979

Before the battery dies on my laptop I feel compelled to write.

What in the heck??

The bottom line is that he gets out of control, and you are left dealing with it. Your way of trying to control the situation is to pull on his heart stings, but it isnt working, so you come across as all needy and stuff.

If I were you, Id be asking how much longer I would put up with him, because you come across as more and more insecure and no confidence in your relationship with each post.

Why are you doing this to yourself? How long more will you string yourself along for a man who doesnt really respect you? 1 year, 2 years?? And then what?

LegacyUser

dellas1979.
You are right, I have very little self-esteem, and I feel this relationship is / has made it worse.
The more he does the things he does, the more insecure I feel and the more I feel like I need to hold on to him!!
Its a weird vicious cycle and I dont understand it at all!
Instead of feeling annoyed and leaving or walking away myself, I usually do the wrong thing and tell him I'm upset because I feel like I need him to tell me he cares.
Why does it happen this way?
Why is it that when youre in a more secure relationship you feel able to stand your ground more when you dont really need to, but when in a relationship when you need to have that confidence its usually when you get more and more drawn into feelings of dependency and neediness?
Im at a loss myself, I really am.
I sometimes feel like if I dont make this work I'll be alone forever because there's nothing else out there.
Or I start to think this is all my fault I'm just messed up and if I leave him I'll realise this more and more and I'll regret throwing it away.
I wish I had just left on the occasions I felt uncomfortable and made him realise after a while then that I was gone, and then leave him to think about why I left, but instead I go to him looking for something to feel better. Its messed up
I think sometimes that I'm just not good for anyone, or that it was the biggest mistake of my life to break up with my 1st boyfriend as it wasn't like this with him, I felt happy and secure and trusting.
I dont know anymore...

Magicmatilda

AdviceOnNightOut wrote: »

If i did this, he would just think, oh well, that didnt work out, and forget about me.
Id lose him. There would be no improvement or back thought for him, id be gone and that would be it.
I do love him, and so i see there is no option of a seperation unless i want to lose him, and I dont.

If I were you I would be questioning this. Why do you feel that you have to cling so hard to someone who you admit wouldn't really care if you left?

By what you have posted your boyfriend is a gambling addict. Yes addict. Now it is often the case that the partner of an addict will be co-dependent. Someone who wasn't co dependent would not put up with all the stuff an addict throughs at you. Obviousely this is not always the case but it does seem to be the case here from what you have quoted above. Its like you don't see yourself as a separate entity, an independent being which you are. To be honest I think this explains all your behaviour. You leave the pub, so he must. You wanting him to do the same thing as you, with you all the time. I suspect you think that is what a relationship is. Constantly being together, doing everything together. It's not, that is enmeshment. I would suggest that you read "the language of letting go". It might help you to see things clearly and to learn how to communicate with your boyfriend better.

denhaagenite

AdviceOnNightOut wrote: »

You are right, I have very little self-esteem, and I feel this relationship is / has made it worse.
The more he does the things he does, the more insecure I feel and the more I feel like I need to hold on to him!!
Its a weird vicious cycle and I dont understand it at all!

You know in your heart that it's over but don't want it to be a failure.

AdviceOnNightOut wrote: »

Instead of feeling annoyed and leaving or walking away myself, I usually do the wrong thing and tell him I'm upset because I feel like I need him to tell me he cares.
Why does it happen this way?

Reassurance that you're not going crazy.

AdviceOnNightOut wrote: »

Why is it that when youre in a more secure relationship you feel able to stand your ground more when you dont really need to, but when in a relationship when you need to have that confidence its usually when you get more and more drawn into feelings of dependency and neediness?

Because you're never put in that position. The person compliments your personality, your overall outlook is better and mentally you are stronger and healthier.

AdviceOnNightOut wrote: »

Im at a loss myself, I really am.
I sometimes feel like if I dont make this work I'll be alone forever because there's nothing else out there.

This is completely wrong. Of course every relationship needs an amount of work but you're just fighting with how things are, thinking that everything will be OK if he changes. If changes as fundamental as you are outlining need to be made, then the relationship is a farce.

AdviceOnNightOut wrote: »

Or I start to think this is all my fault I'm just messed up and if I leave him I'll realise this more and more and I'll regret throwing it away.
I wish I had just left on the occasions I felt uncomfortable and made him realise after a while then that I was gone, and then leave him to think about why I left, but instead I go to him looking for something to feel better. Its messed up

This is rambling. Pure desperation. The longer you go on like this the harder it will be.

AdviceOnNightOut wrote: »

I think sometimes that I'm just not good for anyone, or that it was the biggest mistake of my life to break up with my 1st boyfriend as it wasn't like this with him, I felt happy and secure and trusting.
I dont know anymore...

I'm pretty sure that at the time you didn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. Just because a relationship doesn't work out, that doesn't mean that no relationship you are in will work out. You just haven't met the right person yet. Why do you feel that you have to be in a relationship all the time anyway? Would you not just give yourself a break, to build up your own confidence?

On a side note, if you are both so hard up for money, why are you away all the time?? This will put further stress and pressure on both of you. I have no experience with a gambling addiction, but my advice to you would be to stop sharing cash with the guy. Don't pay for things for him, don't lend him money etc. When the relationship ends (I'm sorry if this comes across as blunt but this is a fact, not a possibility) it will just be another thing to be sour about and dwell on.

You need to completely forget about this and walk away.

Mighty_Mouse

I want to apologise if I was OTT to begin with here.
It's clear you need to resolve huge relationship issues which led to the weekend in question.

I never said he was obliged to return to the hotel because i was tired.
I never said I should have control over him!
When i said that I would go with him if we were on a night out together and he wanted to leave and that he should do the same,

TomAtoes,Tomatoes.............

And no, he doesnt NEED my permission ever to go away either,

Hence why I quoted permission in italics.
The point is your bf feels he cannot be straight with you.
I'm guessing it's because he fears your reaction (whether justified or not).

dellas1979

Oh jesus, you are scared to be on your own? So are the other few billion people on this planet, but you know what? Its better to be on your own and sort yourself out than being in a relationship like this. You are not going to stop existing because you are on your own. Its pretty sad that you believe things like that. Have a go, and you might surprise yourself.

And, the answer to your question is that he walks all over you because you let him, due to your own issues. He is not going to change. He is not going to turn around and be all remorseful. Are you kidding me? If I was him, Id do the same if someone let me freely walk all over them.