am I allowed to meet an ex for lunch?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. Not a big problem I know, but hoping for advice. I want to meet up with an ex boyfriend for lunch. When we first broke up we used to meet up every now and then for coffee, catch up about family/friends etc - nothing untoward. But my current boyfriend wasn't too happy with it, its not that he stopped me but I could see that it made him feel insecure so I just didn't bother any more. There was no reason to feel insecure, my ex is just a nice guy and we share mutual friends but to my current boyfriend he is a threat because he is older/richer/has a certain lifestyle that I suppose I don't have with my current partner because of financial worries. However there is no chemistry between us so as far as I'm concerned there is no issue. My ex has got in touch to see if I want to meet him for lunch one of the days and I would really like to see how he is getting on. Problem is, if I mention it to my bf it will be this huge big deal, with a possible argument in store and me having to reassure him and all that. Would I be within my rights to meet him and not say anything? I don't want to make things complicated, but at the same time I feel annoyed that I have to ask permission. Then again, sneaking around would be crazy. Or should I just say to my ex I can't meet him? What are the rules here guys? Anyone else friendly with an ex?

blahblah06

How would u feel if your bf was going to meet an ex for lunch? Seriously not a good idea there an ex for a reason show your current partner some decency and respect his wishes

sam34

there is no way I would put up with someone dictating who I could or couldn't meet. if you want to meet this guy, then do so. I wouldn't hide it either, tell your bf and tell him you are meeting for lunch, as friends, nothing more. why should you run your life to pander to his insecurities? if he doesn't trust you then why is he with you?

I have remained friends with an ex , it's now 7 or 8 years since we broke up yet we are still great friends. for both of us, other relationships have come and gone but the friendship has lasted. there is nothing sexual there, neither of us are secretly pining for the other, it's just honest genuine friendship.

any one who came along and tried to get us to break off contact wouldn't last long.

Are you "allowed"? Of course you're "allowed". What a question to ask.
Meet him for lunch if you want, there is nothing wrong with it since you have both moved on.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

The rules are what you make them - whatever expectations and boundaries you lay down as acceptable within your relationship.

Tbh, the whole idea of feeling forced into not meeting an ex because of a current boyfriends insecurities and the inevitable tantrums reeks of passive-aggressive control. Perhaps you should sit your boyfriend down and point out you and the ex were mates prior to them coming on the scene and that's the way it's going to remain and if he has a problem with that, it's just that - HIS problem. That way you are being honest and upfront and if it turns out your boyfriend is insecure to the point of being unable to trust you then you can decide if that's the kind of relationship you want to be in.

All the best. :cool:

silly

If you really want to meet this ex, then fo not donut behind your boyfriends back.

If I found out my boyfriend was meeting an ex behind my back, no matter how innocent it would be I wouldn't like it to be done without me knowing.

Tbh if I were you, I wouldn't bother meeting the ex.
I don't see the point, is it that important to you that you would risk hurting your current boyfriends feelings?

He is obviously insecure and you shouldnt be giving him reasons to be even more insecure by going behind his back. If you care about him, you will not meet your ex.

Juicyfruit

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Hey OP,

The rules are what you make them - whatever expectations and boundaries you lay down as acceptable within your relationship.

Exactly, and her Boyfriend has stated that her meeting up with an ex is unacceptable for him and has set his boundries on it.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Tbh, the whole idea of feeling forced into not meeting an ex because of a current boyfriends insecurities and the inevitable tantrums reeks of passive-aggressive control. Perhaps you should sit your boyfriend down and point out you and the ex were mates prior to them coming on the scene and that's the way it's going to remain and if he has a problem with that, it's just that - HIS problem. That way you are being honest and upfront and if it turns out your boyfriend is insecure to the point of being unable to trust you then you can decide if that's the kind of relationship you want to be in.

All the best. :cool:

That's not really fair, her boyfriend isn't comfortable with it and doesn't like the idea. Relationships are about give and take. I'm sure if there was something that the Op wasn't comfortable with then she would expect her boyfriend not to do it which is fair enough.

Sneaking around is a bad idea OP, as if he were to find out he would suspect more than what is going on because you've lied about it.

Look at things from his point of view - would you like to know he was meeting up with his amazingly gorgeous ex for lunch?

It would be a different story alltogether if it was just a male friend that was never romantically invoived, then there would be a problem with your boyfriend not being happy about it and that would be a trust issue, but the fact that you have a history makes it understandable.

An ex is an ex for a reason and maybe your boyfriend can't see past that and thinks that maybe your ex is after more than friendship.

inexperienced

Talk with your boyfriend and see whether you guys can find the middle ground.

He should learn to deal with his own insecurities without intervening your friendship with anyone. See whether you can help him grow up a little bit maybe??

Mr. Incognito

sam34 wrote: »

there is no way I would put up with someone dictating who I could or couldn't meet. if you want to meet this guy, then do so. I wouldn't hide it either, tell your bf and tell him you are meeting for lunch, as friends, nothing more. why should you run your life to pander to his insecurities? if he doesn't trust you then why is he with you?

I have remained friends with an ex , it's now 7 or 8 years since we broke up yet we are still great friends. for both of us, other relationships have come and gone but the friendship has lasted. there is nothing sexual there, neither of us are secretly pining for the other, it's just honest genuine friendship.

any one who came along and tried to get us to break off contact wouldn't last long.

You are obviously not over him

inexperienced

xLouLoux wrote: »

Exactly, and her Boyfriend has stated that her meeting up with an ex is unacceptable for him and has set his boundries on it..

But OP does not feel comfortable with the boundaries that set?!?

If I was OP, I would resent the bf more and more if I was not allowed to have a say over the friendships with some people I like to keep as a friend.

Ickle Magoo

xLouLoux wrote: »

Exactly, and her Boyfriend has stated that her meeting up with an ex is unacceptable for him and has set his boundries on it.

Well, no. Making someone feel they can't meet someone for lunch that they used to meet for lunch thru to emotional blackmail and tantrums isn't setting boundaries - and that's because banning someone from seeing someone else is the kind of behaviour that would have most people running for the hills.

xLouLoux wrote: »

That's not really fair, her boyfriend isn't comfortable with it and doesn't like the idea. Relationships are about give and take. I'm sure if there was something that the Op wasn't comfortable with then she would expect her boyfriend not to do it which is fair enough.

Well, this is where personal expectations and boundaries come in. If one party is uncomfortable whenever their partner speaks to a member of the opposite sex is that fair enough? What about if he's uncomfortable with her speaking to guys she works with? Going on nights out? Emotional blackmail, control and chronic insecurity has a bad habit of snowballing - it strikes me the OP is already resenting the level of control her insecure bf is exhibiting.

Juicyfruit

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Well, no. Making someone feel they can't meet someone for lunch that they used to meet for lunch thru to emotional blackmail and tantrums isn't setting boundaries - and that's because banning someone from seeing someone else is the kind of behaviour that would have most people running for the hills.

OP wrote: »

But my current boyfriend wasn't too happy with it, its not that he stopped me but I could see that it made him feel insecure so I just didn't bother any more.

Her boyfriend isn't "banning" her from doing anything - he wasn't happy about it.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Well, this is where personal expectations and boundaries come in. If one party is uncomfortable whenever their partner speaks to a member of the opposite sex is that fair enough? What about if he's uncomfortable with her speaking to guys she works with? Going on nights out? Emotional blackmail, control and chronic insecurity has a bad habit of snowballing - it strikes me the OP is already resenting the level of control her insecure bf is exhibiting.

xLouLoux wrote: »

It would be a different story alltogether if it was just a male friend that was never romantically invoived, then there would be a problem with your boyfriend not being happy about it and that would be a trust issue, but the fact that you have a history makes it understandable.

Like I said, that would be a different story altogether.

Oryx

You feel annoyed that you have to ask permission. You don't. Your life is yours to live and you meet who you please. BUT you will have to deal with the insecurities it will cause in your oh. The ex is not the issue, your boyfriends lack of trust (or whatever) is. So you dont ask permission, you tell, openly what you are doing in your life, both in this situation and any other. Then you deal with any hassle it causes. Because you need to get past this problem in your bfs head. This is the kind of thing that can spread to other areas of control without either you or him being conciously aware youre doing it till its done. So meet it head on now, and get it sorted.

The worst, worst, worst thing you could do is sneak around. If found out, it will just compound any suspicions your boyfriend has. As well as making you feel like a dishonest louse.

Maple

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

You are obviously not over him

This is not relevant to the OP's issue. Going forward please direct all responses to the OP and keep the advice constructive.

Maple

solovely

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

You are obviously not over him

How on earth do you get that out of that?

Always on this, people seem to think being friends with an ex, even when clearly there are no sexual feelings whatsoever, is a bad idea.

I'm meeting an ex I went out with for 5 years (6 years ago) for lunch today. No biggie, although I don't know if his girlfriend knows....she would be more for the jealous, insecure brigade of a lot of people commenting.

When someone has shared your life for many years, knows all your family, you know theirs, have friends in common, etc. it's only natural, out of curiosity and interest to want to meet up occasionally and catch up. I don't understand how so few people believe that exes can be friends without any sexual feeling whatsoever?!?!

If your boyfriend is not reassured enough by you saying there is 100% no feeling, then he is the one with the issues, not you, and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty or be punished because of his insecurity issues!

LegacyUser

OK OP, I'm going to be straight. Insecurity is one of the things that can and will wreck a relationship. Your boyfriend may have silly insecurities already but I don't think an insecurity about an ex is one of them. I don't buy into that passive aggressive control crap. It is perfectly natural to feel a bit threatened when an ex shows up on the scene.

I'd like to think for the most part I'm a confident guy, but I know that when my ex's bf showed up and started wanting to meet more regularly for coffee with my ex I really didn't like it.

The fact of the matter is , you are developing a new friendship, a new romantic relationship with your present bf. I believe this is a loyalty issue. This ex of yours is a part of your past. Move on.

If you must meet your ex, why not bring your current bf along with you. Introduce him to your ex. If he is just a friend you will not give a crap about introducing him to your current bf... right?

That said, I wouldn't like this situation TBH and I agree with other posters here. If I was to find out you had met up behind my back , I would be very hurt and suspect the worst. Best to be honest.

blue5000

Why is your current bf so against you meeting an ex for lunch? Is it more than his insecurity?

Leitrim lass

unregistered wrote: »

but to my current boyfriend he is a threat because he is older/richer/has a certain lifestyle that I suppose I don't have with my current partner because of financial worries.

It's a tough one OP!
I know there is no chemistry between you and your ex and it's obvious that your boyfriend is insecure but I don't really see him as being overly controlling from what you've said.
Of course he is going to compare himself to your ex, and in his eyes he compares himself unfavourably.
A bit of empathy towards your boyfriends feeling balanced with not being pressured to stop doing things which are important to you is what's needed.
Is it possible you inadvertently rubbed your boyfriends nose in it in the past by letting him know about your ex's success.
Maybe best not to go on too much about your ex's life so he can't compare.

Some might say that you should be able to talk all you want about your ex, that it's your boyfriends problem and not talking about certain things is in itself being controlled, but I say it about showing consideration for your partners feelings.
Deal with it as you would like your partner to deal with it if you were in his shoes ie; him meeting up with a gorgeous/successful ex when you feel you don't quite measure up to her.
Good luck with it.

LegacyUser

I think there are two things here. The first is whether you are 'allowed' to do anything. Well that is up to the OP. Ultimately nobody should disrespect you and tell you/order you what to do.

On the other hand you need to agree on common boundaries. Your BF is quite entitled to have his boundaries regarding your ex. I do not know a single couple that did not have insecurity issues when one or either party kept regular contact with an ex.

I am going to be straight here. When I break up, I break up. I will keep some contact with an ex ,be cordial and be nice to her if I bump into her on the street. But keeping an ex around is keeping one foot in the past. What do you gain by having contact with this ex, that you wouldn't get by befriending new people, doing something constructive that enforces your partners trust in you. The world will throw enough problems and insecurities at you on its own without you deliberately trying to do it.

Ultimately OP, if you feel that strongly about still meeting your ex, or if you feel that NOT meeting your ex with make you feel resentful of your current BF then it would strike me that the two of you have different concepts of loyalty and boundaries and that makes for bad relationship dynamic.

I am a friend

sam34 wrote: »

there is no way I would put up with someone dictating who I could or couldn't meet. if you want to meet this guy, then do so. I wouldn't hide it either, tell your bf and tell him you are meeting for lunch, as friends, nothing more. why should you run your life to pander to his insecurities? if he doesn't trust you then why is he with you?

Exactly.... Why give him that power over you if its a balanced relationship. Invite him along if he is that pushed but if he has any cop he wouldnt go.

BKtje

An ex is an ex for a reason and maybe your boyfriend can't see past that and thinks that maybe your ex is after more than friendship.

I really don't understand what this "ex is an ex" stuff is about. A decision was made to no longer be together so I don't see the problem unless you bf/gf is regretting the decision.

I quite regularly see my ex (how often varies) and my current gf, while not being delighted with the situation, understands that I am not hers and that I have my own choices to make. My ex's boyfriend however is very unhappy about the situation and constantly believes that she will leave him for me (while the opposite is actually what happened) and rang 30+ times the last time we had lunch (their relationship is on it's last legs I believe but that's neither here nor there for this thread). My gf also see's her ex from time to time (and I'm not saying I like it) and I know he wants her back but I also trust my gf when she says she's not interested in him but just wants to help him get his life together.

If my gf on the other hand asked me not to see my ex anymore and explained why I would respect her decision but would be disappointed by her lack of trust which I feel I've earned by now.

Relationships come down to trust, without trust you basically can't have a lasting one.

Setun

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Making someone feel they can't meet someone for lunch that they used to meet for lunch thru to emotional blackmail and tantrums isn't setting boundaries - and that's because banning someone from seeing someone else is the kind of behaviour that would have most people running for the hills.

Did I miss the bit where the OP describes emotional blackmail and tantrums?? As far as I understand (going from the information in the OP), her partner did not attempt to stop her from meeting her ex, but to some extent made it clear that he was uncomfortable with the idea. That's fair enough, in my opinion. There's little evidence to suggest that he's being manipulative or controlling.

As for going to meet him, I'd say go ahead and have your coffee with him, and definitely tell your partner about it too. There's absolutely no point in hiding it, as there's nothing untoward going on - and explain this to your OH if he gives signals that he's uncomfortable.

G-Money

Tricky one OP.

As others have said, if you go meet him definitely don't keep it a secret, that is just a recipe for a disaster.

I agree with a previous poster who mentioned they don't buy this passive aggressive line. I don't really believe such a thing exists. I think it's just a line that people use when they can't get their own way about something guilt free and want to shift the focus and blame onto someone else.

I also agree that you don't need permission to go meet anyone. That is one of my big gripes about people when they are in relationships saying they need "permission" to go out or whatever. That's nonsense.

I think your BF is entitled to be not super happy about the fact that you are meeting an ex. Be honest with yourself and if the situation was reversed and he was meeting up with some super ex who has some attribute that makes you feel a little insecure. Would you be completely ok with that? Be completely honest and really put yourself in his shoes, rather than just flippantly saying "I wouldn't be happy about it but I'd get over it".

If it were me I'd wouldn't be too mad on the idea but I'd more than likely keep my mouth shut unless it started to become a regular occurrence or something, then I might start to ask more questions.

I don't think it's insecure to have question marks when your current partner wants to meet an ex. I kind of subscribe to the theory that you shouldn't stay in touch with an ex. It can only work if both people genuinely have no feelings other than platonic friendship. If one or both do have feelings more than that, then it's a bad idea.

If your bf trusts you and if there is genuinely nothing going on between you and your ex and there definitely won't be in the future, then I'd say you probably could go meet him. Just don't make it a regular occurrence. I think that would make even the most secure person feel concerned.

All the best.

sam34

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

You are obviously not over him

rubbish

BeenThereDoneThat wrote: »

The fact of the matter is , you are developing a new friendship, a new romantic relationship with your present bf. I believe this is a loyalty issue. This ex of yours is a part of your past. Move on.

exes are not necessarily in the past, though. the relationship is, but the person themselves - not necessarily so. they may be part of the same social circle, or they may simply have remained friends after the relationship break up.

why should a longterm friend (the ex) be sidelined when a new b/f comes along (who may not end up being longterm at all)

pipelaser

Are you allowed? Yes
Is it a Good idea considering you are in a new relationship? No

Its as simple as that, in a perfect world current boyfriends wouldn't get jealous or have concerns, but this is the reality, they do.

You could go out and do this type of thing ten times and he will still love you, but he will feel like you're spoiling the party, and it will erode all that's good in your relationship.

If you think your boyfriend may be 'the one', Dont do it, or bring him along!

If hes just someone who could be anyone, you could gamble and go.

LegacyUser

Hi OP your current BF didnt say you couldnt meet the EX
So I dont buy into all this "allowed" cr*p.
He is entitled to not feel happy, truth be told, he probably doesnt know why you want to meet your ex.

Personally I always felt ex's are exs for a reason and I would no more want to actively meet them again then the man in the moon ( and no they didnt end badly) I just dont see the NEED to live in the past.

Perhaps your BF feels the same as me and is wondering is this some mixed message you sending? But you'll only find out his feelings and what he thinks by talking to him.

Would you be 100% happy if he met his ex's without fully talking it out??

LegacyUser

Don't go behind his back, because when he eventually finds out about one of your secret meetings, he's gonna think, "well I've found out this time, but how often has this happened before behind my back?", it will just raise unnecessary suspicions and cause issues with trust and doubt in his head.

I wouldn't ask for permission either though, I would simply TELL him I'm going for lunch with X, and ask "would you like to join us?"
Maybe if they actually met at least once, it would cut out some of your boyfriend's insecurities if he saw that ye were genuinely just friends.

I would say the same any time I was going to meet the guy, "I'm going such a place with X if you'd like to come."
I think if he meets him just once, and that he knows the door is always open if he wants to come to any of these meet ups, that he won't want to join you again meeting your friend, but that his mind would be clear from doubt because he know's that he COULD join ye if he wanted to. It would be hard for him to be suspicious of meet ups that he is invited to join with if he wanted to.

Hopefully after meeting your ex once, and being in the knowledge that he is always welcome to tag along in future, he won't want to again, for fear of looking very possessive and a bit silly.

If none of this worked though, and he remained very unhappy about the situation, then my decision on what to do would depend on exactly WHY he was unhappy about it.
If he suspected that I was going to cheat hence not trusting me to remain faithful, then I would have to seriously consider ending the relationship.
If it was because that although he knew that I would never cheat, but he was just plain jealous and uncomfortable with the idea of this particular ex spending time with me, then I think if all efforts failed to ease his insecurity, then I would just stop seeing the ex. I wouldn't make a habit of stopping seeing people that he was insecure about though, it would just be a one off, if it just seemed to be that one particular person he didn't like, but he was grand about me being friendly with every other fella I knew.

It does seem like he is just jealous and insecure about the other guy's wealth and success OP. He might feel inadequate, and think that the other guy has more he could offer you (in his mind anyway), and that this just makes him feel smaller. It might not be that he doesn't trust you, it just sounds like simple jealousy and insecurity.
If you can reassure him how little wealth and riches mean to you, and express that the love you two have together is worth more than any of that. and that you are much happier now with him, than you ever were with the other guy. Also explain to him that there is zero chemistry between you and the other guy hence why ye are not together anymore.
Maybe this will help you boyfriend to feel more secure.

I'm giving this advice from trying to put myself in your boyfriend's shoes. I'm fairly confident in my own looks, and don't usually meet many people who I would think of as much prettier than me, but if my boyfriend was meeting an ex, and she happened to be a supermodel imo, or have a hugely successful job and lifestyle in the field I'm only still studying, I would feel very unhappy about it all. I know my boyfriend wouldn't cheat, but I would fear that he was making comparisons between me and her, and that I would end up falling short of this "superwoman". So although I know he wouldn't cheat, my insecurities would eat at me, that "would he prefer if I was more like her?" I can acknowledge that this would be jealousy and insecurity, and that I should just get over it, but that would be much easier said than done.

I think if I was invited to meet the person and spend a bit of time chatting and getting to know the ex, and she seemed like a very nice person, it wouldn't bother me anymore. If I think someone is a nice person, then any tinges of jealousy just seem to melt away from me. I have a very attractive friend, even strangers always come up telling her that she should be a model when we are out, and yet I feel nothing but love and friendship with her, I trust her completely around my boyfriend, and the two of them have great craic and banter between them. If hypothetically though, she had happened to be an ex of my boyfriend's who I'd never met before, the first time I would have layed eyes on her I wouldn't have been happy with my boyfriend going for lunch with her, purely because she is so stunning. If I was invited though, after just half an hour with chatting to her I would like her, and be ok about the situation in future. That's just how my mind works. Nice person who I like= I don't feel insecure with my boyfriend spending time with that person.

If my boyfriend was jealous and insecure about me seeing an ex of mine, and after trying everything to get him over these feelings he still wasn't happy about it, then I would stop seeing the ex. We all have irrational fears, and I couldn't carry on in the knowledge that I was really hurting my boyfriend each time I saw that particular person.
It would be a different story if he was insecure about all males, then it would be dumpsville, but if it was one particular EX who has something that he did not (in your case wealth) and he felt very insecure, then I would be willing to stop seeing that person. I know he would do the same for me, because he wouldn't ever want to hurt me badly.

I'm lucky enough in this regard. I've chatted to two of my boyfriend's exes on the phone and had great chats with them, and the last two weekends I've been out in the pub with another of my boyfriend's exes from years ago. He hasn't spoke to her in years(myself and him are together over 7 years), it just so happened that she has become friendly with one of my old friends, and was coming out with us. Didn't even know she was an ex until the next day, when my boyfriend asked who was out, I said her name and he was like, "oh, I was seeing her years ago, hows she gettin on? lol. Was out with her again last night, she's dead sound. He only had a brief fling with her about 9 or 10 years ago, but it was kinda funny how we met.

WANTStoWORK

You say going for lunch with your ex is 'Not a big problem'. Not wanting to sound rude or anything but if it's not a big problem then why seek a second opinion, honestly I am not trying to be smart but me thinks you miss the lunch dates with guy and miss him too, time to be honest with yourself. Good luck!

WANTStoWORK

WANTStoWORK wrote: »

You say going for lunch with your ex is 'Not a big problem'. Not wanting to sound rude or anything but if it's not a big problem then why seek a second opinion, honestly I am not trying to be smart but me thinks you miss the lunch dates with guy and miss him too, time to be honest with yourself. Good luck!

Talk about adding 2+2 and getting 5
she doesn't think it's an issue, the OH does, seeking second opinion for perspective

I don't know why everyone makes such a mountain out of it

LegacyUser

I don't believe the boyfriend should be painted as the big bad wolf for not 'allowing' his girlfriend out to meet an ex. As has been pointed out by the OP and other posters, he never said she wasn't allowed to go. The OP's boyfriend is well within his rights to express his unhappiness with this situation, that's what an adult relationship is all about. Good for him I say!
If my boyfriend was meeting up with an ex, I wouldn't be happy about it because I would believe he still has feelings for her, or she has feelings for him. I really don't believe it's possible to shove your feelings down out of sight when your partner is doing something you don't like! To suggest anything otherwise either means you've never been in a serious relationship, or you're in a relationship where you call all the shots.

As other people have said, put yourself in his position. If you can honestly say after seriously thinking it through that you wouldn't mind if he were meeting his ex regularly, then you need to have a chat with your boyfriend explaining that your ex is just a friend and that he will have to trust you. Don't forget that factors such as 1. who broke up with who, and 2. does your ex know you're seeing someone, also may be playing a part in your boyfriend's unhappiness about the whole thing, and will need to be addressed.