'The Ex Girlfriend'-overreacting?

carlows

This is going to be a long one but i really need someone's advice..please

I am with my fiance now just over 5 years, we have one gorgeous son and i am expecting our second child, We are also in the process of building our house so its all go...:D

I was lying beside my other half awhile ago and his phone was on the bed. I picked it up and jokingly said 'Lets see who you've been texting'....I opened his inbox and seen messages from 'The Ex' (His ex-girlfriend):eek:. I was really shocked as we had issues about her before a few years ago, i just walked out of the room....

I returned about 10mins later and asked what they were saying etc, why he didn't just say she text etc. He said he didn't want me to get upset over it. She had just text asking him to vote in a competition for her child.... I asked to see the messages if they were just chit chat BUT he deleted them.

We had words over it, i couldn't understand why he didn't tell me if there was nothing to it, why he deleted the messages now i won't know if he was telling me the truth etc. I told him how i felt and he put it down to hormones and i was overreacting.:mad:

I asked him to just be honest and tell me if she gets in contact again, I really hate lies in a relationship. I am of the opinion that 'ex' girlfriends don't get it touch with ex boyfriends without an alteriative motive (just my opinion). He promised me he would tell me:)

It played in my mind for awhile and one day in work, i decided to check his e-mails. I logged on and here was an e-mail from 'The Ex'. He hadn't opened it yet so i didn't read it. I then text him asking for the password to his e-mails said i needed to get into it. He took ages in getting back to me, when i rang him he said he had to go home to do something for his mother....I logged it again and the e-mail was deleted. He drove a good 10mins to his mam's to access a computer to delete the e-mail before giving me the password.

Needless to say i spent the day in work crying and crying, felt so sick and being over 6 months pregnant didn't help.
Again we had major words, told him how much i was hurting etc. Why was he doing this to me etc. Why was he being nice to her. He said he didn't want anything to do with her, said he would ignore her until she gets the msg and goes away.

To cut it short...'The Ex's' sister added him as a friend on facebook-He declined and next thing 'the Ex' is friends with both his sisters on facebook-they don't really know each other. I hate the fact that she seems to be everywhere lately and won't get the msg.
I told him to text her and tell her to go away and delete his number. I know i shouldn't have done that and now its getting to me that i made him do that and he didn't do it off his own back

6 months later and i don't know what to do. He might aswell have cheated i'm so hurt by the lies
What to do?

jesus_thats_gre

Woah, this is far too close to home for my liking - even the conclusions you have reached are identical to a similar situation that I was in.

The girl couldn't have been further from the truth and was ultimately making up complete and utter nonsense - upsetting herself no end. My view on it at the time is that there something psychological going on there.

The way I see it is that he knows that you will over-react, whether he tells your or not. He thinks that deleting the email is just easier than dealing with your reaction. He isn't deleting it in order to mislead or betray you, he is deleting it to protect you, himself, your relationship and your kids from your reaction - effectively saving you from yourself.

That is how mind worked in the same situation - after being honest with her a few times and it blowing up in my face. Will never be honest in that situation again.

listermint

People dont jokingly say 'lets see who youve been texting' you obviously have some feelings of this in the back of your mind....


You need to sit down and have a chat with him on your concerns and why you are concerned and see what happens from there.

Chances are he is telling the truth but there might have been some chit chat after that. But nothing more. Dont immediately jump on the offensive it may be very well something less 'seedy' going on.

Dermo

carlows wrote: »

I am of the opinion that 'ex' girlfriends don't get it touch with ex boyfriends without an alteriative motive (just my opinion).)

I know I don't know the whole story and have no idea who the ex is or what she is like but this opinion always irritates me. Myself and a lot of my friends are still friends with our ex's.

Again, I stress, I don't fully know your situation so your opinion could be based on facts. Maybe your fiance is still in contact with his ex but he knows how you feel so he is trying to keep it from you. I hope that is the case and it all ends up fine.

BostonB

You can be friends sure. But secret texts and emails? I don't get that, not between engaged people. You can block people numbers and emails if you wish too.

mcmoustache

I'm on good terms with (most of) my exes as my girlfriend is with hers. Everyone has them and it's quite common for relationships to end amicably so it's no surprise that exes will often be in the picture.

On the other hand, the texting seems a bit dodgy. It depends on how often the texting is happening and the content. I wouldn't worry so much about the facebook thing because everyone is always friending everyone else but the texting just doesn't seem right.

The email story seems quite fishy too. He went to through a bit of effort deleting it. If you want to snoop more effectively, it might be worth setting up an email filter which forwards mail from the ex to you. I think you can do it with gmail and yahoo. That way, you'd at least know more about what is going on between them. You can also mark an email as unread after you read it with most web based email. That way, he wouldn't know that you read it.

Then again, if it's come to snooping on your partner, there are serious trust issues in the relationship. I'm not sure how you can get him to understand that all that contact is making you uncomfortable. I know that you've told him but it doesn't seem to have have changed his behaviour.

I wish I had better advice but I'm coming up empty.
Best of luck OP.

Ickle Magoo

Moved from tLL.

This is the home for all threads requiring advice on relationships. :cool:

LegacyUser

Why would he go out of his way to delete emails from his ex-gf. It doesn't make any sense, he should be able to be open and honest with you. He knows your feeling edgy about it so why doesn't he be honest and open about their relationship including emails and texts and show you them.. he would only hide something if there was something there he didn't want you to see.

I'd probe a little further.

Disrespectful behaviour if you ask me,especially if he has a family.

I am a friend

Op your actions to deliberately bait him were well out if order and open the top. Little do you know by cornering him like this, the more you are pushing him away.

If you don't trust him why are you having more kids with him - that's nuts!!! You were out if order and he hasn't, by all appearances, done anything wrong

BostonB

sunflower27 wrote: »

He is getting messages and emails off his ex and deleting them. Why? What's to hide if they are just 'hey, how you?'.

He deleted the text instead of showing the OP that it was nothing to worry about. Surely if your partner gets up and walks out you'd show the text to put her at ease - not delete it?

Same again re the email.

+1.

I would question his priorities. Perhaps its all innocent, if it is, then he needs to cop on, and stop acting like a teenager.

I am a friend

So why is she snooping and baiting him??? She snooped before she found anything and in reality she found nothing - that mail could have been as simple as a joke but he knew if she snooped again she would flip.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

She asked who the text was from? A fairly normal question in relationships.

He deleted it.

She was suspicious - don't blame her - and looked at the email. She didn't open it and read it. He obviously was paranoid for some reason and went and deleted it.

I think you are being harsh. We are talking about a young woman, young baby, one on the way and he is acting odd. I personally don't blame her given the dodgy text incident.

If it was entirely innocent, he only had to say 'hey babe, look at the message.... put your mind at ease'.

Agreed completely. Something about his behaviour does not add up.

And I'm with the OP on it not being okay for exes to be friends.

Unless there was never love there to begin with, someone will always harbour feelings. Someone will always have expectations and hopes. It is not fair to the new partner.

I am a friend

We going round in circles here and will never agree. it's no excuse her being pg, I am as well and it's doesn't give me the right to invade my oh's privacy

BostonB

I am a friend wrote: »

We going round in circles here and will never agree. it's no excuse her being pg, I am as well and it's doesn't give me the right to invade my oh's privacy

The idea of sharing your life, finances, children, but not your email and txts seems a little disjointed to me.

Its a bit daft to keep anything confidential, or private on something that's unsecured to begin with.

I am a friend

BostonB wrote: »

Its a bit daft to keep anything confidential, or private on something that's unsecured to begin with.

His email was not secure but she wentinto it, pretended she hadn't and then Asked for his password. Weiiiiiiird

BostonB

Telling stories out order, is probably best left to Tarantino.

LegacyUser

he deleted the alleged innocent texts, at which time you asked him to tell you if she got back in contact

she got back in contact, and not only did he not tell you, he deleted the evidence

not sure what else you need to know OP. i know that for me, my ability to trust him would be completely gone at this point.

alibaba12

Hi OP, I have had the same issues with my OH and his ex (his has tried to get back with him and is still chasing 4 years later). She just keeps trying to contact him. At first he would reply with something innocent and like I'm good how are you - just small talk but then would delete the texts and tell me after the fact. So I never felt I was hearing the whole truth.

I sat him down and explained how it made me feel and turned the tables. I said if it was my ex would he like me doing the same (albeit innocent). He replied no of course not it would drive me nuts. Thats was the turning point. As we had trouble with her in the past he said he would have no more contact with her. She has tried call him, text him and add him as a friend on FB. He has shown me all of this to put my mind at ease but just ignores her now and deletes the messages etc.

TBH I think you should have a talk with your OH explain how much it is hurting you and then see where you go from there OP. Best of luck

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

You're with this man five years. He has a child with you, and will soon have another.

Do you really think many women would want a man under those circumstances? He's not the same 'prospect' he was a few years ago when they were together...

And your man and his ex didn't break up last week. People do move on but they can also maintain a level of occasional friendship, not immediately after a break up, but after more than half a decade. It would be far weirder if they couldn't have the odd friendly exchange. It's when there is still passion and hurt that people can't be friendly. That's my take on it anyway.
Of course you don't like the texting on the sly. But how would you have reacted if he's told you they were in contact?
Have a good chat with him - he already knows you don't approve of the contact. So, you can either push your weight around and shut down contact again (while wondering if it's really stopped), or you can surprise him by telling him that he can do what he wants because you're ready to try trusting him.
Now which of those reactions do you think will make him love and respect you more?

Unfortunately, if someone is gonna cheat, they're gonna cheat and there is nothing you can do to stop it. We trust because we make a decision to trust, not because we've shut down another person's every opportunity. But at least, if he does cheat after you've made the decision to trust him - which probably is not what's going on her at all - he's cheating on a dignified self-confident woman, and not his jailer.
You can only control your actions, not his.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Wow, first of all big hug. You don't need this when you're 6 months pregnant:eek:, you're already vulnerable enough as it is. I agree that this is very suspect. He didn't tell you the ex had texted, he deleted the texts before he could show you they were innocent (surely he would have shown you them as proof if there was nothing to it). The fact you had problems with the ex before but he's willing to be in communication with her is a major red flag. Also blaming it on hormones is a low blow, this isn't hormones, this is common sense, he should have shown you the texts and emails but instead he deleted them. If you have access to his email account I would (and yeah I know you shouldn't blah blah blah) check the deleted folder, if he's deleted it from the deleted folder then that would be a huge flaming red flag. You know him best OP, is he the type of gob****e that would risk his kids, house and you for a bit of an illicit thrill??? If he's shown signs of it before then I would just get out of there. The fact is he doesn't have enough cop on to realise that ALL of his efforts should be aimed at making you feel as secure and safe in the run up to the birth. If you honestly feel that he's entertaining the ex, then I would go and stay with your mother for a while. You really don't need this turmoil in the run up the birth. Could you go stay with your mum? Maybe it would also be a wake up call to your bf that he needs to cop the **** on and not entertain the ex and tell he sisters to cop on also and delete her on FB. I know that's making alot of demands but honestly OP if I was in your position that's what I would do and I always try to give advise that I would follow myself.

The very best of luck OP.

I am a friend

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

Wow, first of all big hug. You don't need this when you're 6 months pregnant:eek:, you're already vulnerable enough as it is. I agree that this is very suspect. He didn't tell you the ex had texted, he deleted the texts before he could show you they were innocent (surely he would have shown you them as proof if there was nothing to it). The fact you had problems with the ex before but he's willing to be in communication with her is a major red flag. Also blaming it on hormones is a low blow, this isn't hormones, this is common sense, he should have shown you the texts and emails but instead he deleted them. If you have access to his email account I would (and yeah I know you shouldn't blah blah blah) check the deleted folder, if he's deleted it from the deleted folder then that would be a huge flaming red flag. You know him best OP, is he the type of gob****e that would risk his kids, house and you for a bit of an illicit thrill??? If he's shown signs of it before then I would just get out of there. The fact is he doesn't have enough cop on to realise that ALL of his efforts should be aimed at making you feel as secure and safe in the run up to the birth. If you honestly feel that he's entertaining the ex, then I would go and stay with your mother for a while. You really don't need this turmoil in the run up the birth. Could you go stay with your mum? Maybe it would also be a wake up call to your bf that he needs to cop the **** on and not entertain the ex and tell he sisters to cop on also and delete her on FB. I know that's making alot of demands but honestly OP if I was in your position that's what I would do and I always try to give advise that I would follow myself.

The very best of luck OP.

Oh for God sake - total scaremongering..... It sounds like he is not able to say boo to her or she will over react and note that this happened before she was pregnant. Why have 2 kids with a guy if you dont trust him? She wants him to dance to her tune and I suspect she is grabbing onto him so tight he cant breathe.. He has been hung, drawn and quartered before the crowd here and I suspect all he is doing is trying not to cause any more hassle...

Being pregnant is not an excuse to act up. How do you know she is vulnerable? Why do you assume every pregnant woman is over-run by her hormones? Thats very patronising to be honest.

gargleblaster

sunflower27 wrote: »

Oh and if he wanted to cause no more hassle - he only had to mention the email - AS HE PROMISED TO DO.

This is really the most telling part of all this for me.

I'll go way overboard and hypothesize that maybe the ex is having some kind of mental breakdown or something, some really personal problem that she's asking for his help with, so he was deleting the texts and email for that reason. Even giving that much benefit of the doubt, he said he'd tell the OP if she got back in contact and he didn't. He erased the evidence. That would be a major red flag for me tbh.

LegacyUser

OP, it sounds like the ex is way over the line here. She's getting her SISTERS of all people to be friends with your fiancé. It's time your fiancé told her where to go in no uncertain terms-he's been with you for five years, he's engaged and soon to be father to a second child. Now either his ex is a nutjob and can't take a quiet no for an answer, or your fiancé is unwittingly giving her the green light to text and email him.

I DO NOT THINK HE IS CHEATING WITH HER so take that idea out of your head, it's the last thing you need at the moment. I do think he's trying to protect you by deleting emails/texts, because he knows you're not happy about them. Unfortunately, it's not having the desired effect, but I wouldn't blame him for not doing the right thing. We all make mistakes, and your fiancé's mistake was to keep in contact with an ex who obviously still has feelings for him.

If I were you, I would lay it all out on the table. I would tell him I had seen (but not read) the email, and although you were hurt that he deleted the email without telling you about it, you can understand why he did it ie he was trying to protect you. Now comes the hard part, tell him that you want him to tell his ex in no uncertain terms to back off, block her on face book, block her emails etc. It sounds like your fiancé was just being polite with his ex, and now things have gotten out of hand. He now has no choice but to tell her very bluntly to f off. Should he make excuses about blocking his ex, then you will both need to have a very serious chat about your future.

Best of luck

lost815

I am a friend wrote: »

Being pregnant is not an excuse to act up. How do you know she is vulnerable? Why do you assume every pregnant woman is over-run by her hormones? Thats very patronising to be honest.

Oh for God's sake if it was the OP deleting emails and texts and not telling her other half about it then more than likely he would be furious with her too, men get extremely jealous about things like that, so do women but I think that men should ALWAYS be more considerate of a womans feelings when she is pregnant and if he's not then to be perfectly honest he is being a prick.

Noone is saying he should pander to her every wish but should he feed her insecurities (whether rational or irrational and related to pregancy hormones or not) then come on now of course he shouldn't.