First post! Something I wrote when I was 16. 'How good it feels to be let down'

SarahMs

I wrote this when I was 16 (date says 2005!) I don't actually remember writing this but it was nice to read back over it. This is just the first few pages. Please excuse and grammer mistakes!

It was one of those killer hangovers. The kind where to the innocent onlooker you are watching telly, but in reality you are staring straight through it and you have calculated if you can make it to the bathroom in time if you suddenly get the urge to throw up. You can.

‘Soup? Bread? Toast?’ you room mate hovers fearing you will keel over at any second. You grunt and shoo her away.

It had been my boyfriend’s 21st. nice family dinner…. And then yeah… Can’t remember much. Didn’t go home with him though. Rarely do. People think our relationship is just peachy. If only people knew the truth. Two people afraid of ‘real love/life/commitments’ but also terrified of being alone. So desperately cling to each other, yet keep each other at arms length. Finding comfort in sex. Common ground. Funny. Can’t ever imagine my life without him, but yet I can’t ever imagine him being in it forever. We don’t tell each other, what we get up. We live safe in the knowledge.

After three hours of grazing aimlessly, a shower seemed like a good idea. Swimsuit on. Mirror Covered. I let the residue of the previous night evaporate with the boiling clouds of steam.
I notice cuts and bruises dotting my thighs as I bent to get the shampoo. Bite marks and scratches.
Smacked myself in the head as the memories came back.
Guy at the bar. Asked him for a light. He asked me to dance. Kissing me toilets. Clothes frantically being pulled off. Taxi. Apartment. Copious amounts of body twisting.
I had woken up in a huge bed with a note ‘Had to go to work, stay here will be back at 3 x’ the clock flick 14:37. I stood up thought my head was going to fall off. Sat down felt around for my clothes. My head pounding so much I could barely see. Managed to leave just before 3. Taxi.

Pjs.Bed. Sleep off the memories.

In the middle of the night I feel someone crawl into bed beside me. Noah. The boyfriend. He held me close and ran his finger up my leg ‘Not tonight Noah’ I turned over and faced him, tears pricked my eyes ‘I can’t’ ‘It’s ok gorgeous, tea and cigarettes yeah?’

The nights we didn’t have sex, we pulled up the blinds, made a pot of tea and smoked the night away. Sometimes talking. Sometimes not. We watched the city through the double windows and felt on top of the world. We always sat the same way. Wearing nothing but underwear. Him behind me. My back resting against his muscular torso. Out feet intertwined. Tea went on the right. Ashtray on the left. Sometimes we fell asleep like that.
We both woke up horny.He complained about me being bony. I apologised. Said I would eat. Secretly relishing the fact; HE NOTICED!!! He had to go to work so I stayed in bed watching day time TV. The phone woke me up at four.
‘Please tell me you are ready?’ Anna sounded much to shrill.
‘What... why?’ I pulled the duvet over my head.
‘**** sake Murphy, the exhibition. You’re still in bed aren’t you?’ she was getting cross now
‘No I’m actually just up now, I’ll be ready in an hour’

Anna was my best friend since primary school. Her family were wealthy like mine, so it was a given we would become friends. Her mother a photographer, her father a solicitor. Recently divorced.
I got out of bed and trawled through the mountain of clothes on the bedroom floor.
Skinny jeans, white vest. Leather jacket. Leopard heel. I ruffled my hair. Done.

Anna arrived just as I lit up. ‘**** sake you could have made an effort, come here I’ll do your make up’ She grabbed me and shoved me on a stool. ‘I don’t see what the point is, it’s always the same boring La tad a people, I’m just going to get drunk like I always do’ ‘**** sake Murphy, Eat and Bresson will be there, you want to make an impression don’t you’ she yanked at my hair and shoved brushed in my face.
Bresson. The ‘next big thing’ in music. Their lead singer was Anna’s cousin. She was convinced I was going to fall head over heels in love with one of them. I puffed away as she made me look decent. ‘Anna? Can we have a drink before we go, just one….’ I went to reach for the bottle. ‘Your an Alco you know that’ She stood back to admire her work. ‘Alright we won’t then’ I stubbed my cigarette out in the over flowing ashtray. ‘That’s like the leaning of pizza’ she jabbed a finger at the sing. ‘Go on, get the Sambuca out’

Three shots later we were in a taxi to ‘The Exhibition’ her mother had three or four a year. Dull affairs. Lots of oohhinnng and ahhhhin. Lots of couples looking for that overly expensive shot that would complete their bedroom. The only reason we liked it was for the free stuff.

I was staring at a picture of a couple. Black and white. Sitting side by side on a bed. The bed messed up; like it’s been slept in. she is holding a cigarette in her right hand. Resting her chin on her knee and looking at him. A tear on her cheek. He’s holding her left hand. You can see scrape marks on the inside of his arm. He has a tattoo of a heart on his right ankle which is resting on her left foot. He was looking straight ahead.

I was trying to figure it out. I pulled hard on my cigarette.
‘I think it represents two people caught in an unexplainable relationship. Both scared, but so deeply in love at the same time. I think his tattoo represents their love. While the space between them represents their emotional turmoil. His far off gaze is the isolation they feel’

A voice beside me.

‘Maybe the bed symbolises the only time they are truly together.sex. When the world is shut off. His scrapes represent the pain of their association with eachother, but also of their passionate I want you right here right now side’

I mulled over his take on it.
‘Modern day star crossed lovers’


I turned around in search of an ashtray. They guy belonging to the voice was standing behind me. Appealing? Yes. A little taller then me, longish hair patched with blonde. Piercingly dark eyes. He had a bar in both sides of his lip. Naturally dark skin. In both ears were various piercings. Eyeing him up, I slowly walked to the ashtray. I could feel his gaze boring into my back. I knew he would follow. He was wearing faded jeans, flip flops and a white t-shirt. His bare arms covered with tattoos.

‘So you come here often?’ I asked coyly, looking at the picture again.
‘No, never to be honest’ He looked down at the ashtray. ‘I don’t smoke’
I tried not to laugh. ‘I was referring to the exhibitions’ I took a sip of my drink and let the vodka tingle on my tongue. ‘I know what you meant, I just wanted to see you smile’ Then I couldn’t help but smile.

‘Murphy you have met Hayden then’ Anna interrupted the strong eye to eye contact we had. ‘Murphy eh?’ He looked me over; I could the vodka tingle all over my body. ‘Anna where are the other lads?’ He snapped away suddenly and turned to her. ‘At the bar I think, your playing in an hour’ she flicked her hair at him. ‘Thanks doll’ He kissed her on the cheek and walked away. Not even a backwards glance.

‘Soooooooooooo what do you think?’ She asked as she took my arm and brought me towards the toilets. ‘Yeah there is a few nice ones’ I looked in the mirror. ‘Nooooooooo not of the pictures of Hayden. Isn’t he hot?’ She re adjusted her chicken fillets. ‘Who? O that guy? Yeah……. He was grand. Can we go yet?’ I was thinking about the bottle of wine in the fridge at home and getting in my pjs. ‘No after the band, you’re such a moan’ she went into a cubicle.


I sat down on a deserted sofa and lit up. He was back, sitting close to me. I could smell him. Delicious.
‘Stalking me now are you?’ I faced him. ‘Well they say every pretty girl needs suitor’ He has dimples!
‘Who ever told you that was a good line, was wrong’ I couldn’t not look. My eyes darting all over his body. ‘Say’s the pervert’ He nudged me.

My phone beeped. Dad. ‘I’m sorry I gotta get this’ I walked out into the cool air
‘Hi Dad, how are you?’ I was so happy to hear his voice. The usual reply ‘I’m fine babygirl, not sure about my bank balance though’
As usual, we small talked. School. Work. Noah. Anna. Eating. Then He dropped it. The bombshell. Him and His girlfriend were getting married. Of course I said how great it was and how happy I was for him. As soon as we hung up, I sat on the cold tiled steps. Fighting back the tears. I text Noah. Twenty minutes later we were naked.









After the deed I felt dirty. Spent. Used. Staring at the Ceiling. I put my arm up and just let it balance. *forgive sounds good, forget, I’m not sure I could, they say time heels everything, but I’m still waiting’

‘Baby go eat’ Noah stroked my arm... I decided to go so he would stop annoying me. A low calorie low carb bagel. Slither of butter. 2 slices of cheese. Pint of orange juice. 2 hours later I had finished. I stood naked in front of the mirror. Examinining every angle of my body, my concave stomach, a small bump where the food was swirling around. Religiously I measured every inch of flesh. 7st 2lb. All I had was a bagel the last 24 hours. I shoved everything off the shelves. Pounding my fists against the wall. Screaming profanities to myself. Noah came in and forced my arms down. ‘Baby, Baby come on listen to me’ He wiped my tears away. ‘Your stronger then this. I’m never gonna let you go’ He held me tight and close. We sat on the bathroom floor for the rest of the night folded in eachother.I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up he was still holding me tight as ever. He smiled at me. I could tell he had been crying as well. ‘I don’t want to go to school today’ I snuggled into his warm moist body. ‘Ok, I’ll call the school and work’ He stroked my hair. ‘Thanks’ and I felt the tears coming again. He carried me back to bed. I could hear him on the phone ‘Yeah, She is really not well…….. I know I’ll try……… No I’m going to stay with her……….Yes I’ll do that……… Thanks Mr. Shannon Bye’

Anna called in after school. She found me curled up on my bed drawing frantically. The room a smoke filled chamber. She sat down beside me. ‘Mental Health day’ ‘She picked up a few of the pages on scattered around. ‘Anna I don’t want to talk to about’ I didn’t make eye contact. I just stared at the stick people I’d drawn. They weren’t perfect yet.
‘Alright well just let me say a few things and then I’ll leave. She put a finger under my chin and brought my face up. She was staring directly at me. I dare not look away.
‘I think you need to cop on. Start living in the real world. I pity you know that? You’re living the dream. So many people would love to be you. You’re such a drama queen. Your so wrapped up in your sick little world you can’t see the people that love and care for you. You block out everyone. Open your eyes Murphy. Everyone goes through ****. Deal with it. Stop running away. I stared at her hard. ‘Get out’ I said through gritted teeth. She stood up made for the door and turned back ‘Get the **** out’ I threw my notebook at her. It clipped her on the leg and fell to the floor landing on a picture I had drawn a few months back. A mirror with a girl in the reflection but nobody standing in front of it. She picked it up and put it on the desk. ‘That’s only you if you make it be you’ She closed the door quietly behind her.

Another day wasted.