Unloving mother.

lost815

Hi everyone, looking for a bit of help here.

I've come to a point where I want to cut all ties with my mother, she was always very unloving towards me when I was a child and still now obviously.

She treats me like a leper, she will not indulge in any kind of conversation at all with me, she might talk about mundane topics that she brings up or the soaps etc but anything I bring up about my life, or what i'm doing or anything anything at all, things that normal people would talk about she just goes mute, I might get a grunt from her but that is all.

As I said I never got love from her, she never gave me a hug or a kiss or said she loved me or cared, she would help me out if I needed it though, like if I needed money or a lift or something.

I found out I had a half sister (on my dads side) a couple of years ago which my mother had always known about and I was basically told to just get over it, god forbid I might have feelings I want to discuss.

I lost it with her a couple of years ago on the phone and said how she had never said she loved me and her response was "oh well I never tell anyone I love them"

To be honest I find the way she ignores me when I try to start a conversation so draining that I just want to completely cut all ties with her. It's depressing.

I don't know if she knows there's anything wrong with her so she'd probably just think I was being dramatic, what is it exactly, does anyone know? Narcissm or something else?

I have 2 kids and although I do not want her to have anything to do with me I wouldn't stop her from seeing them, she does bring my son out who's 6 but she wouldn't hug him or tell him she loves him etc.

I have an 18 month old girl who she doesn't have much time for at all.

My son likes going over there now but I reckon in a year or 2 he'll be bored and won't want to spend time over there so although he has bonded with her now I don't think it will last.

I'd love to know what was wrong with her so that I could tell her I couldn't have a relationship with her anymore and tell her to look up whatever it was she had so she could see what she has done to me the way she's brought me up.

I suffered from massive social anxiety as a young teen and a few other associated things which I believe is as a result of how I was brought up.

Up until I had my own children I could not show affection or love to anyone, I dropped out of school because of my social anxiety, not that she thought that there was a reason behind it, as far as she was concerned it was just because I was 'out of control'

I don't really know what kind of advice i'm looking for here, obviously i'd like to know what it is exactly that she has but please don't lock this and say 'no looking for medical advice' because i'm also looking for people with similar experiences and maybe some advice on what people think I should do.

My mother will not change, I know that for a fact.

Ickle Magoo

We're not qualified to make a diagnose re your mother. There may be nothing wrong with her other than general disinterest in parenthood or resentment of parenthood leading to a general lack of affection. Unfortunately wanting kids is not a pre-requisite to having them.

If your mother is unable or unwilling to discuss the relationship you share then it might help you to discuss it with a third party so you can come to terms with the relationship you now have and have had in the past. How does your father feel about how your mother behaves?

lost815

sunflower27 wrote: »

There are so many examples like that, but I just wanted to highlight what I meant.

Thank you for sharing sunflower, it means a lot to have people who will listen and chat about it because my whole life i've never really talked about it with people.

My dad, although he and my mam are still together was always working when I was a child, I don't remember seeing him much then and he wouldn't be the most affectionate but he would show affection the odd time, to be honest I would rather he didn't, a whole childhood of no affection makes it hard to accept it from a relative. I always sensed he loved me though.

He has nothing to do with my half sister even though she would love to have a relationship with him, in fact although she had previously had contact with my dad, it was pretty much left up to me to tell her he didn't want anything to do with her.

sunflower27 wrote: »

Of course it has affected me and at a young age I actually cut him out of my life. I have never regretted it.

I'm glad to hear you've never regretted it, it feels like to me that in one way if she would even acknowledge how it's affected me then it would help but she never would, she just wants to carry on regardless, we go over there for christmas and I swear you can cut the atmosphere with a knife.
I hate going to their house or being near to her but feel like I have a duty to.

sunflower27 wrote: »

You say your mum says she has never told anyone she loves them. Is this true? Is she stand-offish with other people or just you?

She is stand offish, you can tell she doesn't like being around people, she would be a bit more loving to my brother, no hugs or anything but you can tell he's favoured, she talks to him like he's a baby.

sunflower27 wrote: »

Most likely she won't change. It is up to you to either accept her as she is or spend less time with her if it is upsetting you.

She does try in her own way to be nice sometimes but it's a odd way, for example when I was in labour with my first child she came in and handed me a new mobile phone, no asking me how I was or asking how I was feeling, just handed me the phone!! when the baby was born there was no "he's lovely" or "well done" or "you must be tired, get some well deserved rest".....like normal people would say.

sunflower27 wrote: »

I feel for you, but you can have loving relationships regardless and as a parent yourself, your little ones hopefully benefit from you knowing how important it is to show love and affection

Oh they do, believe me I tell my kids I love them a hundred times a day and kiss and cuddle them all the time.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

We're not qualified to make a diagnose re your mother. There may be nothing wrong with her other than general disinterest in parenthood or resentment of parenthood leading to a general lack of affection. Unfortunately wanting kids is not a pre-requisite to having them.

Thanks, the reason I thought that someone might have a name for it is because when I was young and I had social anxiety I never knew what it was but after I got diagnosed and looked it up I literally had ever single trait on the list. Same with a few other things. I could have practically diagnosed myself.

She's not ever going to go to a doctor or a councellor but I think it would be so so helpful to me if I had an idea what it was that was wrong!

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

How does your father feel about how your mother behaves?

I've never spoken to him about it, he is probably oblivious, he's very old fashioned. I think he probably thinks I had a great childhood

Ickle Magoo

lost815 wrote: »

She's not ever going to go to a doctor or a councellor but I think it would be so so helpful to me if I had an idea what it was that was wrong!

It sounds like you are looking for some syndrome to blame. I think it would be much healthier if you come to terms with your mother being the way she is than try to write off your hurt and frustrations as being a result of some condition that your mother has.

lost815 wrote: »

I've never spoken to him about it, he is probably oblivious, he's very old fashioned. I think he probably thinks I had a great childhood

Perhaps that's a good place to start? Tell him how you feel and ask about their life when they got pregnant with you. I'd still recommend you speak to someone about your feelings because if your mother won't talk to you and your father hasn't even noticed how little affection she shows you then it isn't a problem that's going to go away.

All the best you.

LegacyUser

Could have written this myself! My mother is the same might have told me she loved me a handful of times, a hug or any type of affection maybe the same a few times over the course of my life.

I would also love to put a name on the problem. She is an alcoholic. I don't know if her ways came before or with the drinking at this point. I now have little to no contact and prefer it this way.

I miss having a mother but not the person who is my mother.

lost815

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

It sounds like you are looking for some syndrome to blame. I think it would be much healthier if you come to terms with your mother being the way she is than try to write off your hurt and frustrations as being a result of some condition that your mother has.


Thanks for the advice and i'm not trying to put it down because believe me it very very much appreciated However I have more or less come to terms with it and I am just curious really because I actually do think more than likely it is because of a syndrome and personally I think it would be healthier for me to know what it was.....mainly because most of the bad things in my life have been definitely down to diagnosed disorders, those disorders also are widely believed to be caused by similar types of enviroments to the one i've grown up. I think it's 100% obvious by the way she is that she does have a disorder. hence my reason for wanting to know what it is.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Perhaps that's a good place to start? Tell him how you feel and ask about their life when they got pregnant with you. I'd still recommend you speak to someone about your feelings because if your mother won't talk to you and your father hasn't even noticed how little affection she shows you then it isn't a problem that's going to go away.



All the best you.

I can't talk to him about things like that unfortunately....because I never have before. I know the problem won't go away and that's why I want to cut ties with her because it's draining and after a lot of soul searching this year i've decided it's for the best.

Thanks

Ickle Magoo

lost815 wrote: »

I think it's 100% obvious by the way she is that she does have a disorder. hence my reason for wanting to know what it is.

I appreciate you don't want to divulge the details of your life here - and as I've said, we can't give a diagnosis based on your posts here. Perhaps you could run all the information and suspicions you have past your GP and ask their professional opinion on what's going on?

lost815 wrote: »

I can't talk to him about things like that unfortunately....because I never have before. I know the problem won't go away and that's why I want to cut ties with her because it's draining and after a lot of soul searching this year i've decided it's for the best.

Thanks

If your choice is talking like that for the first time with your dad or cutting your mother out of your life without even asking, what have you got to lose? It seems a shame to take such a drastic step without at least trying to open communication.

Anyway, I wish you all the best in whatever you decide - there doesn't seem to be any easy answers for you.

LegacyUser

OP, I have a very similar situation also with my mother.

Somewhere along the way she became an alcoholic. I don't know which came first.

She never once told me she loved me, told me I did great with school exams, college graduation, etc.

My dad died when I was in my teens and this pushed her over the age into a much nastier person than she was before, if that was even possible.

My brother on the other hand is doted on by her. She loves him, he can do no wrong. He gets affection.

I never got a single hug from her in my life and I'm ready to cut her out for good. I'm just not sure how to go about it. I've tried before but found it very hard. As terrible a mother as she was, there is something deep inside me that leads me back to her again.

lost815

couldhavwritten wrote: »

I would also love to put a name on the problem. She is an alcoholic. I don't know if her ways came before or with the drinking at this point. I now have little to no contact and prefer it this way.

I think putting a name to the problem would be very helpful and i'm glad you understand, I mean there are support groups for everything out there, families of narcissists or family members of people with passive aggression etc. and if you're anything like me they're are just some days where you'd like to vent (like today for me obviously )

I miss having a mother but not the person who is my mother.[/QUOTE]

I completely get this, I feel like she robbed me of the chance of having a mother who loved me. Sounds dramatic I know and 99% of the time i've dealt with it now but then she infuriates me by ignoring me and it brings it up again.

sunflower27 wrote: »

Lost815 - I have sent you a PM with some information that may be of interest

Thank you so much sunflower, I just noticed that now

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I appreciate you don't want to divulge the details of your life here - and as I've said, we can't give a diagnosis based on your posts here. Perhaps you could run all the information and suspicions you have past your GP and ask their professional opinion on what's going on?



If your choice is talking like that for the first time with your dad or cutting your mother out of your life without even asking, what have you got to lose? It seems a shame to take such a drastic step without at least trying to open communication.

Anyway, I wish you all the best in whatever you decide - there doesn't seem to be any easy answers for you.

Thanks Ickle Magoo, I might ask someone professional if they can kind of diagnose her, obviously without her getting the help herself and me not knowing what she is thinking then it won't be easy but I do think for myself it would be good to know. Thanks again for the best wishes

343434343434 wrote: »

OP, I have a very similar situation also with my mother.

Somewhere along the way she became an alcoholic. I don't know which came first.

She never once told me she loved me, told me I did great with school exams, college graduation, etc.

My dad died when I was in my teens and this pushed her over the age into a much nastier person than she was before, if that was even possible.

My brother on the other hand is doted on by her. She loves him, he can do no wrong. He gets affection.

My dad is 10 years older than my mother and I worry about him dying first, I think she'd be lonely in the house by herself and i'll end up with a big responsibilty to make sure she's not on her own. I think if she died first then he would be fine, he's sociable,has a lot of friends and get up and go, sounds like such a morbid thought but I do really worry about it.

The way she is with my brother worries me aswell because as I said she's a bit different with my brother and she's close to my son (without showing affection) but she does do activities etc. with him. My baby girl is only 1 but there's no bond there, she has no interest in her, it's hard to tell if my mother would be different with her when my little girl gets a bit older but it does make me wonder, is it a male/female thing?

343434343434 wrote: »

As terrible a mother as she was, there is something deep inside me that leads me back to her again.

This part of your post in particular grabbed me,

I live around 5 minutes away from her and as I've mentioned before I have kids but I have always felt like I would have had to stay near her. We had a great opportunity to move to Spain a few years ago but we stayed here and a big part of that was that I thought I couldn't really leave her here on her own (she does have my dad but they're not close and my brother lives a few hours away)
......anyway it always struck me as weird that my friends who were so close to their parents could move to Australia or somewhere and leave their parents behind feeling lonely but yet even though I get no love, affection or anything from her it was like I somehow felt more loyal and that I had a duty to stay.

Is it like that with you......do you feel more drawn back to her for her sake rather than for your own?

LegacyUser

I know someone who went through similar and it turned out the parent had Aspergers rather than was just cold. It wasn't detected until the grandchildren also were on the spectrum and then things fell into place.

(The parent was not in a million years aware how hurtful/destructive/odd their behaviour was)

It could well be she is just toxic/abusive/cold but there could be other reasons too. Just a suggestion.

Starokan

hi op, thats got to be hard and you have my sympathies, none of us like feel like we are being rejected by our parents in any way.

Its possible there is a condition your mother has or its possible its just her way, my guess is she does love you but is so blocked off from her emotions she just cannot express it. I think if she didn't love you she would not have constant contact with you or your kids.

This is just my opinion but i wouldn't cut her out if i were you, i think you may come to regret taking that course of action. I would go the opposite way and simply accept her for the way she is. Just because she doesn't tell you she loves you doesn't mean you cant tell her. I would try to lose the need for her to demonstrate her affection and just try and enjoy being with her when you are together, smile and be happy see if accepting her as she is can change how you feel overall.

It may do nothing but it might work you never know.

lost815

similar567 wrote: »

I know someone who went through similar and it turned out the parent had Aspergers rather than was just cold. It wasn't detected until the grandchildren also were on the spectrum and then things fell into place.

(The parent was not in a million years aware how hurtful/destructive/odd their behaviour was)

It could well be she is just toxic/abusive/cold but there could be other reasons too. Just a suggestion.

Hi Similar567, I've had a couple of mentions of Aspergers and initially when I read about it I was a bit unsure but then when I read about Aspergers parents or being the child of an Aspergers parent, it really seems highly likely to me that that could be it. I've had a very interesting day or 2 of reading now and i'm going to have a research it a bit more........................Thanks very much, very much appreciated.

Starokan wrote: »

Just because she doesn't tell you she loves you doesn't mean you cant tell her.

I simply couldn't tell her I loved her at this stage in my life, when i'm not even sure that I do and also it's very very hard having never been told by her myself, I don't think the words would come out if I tried.

Starokan wrote: »

I would try to lose the need for her to demonstrate her affection and just try and enjoy being with her when you are together, smile and be happy see if accepting her as she is can change how you feel overall.

I definitely have no need whatsoever for her to demonstrate affection, I would feel extremely uncomfortable if she did show me any, i've had years of nothingness emotionally from her so it would be completely alien for me and not in a good way.

The thing is I had accepted how she was, no emotions or love etc, I had dealt with it but then it's the fact that she will not even reply to a sentence or anything like that bugs me, I feel like i've cut her a lot of slack for basically denying me all the basic emotional support you have as a child/teenager and young adult so the least she could do is at least acknowledge that i've started a conversation with her, if even that is too much to ask (which it appears to be) then I think what's the point in even bothering having a 'relationship' with her?

It makes me feel like i'm the one putting all the effort into a relationship I don't even want so why do I bother?

Thank you for your advice though!

Ken.

May i just say to the op,PLEASE don't go the complete opposite of your mother with your own children. Smothering your own children could lead to problems for you down the line with them.

lost815

lucyfur09 wrote: »

May i just say to the op,PLEASE don't go the complete opposite of your mother with your own children. Smothering your own children could lead to problems for you down the line with them.

They're definitely not smothered, we just have a normal loving healthy relationship. Luckily my partner had a great childhood and a wonderful family which makes it easier as they were great role models for him and i've learned an awful lot from his family about the way a real family should be!!