How do I know?

inexperienced

So, recently met a few guys from online dating site. One of them are quite interesting and I decided to focus more on him.

There is just a very minor thing but I would really like to know your advice.

He is not from Ireland and he comes here for a project. He is kinda working freelance and flies over the world to monitor different projects. He told me that the project in Ireland will last quite a few years.

I am being very cautious. I always am not sure whether he is a person I can trust. And he does not have facebook (he said he cancelled it long time ago) so I cant have a peek. The guys I previously met I would be able to check a little info. on the internet or I met their friends or I went to their living places and knew they are what they told me and are single and all that.

I told him once that I need to be very careful because I really dont know him well. I jokingly said that he may already have a wife back home. He laughed and said he wished to bring him home to see his parents.

We are just having some 'friendship dates' to see how things go at this stage.

How do I know he can be trusted and he is honest? He meets some of my friends (as he does not have friends here, so I introduced him some friends) and my friends said he seems to be an honest person. But who knows!

Sometimes I really want to have a look at his passport and all that to see whether he is what he tells me. Of course, never have done that.

Any advice welcome.

Maple

You don't know, you just have to take a leap of faith and give him the benefit of the doubt.

Just because you met him on the internet and he's not from your social circle doesn't mean that he's out to hoodwink you.

Give it some time, see how it goes, it could all turn out to be a dud but equally it could be something wonderful.

Sometimes we just have to trust.

inexperienced

sunflower27 wrote: »

All you can do is trust your gut instinct. I mean, what do you want to do - ring his parents to confirm he isn't married?

The problem is I dont really trust my gut instinct. :eek:

If i can I really would want to ring his parents.

Yea, i know what you mean, I would take it slow.

One thing I am not too comfortable with is that he comes on a bit strong, he would jokingly say that he wants to marry me. and he always says he really like me a lot. he is very expressive. he once texted me morning, afternoon and evening nearly every day. I think it's because of his family background (an American but a Spanish and Italian mixed) and also he's new to Ireland and does not have many friends. I told him a few times that I needed more space and I wanted to take it slow, be friends and see how things go, 'cos lots of things happening on my side. So now he is back off a bit which is quite nice.

anyway, will see.

inexperienced

Maple wrote: »

You don't know, you just have to take a leap of faith and give him the benefit of the doubt.

Just because you met him on the internet and he's not from your social circle doesn't mean that he's out to hoodwink you.

Give it some time, see how it goes, it could all turn out to be a dud but equally it could be something wonderful.

Sometimes we just have to trust.

tks!

Maple

inexperienced wrote: »

One thing I am not too comfortable with is that he comes on a bit strong, he would jokingly say that he wants to marry me. and he always says he really like me a lot. he is very expressive. he once texted me morning, afternoon and evening nearly every day. I think it's because of his family background (an American but a Spanish and Italian mixed) and also he's new to Ireland and does not have many friends. I told him a few times that I needed more space and I wanted to take it slow, be friends and see how things go, 'cos lots of things happening on my side. So now he is back off a bit which is quite nice.

anyway, will see.

I've lived in Italy and dated Italian men, I've found them very expressive and affectionate, personally I love it but yes, it can be offputting.

I do think the marriage thing is a bit off tho, but honestly, just give it some time.

inexperienced

Hey, guys, tks for your advice.

Let me tell you the end of the story and I need some advice too.

So, well, just this afternoon when I got more time in my hands, I had a deep google about him. Based on the email address he gave me when we first started dating, I did some googling. I was so busy and also his name is so common that I did not find anything. But today, these two days, I searched together with some other information he gave me in our conversations.

And, I found out a profile of him on a not very common social network web site with a photo of him and a beautiful woman and two lovely kids! One is just a baby! The profile was created May 2010.

He never told me he has kids (well, I asked and he told me no), not to mention wife.

Wow, horrible.

I really thank God that I have not invested too much into it. In fact, I was thinking if I cant trust him in two months, I would end it. But I just felt a bit pity if I end it out of my own insecurity as I really thought he's interesting and also we were connected and shared a lot in common.

Anyway, now, I am thinking how to let him know what I found and I really want to send his wife an email.

Yet, I dont think I can have any methods to contact his wife. I think the profile is opened by his wife. But I cant find the way to message in the social network site (Scribd).

Anyone know how I can send a message through Scribd? Or is it a good idea? I just am thinking if I was the wife, I would like to know. I am doing this not out of any revenge.

And I am thinking if I can't send his wife a message, I will send him an email to tell him what I found out and basically just give him a lecture.

But is there any point to do this? Or I talk on phone with him and cut him out of my life?

Sonics2k

Find out for sure if he is still with his wife.
If the profile was made over a year ago it is possible they are separated.

As a separated father myself I will admit I do not out-right tell women I meet I have children, but I am aware you have known this man for a while now and I would of expected him to tell you by now.

There may be other circumstances behind it though, possibly something he has a hard time talking about.

inexperienced

TKS, Sonics2k. But I sincerely recommend you to tell the truth if you are being asked. If you are not being asked, then maybe you can choose not to tell in the early days. But any forms of giving false information will seriously damage the trust in the relationship.

I asked him directly and he should had told me that time. He was bascially lying no matter what circumstances they are.

Oh, btw, yeah, I forgot to mention, he told me he did marry but his wife died in a car accident 10 years ago.

He is such a horrible man!

Kiera

How do you know its not his sister, cousin or friend?

inexperienced

Because the woman in the photo is another race!

No way she is / was (whatever) his family memebers!

Edit: Plus it's a professional photo protrait, people would not pay to have a family kind like photo with a friend I guess.

inexperienced

I really think there is no way he is not lying!

my questions now really are:

1. How do I let him know what I found? Or just blank him?

2. Is it good to send a message through the social network site (I dont know how though, any one knows?) to let his woman know?

WANTStoWORK

inexperienced wrote: »

I really think there is no way he is not lying!

my questions now really are:

1. How do I let him know what I found? Or just blank him?

2. Is it good to send a message through the social network site (I dont know how though, any one knows?) to let his woman know?

My advice is delete any source of contact that you have for him, e-mail / phone etc, just count your blessings you didnt meet up with him face to face, forget about him and in future stick to the home grown variety

johnr1

WANTStoWORK wrote: »

My advice is delete any source of contact that you have for him, e-mail / phone etc, just count your blessings you didnt meet up with him face to face, forget about him and in future stick to the home grown variety

I agree, don't try to contact his wife, - you wont be thanked for it, she may know what he's like already, and worse; what if he decides to have revenge on you for it ?

No point in giving him an earful, he'l only laugh at you, -think about it, if he's enough of a scumbag to do this to someone he is probably married to with children, your opinion of him wont matter a whit to him, all he'l do is move on. TBh its what he's going to do anyway whatever happens.
Furthermore, if you contact him, thats an opportunity for him to lie his way out of it, and if he's good enough, to string you along for another while before you catch him out, - after you've been hurt.

Where I disagree with WANTStoWORK is about the "home grown variety", Plenty of scumbags of both sexes locally, no more or less than anywhere.

inexperienced

thanks, guys.

I did meet him in person and we dated for about 1 month or two. But thankfully I hadnt fallen for him as I was very cautious.

I emailed him the link and just wrote a line to ask him to stop playing people's hearts although I doubted whether he takes it. I ignored his txts and I decided not to tell his wife, I dont know how to anyway.

inexperienced

just to add my final words here that i did have nice time with him and i enjoyed the dates. hopefully i would not lost my trust to man because of this nutter. i will be super cautious from now on, it may be good, it may be bad.

Distorted

It seems obvious, in retrospect, that your gut instinct was right all along. Unfortunately things like this seem to be becoming a cliche of internet dating, which is a shame for the genuine people that use it. If it were me in the same position, I would try to inform his wife - he is on a public site so has put the info shamelessly in the public domain after all. It might save her wasting years of her time on a cheater, equally it might save their marriage/relationship.