how should I feel?

thefeatheredcat

Back in 2000 I met a guy and I was seeing for a while until one night he was verbally abusive and date raped me, and refused to let me leave afterwards, trying to force me to stay in his flat by blocking the exit. I have only in the last year or so come to terms with it in dealing with the emotional side. I never called the Gardai, I was too terrified at the time.

Some months later, on Christmas Eve he made contact with me at my parent's house by checking up the number in the phone book, looking to meet up with me. I refused at the time and as a result he was verbally abusive and threatening over the phone, threatening to kill my family and burn down the family home. I lived in fear for many years (I was quite young btw, and previously gone through a lot of abuse with someone else before I had met him) while I lived away from home, paranoid he was going to track me down (as someone from my past had done before)

A couple of years later, I ran into him one day, as we passed on the street. I confronted him about what had happened. He laughed at me and laughed at what happened. I have not had any contact since and tried to bury and get over what happened.

This evening, for some reason (it would have been around this time of year we met) I looked up this person's name and found that they died in 2010. I found a photo from a memorial in a paper from their town and it is the same person, the right age and birth year.

I'm 98% it's the same person. I'm not really sure how I should feel about knowing this. How am I supposed to feel? And how can I be sure for my own closure as there was limited details about it?

I've no one to talk to about this and it's weighing on my mind. I don't really know what I should be feeling so I'm a bit confused; part of me is relieved as though a justice for me personally has been done as I have held this as a secret shame for years, part of me is needs to verify it and another part isn't quite convinced on this at all.

any advice?

up for anything

It could be that it's that time you went to the Gardaí and made a statement about what happened to you. That way at least you might feel you taken charge of what happened to you and and they at least would have to find out then whether it is the same person and hopefully put your mind at rest.

lace

Hi OP! Sorry to hear such an awful thing happened to you!

I think the above poster is right, you should go to the Gardai and tell them about what happened. There may have been complaints made against him before and it could help you to identify that it was the same person.

I would also strongly recommend calling the rape crisis centre. They will be able to give you advice on how to identify the man but can also offer you someone to talk to in a safe and confidential setting. Talking to someone about what happened and the possibility that your attacker is now deceased might help you to figure out how you feel about it and get some closure. There's no set way you're supposed to feel and it might take you a while to realise how you really feel about this.

thefeatheredcat

Thank you both for replying. I have been hesitant to go to the Gardai in this light for opening a can of worms on a matter I have dealt with and have been healing from, I've re-lived it enough times already, although I will take that suggestion into consideration. It does finally feel like closure for me as I was thinking late last night this is a chance for me to let go of it for once and for all. I do think I need to talk to rape crisis though and I will be making contact with them on the emotional side.

Again, thank you