Worried about a friend

murphyzz

Hello all - I really need some help about a situation that has arisen with a close friend and any advice would be greatly appreciated...

He is a 26 year old straight guy, although he has never really been with a lot of women - I always thought this might be down to shyness/insecurity etc. A few friends and I would always joke that he might be gay because he had a tendency to be quite homophobic. A number of close friends have come out over the years and to some extent it was always somewhat expected - but this is one guy who I could never imagine to be anything other than straight.

Anyway, we've been sharing an apartment for the last 8 months or so. Recently, his laptop broke so he has been using mine. What he does not know is that I have spyware software installed which keeps a list of every webpage visited, even after the history has been cleared. It turns out that almost every chance he gets he has been looking at shemale/transvestite pornography. I'm a very open and liberal person, and have no problems with what anybody is in to, but what is most concerning for me is that he has left about 20 ads online, and has trawled hundreds of ads online to meet up with TVs for sex. He literally does this every single time he gets any free time to himself - and lately I have noticed he has seemingly been inventing excuses to get the place to himself. He has been doing this for at least the last 3 months.

I genuinely do not know how to approach this situation. I don't know whether this means he is gay, or whether he is actually straight and just looking to experiment. (I looked at some of the pornos he was looking at and all involved the guy being the 'bottom' with the TVs).

For this guy, I just don't believe coming out is an option in his head right now. He comes from an environment where I believe it would be just impossible for him to do so. He has worked in a pub for the last 4 years with a very 'macho' environment, I don't think his parents would react at all well to the news either. When I found out this info about him, the thing I was worried about most is that he might hurt himself if he knew I knew, which is obviously the last thing I want.

The question is - do we talk to him about this? I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be carrying around such a secret. I genuinely believe that his reaction if we brought it up to him (one other very close friend is aware of the situation) would be to get very angry, repeatedly deny everything, and then probably never talk to either of us again. As I said, maybe even hurt himself (that's my biggest concern in all this). Then again, maybe it would do him the world of good to get it all off his chest to 2 people who he can hopefully trust. What really is getting to me is that he is constantly lying to me. It's gotten to the stage where I can barely look him in the eye anymore.

Having done a bit of research, I think that he is actually gay, but he cannot come to terms with this and is using TVs to try and convince himself in his own head that he is straight.

I'm not sure what else, to say - and this really isn't my area of expertise(!) but and advice anybody can give me would really really be appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

Links234

well, to be honest, looking at trans* pornography doesn't make a person gay. I don't particularly like it, but there is a HUGE market for trans porn, and it's pretty much exclusively a straight male interest. there's something very exotic or taboo about *sigh*... "chicks with dicks"

it doesn't really mean anything that he's into that

yes, it could be a way of him exploring and coming to terms his sexuality, or it could just be that's what he likes.

* do you actually mean transvestite or transsexual? or are you mistaking the two?

murphyzz

Thanks for the reply. I'm not sure the exact terminology, but 'chicks with dicks' would be accurate description!!

To be honest its not the porn aspect that worries me, its the meeting up with strangers off the internet that is bothering me. He said he felt sick last night for instance, then posted an ad saying he was looking to hook up with a tgirl tonight, and that he was into 'sucking and ****ing'.

Can a straight guy honestly be into this?

Links234

murphyzz wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. I'm not sure the exact terminology, but 'chicks with dicks' would be accurate description!!

To be honest its not the porn aspect that worries me, its the meeting up with strangers off the internet that is bothering me. He said he felt sick last night for instance, then posted an ad saying he was looking to hook up with a tgirl tonight, and that he was into 'sucking and ****ing'.

Can a straight guy honestly be into this?

honestly, yes.

I agree with you that the meeting up for casual sex thing is kinda disturbing, but that's a separate issue to your friends sexuality, and it's really his choice to do that. do you know is he actually meeting people, or just posting ads?

murphyzz

I honestly don't know. I do know that he has left about 10-20 ads in the last 3 months, and that he has trawled through hundreds of them. He also keeps a secret email account and has a lot of correspondence with a lot of people from these websites.

Do you think we should talk to him about it. Again, really appreciate the advice

Links234

murphyzz wrote: »

I honestly don't know. I do know that he has left about 10-20 ads in the last 3 months, and that he has trawled through hundreds of them. He also keeps a secret email account and has a lot of correspondence with a lot of people from these websites.

Do you think we should talk to him about it. Again, really appreciate the advice

so all he's really doing is looking for someone? and you don't know if he's actually met anyone, but if he has, it hasn't impacted you? like, he hasn't invited people over who've done anything against you or anything? I don't really know what there is to talk about with him, and to tell the truth, unless he crosses a line where it impacts your life, is it really your business? I guess really, I'd just let him get on with it.

I suppose you could ask him yourself, what his fascination is with trans girls? but honestly, it's like very common for straight guys to be into trans girls, even if they do have certain fetishized ideas about us.

WonderWoman!

I don't know alot about Tv's or Transgender issues but I'll give you my best advice.


First off I'd be worried he's going online and meeting pure strangers for sex ,who knows whether he is protecting himself , or who knows whether he could and himself in danger

secondly I'd get someone he undoubtedly trusts to try and talk to him

Thats what I'd try to do anyway
I hope I've helped somewhat .

murphyzz

Fair enough, it certainly would be the easy option to just ignore it.

I'm just worried about what is going on in his own head, and I hate the fact that he has to constantly lie to my face.

murphyzz

WonderWoman! wrote: »

I don't know alot about Tv's or Transgender issues but I'll give you my best advice.


First off I'd be worried he's going online and meeting pure strangers for sex ,who knows whether he is protecting himself , or who knows whether he could and himself in danger

secondly I'd get someone he undoubtedly trusts to try and talk to him

Thats what I'd try to do anyway
I hope I've helped somewhat .

Thanks, you have helped.

I genuinely believe that just talking it over with him is the best way to go, I just have no idea how he will react!

WonderWoman!

murphyzz wrote: »

I genuinely believe that just talking it over with him is the best way to go, I just have no idea how he will react!

You never know , he just might surprise you

Chuchoter

I honestly don't think this has the slightest thing to do with you, and that you're trying to disguise your own discomfort with it with being worried about him. If he's bringing strangers to your house, then call him up on it, if not, leave it alone.

murphyzz

Chuchoter wrote: »

I honestly don't think this has the slightest thing to do with you, and that you're trying to disguise your own discomfort with it with being worried about him. If he's bringing strangers to your house, then call him up on it, if not, leave it alone.

Well actually it has everything to with me, since he's using my computer to trawl the internet looking for seedy sex. And it's not easy when one of your best friends lies to your face every day.

And you are right I am uncomfortable - mostly with the fear that I will come home one day to find him hanging from the ceiling, because he felt that he could not talk to anyone about it. Do you not understand that?

Links234

is there anything to indicate he might be suicidal, murphyzz?

murphyzz

Links234 wrote: »

is there anything to indicate he might be suicidal, murphyzz?

Honestly - no.

But knowing the guy as well as I do I can assure you that more than anything else in the world he would dread anybody finding out about this. I honestly have no idea how he would react to the fact that 2 of his closest friends know his 'secret'.

Personally, I would be happy enough to just ignore this whole situation. I'm just not sure this is the right thing to do. Obviously what I said above is an absolute worst-case-scenario. I just want the guy to be safe and happy. I have absolutely no problem with what he is in to - it's just the way he's going about it that concerns me. And it is so hard to know all this about a friend and not be able to talk about it - believe me this has become an obsession for him - I was out for 6 hours yesterday evening and he spent the entire time looking up this stuff.

stopusingoil2

My advice to you is to stop letting people use your laptop with spy-ware installed and then checking what they have been looking at online. It is a major violation of trust and you might as well be opening their mail and going through the messages on their phone. You would not be a friend of mine for long if I discovered your dirty little secret, that's for sure.

Conor30

murphyzz wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. I'm not sure the exact terminology, but 'chicks with dicks' would be accurate description!!

To be honest its not the porn aspect that worries me, its the meeting up with strangers off the internet that is bothering me. He said he felt sick last night for instance, then posted an ad saying he was looking to hook up with a tgirl tonight, and that he was into 'sucking and ****ing'.

Can a straight guy honestly be into this?

He has a cheek to be vehemently homophobic since he is having sex with trannies. He's not exactly a saint, is he.

Starokan

Id be inclined to leave this alone, its a pretty private area of his life your delving into. Perhaps he gets his kicks out of posting these ads and reading the replys. He may never act on it and sure even if he does its his business.

If i were you id say nothing and find a way of letting him know that you have installled spware "recently". I would find it both hurtful and invasive if i thought one of my friends was tracking my internet history.

If it turns out your friend is gay then he will come out when he is good and ready. Leave well enough alone till then

murphyzz

thanks for all the replys everyone, its been really helpful. its pretty clear that i need to forget about the whole thing and let him get on with his life.

thanks again.

foggy_lad

murphyzz wrote: »

thanks for all the replys everyone, its been really helpful. its pretty clear that i need to forget about the whole thing and let him get on with his life.

thanks again.

I know a few people who "get off" by sending emails/texts and online role-play etc, these people will probably never meet anyone and may not even be able to chat to guys or girls properly in a way that would lead to a relationship. but the whole thrill/danger of who they are communicating with and the explicit/illicit content is enough to keep them satisfied.

Links234

honestly, that's probably the best thing you can do. if he is gay, and is coming to terms with his sexuality, then he's gotta do that on his own, you can't force anyone to come out, you can only be there for them if they do. I know you're worried and want to talk to him about it, but if he's not gonna be willing to talk, then there's nothing to do.

Conor30

I guess he's homophobic but not transphobic!

Azure_sky

I read somewhere that transsexual porn gets more hits than straight porn. I wouldn't be surprised. I'll try to find the link.
My own opinion is that nobody is literally 100% straight or 100% gay. I think sexuality is a spectrum.

ongarboy

OP, I understand you are trying to look out for mate but he is an adult and is entitled to do what he wants. You are not his guardian or responsible for his actions and it is not your place to ask him about it or let him know you know what he does online . Also, I think it is inappropriate that you are spying on his net activity on a frequent basis. It is a violation of his privacy. It would be the same as opening his mail/listening into his phonecalls etc. He would not thank you if you brought up your "concerns" about his interests. If you feel you are facilitating it by allowing him access to your laptop, I suggest you install Net Nanny or one of those other features that block adult content so that he cannot avail of the particular sites you have concerns about.

Just build on your friendship by letting him know that you are always there for a chat, to share problems etc and maybe he will open up to you voluntarily but only if he wants to. You cannot confront him about it or force him to open up about it.

stargazer 68

I have read through all the answers etc and, while I agree with 'he is an adult and leave him to it', I think the OP has a right to be concerned too.

'He literally does this every single time he gets any free time to himself - and lately I have noticed he has seemingly been inventing excuses to get the place to himself. He has been doing this for at least the last 3 months'

They share an apartment and if this guy is trawling for hook ups who knows who he is bringing to the apartment? Maybe he has never brought any one there but you never know.

foggy_lad

Dovies wrote: »

'He literally does this every single time he gets any free time to himself - and lately I have noticed he has seemingly been inventing excuses to get the place to himself. He has been doing this for at least the last 3 months'

I had formed the opinion that this was the op's imagination at work as a result of their disgust/shock at what they had discovered rather than actual fact, who has trawled for any type of porn or had explicit chats online when there are other "housemates" around? we can all fit any story to a situation in the right context/circumstances.

floggg

Conor30 wrote: »

He has a cheek to be vehemently homophobic since he is having sex with trannies. He's not exactly a saint, is he.

In fairness the over he top homophobia is very often a defence mechanism, or reflects his own difficulties dealing with the situation. I know I often made mildly homophobic statements when in the closet, not because I hated gays but because I was struggling with it myself

df1985

if he is gay you need to let him come out in his own time-only one thing worse that coming out....being outed.

Maddylicious

What is a label and why do we feel the need to label people anyway?? gay, straight bi or whatever .. Who cares?? I honestly believe you've made the right decision not to bring this up. This is his own business. You may as well have read his diary. A lot of times people who are extremely homophobic do actually have gay tendencies themselves which they're having difficulty with. Having said that, he might not be into women, he might not be into men.. He might actually have a preference for transvestites .. That would mean that he wouldn't fall into the category of straight or gay., in fact he'd fall into a category for which society has no label. Perhaps that'd explain his difficulty with coming to terms with his sexuality because he doesn't know what it is. We seriously need to just let people do whatever they want to do as long as it's with consenting adults. Otherwise who cares??? Straight people don't have to come out as straight so why should anyone who's anything other than straight?people need to stop making assumptions that everyone is straight unless otherwise stated and also need to let go of this annoying tendency to label everyone according to their sexuality! Just let him be and keep what you know to yourself

Links234

Maddylicious wrote: »

in fact he'd fall into a category for which society has no label.

Actually, the term "trans-sensual" has been used to describe people who are primarily attracted to trans people.

Maddylicious

Links234 wrote: »

Actually, the term "trans-sensual" has been used to describe people who are primarily attracted to trans people.

Ok let me rephrase- a sexuality that mainstream Society has heard no label for

carrickmilo

I know its your laptop but it's still snooping.
How would you feel if he was steaming open your mail?

murphyzz

Hi all

I started this thread almost 2 years ago because I was worried about my friends behavior. I wanted to thank those of you who took the time to reply because thanks to you all, I had the courage bro confront him and in the time that has passed, not only has he come out to all his friends and family, but he met a lovely trans girl and they will be getting married in October. I could not have possibly had this conversation without the advice and support of everyone here, so thanks again!

-M

im invisible

stopusingoil2 wrote: »

My advice to you is to stop letting people use your laptop...

I was going to say the most shocking thing about this thread was that two people wanted the username stopusingoil, but i didnt see that comming

esposito

I'm so happy for your friend. Hope they have many years of happiness together

NuMarvel

murphyzz wrote: »

Hi all

I started this thread almost 2 years ago because I was worried about my friends behavior. I wanted to thank those of you who took the time to reply because thanks to you all, I had the courage bro confront him and in the time that has passed, not only has he come out to all his friends and family, but he met a lovely trans girl and they will be getting married in October. I could not have possibly had this conversation without the advice and support of everyone here, so thanks again!

-M

Well done for sticking by your friend and helping him accept who he is.