Stuck in a rut with ex

LegacyUser

Hi, I need serious advice as of right now I am tormented with an ongoing situation.

Long story short, I met a guy who I ended up falling very hard for, and he appeared to do the same at first. However he ended it a few months later with multiple problems in the way, ex gf, his own personal life and basically just being a bit of an asshole towards me. I was gutted as I really liked him but I moved on sort of.

A few months later he got back in tough, started it up again, but low and behold he didnt want a relationship again so I ended it, weeks later he appears back but wanted a friendship, I ended it again as it was tormenting me. Months later he appears back AGAIN. And we have a blazing row as I was sick of being hurt. and when I saw him in town one day he actually blanked me. Cut a few months later, and he contacts me once more. He wanted to put the past behind and be friends, I said I wasnt angry, but being freinds would take a long long time. He then wanted to meet up for drinks ect but I made excuses as Im just not ready, I really like this guy for some reason and the pain is too raw to be meeting up and going back to square one.

So this is my dilema, last time I ended it, he just either doesnt reply, or else comes back with saying Im ranting and that he only wants friendship. I truly dont want to fight with him, I hate it. But I have to stop this contact with him, because Im tortured, I have feelings for him and being in contact is too painful.

So I want to end it for good, and this means, that we are on good terms as in no bad feelings anymore, but that I can move on without him texting me, and us chatting and so forth. I need time to heal basically and let this feelings fade. So can I tell him this next time he decides to text me, or call for emotional chats as he always does. Can I just politely nip it in the bud and try to move on again. I was silly to agree to putting the past behind us, because even though I said the being friends issue would take along time, he didnt really pick up on the "dont contact me" part. Or am I being a b%%ch for doing this now. all advice appreciated. I will add, my friends depsise him, he has literarly left me reeling for over a year and a half, and not treated me well, at all. Why I have feelings I dont know.

LegacyUser

Youve figured it out yourself OP. You need to stop trying to be friends with him. Ive been in your shoes, where you are mad about someone that doesnt want a relationship but keeps coming back to wreck with your head anyway. I know its very hard to cut someone off that you like that much but the fact is he's not being respectful to your feelings and he doesnt actually want to be your friend or want whats best for you.

He wants you around to stroke his ego, to make him feel better about himself (Im such a good guy, Im being her friend, how big-hearted of me!) And to have someone to fall back on when he gets tired of being alone. This doesnt mean he'll ever want a relationship, he wont, but he'll test the waters every so often to see if you do and when he knows he can always go back to you he'll trot off again.

Cut him off OP. He blanks you on the street and is generally mean becasue it works to his advantage to do that. You feel bad and stick around for more of his crap. If you do eventually become friends it wont be because you neglected to look after your own needs in favour of his. Tell him your cutting contact, that you care for him but keeping in touch is making you miserable. Ask him to respect your wishes and say goodbye. If he tries to contacgt you after that you dont need to explain it to him again, he heard you the first time. He will respect you alot more in the long run if you stick to your guns and show that you are not willing to be messed around any longer.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

OP I think you've hit the nail on the head yourself. You know at this point what the best approach is for you.

All too often in these situations (I know full well myself being one of the culprits) you worry more about his reaction and what he's thinking than your own well being and self respect. I expect that the reason you keep going back is because you care for him and even though you're aware that he's treating you very badly - you'd rather keep things pleasant between you and reasonably nice on the off chance that down the line he'll come back declaring undying love. Sorry, maybe I'm looking to much of myself there but honestly I could have written that story myself.

Bottom line, don't worry about what he's thinking or how he's feeling or if he never ever wants to speak to you again after you tell him to essentially feck off and leave you alone. He's treated you terribly, he doesn't deserve to be part of your life and he's proved that time and time again by coming back and repeating history. You've proved it time and again that you are just not able for him so you can't have him in your life, to any extent.

In addition, I really don't want to be too harsh here and it may be upsetting but I wish someone had said this to me a long time ago: There's a serious lack of respect there on his part and because he has been allowed to basically flit in and flit out constantly for the last year and a half and treat you so badly. He doesn't respect you and probably won't ever enough to turn around and decide that he wants to pursue a serious relationship with you. So you really need to accept that and move on and find the guy whos going to be the one for you and stop risking missing him because this guy is stringing you along.

I really hope it works out for you, be strong, I totally know how you feel.

LegacyUser

Op here, Im actually at a loss for words here, he went away for the weekend so theres no way we could have hooked up at all. He texts me at 2am, sober as is texts were coherent telling me, weird that Im the only person he can think of to text at the time,

insult or compliment. kind of sounded like I was only one awake tbh!!!

then goes on saying he cant get out of his mind about a time when were intimate that he enjoyed but the words he used were a lot more graphic.

This kind of shocked me as he never did this before, ever since I wanted a proper relationship. no more talk of sexual stuff between us.

I was convinced it was one of his lads friends, but he kept saying it was him. And to be honest his phrases and wording did match up.

after I asked him why he couldnt stop thinking of it. He replied, because it was a great night ect, and unreal ect.

when I said. if this is a joke, please stop, you know my feelings and this is very disrespective of me and unfair.

he came back. Im not joking. Just saying how I feel.

I then replied. that if it was a joke and the lads were there, Id be really hurt and not forgive him.

no reply after that. and the next day when I texted to see if he got home ok, he didnt reply. and when he came on fb twice, he went off really qickly.

Needless to say Im hurting like crazy, I get he may be embarassed, but I only asked today if he got home safe, he could have replied at least and he shouldnt have texted me those things, its so unfair. I dont get this guy or why he did that. He was in another city, could have texted anyone, there was no chance of a hookup, why do that to me. sigh. Next time he text's if he does, I just wont reply anymore. Its becoming too painful at this stage