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Self indulgent rubbish but still would like advice

  • 09-08-2011 11:41pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Basically something struck me recently that im a little embarrassed by and would like some outside perspective

    My parents seperated when i was a kid and it was not amicable, in fact there were undercurrents of rage between them while they continued to pretend that they liked each other for mine and my brothers sake which was worse tbh. While my brother, who was older, found relief by just leaving the house constantly and living with friends, i was younger and had no options to leave if i wanted to. On top of that my reaction to the seperation was not anger or sadness, it was a constant beleaguered attempt to cheer my parents up, i was talking them through problems, listening to their snide comments and downright lies about the other person while i was only a kid and needless to say i grew up fast. Meanwhile i was completely uprooted from the only home i ever knew and moved across the city, a small distance in an adults mind but it essentially meant i completely lost touch with my childhood friends.

    My point is not to moan, i actually have very caring parents, i only wanted to highlight that while they are great parents, they also had moments of exceptional selfishness which leads me to my realisation. I went to see Super 8 tonight and noticed something ive noticed a few times in the past but never thought about. The film upset me. What i mean is the story didnt upset me but the fact that these kids (though fictional i fully realise) were enjoying their childhood, the protaganist had loyal friends and even a girlfriend, a settled life. It hit me like a ton of bricks in that cinema that my childhood ended at 7 years of age, i was surrounded by tension and drama, moved away from the only world i had ever known and have never really been fully happy since.

    Im an adult now, the door to a life like that is well and truly shut and im fully aware that this ranks stunningly low on a scale of importance compared to the real problems people have but i cant stop thinking about it, i watched that film with a feeling like mourning in the pit of my stomach. I can never have what those kids had in that film, i could never run out of the house and find solace with friends, i can never know what its like to have a childhood crush etc


    Apologies for the stream of consciousness rubbish here, i have spent longer deciding to submit this then i did typing. Alos apologies for this self indulgent whiney rant, i honestly didnt mean it to be, im generally alright about my formative years but just lately its become painfully apparent that i seem to have become an adult by bypassing all the other stages in ways.

    Anyways, any comments appreciated and apologies again.


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,091 ✭✭✭dearg lady


    I truly don't think you're being 'self indulgent' you missed out on what many people got to experience, and it's ok to feel sad about that. However, the important thing is not to miss out any more of your life by letting this take over.
    Have you ever spoken to a counsellor about the break up and what you had to go through? My mam used to confide in me about her problems with my dad and I found it very difficult, and didn't forgive her for that for a long time. It's not fair to put this stuff on a kid.

    I think you need to deal with what you're feeling, experience it, work through it, maybe with the help of a counsellor, and then you can put it behind you. You may have missed out on a lot, but there is still so much more to experience ahead of you. Best of luck :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 681 ✭✭✭Elle Collins


    I think you are blowing this out of proportion in your own mind to be honest OP, and I don't mean to be insensitive by saying that. I know adults who were raised by physically and sexually abusive parents. I know others who were raised by parents with severe addictions and mental health illnesses. Some were raised dealing with a number of the above issues combined and I can guarantee you they would give their eye teeth to have a history of childhood trauma that consisted of a break-up and a house move.

    If this is bothering you deeply I'd advise you by all means to go to counselling to sort it out so that you can get on with your life, but I also think it's important to keep a sense of perspective on this. Very few of us have had idyllic upbringings, and by no means would I say you've had what could be described as a 'lost childhood'.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 400 ✭✭lace


    Hi OP! :)

    First off - if you feel strongly about this then you have a right to feel disappointed/sad etc. and the personal issues forum is exactly the place to let your feelings out and talk about what's bothering you so there's no need to apologize for talking about airing your problems! :)

    I think Hollywood often makes us feel bad about our own lives. Hollywood childhoods are idyllic and magical, Hollywood romances are passionate and exciting, Hollywood sex is beautiful and moving and perfectly lit. These fantasies look wonderful on the big screen and do their job of capturing the imaginations of the audience but rarely play out in real-life. I'm afraid measuring your own life against Hollywood fiction will always leave you disappointed. Very few people experience the perfect childhoods and strong friendships we see in the movies.

    Your childhood, however, sounds as though it was difficult for you and is obviously causing you some distress now. Anything that's getting you down like this is an important issue (even if not in the grand scheme of things) in your life and you have a right (and a need) to confront and deal with these feelings and gain a little closure.

    I think the first step would be to talk to your parents. If you feel that they let you down as a child then let them know. Tell them how angry or upset or disappointed you are and how you feel it has impacted on you. You couldn't speak up for yourself as a child so do it now. Be prepared to listen to their explanations and try to understand how the situation played out for them. Perhaps talk with them openly about it and letting all your feelings out will help you to let go of the resentment you feel towards them (or, rather, their actions).

    If you still feel that these issues are affecting you then the next port of call would be to find a professional who can help you to talk through all your feelings and get some closure on the issue.

    You definitely need to find a way to put this behind you and stop letting it rule your outlook. Just because you lost out on some things during your childhood does not mean you can't have a fantastic future.

    What you need is (to quote the serenity prayer) :

    the serenity to accept the things you cannot change
    the courage to change the things you can
    and the wisdom to know the difference.

    You need to accept that you cannot change the past but realise that you can take control of your life and be sure that your childhood doesn't impact on your present or your future any longer.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 645 ✭✭✭chicken fingers


    Its sad but I think you might be exaggerating when you say that your childhood ended at age 7. About half of all marriages are not happy ones, with so many ending in divorce or separation.

    Child soldiers, child prostitutes, child slave labour, victims of clerical abuse, etc. Their childhoods ended at 7, perhaps.
    You just had spiteful parents that made your childhood a little difficult.

    You can't compare your life to what you see in a movie, its just not comparable because the Hollywood life does not exist.


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