The humiliation of rejection - and getting over it!?

LegacyUser

I am generally a very independent person. I'm really quite happy in my life, having finally got to that stage in your mid-twenties where you know that the friends you have now are the people you can trust. My career has potential and, after many years of struggling with some mental difficulties, I honestly feel happy in myself. This problem/woe might be a little pointless to many of you, but I suppose I am quite sensitive and would just like some opinions on what I've done and suggestions on what to do next.

I had a serious, quite stifling relationship when I was in my teens/early twenties but have been single for five years now. When that relationship ended, I went out and partied and had great fun, travelled a little on my own then started to focus on my career ambitions. It's really only in the past year that I've been open to meeting someone new, feeling that I'm in a good enough place to contribute something positive to someone's life and allow someone to contribute to mine.

I bumped into a nice guy from University who I kissed once a few years ago. We met recently again at a concert, he added me on facebook and we swapped numbers. Although we don't live in the same place, we went to a gig together, had some nice lunches and an infrequent email correspondence. At these meet-ups, I felt we had chemistry although nothing more happened. I occasionally lurk on these forums and took heart at the "girls should be more forward - ask him out" advice. So I asked him out for evening drinks (more date-like than lunch in the daytime) and to be honest although he said he would be delighted to meet up, he didn't react that way in person and kind of made me feel like I'd dragged him out. He was very unfriendly when he got to the bar and I was kind of insulted so I drank my wine quickly and chatted too much, for sure. Then I asked him if he'd like to come back to my friend's house to listen to music and he recoiled as if I'd asked him if he anted to have a bath in acid!

After the ill-fated date, he didn't text me or communicate anymore via facebook. I was very deflated and kind of humiliated. He doesn't even want to be friends, let alone anything else! This might sound like a very innocent problem, but has really affected my confidence. I don't claim to be a confident person, except when I've had a few glasses of vino! But I feel like I've really made such a fool out of myself with him. I bumped into him after night out at the weekend and just wanted the ground to swallow me up. I feel like I pursued things too much and I've come across as desperate!!

I can't shake the humiliated feeling I have. I would like to go out there and meet new people but I feel so stupid. I also feel that it's difficult to meet new people and get to know them in the post-University world. I am a social person and I have looked at dating websites but they're just not for me. I feel really redundant and useless. Humiliated at the show I've made of myself in regards to the previous guy and unable to know how to stop feeling this way.

So really, I guess these are kind of "newbie" questions but given that I've been out of the dating game for so long - how do I stop feeling so humiliated? Did I hound him?? And also, what is a good, positive way of meeting people in Ireland? How do I put myself out there? And how can I conduct myself in a way that won't make me feel like a total idiot/loser/desperado.

Miss Fluff

I just think you were incredibly unlucky and that he was incredibly rude. You evidently stepped right out of your comfort zone and rather than politely make it clear he just wants to be friends he behaved like a bit of a numpty really didn't he?

Easier said than done but I wouldn't dwell on this. The dating game is lots of fun but for the uninitiated it can be littered with confusion and headwrecks.

I'd give yourself a massive pat on the back for putting yourself out there and asking him out. You were just unlucky. That's not to say you'll be lucky the next time but you have to keep the faith and keep trying. You will meet someone but allowing one bad experience with a subwit to put you off would be a terrible old pity really.

ClimberC

That guy was just a douche. But look on the bright side, you know that things (on a date) wont get much worse than that. Put it down to experience.

In terms of the embarrassment, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. He acted like the prick so why should you feel bad? just let him see that your having fun and moved on :cool:

LegacyUser

Honestly OP, don't be so hard on yourself. I used to beat myself up so badly when a guy "rejected" me (and still do sometimes, it's a very difficult habit to get out of). But as my confidence has grown over the past few years (due to therapy and just growing older), I care less & less about what others think & I just put myself out there. It doesn't always work (i'm still single) but I'm proud of myself for being straightforward and going after what i want.

Fair play for you for putting yourself out there & making a move, you should feel good about yourself for being able to do so.

So it didn't work out this time but it doesn't mean that it won't work in the future. You went after something you wanted, he acted rudely and disrespectful. He wasn't the right guy for you. The right guy will love your confidence and will respect you.

His behaviour reflects what he is like as a person, not you. Please don't feel humiliated- be proud that you tried. You don't know how things work out unless you try. Treat yourself as you would your best friend- I'm sure you would tell her she has no need to feel humiliated!

Good luck in the future & keep putting yourself out there!

R.D. aka MR.D

Don't be so hard on yourself op.

You tried something and found that it doesn't work for you. Some people are able to handle that kind of rejection by brushing it of and moving on. I see plenty of girls throwing themselves at guys (you didn't even throw yourself!!!) and are rejected and get up and go on to the next guy.

But i would be like you op and beat myself up about it for ages if that happened to me. The best thing to do is to draw a line under it. Don't dwell on it other than as a lesson learned. The events you are reliving are just a censored version of what happened where you are putting bad emphasis on certain aspects.

So just move on. Any time it pops into your head just start to think about something else even something trivial.

py2006

I feel for ya!

As a man, I have had to put up with a similar predicament on more than a few occasions. It hurts but you have to move on.


Have to agree with the others! Don't be hard on yourself, it happens!

Colonel_McCoy

Think you could have dodged a bullet.

Everybody has been rejected in their life and we all have put ourselves out there and been in your shoes.

you should be glad you had the confidence to try and dont let it stop you from doing it again. If you dont shoot you wont score!

beks101

Hi OP, I think you'll actually surprise yourself at how quickly you move on from this. You've been through a hell of a lot worse than a bit of an attitude off a fecken eejit like this and it's blatantly obvious that that's all this is - it's absolutely and 100 percent not personal.

A guy who would have the gall to act like this is a certain type of person, and it won't take too long for the hurt of the rejection to pass and for your head to note that. Why didn't he just say 'no', if he really didn't want to be there? 'Thanks but no thanks'? Would you treat somebody who liked you like this? No. So like others have said, clock it down to experience and move on. It will be on of those 'worst dates you've ever had' that you laugh at in no time and I don't think you need to be told that you deserve twice the man that he is.

Distorted

That guy sounds quite weird and very rude. Is there maybe something you don't know about him? I'm not actually in favour of being too forward, as a female, (you can drop hints, eg I'd love to see x film/gig/go to x restaurant whatever instead of asking outright - I don't want a man who can't pick up on such broad hints anyway!). But in asking him out, you've weeded out someone who was clearly going to waste loads of your time raising your hopes falsely by doing half hearted flirting on FB anyway. Probably just to boost his own ego.

You need something to replace your university social circle. I take it your place of work doesn't organise big socials involving lots of other departments? Then I think the tried and tested sports or hobby group is the best. I know loads of people who have got together through my local running and triathlon clubs. They're pretty much known as dating agency!

Oh, and get angry at Mr. Rude. Don't let him make you feel bad. If he can be rude, so can you. Completely ignore him, or give him a tight half smile and then say you're busy and walk on if you meet him. Delete him from FB, and if he asks why, tell him its because you are weeding out your FB friends to close friends only that you want to remain in contact with.

The rudest guy I ever met was my one brief foray into online dating several years back. We arranged to meet up for a cycle ride, he stared at me oddly as if struck with horror, after 15 mins of very stilted conversation (and not just because of the cycling), we headed uphill. He disappeared up the hill, getting further and further ahead of me until he disappeared into the distance, never to be seen again. It was strange, because he wasn't the best looking guy and I'm not unpopular with guys I would say! I still find it a source for great amusement whenever I look back on that "date"!

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply to me, I really appreciate your perspectives! I'm so glad you all don't think I made a fool out of myself. It's so strange, I had never thought to consider him "weird", focusing more on viewing myself negatively than him. I will try to think about other things when the pangs of humiliation pop into my head. Focus on the fact I must have made a lucky escape.

fairplay&feelproud wrote:

Treat yourself as you would your best friend- I'm sure you would tell her she has no need to feel humiliated!

This is such good advice. I just thought about it for a while there and if my best friend had been treated like this, I would unequivocally know that she was far too good for someone like him. I will try and keep this to the fore of my mind. I am going to a big party this weekend so will try and keep my mind feeling positive and use the party as step one in getting my groove back

Distorted wrote: »

You need something to replace your university social circle. I take it your place of work doesn't organise big socials involving lots of other departments? Then I think the tried and tested sports or hobby group is the best. I know loads of people who have got together through my local running and triathlon clubs. They're pretty much known as dating agency!

Although I work for a large organisation, the job I do is very individual - I work on and approve grant applications as well as drawing up contracts. I have one main manager who is in his late 50s and although I've been there a year I haven't really made any friends at work. I am making a conscious effort to keep my work and personal life seperate at this point in time though. That sounds quite blinkered of me but it's the way I'd like to keep things at present. I am a member of my gym but am generally too engrossed in working out and enjoying the quiet relaxation of swimming to go out of my way to meet people in that respect, but I understand what you're saying. I should maybe try and keep my options open a bit more! I can't expect someone to come along through the precise social avenue I desire!

Oh, and get angry at Mr. Rude. Don't let him make you feel bad. If he can be rude, so can you. Completely ignore him, or give him a tight half smile and then say you're busy and walk on if you meet him. Delete him from FB, and if he asks why, tell him its because you are weeding out your FB friends to close friends only that you want to remain in contact with.

Distorted wrote:

Oh, and get angry at Mr. Rude. Don't let him make you feel bad. If he can be rude, so can you. Completely ignore him, or give him a tight half smile and then say you're busy and walk on if you meet him. Delete him from FB, and if he asks why, tell him its because you are weeding out your FB friends to close friends only that you want to remain in contact with.

I definitely agree that I should treat him coldly. When I bumped into him at the weekend, it was thankfully in a group of mutual friends. I stood one person apart from him and he didn't even say hi. He walked away to go to the shop before the group dispersed as well, so he didn't even say bye. I think that action was the catalyst to me writing this post because even though the date was unsuccessful, we had met for a gig and for some aimable lunches as well so it's not like he doesn't know me. And I wasn't that talkative/annoying on the date that he should just completely ignore me. Very hurtful. However, I don't want to delete him on FB just yet. I don't want it to look like he's annoyed me. I've hidden him from my Feeds so if I can just stop myself from checking his profile I should (hopefully) forget about the embarrassment!

beks101 wrote:

it's absolutely and 100 percent not personal.

Thanks for saying this by the way. I want to keep remembering this!

Squor

Hey OP, dont be hard on yourself, what you did took courage. You thought that there may be something there and you made an effort. Try not to feel humiliated because you made that effort. Take from this experience, that you got back out there, so thats prob the hardest part out of the way!!!!!