Read GF'S e-mail, found something interesting! What would u do

LegacyUser

Ya so she leaves the laptop around a lot right so I decided to have a sneaky look to see if nothing untoward is going on!! the email was left logged in.

You know how it is in the name of trust and all of this crap "don't be a nosey bugger and look at her e-mail" but this time I said I'd have a look.

Nothing major, facebook updates and all that.... And some fecker from south america she lived with for two months a few years back emailing her.

So I read through their e-mails. and he is like " we can meet XXX?" to which she replied I have a boyfriend now" Don't I feel so special at this point? but it gets better..

So after clearly stipulating that she has a boyfriend, my good friend in south america offers his windows IM messenger; at this point things have been discussed on windows and not through e-mail.

Next e-mail from her " oh, I went to London b4 and you didn't show" and flights would be pricey this time of year sad face. XXX"

She was in London a few back, but I think this meeting was b4 she met me! as it's been a few months since we started going out.

Now, she did mention this guy before, but not shes talking about going to south america 4 3 months next year, and she's very quiet about bringing up details, and obviously I can't just bring it up so what would u do?

tinkerbell

Huh? What are you talking about? What is the issue here? I really don't understand your post at all .... sorry.

Miss Fluff

Why are you creating an issue when there is none? (Bar you obviously not trusting her or respecting her privacy? )

She has an old flame in South America. Get over it.

LegacyUser

OP here, apologies my writing is a bit all over?

What I found out is that my gf is entertaining the prospect of meeting up with a guy from south america, that she had previously been with b4 she met me

During their dialogue she disclosed that she had a bf i.e. me.

However or seemingly after an IM chat she seemed to not dismiss the prospect of meeting him again as she said that flights are "expensive" this time of the year.

She also started adding "XX's" to her e-mails after (I presume) an IM chat, so basically she went from telling the guy "ya, nice to catch up, but I'm seeing someone" to "flights are expensive"

Then she starting talking about taking 3 months to go the South America next year (Were mature students) where she had met and stayed with this guy, a few years back.

So, I care about this girl, but this might drive me around the bend knowing that she can be as fickle as I dunno what!!!

Basically should I tell her to F' Off b4 it gets to heavy? I really don't want to, I have great craic with her, but after reading something like that I don't know!!

Miss Fluff

Oh ffs she is evidently fobbing the guy off, she's telling him flights are expensive and making vague sounds about going over there sometime when not actually meaning it. And her adding XXXs to her IMs obviously means she wants to start an affair doesn't it? Please for your own sake never go into a career in the secret service or private investigation because through your not very big or clever snooping you've put 2 and 2 together and come up with a prime number.

He's in South America, he contacted her, she said she has a boyfriend and she has fobbed him off. You know I'm not one to jump on the gratuitously moralistic bandwagon and say that snooping is so so terrible. It's not if you are convinced that a partner is cheating and a family hangs in the balance and a person is driven mad with paranoia and has well-founded suspicion. But to do it becuase you're sneaky and immature and going looking for stuff? Well....need I say more?

LegacyUser

Despite the fact that there is an horrible sense of internet forum knowitallism in your reply with that exaggerated scenario- I take solace in your point Ms.fluff.

Thanks for your perspective, honestly!

As regards my scenario I'll let us play out who we are and see where it goes, instead of creating apparent suspicions.

tinkerbell

^^ what Miss Fluff said.

Distorted

You really are making something out of nothing. Its a perfectly normal conversation with someone who has contacted her from afar and she is being polite to. She is then fobbing him off without even putting too much effort into it. "Flights are expensive" is simply a way of saying "You're irritating me now so theres no way your little plan of luring me to you is going to work".

Even if she went on a holiday to South America, it would be perfectly natural to meet up with old friends, for security. Do you really expect her to completely denounce the prospect of ever visiting South America and old friends?

But honestly, your girlfriend's comments are so appropriate, I'd be more worried for your overreaction in thinking they are not. How on earth can you? You need to chill (and stop reading other people's emails). Why are you so lacking in self confidence?

LegacyUser

id like to see if the people here saying "theres nothing to worry about etc etc etc" were in same situation, would they be still saying the same or that secure about things!

AnneElizabeth

I disagree with the above posters. That does sound really strange to me. Why would she keep up contact with an ex? Especially if she had a boyfriend. Clearly she knows that he's interested in her but she's continuing to chat to him and lead him on, even adding x's to her messages, and didn't use to send them..

I wouldn't consider the flights are expensive thing to be a way of blowing him off, they are expensive and if she really wasn't interested she wouldn't even be talking to him at all. That doesn't necessarily mean she's wants this guy but sounds like she's enjoying this male attention and making no effort to stop it.

Leitrim lass

If she is suddenly talking about going to South America for 3 months then I'd say that he has tickled her interest!
I too would be wondering if she is on the fickle side.

LegacyUser

I actually find her behaviour very odd.

As a girl, if I want to fob a guy off I don't go from e-mailing to starting chatting with them on IM. I'd do the opposite and downgrade the level of contact I have, replying less and less until I stop completely. I definitely wouldn't start adding XX to my replies if I hadn't done it all along, that just gives completely the wrong idea.

OP - beware. I'd be treading very carefully from now on.

musicinyou

AnneElizabeth wrote: »

I disagree with the above posters. That does sound really strange to me. Why would she keep up contact with an ex? Especially if she had a boyfriend. Clearly she knows that he's interested in her but she's continuing to chat to him and lead him on, even adding x's to her messages, and didn't use to send them..

I wouldn't consider the flights are expensive thing to be a way of blowing him off, they are expensive and if she really wasn't interested she wouldn't even be talking to him at all. That doesn't necessarily mean she's wants this guy but sounds like she's enjoying this male attention and making no effort to stop it.

I would have to disagree with that AnneElizabeth, look I think regardless of what she said in any of the conversation she frontally advised she has a boyfriend, that’s good to me I would be worried if she said she didn’t have one. I honestly think they had something between them at one point and at this moment in time friends is all they are!

Xxx, c’mon what’s that all about, people use kisses these days all the time just because its becoming a normal part of a conversation, some people throw them in to fill a message! My niece puts kisses on texts to me and what not so to does my sister, and all me chic pals even my gay friends, its all good, not as if there snippets of naked pics, ya dig

Dude, wouldn’t be worrying about this, and as far as reading mails go! Don’t do it! All of this could be harmless and you wound yourself up for nowt!

I am a friend

BunzNGunz wrote: »

Despite the fact that there is an horrible sense of internet forum knowitallism in your reply with that exaggerated scenario- I take solace in your point Ms.fluff.

Thanks for your perspective, honestly!

As regards my scenario I'll let us play out who we are and see where it goes, instead of creating apparent suspicions.

Why as for opinions if you dont want them.

Shame on you for invading her privacy and before you ask - nope I have never done it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I dont think she has been entirely appropriate, I think you are right to be cautious.

For the moment if I was you I would continue as normal and try just to have fun and see where it goes. I'm not sure how long you are going out but she could be lining up a safety net OR we read too much into it, it could be a number of things.
In short you wont know until later what way this will go.

Just be a good BF in the meantime,
if she starts going on about South America why not suggest you go too - then see what happens. If she acts odd go with your gut feeling.

Good luck

LegacyUser

BunzNGunz wrote: »

Ya so she leaves the laptop around a lot right so I decided to have a sneaky look to see if nothing untoward is going on!! the email was left logged in.

If you had a valid suspicion that she was up to something, then I agree to checking her email.
If you didn't have any suspicion that she was up to something, you have invaded her privacy and she deserves someone better.

iguana

Leitrim lass wrote: »

If she is suddenly talking about going to South America for 3 months then I'd say that he has tickled her interest!
I too would be wondering if she is on the fickle side.

Do you know how enormous South America is? Nearly 7 million square miles. Now if this guy lives in La Pampa and she is planning on visiting La Pampa you may have a point. (Though people innocently visit their exes all the time.) But being suspicious because she is planning a trip to an enormous continent that she has an ex on?

Wompa1

I'd be thinking the same as yourself OP. You know your g/f better than anybody on here, if you trust her you better let it go. If not then just walk away. I wish I just walked away when I had suspicions...I didn't spy on my ex but I had a hunch. Trust your gut

Mighty_Mouse

This is the exact reason you should never pry into your partners privacy.

You don't know exactly whats going on & you never will.
You can take a chance on wrecking the relationship by asking her.
Would you believe her if she told you it was bs?

What if she goes to London with mates in next 6 months, you going to follow her or spend the time freaking out trying to hack into every account known to her?

Even if she's flirting with this guy so what?
This is a person she had a close personal connection with some time ago.
Its part of her life & therefore her own personal private experience to manage how she sees fit.
She doesn't have to tell you anything about it & neither should she.
It might make you insecure & crazy..............or wait a minute.............you managed to do that to yourself!!

She's with you isn't she? She's told him straight up she has a bf?

I don't know what to tell you. It's possible completely innocent but how are you going to live with not knowing. You might have to ask her for peace of mind & possibly drive into the arms of the dude who respects her as a person & therefore her individual privacy.

lace

Hi OP!

If this is really bothering you and you think that it's something that might ruin your relationship in the long run then maybe it's just best to confront her about it. She will probably be annoyed that you read through her emails but she may also be able to explain what's going on and what her motives are. If she knows you're considering ending the relationship over this she may decide it's better to just come clean and tell you about the contact and the plans.

As for whether or not there actually is anything between her and this guy - it's impossible to tell. By telling him she has a boyfriend now she does seem to be fobbing him off but by considering going back there for 3 or 4 months (and not explaining her reasoning to you) it seems as though she may be going to meet him. Saying that - she may see it as just going to catch up with an old friend. Just because she was once romantically involved with him doesn't mean she wants to be again.

The only thing you can really do is talk to her about it. Be prepared for her to be very angry about you reading her emails and ask for the truth about why they're in contact and why she plans on travelling again.

Distorted

So a person's not allowed to think about visiting South America, or mull it over in conversation with a past acquaintance who happens to live there? I honestly don't see what concerns you can have over this extremely innocent conversation, when the first thing your girlfriend did was mention that she had a boyfriend! What exactly is the problem? That she has an independent life that doesn't involve you in every tiny aspect? That she wants to travel a bit?

The world is full of people travelling. Many of them will have partners. Your concerns strike me more as an attempt to control a situation in advance in case it happens, however that situation is a product of your own imagination. But honestly, snooping on your girlfriend's email like that is creepy.

You would not believe the amount of annoying blokes that contact a girl on FB. Or the truly cheesy lines they come out with. Your girlfriend seems to be guilty of nothing more than being a bit overly polite and innocent in her response and adding the kisses (some people do it to everyone on FB, it doesn't really mean that they want to kiss them!). I wouldn't call it flirting. If thats flirting, then there must be an awful lot of people who mistakenly think they're being flirted with when they aren't. What do you think she's going to do? Run off and live in South America with an ex, who is an ex, no doubt, for a reason?

She hasn't even decided to go to South America yet - don't jump the gun!

Leitrim lass

iguana wrote: »

Do you know how enormous South America is? Nearly 7 million square miles. Now if this guy lives in La Pampa and she is planning on visiting La Pampa you may have a point. (Though people innocently visit their exes all the time.) But being suspicious because she is planning a trip to an enormous continent that she has an ex on?

Yes, I do know how enormous South America is. I've been there!

But she is suddenly talking about going there since been in touch with the ex and been 'very quiet about giving details' according to the OP.
They are only going out a couple of months so maybe she is not quite committed to the OP yet.
Also, the important thing to me in this is the OPs gut feeling. He doesn't sound overly paranoid, it just doesn't sit right with him.

People are encouraged to go with their gut all the time on this forum!

LegacyUser

I suppose I should mention that the guy's partner found his e-mails and freaked out at him.

It was mentioned alright. This guy was defo pushing for a romantic visit, as she did actually mention this to me when we first started going out. And she was talking about going to Brazil for three months. Dude lives in Peru with partner and kid.

All I can say is I'm gonna leave it, let time do it's thing and if she is not so forthcoming about her plans in the future i'll take it as a sign to move on and be friends.

At the end of the day were both adults, and she can do what she wants, were not married!

It does feel slightly gut wrenching at the same time! Some things really aren't worth knowing.

Bloody gut feelings!!

I am a friend

BunzNGunz wrote: »

Some things really aren't worth knowing.

You dont actually know anything specific... Lesson of the week - stop snooping where your nose doesnt belong.

Distorted

BunzNGunz wrote: »

I suppose I should mention that the guy's partner found his e-mails and freaked out at him.

It was mentioned alright. This guy was defo pushing for a romantic visit, as she did actually mention this to me when we first started going out. And she was talking about going to Brazil for three months. Dude lives in Peru with partner and kid.

All I can say is I'm gonna leave it, let time do it's thing and if she is not so forthcoming about her plans in the future i'll take it as a sign to move on and be friends.

At the end of the day were both adults, and she can do what she wants, were not married!

It does feel slightly gut wrenching at the same time! Some things really aren't worth knowing.

Bloody gut feelings!!

To be honest though, if you dig as hard as you are doing, you are going to find almost anything suspicious.

I did not realise the rules on being someone's girlfriend were so strict. I don't think I'd have a boyfriend if my every move was to be so scrutinised and analysed for gut feeling. Because my gut feeling would be telling me to run for the hills before every aspect of my life came under another's control.

OP - can you not just get this in perspective. The guy is in Peru with his woman. Your girlfriend is in Ireland. Other human beings who knew each once are allowed to communicate in a friendly manner. She can't exactly chat to him when she meets him in the shop, therefore they chatted briefly about it on FB. Your girlfriend has a desire one day to visit South America, the same continent that he is on. Thats probably why she is chatting to him. Thats all that happened.

iguana

BunzNGunz wrote: »

And she was talking about going to Brazil for three months. Dude lives in Peru with partner and kid.

So if she was planning 3 months in Germany and had a French resident ex you'd be freaking out too?

LegacyUser

Nobody here is freaking out man. It is a legitimate concern if your just starting to have strong feelings for someone but question their actions.

I have done something unfortunate by having a sneaky look at her e-mails which has given me unwanted food for thought; and I don't think she is a duplicitous person necessarily.

If I invested more feelings about her I fear I'd only get my heart broken, and I don't want that!

I am going to drop it as an issue, and thank you all for adding your two cents.