Just a little something.

Jaafa

So I started writing this story. I don't know where it will lead. I suppose I hope I'll have a novel by the end of it but I'm in no rush and just doing it for the fun mainly. I'll post what I have so far in my next post. Please forgive any spelling and grammatical mistakes, it's a very rough first draft.

Also I will not tell you yet what the over all plot is I just want to hear your opinions on what I have so far and if that would compel you to read on.

Thanks and I look forward to any and all feedback.:)

Jaafa

One

The year is 2092. The place, Ireland. The small Dublin apartment was quiet. The late morning sun shone in through the gaps in the blinds. A thin figure emerged from underneath the fortress of sheets on the bed. He was always cold. He figure sat on the bed and scratched lazily at its stubbly beard. He rose and and stumbled towards the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, Killians face stared back. Brown eyes half closed. The black wraggly hair, beard and defined face were somewhat handsome in their own way. Killian considered the face for a moment, dismissed its worth and did his business.

He dressed himself in the usual jeans, shirt and coat. He picked up his wallet,made sure the white card was still there. As always,it was. He placed the wallet in his back pocket and stepped out of his apartment. Outside in the corridor he saw Mr.Gorman returning from the shops holding a news paper under his arm. He never understood why Mr.Gorman insisted on getting his news from this arcane source. Mr. Gorman gave Killian a disapproving look as he turned the key in his door. '****er' Killian thought. Mr.Gorman disappeared inside and Killan continued on past to the elevators.

Outside things were dreary. This part of Dublin hadn't changed much in the last 50 years. Left to rot like its inhabitants. Forgotten....no just ignored. Yet the signs of a better time were still clearly visible. LCD screens of all sizes were incorporated into every surface, walls, benches, buses, all advertising every product imaginable,except the one Killian needed. The raindrops streaked down they're smooth surface as the ads went on. The cars still showed the influence of the early 21st century. Curved and streamline but mostly old, the paint faded and all emitting unnatural noises when moving. Despite the predictions of 21st century media clothes in this time were not overthetop and outrageous. Quiet the opposite. Minimalism was the trend now. People sported overalls similar to a jumpsuit but more pleasing to look at. Of course all this was normal to Killian. He kept his head down mostly. He kept away from people and people kept away from him. That's how he wanted it.

Killian made his way to the corner cafe. A small shop, frequented by locals, none of whom really knew him. He ordered a double espresso and sandwich. He quickly finsihed them and ordered another double espresso. He was glad that he wasn't like the others yet. That he still enjoyed this. Just sitting and eating. How long could he keep it up? He didn't know. Maybe..he didn't want to know. Perhaps he was too far gone already. He shook these thoughts away finished his second espresso and left. It didn't really matter anymore. This was the life he had chosen.
It was around 1 when he reached the alley. He walked at a brisk pace. He made sure not to be seen entering the alley and turned the corner at the end before anyone else walked by. Not many would be there now, but he preferred to start early. Unlike the others he still needed to sleep at night.
A few more twists and turns and he reached his destination. The familiar graffiti covered steel door found at the bottom of some steps just underneath the concrete ground. He knocked twice,paused,knocked three more times. A small slit opened, a pair of dark brown eyes stared through but said nothing. Killian reached for his wallet and pulled out the white card. It had nothing but a magnetic strip and some numbers on it. No name. He pushed it through the slit. Something grabbed it and returned it momentary, then closed the slit. Several locks could be heard unlatching on the other side. The door swung open just enough for Killian to step inside. He wasted no time as the door closed immediately after him.

Happyzebra

Hi. Here is my opinion.... For what it's worth!

It starts off slow... I just didn't enjoy the first two paragraphs ... Found myself thinking 'whatever' some good descriptive phrases though e.g. The raindrops streaked down ... I liked the feel of that!

However... I really liked the last 2 paragraphs. The part about him not being like the others is very intriguing! Would have liked to have read more which i suppose is the mark of a good piece of writing. Would love to know whats behind the door!

Have just re-read it .... definitely liked it... Well done.

Jaafa

Thanks appreciate the input. I understand about the first two paragraphs. I was just trying to set the scene and introduce the main character. I don't know how i can make more interesting? Thanks again.

Carter P Fly

As an opening the second sentance, "The place, Ireland" didnt work for me at all. I'm not even sure if its just the way its punctuated but I didn't like the punctuation on "Forgotten....no just ignored" either.

A thin figure emerged from underneath the fortress of sheets on the bed. He was always cold.

This was a little confusing. I imagine the fortress to be lots of sheets so he'd be warm and then you say he's always cold, so is he cold in his fortress of sheets?


Really really minor points though. Was a good story and left me wanting to know what had actually happened to the people that that were so different to the main character.

Jaafa

Carter P Fly wrote: »

As an opening the second sentance, "The place, Ireland" didnt work for me at all. I'm not even sure if its just the way its punctuated but I didn't like the punctuation on "Forgotten....no just ignored" either.




This was a little confusing. I imagine the fortress to be lots of sheets so he'd be warm and then you say he's always cold, so is he cold in his fortress of sheets?


Really really minor points though. Was a good story and left me wanting to know what had actually happened to the people that that were so different to the main character.

Tbh I was thinking the same thing about those first two lines you mentioned there. The Ireland one is cheesy and unnecessary as I mention Dublin later.
The second one like you say just doesn't work really.

As for the third line. He was under a fortress of sheets because he was always cold. Maybe its not made clear enough?

I'll post another little bit in a while.

Edit: 1. I got rid of the Ireland line
2. I changed 'Forgotten...no just ignored' to, 'some would say they were forgotten, others say just ignored.

Better?

Jaafa

Next bit:

The man that had let Killian in sat back down down in his rusty chair. He was balding,chubby and clearly not a people person. Killian moved on. He walked through the bare metallic corridors. Weak lights partially illuminated the walls just enough for one to find his way. Killian didn’t need them though. He could walk these halls blindfolded now. Two turns right,one left, straight down and there he was. The site before him made him excited and anxious at the same time. Several people of all ages, men and women moved about in the fairly large room. Talking and drinking at the small bar. Some of them were clearly tired and downed energy drink after energy drink. About 20 people in total,but that was practically empty for this place. Music played,new aged beats with lyrics that lamented the past. There was a distinct lack of laughter. To an outsider the unsettling demeanor of these people would not be their greatest concern. No, the most mysterious part of this room was the pods at the back. Some 30 of them all in row. Egg shaped, glass covers and chrome from the sides down. Several lights flashed and blinked on the pods and on the consoles next to each one. The most disturbing part of these pods however was their contents. You see if you were to get close enough to look in side you would see something unexpected. People.