So confused! Advice greatly appreciated

LegacyUser

Hi all, long time lurker, relatively new poster but going unreg for this.
I'm with my other half 11 years next week but I'm just not into him anymore and if I'm totally honest, I havnt been for a few years at this stage. I care deeply and love him so much but I'm just not 'in' love with him anymore We've been together since we were both 17 so have literally grown up together, he's been there through some pretty tough times over the years and visa versa. I think its just presumed at this stage that we'll end up getting married etc.
I just can't continue to live a lie anymore, its not fair to either of us (and have watched what this sort of relationship has done to my folks, not pleasant) but I am at a loss as to how about ending it and moving on. The thought of being alone absolutely terrifys me, I have been part of a couple for the best part of my life, I don't even know what being on my own/single feels like anymore. I have also tried to end it a few times before and he has just fallen apart, I ended up feeling sorry for him and hanging on in the hopes that I would feel the way I did at the start again.
We have a mortgage so breaking all ties isn't an option and to be honest I would still like to remain friends if its not too hard for either of us. I'm just all over the place about it all. We're not in Ireland at the moment and havn't been for the last 3 yrs due to his line of work and the non existence of work for him back home which is making it even harder as neither of us have any family support apart from over the phone which in a situation like this, really isn't enough.
He really is a great guy, drinks a bit too much but hey I could probably live with that but we're just so different on every level, mentally, sexually and I just can't see myself married to him with children running around which is very much on his mind, we're both gonna be 30 in the next 2 yrs.
We've been together from such a young age and for such a long time I'm starting to question whether I'm thinking the grass is greener?! I'm just so confused. Anybody been in a similar situation that can give me some advice?
Thanks for listening

Wompa1

If you don't love him then that's that really.....He may not want it but there's no point in living a lie. It's probably not too healthy for him to stay in touch with you, I feel bad for him if he has to get through it on his own in a foreign country. When my last relationship ended I had to go to the UK for work for a week the day after....it was really tough. I was a fool and kept texting, said very hurtful things to her too so look out for that. In my case I got cheated on though so I don't feel much remorse for that.

I'd say just break up.

LegacyUser

Wow I could have written this myself down to the last detail. I was going to post the same problem but struggled to find the words.

I know how you feel OP.

anewme

Hi, I was in the exact same situation as you....together for 13 years from 17 to 30 during which time we outgrew each other totally. You are not the same person at 30 you are at 17. I knew for years I wanted to leave but we had the house, etc and to all looked like a great couple.

The situation got so difficult it got violent and I ended up walking out.

We were lucky in that the house we had had risen significantly in value,(Celtic Tiger times) so we were both left with a fair bit of equity(he kept the house)

I am gone 12 years now and don't regret it one bit, only that I was not strong enough to leave earlier and things might not have ended so badly.

Life is too short and if you know you really feel like this you have to leave.

Moon Indigo

If it would be at all possible for both of you to take a breath and maybe try get some space apart. I think this will allow you to think without the pressure of everything and hopefully stop you rushing into anything.
You have been together a long time and things do change but you must have something to be together so long. If you really feel that its just not for you think hard before you jump because as you said sometimes the grass does look greener.

Its only fair to be straight with him if you want to leave. Its really not fair on anyone to stay in a stale relationship. Its your life and his so the family with time will just have to get over it, they don't live it every day you do. If he falls apart unfortunetly thats just something you will probably have to face. The tears etc are going to happen so if you decide be strong and have good support around you and when the going gets tough remember back to why you felt this was the right decision.

As I have said I would take a breath and step back for a while before jumping then decide. Not meaning to sound hard but if its over its over and that person you do envisage kids etc with could be waiting for you and the same applies to him. Hope everything works out. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies. I have some serious thinking to do and a serious conversation to have I reckon. Thanks again.

LegacyUser

i just broke up with my girlfriend after 9 years, she always seemed unhappy no matter what i did for her, and it got me down really badly. i was very loyal and spoilt her. Her life became mine. we got engaged 2 years ago and were to get married next year, and our house is nearly completed. i broke it off because she got really friendly with a guy and replaced alot of things we used to do together with him, nothing happened between them i know for sure.

for years i felt about breaking it off but was afraid i would hurt her and wouldnt find anyone better than her. the end result was she was unhappy and never knew untill we broke up, she started meeting new people, becoming more social and doing things.

she seemed to have came out the better of this and im happy for her, i know i need to get my skates on an be who i want to be.

17 is a bad age to get into a long relationship, when you dont get time to experience new things and be yourself you will never know what you want from life. you get into a routine with the other person and dosent experience being yourself or being independent. in your 20's you need that space, even in your 30s.

take it as it is, you dont love them the same way as you do, mortage and all that will work out in the end, were there is a will theres a way, dont live the lie things will only get worse. tell him how you feel, take a break for awhile if needs be, but DONT continue on for peace sake, the pain is tough and im in that stage but i know i will come out the other end, stronger and better.

i seen in a few relationships, one were a woman stayed with her husband till the kids were all out of school and it turned nasty. she is lonely now but happy because of the relationship she was in.

the important thing in this is YOU, do what makes you feel right, not other people, after awhile they will move on

LegacyUser

Hi OP - going anon for this as it's a bit close to home...

I've experienced it from the other side. I was the guy she fell out of love with, except in my case it was after 20 years of marriage and I was in my late 40s. I was mad about her and utterly devastated when it happened. Still picking up the pieces 2 years on, but I'm still here and slowly geting used to being single again - and even enjoying it some of the time.

I think you have to do everything you can to make your relationship work, and that means sitting down and talking to each other and trying to find areas that you can work on to improve things. My ex just became more and more withdrawn and refused to talk. On the few occasions she did talk it was about the symptoms and not the root cause of the problems. When things finally broke down I felt like I'd been cheated on because I'd never had the opportunity to put things right. That sense of unfinished business made it really difficult to move on.

You talk about not being "in love" anymore. After 11 years, I wouldn't expect that, but for it be replaced by a caring companionship and being best friends coupled with some physical attraction.

I did the drinking thing too...subconsciously I think it was a way to shut out reality when things started to deteriorate, but the drinking then became part of the problem and a viscious circle started to develop. It's possible that the drinking may be a symptom of him being unhappy too.

I don't know if it's possible to remain friends - certainly not in the short to medium term. It's hard to be friends with someone that hurts you that much.

People probably change more between late teens and 30 than at any other time in their lives and it could be that you've just grown in different ways. I'd say you have to be honest with him and you have to talk and talk about it. If at that stage you have to split you've at least done everything you could to make it work.

Hope this helps in some way