Boyfriend's estranged father

LegacyUser

My boyfriend is originally from the USSR but when his parents divorced, he moved away with his mother when he was 6 years old. Although his father visited him twice in his new home country, because of financial issues and not being welcome by my boyfriend's mother, he ceased contact. When my boyfriend was 20 (2 years ago) he tried to make contact with him through email, wishing him happy birthday and asking him how his life was now and giving him an update on his half-sister. My boyfriend's mother sent him a recent picture of him, but the email conversation was awkward given the time that had elapsed during which there was no contact (his father re-married and divorced twice in the meantime, and had a daughter). My boyfriend's replies seemed very curt, almost to the point of being rude, which I really think has a lot to do with all the stories his mother has fed him throughout the years. His mother has re-married and divorced again since, and is extremely bitter about her ex-husbands.

My position is that I'm expecting and I really want to be able to at least tell this man that he will be a grandparent. He obviously wants to make some kind of contact with my boyfriend, but since he got the cold shoulder I really do think that he's afraid to make contact again. From what my boyfriend has told me of him, he's a simple man, and while my boyfriend is resentful of the lack of contact, he seems more sad than anything else of the sense of abandonment, since his father had to sign papers to allow him to leave the country and in exchange for this signature his mother had to leave behind a lot of her money. I have his father's email address, and although I don't speak Russian and he doesn't speak English, I really just want to send him some kind of 'update'- he doesn't even know his son is in a relationship. I've thought about going to my boyfriend about this, but there is so much awkwardness there, and I really don't want to upset him or bring up any painful memories. Even if I could send a picture of the baby in a few months and introduce myself (using a friend as a translator) and ask him to leave it at that to avoid upsetting my boyfriend... would it be wrong?

I am a friend

ShouldISendIt? wrote: »

My position is that I'm expecting and I really want to be able to at least tell this man that he will be a grandparent. would it be wrong?

NO way!!!! Its absolutely none of your business. I would go nuts if you did that to me. His family, his problem and do not interfere....

Distorted

I really wouldn't interfere. You haven't felt the hurt that your boyfriend obviously has. And if his father is such a "simple man" (whatever that means) it would be quite an achievement to have 3 ex wives...the thing about his mother having to leave a lot of her money behind to get him to sign a document is just vile. I wouldn't think you would have any appreciation of different cultures or what went on in his childhood, and many people who have not had idyllic childhoods cut off their parents. I don't think that anything would be gained by you making future contact, other than pain.

LegacyUser

By 'simple' I mean that his father isn't exactly the 'sharpest knife in the drawer' so to speak... But it's true, I guess there wouldn't be much to gain from it. I think I just feel sorry for the man, since I can't imagine what it must be like to have zero contact with someone so close (if only through blood relation)... But maybe I've just had different experiences, and have a different view of the role of a father in one's life
Thanks for the advice!

Morgase

Speaking as a person who has a rather fraught relationship with a family member, I have to say do not interfere. I know if my partner went behind my back in that manner it would affect whether I'd be able to trust him in the future.

You'd be better off discussing it with him, lay it all out on the table and see how he feels about it rather than going behind his back.

oh my god!! do not contact this man!!

its none of your business.
i dont have a great relationship with my father and i would expect any partner of mine to respect my feelings and decisions that I make regarding MY family.

your boyfriend is your concern, just be there for him, whatever he wants.

you may have a great relationship with your family, not everyone else does.

respect your boyfriends wishes, whatever they may be.