Stepchild worry

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I live with my soon to be husband and he has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We have her every second weekend and some days during the week. She is a lovely child and we get on very well. I like her a lot but the problem is I don't love her. I even feel guilty writing this.

My partner thought I would have settled into it a lot quicker and doesn't understand why I don't love her. I'm a very honest person so I can't lie. I'm good to the child and she really looks up to me and she has told me she loves me which makes me feel worse.

It's starting to cause problems between my partner and I. He can't understand why I don't love her and I don't know why he can't see it from my point of view. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say anything beyond I like her and am fond of her.

When I first met him he told me he had a daughter and I wasn't keen on getting involved for my own reasons but we had a connection so I couldn't walk away for that reason. To be honest I thought I'd settle into it a lot quicker too

Has anyone out there been in the same situation or understands what I'm going through? Is this something that could potentially ruin my relationship?

Thank you

Daisy M

It unlikely that you will ever love this little girl to the same extent that her parents will, but I think its a possibility that you do love her and just dont realise it. The love I have for my neices and nephews is completely different from the love I have for my children. I dont look at my neices and nephews and feel love as I do with my children yet I love them. How do I know I love them? Well when something bad happens them I feel very upset for them, if they achieve something I am proud and happy for them more so than for other children I am aquainted with. I know if something happened to their parents I would not hesitate to care for them and that I would love them as my own as I would be their main carer and would feel more attached to them and be aware that they were completely dependant on me.
If you were to find out you would never be able to see this little girl again would it affect you?

theboybrown

Yes.This is something that could potentially ruin your relationship. Your fiance appears to have co-custody of his daughter and one must assume that this situation will continue after you are married. His early revelation of his situation to you as a father, and his anxiety over your apparent lack of love for his daughter, suggest that he is looking for a partner who will accept a loving maternal role. When you were made aware of your fiance's situation you admit that you were hesitant to commit but you do not elaborate on the reasons why? Is the seed of your current anxiety contained in what you have left unsaid?

I have no answers for you but I have a few salient observations gained from experience. A situation such as this is not unmanageable. if you believe that your connection with your fiance is enough to form a long lasting relationship then you can make this work. However you need to buy into the situation. Accept the reality that you are sharing your fiance with another person. 'Love' for his daughter is not a pre-requisite for a good and stable relationship with your fiance or his daughter. A lack of animosity, and genuine co-respect is a more than adequate beginning. Affection and maybe love will follow. In fact the most difficult part of the scenario is acomplished allready; getting the girl to accept you into her and her fathers life. Do not under-estimate this point. However, you must bring your partner to understand that just because you are not gushing with love for his child yet, it does not mean that you cannot be a positive and influential role-model for his daughter. Assure him of your sincerity in wanting to make this work.

She is 11, and it's only a blink of an eye before she's off to college or is too cool to be hanging out with her dad. You may have a great relationship in store for you as she matures into a young adult and seeks you out as a friend and a confidante.

what can I say? forget about loving his daughter, It all boils down to whether you love this guy enough to make this work? After you choose and accept your path everything is easier.

chloek

alreadyinuse1 wrote: »

Hi all,

It's starting to cause problems between my partner and I. He can't understand why I don't love her and I don't know why he can't see it from my point of view. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say anything beyond I like her and am fond of her.

Thank you

This is his daughter, it is hard for him to understand why you cannot love her like he does. I think if you and him have children together you will not want to see her at all and maybe this is what he is thinking.

I am a separated mother myself and my children are the most important thing to me. I can imagine it would be hard if I fell for someone who did not like my children.

He loves you and wants you to love his daughter, is it really that difficult.

Honey-ec

chloek wrote: »

I think if you and him have children together you will not want to see her at all

That's an extremely big assumption to make.

chloek wrote: »

I can imagine it would be hard if I fell for someone who did not like my children.

She never said she didn't like his daughter. In fact, she explicitly said she likes the child a lot.

OP, you haven't said how long you've been with your partner, but regardless of the length of the relationship, I think it's a bit unreasonable for him to assume that you would automatically come to love his daughter. You seem to have an excellent relationship with her as it is; so I don't really see what his problem is, tbh. My brother is married to a woman who is not the mother of his children, and it actually really gets to me when she tries to mother his kids too much. His daughter already has a mother, he shouldn't need you to be another one. I think you're doing fine as is.

Ainekav

I totally agree with Honey-ec.

Why should you love this child? Is it not enough for both you and her father that you are extremely fond of her and get on well with her!? It's completely natural that you don't automatically love this child - she's not your daughter and you didn't raise her.

I wouldn't worry about her saying she loves you - it's quite possible that she does not understand yet the full meaning of what she is saying and is actually just very fond of you aswell.

I'm not sure why your partner is so worried that you don't love her - have you explained to him that if another child comes along, it won't change your relationship with her at all?

I think you are doing very well to get on so well with her!

Caros

I believe so long as you like this child and she likes you back you'll be fine. I do have an inkling what I'm talking about as my OH has 2 grown up kids, who were 20 and 23 when we met 2 1/2 years ago.
I don't think it's necessary or should be expected of you to "love" this child. She has a mother and a father who love her and you like her and don't mind you being part of your life, she's doing well!

trio

Personally I think that you've gotten yourself into a bit of a mess by your wording choice.

Because when someone is fond of someone they do love them. It's just a different type of love.

You seem to be of the opinion that unless you lay awake at night worrying about her, then it's not love. But I think you do love her. But it's more like an aunt, as others have said.

And that's fine - cos what else are you supposed to really be like, as a stepmum? What other relationship is one step removed from a mother?

But in refusing to use the word "love" you've naturally worried the hell out of him. I think that was a mistake. Your shortsightedness at the many ways love can manifest itself has caused the problems here.

dr gonzo

OP just in case you were looking for a different perspective, my mums partner has lived with us since i was 7 (im now 26), he has been in my life for that length of time and i have never said i loved him nor have i ever called him my stepdad, the reason being its a completely different relationship, he never wanted to be my dad because i have a dad i dont need a second one but we have a very good relationship because hes an important member of my life who stands by me 100% and proud of me im sure. Love is just not something thats ever come into play here.

My point is OP that you dont need to be a surrogate mother to your partners daughter, she has a mother but that in no way means you wont be an important part of her life should you decide to stay long term, its merely a different relationship, chalk and cheese but a step-parent (for want of a better term) can still be a very important role.

Dont force yourself to feel something because you think you should, you dont need to and it sounds like youre already moving along the path to being a wonderful influence and friend to that little girl.

Big Bag of Chips

You don't need to love her! You are fond of her, you like her you get on well with her.. but you don't need to love her like he does. Being honest, I think it is quite impossible to love someone else's child to the same extent they do.

At 11, she's probably girly and into "love". No offense to you, but she probably "loves" everyone. You, her mam, her dad, her aunts and uncles, her neighbours, her friend's mams etc.

Explain to you partner that he is looking for too much from you. And his expectations of your role are way too high. But also explain to him that you are mad about his daughter. That you would do anything for her, and always want her to be happy and healthy and will do all in your power to ensure that she is.

But she is not your child, and you cannot possible be expected to love her the same way he does.

jimmycrackcorm

Think of it this way: Were it his mother living with you instead of his daughter, do you imagine that you'd be expected to love her?