In two minds over girl

thefa

I'm in two minds over this girl I've started seeing recently(not quite a boyfriend/girlfriend sense but a date, few kisses, plenty of other encounters too) and need advice on what might be going through her mind! We text and fb chat quite a bit and she initiates it quite often also. A lot of flirting and ending every text with a cheesy x which reminds me of a previous girlfriend. However, most of the time when we meet up, we're around others and I seem to be the last person in the room she'll show an interest in or direct a chat at plus she tends to have (some flirty) chats with my mate and text him when shes coming to ours~this despite that he has shown no interest and actually helped me meet her the first time. I'm no expert but fairly poor body language too. Things had gone fine on the date though...

Is it a case of me just being a runner up prize of sorts to my mate or is it the way that she's just afraid of showing interest/affection in front of other at such an early stage or am i missing something obvious?

Thanks

I am a friend

How did the date end? Did either suggest doing it again?

thefa

No, neither of us suggested doing it again but it had ended very well i thought. Long chat back at her place, kiss goodnight and she was texting me by the time I was home. We met among friends since but a few days later I suggested doing something together after her work but she wasn't finished til late and she said she would she how she felt. She came over for a chat, mainly with the roomate, in the end despite being texting me all day. Pretty confused to be honest.

musicinyou

Hey dude,

As you said yourself its pretty early days, it could be that maybe she’s just not looking for anything too serious! Sounds like she likes you indeed, maybe as I friend I don’t know I feel the best thing you can do is play it cool and give a little space to this situation, mostly for you man cause your head sounds very wrecked, get yourself out for a few beers with the pals, have a laugh and banter!, give her a couple or a few days and see if she gets in touch with you!

try not to over think every situation, but most importantly you got to listen to what your gut is telling you, sometimes you can try and deny but the feeling in your stomach never lies! You’ve made your interest know to her, she’s aware of this!

Its Friday, get out there to the sunshine if your not working, make it count man,

Good luck

Distorted

thefa wrote: »

We text and fb chat quite a bit and she initiates it quite often also. A lot of flirting and ending every text with a cheesy

thefa wrote: »

However, most of the time when we meet up, we're around others

thefa wrote: »

Things had gone fine on the date though...

She probably is worried that you don't like her when she is showing all this interest in you. If your first date went fine, why don't you ask her out again on another date where the two of you can be alone together? ie take control of matters, rather than being a passive passenger. My guess is that she talks to your mate because the whole situation is making her feel shy and awkward and she is waiting for you to progress it.

blodvyn

Am I the only one that's thinking maybe shes befriending you to get closer to your mate.

It seems when your room-mate is around you end up playing 2nd fiddle.

It could also be that she thinks maybe you're not that into her and she doesn't want to get hurt, but it looks a little iffy to me.

blodvyn

Distorted wrote: »

She probably is worried that you don't like her when she is showing all this interest in you. If your first date went fine, why don't you ask her out again on another date where the two of you can be alone together? ie take control of matters, rather than being a passive passenger. My guess is that she talks to your mate because the whole situation is making her feel shy and awkward and she is waiting for you to progress it.

Flirty text messages and ignoring him over the mate is another thing.

Distorted

blodvyn wrote: »

Am I the only one that's thinking maybe shes befriending you to get closer to your mate.

It seems when your room-mate is around you end up playing 2nd fiddle.

It could also be that she thinks maybe you're not that into her and she doesn't want to get hurt, but it looks a little iffy to me.

But how hard is it to arrange a date where your room-mate isn't there, for goodness sake?

Maybe she's turning to the room-mate in desperation!

fghijkl

She probably is worried that you don't like her when she is showing all this interest in you. If your first date went fine, why don't you ask her out again on another date where the two of you can be alone together? ie take control of matters, rather than being a passive passenger. My guess is that she talks to your mate because the whole situation is making her feel shy and awkward and she is waiting for you to progress it.

+1

Op i know if i was her and you hadn't asked me out again after the first date but were responding to my texting/flirting i'd just take it as a hint that you just saw me as a friend.

We met among friends since but a few days later I suggested doing something together after her work but she wasn't finished til late and she said she would she how she felt. She came over for a chat, mainly with the roomate, in the end despite being texting me all day.

So you suggest doing something together after work, she makes the effort to pop over after even though she's probably wrecked tired (probably thinking yeyy he's finally asked me to meet him alone, maybe he does like me )....she gets there and...... your roommate is sitting there
If it were me i'd be definitely thinking we were just friends after that!

You’ve made your interest know to her, she’s aware of this!

No, no he hasn't! he asked her one date.....it went really well....and then he started treating her like a "mate", asking her over to hang out with him and his roommate

Is it a case of me just being a runner up prize of sorts to my mate or is it the way that she's just afraid of showing interest/affection in front of other at such an early stage or am i missing something obvious?

OP is your mate and your room mate the same person? Because if so, she may be starting to think that you might be trying to set her up with him (because you're not interested), seeing as he "happens" to be there every time you meet her.

OP if you like this girl, then treat her like a potential girlfriend, not like a friend.

thefa

fghijkl wrote: »

+1

Op i know if i was her and you hadn't asked me out again after the first date but were responding to my texting/flirting i'd just take it as a hint that you just saw me as a friend.


So you suggest doing something together after work, she makes the effort to pop over after even though she's probably wrecked tired (probably thinking yeyy he's finally asked me to meet him alone, maybe he does like me )....she gets there and...... your roommate is sitting there
If it were me i'd be definitely thinking we were just friends after that!


No, no he hasn't! he asked her one date.....it went really well....and then he started treating her like a "mate", asking her over to hang out with him and his roommate


OP is your mate and your room mate the same person? Because if so, she may be starting to think that you might be trying to set her up with him (because you're not interested), seeing as he "happens" to be there every time you meet her.

OP if you like this girl, then treat her like a potential girlfriend, not like a friend.

Thanks all for the feedback. This post probably raises the most things I should elaborate on.

The way I respond to her messages suggest that I like her I feel, I even explicitly built it into a playful text at one stage so I dont think she believes Ive got no interest in her.

It wasn't quite like that. Texting at different points of the day and then after work then, what are yous at now? She either sees the mate(yes also the room mate) being around as a bit of a safety net as he's a friend of hers anyways or else is interested in him.

Just to note, myself and the mate get on well like but are different characters. I'm more an an introvert while he's an extrovert as in is in his element with people to entertain and takes over conversations by nature.

Ok I was taking musicinyou's advice there and not going to leave it for the weekend but she already got in touch today and I said straight out that just the 2 of us should meet sometime next week and her reply was essentially ''we'll see'' which leaves more of a pessimistic than optimistic feeling with me. Hope ye understand why I'm so unsure!

I am a friend

thefa wrote: »

her reply was essentially ''we'll see''

Yep I understand why you have doubts now. I dont like her response and think its rude given you have been on a date. If it were me, I would let her off and dont try again to arrange a date. She seems a bit of a messer.

Distorted

thefa wrote: »

The way I respond to her messages suggest that I like her I feel, I even explicitly built it into a playful text at one stage

Oh wow. I bet that blew her away.

thefa wrote: »

so I dont think she believes Ive got no interest in her.

You don't think she believes you've got no interest in her? Why not take action and make sure? eg just phone her up and tell her you like her and you'd like to arrange a one on one date for the weekend doing something specific.

thefa wrote: »

It wasn't quite like that. Texting at different points of the day and then after work then, what are yous at now? She either sees the mate(yes also the room mate) being around as a bit of a safety net as he's a friend of hers anyways or else is interested in him.

She has probably put quite a lot of courage into texting you so much to show she's keen and is a bit hurt by your lack of interest, and isn't sure whether you like her, so talks to the mate as a safety barrier for fear of being given the brush off. She wouldn't be texting you so much if she didn't like you, but you don't sound as though you're responding. Even to me, you don't sound as though you like her that much - not enough to bother doing something about it, certainly.

thefa wrote: »

Just to note, myself and the mate get on well like but are different characters. I'm more an an introvert while he's an extrovert as in is in his element with people to entertain and takes over conversations by nature.

You do sound like an introvert, yes. You remind me once of a guy I really liked, I texted him loads, he replied but never suggested anything. Eventually I plucked up courage and texted him that I'd like to see a film. When I got there, his (male) friend from work was there too. The three of us sat together in the cinema. It was awful, I chatted to the mate to cover up my embarrassment and gave up on him after that.

thefa wrote: »

Ok I was taking musicinyou's advice there and not going to leave it for the weekend but she already got in touch today and I said straight out that just the 2 of us should meet sometime next week and her reply was essentially ''we'll see'' which leaves more of a pessimistic than optimistic feeling with me. Hope ye understand why I'm so unsure!

But all your'e saying is "meet sometime next week" - it sounds like the brush off. Theres a whole weekend to be filled before then. Its not what she's looking for, which is why you're getting a "we'll see" in response.

Overall, I think you're probably a bit too shy around this girls and you're on the verge of putting her right off. You seem to expect her to do all the running around and then when you vaguely suggest anything, you expect her to automatically know your intent. But I don't think you even know what you want from this yourself!

thefa

Distorted wrote: »

Oh wow. I bet that blew her away.



You don't think she believes you've got no interest in her? Why not take action and make sure? eg just phone her up and tell her you like her and you'd like to arrange a one on one date for the weekend doing something specific.



She has probably put quite a lot of courage into texting you so much to show she's keen and is a bit hurt by your lack of interest, and isn't sure whether you like her, so talks to the mate as a safety barrier for fear of being given the brush off. She wouldn't be texting you so much if she didn't like you, but you don't sound as though you're responding. Even to me, you don't sound as though you like her that much - not enough to bother doing something about it, certainly.



You do sound like an introvert, yes. You remind me once of a guy I really liked, I texted him loads, he replied but never suggested anything. Eventually I plucked up courage and texted him that I'd like to see a film. When I got there, his (male) friend from work was there too. The three of us sat together in the cinema. It was awful, I chatted to the mate to cover up my embarrassment and gave up on him after that.



But all your'e saying is "meet sometime next week" - it sounds like the brush off. Theres a whole weekend to be filled before then. Its not what she's looking for, which is why you're getting a "we'll see" in response.

Overall, I think you're probably a bit too shy around this girls and you're on the verge of putting her right off. You seem to expect her to do all the running around and then when you vaguely suggest anything, you expect her to automatically know your intent. But I don't think you even know what you want from this yourself!

You seem to be coming down on me a fairly harsh in my opinion but who knows, maybe thats just what I need!

Well I said just the two of us meet together sometime next week for a reason. Firstly, we're not in the same area this weekend. Secondly, she lets me know some of her plans and she's half thinking of having her own plans monday(weather dependent) so I obviously wont say monday so she has an instant excuse to say no. I've trainings other nights too to plan around or over. I appreciate that it was hazy but it was purely to gauge interest and show a desire to spend some time alone together and the response was hardly enthusiastic.

I haven't just rang her up and told her I like her because it's seems like an everything or nothing move. If shes any bit unsure(which i suppose can be expected) she might just be scared off, most likely for good.

Yes, I do respond and I'm not talking about one line responses an hour later. I'm supportive and give her plenty of compliments when texting so unless she thinks I do this to every girl that texts me, she should have an impression that I like her alright.

I actually do know what I want from this and wouldn't be putting in the effort I am(nor mind posting on here), if I wasn't into this girl.

I'm not like that guy at all really. Took her to the cinema and for something to eat myself after suggesting it myself.

Distorted

thefa wrote: »

You seem to be coming down on me a fairly harsh in my opinion but who knows, maybe thats just what I need!

Sorry OP, but your current strategy seemed to be getting no results!

I think you should ask her out on a proper date for next weekend then, whether or not you meet up midweek. Like for a meal or cinema or even during the day hillwalking or something. But something that is a proper date. And maybe even describe it as that to her when you text her. ie "How about the two of us go on a proper date and do x this weekend? When is the best time for you?"

Then if she does come back all vague or whatever, you will know where you stand. Hopefully though you will get a proper date out of it and move forwards a bit.

thefa wrote: »

I'm not like that guy at all really. Took her to the cinema and for something to eat myself after suggesting it myself.

I can't tell you how glad I am to hear that OP! You cannot imagine how awful it was sitting in the cinema between the guy I liked and his friend from work. The friend was really embarrassed too!

LegacyUser

girls don't want to come across as being 'fatal attraction' chasing the guy! Facebook messages and texting are casual and an easy way of communicating without making any commitment to being embarrassed.
Next time you're out instead of observing how she interacts with others walk over to her, buy her a drink and ask her out on a date. If you get 'we'll see' or she pulls back then it's game over and at least you no longer have to worry about her but I suspect she'll react positively because you'll be playing the role of the alpha male making a decision to grab the prettiest girl in the room (that's of course if you find her pretty, lol).

Mc Kenzie

Ugh, this sounds so waffely.

well see!!??..I hate that answer, what doesit mean? lol.

Id say she is interested, if she wasnt at all she woulda made that clear in the begining. Its pretty lousy if she uses you to get to your mate.

But i think she doesnt want to appear too keen yanno. Your the one that knowsthe situation best, but dont give up. it sounds like theres something there. Maybe do the same with her. see what happens.:)

Good luck with it

Amazotheamazing

Duder, there's a lot of truth in the saying "faint heart never won the fair lady".

Ask her out.

When she calls around again have it arranged for your mate to get a phonecall so he has to leave the room and then you chat to her. If he has no interest in her he should be fine with getting out of your way.

You're introverted so you might be reading too much into him being an extrovert, he's probably just making chat and she's responding.

It's easy to be confident on social media and via texts, time for you to step up and be confident when you meet her face to face.

thefa

Practically going out at this stage. Just needed me to stop playing it too cool when she was around and show more interest as ye suggested and be a lil patient for chances where jut the two of u could meet. Thanks