Commitment?

LegacyUser

Very confused....

Have been going out with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years.... Everything quite rosy on a day-to-day basis but I'm worried that he just isn't in this for the long haul, and I feel that I have made (and continue to make) sacrifices for him that he doesn't seem to realise, e.g. Turning down jobs because they are too far away from him etc.

Anyways, for about 18mths now he has made comments that he will propose and tbh, there have been moments when I actually thought he might! In February (6months ago), After a huge row when he basically said that he would have to wait another three months before proposing. It seems that any time we have a row, he was "on the verge" of doing so, but then I go and start a fight so he questions it all.... So in February he said quite simply that he would propose within three months, but here I am... No promise, working in a job in the middle of nowhere to be near him, feeling really isolated and stagnant both in ter,s of my work and personal life and I'm wondering why?
Surely he has huge doubts about us?

LegacyUser

So lets get this straight; you must be on your "best behavior"& not start any arguments/bring up the whole engagement issue, or else he gets cold feet& makes you jump through hoops for a while longer? Is he having a laugh?!
Seriously OP, he either wants to progress things or he doesn't- simple as. Petty squabbles over times/dates shouldn't be impacting on his decision.
I've been in this situation; it's fine to be asking your OH "where's this going?", not so fine to be in the position of it seeming like you're practically issuing an ultimatum. Bottom line is, if it gets to that stage, there's a problem. Someone shouldn't have to be browbeaten into proposing to you, however much you yourself want to be engaged to that person. It doesn't mean they DON'T love you, they just may not love you enough to want to commit to marrying you. One word of advice- advance your career; down the line when marriage/kids ect come into play, you'll be glad you did it when you were free of "ties". And in the shortterm(&hopefully longterm should you stay together) he'll have more respect for you.

gypsy_rose

OP, please, please don't be turning down good jobs because they are too far away from him, it really is a ridiculous thing to do. If he really loves you he isn't going to break up with you or not bother seeing you because you're further away, you need a good job like everyone does and he has to understand that.

He is being incredibly childish by trying to punish you for having a fight by postponing proposing, it is completely manipulative. If you love someone it doesn't matter if you just had a big fight with them, you might be mad with them but you love them all the same. I really think he is taking you for a ride here and playing you because he thinks you'll just take it.

If you're serious about marrying him sit down and talk to him about it properly and don't do this whole "waiting for the man to propose thing", why should he have all the say? And why should you be on tenderhooks waiting for him to do it? He either wants to marry you or he doesn't, that's it.

Don't sell yourself short.

gypsy_rose

And another thing, does he think when you get married you will never fight ever again? I'm sorry but reading your post has made me absolutely furious at the way he is treating you, it doesn't sound like he has much respect for you, and you need to stand up for yourself too I think.

Do you really want to marry this guy if this is how he treats you? He's trying to punish you for standing up to him and arguing as all couples do and to me it sounds like he's stringing you along

I am a friend

I am sorry but he sounds like he is kicking for touch. He is making up excuses / reasons not to propose. This tells me he doesnt actually want to propose. Why would you want someone to half heartedly ask you to marry them? Do you think a ring will change things? It wont.

LegacyUser

I know all this tbh, but it's like this one thing is completely separate from everything else in our relationship... Everything else genuinely is perfect but this keeps niggling away at me. And sure ya know I can't bring it up again because that would definitely postpone things!! I suppose I really don't think he's in it for the long haul.. we were out last weekend and someone asked us where we planned to be in 5 years and my boyfriend's answer was comletely work oriented and a complete shock to me. I was quite hurt that these people were finding out this info at the same time as me!

RadiantGirl

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056059941

Hi lucygoose

After reading your post, I felt like I was reading about myself. I have attached a link to posts I created as I need similiar advice.

Take a read through and though our situations are not identical, it may help you.

Can I ask how you and your OH are?

RG x

LegacyUser

Hi radiantgirl, had a quick read there and definitely spotting the similarities! although, the last time I asked "where is this going?" I was told I was free to walk away from it but just to bear in mind that he was "so close" to spending his whole life with me. He didn't get too upset.

I assume you meant how old are we? Well there's a fair age gap! I'm young enough to follow a few other dreams to be honest...

But like you, this evil teasing is the only flaw, and I seem to have separated those actions from him. Although, recently less so as I just don't feel like a prioirity in his life.

I am a friend, I don't particularly want to get engaged as such, I just want some commitment that I figure in his future, and I know that this would mean marriage to him.

gypsy_rose and kjljkl, it is manipulative There has been an ultimatum but here we are.

RadiantGirl

Hi lucygoose

I know how hard it is, you dont want to leave incase it all works out or things change etc, but then you know in your heart that you are not 100% happy and comfortable.

It took me 2 years of a 3.5 year relationship to realise that no matter how hard you try and no matter how much you hope things will change, if your OH doesnt want it to it wont happen. I waited and kept my feelings in about the future so as not to rock the boat and freak him out that the only person I was hurting at the end of the day was me because I was not being true to myself. He was happy living each day not having the pressure of having to think or make decisions.

You can try and put your feelings and thoughts to the back of your mind and continue on with the relationship, but they will come to the forefront at some point again and the elephant in the room will always be there.

Like you, I just wanted to know that we were on the same path and there was a future. I was not looking for times & dates of when we will get married/kids etc, just that someday it would happen. Again like you, im young enough to follow my dreams and opportunites and I wanted to do them before settling down. He just didnt know whether he wanted the same. I would get the "I see us growing old together, I just dont know about the rest", just trying to pacify me hoping that answer would do me for a little longer.

You can only make your decision on your own, when your ready.

I do not want to come across as harsh, but I see from your 1st post that he might be pacifying you aswell. Telling you what you want to hear to keep you happy, until the next time it is brought up.

You do not want him to propose because of an ultimatum, no girl wants that and a relationship shouldnt be based on them. You dont want to think on your wedding day if he is marrying you because of an ultimatum or because he really wants to.

I have learnt the hard way but I have also felt a huge weight has lifted. I do not have to worry any longer about not being able to speak about my feelings, wants and dreams.

Sorry for the long reply, your thread just really struck a cord with me.

Big Hugs xxx

LegacyUser

Thanks RadiantGirl

I think I know in my heart that there will always be an excuse (and I can spot them, e.g. his friends' marriage broke up recently, so i envisage that to be an excuse)... but this is honestly the best relationship that I have ever been in apart from the above.

Watch this space..

thanks for the advice/thoughts x

I am a friend

lucygoose wrote: »

Everything else genuinely is perfect

OP, its not... He is not being open with you, he is manipulating you and he is resigning you to the back seat in his life. Why are your wants not as important to him. This is a long way from perfect. It may be on the outside but you are not happy and you can / will waste 5 /10 years more waiting for this guy.

lucygoose wrote: »

I can't bring it up again because that would definitely postpone things!!

And you love him because?

And you want to marry him because???

lucygoose wrote: »

I suppose I really don't think he's in it for the long haul..

Your gut is right by the sounds of it.

lucygoose wrote: »

we were out last weekend and someone asked us where we planned to be in 5 years and my boyfriend's answer was comletely work oriented and a complete shock to me.

Nice treatment... Shame he didnt want to tell you first. :rolleyes:

lucygoose wrote: »

last time I asked "where is this going?" I was told I was free to walk away from it but just to bear in mind that he was "so close" to spending his whole life with me.

:eek::eek::eek:

So you are free to walk away but you chose not to??? This guy sounds liek a real charmer :rolleyes: . Pet my the sounds of it, you are there as long as you fit into his life as he wants you... Your wants dont come into it and as soon as you ask for anything he manipulates you by telling you he was about to propose until you messed it up. Can you see how messed up this is?

In fairness, you are also to blame cos you are lying down and letting him walk all over you (and qipe his feet as he does it)....

lucygoose wrote: »

this evil teasing is the only flaw

Is that not enough?

lucygoose wrote: »

I am a friend, I don't particularly want to get engaged as such, I just want some commitment that I figure in his future, and I know that this would mean marriage to him.

I dont know why you want to tie yourself to this guy? He is toxic - take it from someone with a (good) few years more under her belt than you. Life is hard enough as a couple without having to brow beat someone to commit to you... How long do you think it would last til he pulls the 'you made me get married' line when you step out of line again.

lucygoose wrote: »

There has been an ultimatum but here we are.

:mad: Why do you think so llittle of yourself that you need to give someone an ultimatum to be with you? have you thought about this?

I have made plenty of mistakes in my dating history but I have never begged / cajoled / bullied someone to be with me. Can you not see that if he gives in now (and you dont know it but you are so lucky he hasnt) that you are winning the battle but losing the war.

You want a life with someone? Then they should want a life with you just as much!!! You deserve more.

Distorted

I would concentrate on your career OP, since it seems to have a more stable long term future in it than your relationship.

If you want to be purely mercenary about it, you could do a little exercise where you compared the salary you would have got by moving away when you last had the opportunity, plus any promotions that might have come your way in the intervening time, and add it up. If its a big difference, you could actually say that he is costing you money. Plus, the more settled you get in one job/area, the harder it becomes to move.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

:mad: Why do you think so llittle of yourself that you need to give someone an ultimatum to be with you? have you thought about this?

QUOTE]

It was him who gave me an ultimatum..

Thanks for the comments, you just confirmed what I was thinking

I am a friend

[QUOTE=lucygoose;73659256

It was him who gave me an ultimatum..

Thanks for the comments, you just confirmed what I was thinking [/QUOTE]


Aw Im sorry, I mis read it.

Listen, I know I sound harsh but I would give my sister the same advice (if I had a sister ).

dixiefly

It really does seem as if he is playing with your emotions to be honest.

I have known of cases where one person is wondering about committment from the other side but, once it was brought up, the issue was resolved one way or the other very quickly.

You probably need to discuss this with him and at the same time tell him that you dont want to hear about what he might have done and how he might have proposed. Tell him that he knows you well enough and that this kicking for touch is so upsetting to you. Avoid it descending into a row and try and guage his real thoughts, feelings and plans.

The answer may not result in you breaking up but it may lead to you you looking out for new opportunities.