Should I leave him for good?

AnonAdvice

Hi there,

I'm new to all this but really need non biased advice please! I'm not sure where to start but really at my wits end now
My partner is 16 years older than me, is in his forties and divorced with children. We have been together for two years and I met the kids a year and a half ago. His youngest is great and we get on really well and do everything together however the three teenagers treat me with no respect at all. We moved in together in November and we have them out for dinner every week and the youngest stays with us two days a week. The day we have the family dinner I spend hours cooking, cleaning etc so everything will be nice for them but when they arrive they expect me to wait on them hand and foot and will not help out. Half the time they even walk out without saying thanks or goodbye!! this crushes me and I can't help but take it to heart the ex wife also takes every opportunity to hurt me like when the kids have any event whatever it may be I am not invited, I expected it at first but not two years down the line. I must also add that she finished their marraige seven years before I came along so I really don't understand all the animosity! I'm in my mid twenties and am feeling alot lately that this is all too much for me

I would so appreciate some input especially from anyone who's been in aa similar situation

Thanks in advance!!!

The___________

Is your partner worth all the added aggro that comes with this baggage from his previous marriage?

Only you can answer that question really...

KeithM89_old

Moved from After Hours. OP, this forum is better suited to your problem.

Senna

All i can say is not mater who the new woman is, the original family members will have a problem with them. So don't take it personal, you could be mother teresa herself and they will treat you like dirt.

AnneElizabeth

If you're asking this question you already know the answer.

I don't really know enough about your life to give a proper opinion but it sounds like you're unhappy. I think he's too old for you, you probably want to have kids of your own with someone your own age.

AnonAdvice

I moved out of our house almost two weeks ago and went to my mothers. He made very little effort at reconciling. I was distraught, couldn't sleep or eat and didn't leave the house. after staying away for a week I came back to try to sort things out. i've been here five days now and have been sleeping on the couch for three of those. He has made no effort at all and resents me for having a problem at all. He says he loves me but isn't showing it. I packed all my things today and when he came home from work he just said 'well if thats what you want'!!! He went to bed earlier(not Asleep) and is just sitting down there avoiding the situation and I'm questioning did he ever really love me? where's the passion? where's the fight?
Don't get me wrong i'm certainly no mother theresa but i treat him better than he's ever been treated before

Deise Musashi

Feck that!

My parents split and my Mother's new partner is a right laugh. We go out to theirs, meet them socially etc. It's grand. Some people need to grow up and be adults.

You can and will do better.

ManOfMystery

I wouldn't immediately say you should dump your partner and move on. Unfortunately when you start a relationship with someone who has kids and an ex-wife who's still on the scene, occasionally there is fallout from this and you have to accept that can - and will - happen.

You can't really have any say over how his ex-wife acts. If she wants to act bitchy around you, unfortunately that's her perogative. However, your partner should certainly be having words with his kids if they aren't showing you basic manners. Is he aware of how you feel? Has he spoken to them? What's his stance on all this?

If he doesn't seem interested in defending you, then that's something that you should question if considering the future of your relationship.

Uriel.

OP, responding to your second post here, rather than your first really.

To be honest, it is your second post that paints the bigger picture and bigger problem. You see, his family and his ex are baggage and an added complication to your relationship, but the issue, the problem, is actually really him.

You can expect a level of animosity (though immature) from the ex and the older kids, but it is how he deals with this that is the big factor. He clearly didn't sit them down and give them a talking to about how they treat you. Most likely, actually, the way they've treated you is a reflection of how HE treats you. If the kids and ex thought they could get away with it, then they behaved in such a manner. He should have been there ensuring you got the respect you deserve. He is their father, he should have been instilling some manners in them and making them give you a hand with cleaning up after dinner etc... He should also have been instilling some appreciation into them.

He should also have ensured that they ALL knew you were an important element in his life and that you were treated with respect and importance when it came to family events. This clearly wasn't the case and in reflection of your second post, I think it is clear he didn't regard you with the kind of importance, respect and love you deserve.

In that regard, keep your bags packed, move on and don't look back because you deserve a hell of a lot better than that. You are young, don't get tied down in a toxic situation like that.

Best of luck

You're only young, you've your whole life ahead of you, do you really think you need this hassle and upset? yes, you have invested a considerable amount of time in this relationship, but its not satisfactory to you and he seems to show a certain amount of apathy towards you and the issues you have raised regarding the disrespect you have received from his kids.

Believe me when i say that as i look back over my life i have huge regrets about wasted time, i spent 5 years in a relationship which began when i was 21 and it was a relationship which was under pressure from his ex and his family. I am happily married now, but i cant get those years back. You have to ask yourself whether you can picture a future with this man, it seems to me if you do, then things will have to change, he will have to ensure that his kids show you the respect that you deserve.

AnonAdvice

THanks everyone for such supportive comments, I really appreciate it and its good to hear its not acceptable from other people not just myself. I've told him over and over again that I'm not asking to be their best friend but I do expect some respect and basic manners in our home. He has denied all along that they were acting like that and that I'm the one with the problem! It's only now that he says I do deserve respect from them but it feels like too little too late. I've moved most of my belongings out now and am going back for one more trip. He's being totally hostile with me and says himself and his children will be better off! I really can't believe his attitude!!
He'll realise someday just what he has lost and I won't be coming back. Feeling strong right now but I know that later tonight I will be distraught.

gargleblaster

If you feel like crying later then let yourself cry. It's a terrible thing you've been through and it is perfectly normal to feel hurt, so try not to worry about it. And try to remind yourself that it's actually you that's better off without them, and not the other way around. If he does come crawling back, don't give an inch. Don't look back.

Good luck to you.

I am a friend

AnonAdvice wrote: »

He's being totally hostile with me and says himself and his children will be better off! I really can't believe his attitude!!

Well you know what? Its no wonder his kids have no manners. You really have dodged a bullet there. It will be hard for a while but you know you dont want to be second best and more importantly, treated like a dog by his kids.

You are really lucky you found out now. Onwards and upwards

AnonAdvice

my mother the person I need support from is now insulting me and saying I'm taking the the piss because I brought my dog and my cats with me.. i tried to reason with him and said my half of the rent should cover they're keep for a few days but he said he didn't want them there. so now I'm at home with the woman who never wanted me and stomps all over me at every available opportunity. there is no god in this world and i can't cope with life anymore i'm ending it tonight

thanks for the support but what hope have I got surrounded by people like this and nowhere to go

LegacyUser

You poor thing! Im really sorry to hear your predicament.
I dont get on with my mum either and she also tramples all over me when she can, as you put it- I KNOW how much it kills you...
But please, realise, that you are better then that.
You have to fight back, inside yourself. Dont let them win.
Remeber that life comes in waves, when there is a down like this, remember that it always, always, goes back up again. Its never permanent, although it may feel that way when youre in that black place.
Just get through tonight and tomorrow is a new day.
Why not lie down now and try to sleep off the hurt?
It usually works for me...
I am sure there are other people in the world that need you around, you have to be strong for them

Little Acorn

AnonAdvice wrote: »

my mother the person I need support from is now insulting me and saying I'm taking the the piss because I brought my dog and my cats with me.. i tried to reason with him and said my half of the rent should cover they're keep for a few days but he said he didn't want them there. so now I'm at home with the woman who never wanted me and stomps all over me at every available opportunity. there is no god in this world and i can't cope with life anymore i'm ending it tonight

thanks for the support but what hope have I got surrounded by people like this and nowhere to go

I have just read your posts, I really hope you don't mean what you said about ending it, it is not the way out and will solve nothing. I can't type fast enough to say all the things I want to say. The situation you are in now is not going to last forever. You will get back on your own feet, and your life will improve. You are so young, and have so much of life to look forward to.
This is a link to the samaritans: http://www.samaritans.org/, please ring them.

Maple

OP, I sincerely hope that your thoughts of ending it all were only momentary and that you are feeling more capable today.

However, given your situation and the complete emotional turmoil you must be feeling at the minute, I would advocate that you speak to a person better qualified to help you with these feelings. There are multiple links at the top of this forum where you can source the help you need to talk through these feelings.

I am locking this thread.

Maple