Love of my life cheated

LegacyUser

For the past 5 months Ive been with a lovely guy. He treats me like a princess..he's a “born” boyfriend if that makes sense. We've the kind of relationship that it takes most people years to develop. We're open, honest about absolutely everything, great at communicating if an issue arises. Of course nobody or no relationship is perfect, but as relationships go, this is the kind of one that most people hope for. We love each other very much

At the weekend, we went to a friends house. It was one of those night where something bad was bound to happen, we got destroyed drunk. There was a girl there who I've always got the impression likes my boyfriend but she's really sound, I get on great with her and I trust him completely so it never bothered me. She suggested we play spin the bottle, in our state we thought it was a great fun idea. Everyone snogged everyone, when asked if it bothered me that my boyfriend was kissing other girls in front of me I said no, because I trust him so much that I knew it was a harmless game that I was playing too.

I ended up getting so drunk that my boyfriend had to bring me home in taxi and he went back to the party (its only 5 mins away).

The next day he came down to me and was only in the door before he started shaking and said he had something to tell me, that when he went back to the party he ended up kissing said girl twice when they were on their own. I said I needed space to think and then last night I broke up with him.

I'm devastated, I love him so much. I'm in shock because he is the last guy on earth that I or anyone else would think could do something like that. He cant believe what hes done and is just as, if not in fact more devastated than me. He hasn't stopped crying since, both of us are completely heartbroken. I wish that I could forgive him for what I know was a complete error in judgement, fuelled by both alcohol and the blurred boundaries that had been set in place that night (I.e spin the bottle). But my ex cheated on me and my threshold on these things is low.

I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for. Is it worth throwing away what was the best relationship I've ever had because of this? I just need to hear people's thoughts

LegacyUser

As you said yourself the boundaries were already blurred from the spin the bottle, is was only a kiss, no sex and he is obviously devastated and upset that he did this. Also, he's been honest. Sounds like a great relationship, I think you'd be mad to give it up, we all make mistakes, more when we're pissed.

LegacyUser

look, you were both kissing other people - so he continued when you weren't there, I normally would say no way, that's cheating, but in this instance, I really can understand how it could happen.

I mean, he'd already kissed her, you had no probs with that, and it's easy to let it happen again when it's already happened once, that with booze thrown in, well feck it, I think it's a case of blurred boundaries.

Talk with him - I really don't think you were ok with spin the bottle considering how drunk you got (maybe I'm stretching a little)...is there truth in that? Did you maybe go along with it cos u didn't want to be left out of the game, be the dampner on a good night? I'd be more concerned how eager he was to play nd how much that maybe influence u to go along with things...maybe u were testing him to see if he did kiss her, would there be passion there....I dunno, all in all it sounds like a dangerous game to play with a bf when there's another woman present who has the hots for him.

Have a good think about why both of you let this situation happen and start drawing boundaries.

minidazzler

Before someone comes in with the trust is gone arguement. I would arguement the trust should still be as it was. He was as drunk as hell, and with spin the bottle already having been played everything was a little out of phase. TBH, I say just move on, never throw it in his face and just be a little more careful when around people who fancy your boyfriend in future.

LegacyUser

As you said yourself the boundaries were already blurred from the spin the bottle, is was only a kiss, no sex and he is obviously devastated and upset that he did this. Also, he's been honest. Sounds like a great relationship, I think you'd be mad to give it up, we all make mistakes, more when we're pissed.

SheRa

Ok, im of the view that kissing is cheating, so I'll say that from the start. Even if you were ok with him playing spin the bottle, he went back to the party afterwards and snogged her twice. He did that behind your back. It's not good enough to suggest that you watch girls that may fancy him, they are single, he's not. Why should you have to worry about what'll happen next time he gets trollied?

If you can trust him again, fair play, but don't let him blame the drink, thats pathetic of him to use that as an excuse.

StillWaters

I think you are exaggerating the virtues of this relationship - the love of your life after 5 months, having the type of relationship it takes others years to develop....
Clearly not OP. I'm with SheRa, he cheated, and I couldn't trust him again.

annascott

As a previous poster said, it was only a kiss and he does seem to genuinely regret it. However, I would be concerned about why he went back to the party after taking you home.

Ellen33

I would be looking at a couple of things here OP

1) He went back to the party (he had to have known he was over his drinking limit at this stage)

2) He kissed this girl again, not once, but twice. You could say kissing her once after you had left was a drunken mistake, but kissing her a second time?? Surely not OP.

3) What would stop him from going any further, if you can kiss someone else you can do a lot more. Doesnt mean you always will of course, but kissing someone else has broken down that boundary. I really, really hate the "excuse" I was sooo drunk last night. If he was so drunk he shouldnt have gone back.

Did he have a hidden agenda in doing this? Apologies if this post is too harsh

minidazzler

Ellen33 wrote: »

Did he have a hidden agenda in doing this? Apologies if this post is too harsh

Hidden agenda my balls, if a guy is crying in front of anyone let alone his girl friend that is true remorse. He made one tiny mistake when "destroyed drunk", and straight away the next morning told the OP so she wouldn't find out any other way in which it would look like he was trying to hide it. If that's not someone deserving of trust, then I don't know what is.

OP, alot of people will give advice like once a cheater always a cheater, but TBH, what your boyfriend did was make a mistake, not cheat. Cheating is quite a bit more underhanded I would think. He was completely above board at the soonest possible time and as you said seems to regret it, chances of him doing it again is really really low.

[-0-]

If I were you I would take him back and never play spin the bottle, or get blind drunk, ever again.

I would not be cool with my other half kissing people at a party in front of me, regardless of whether it was spin the bottle or not.

Put it down as a great learning experience.

karaokeman

Definitely give it another chance.

He was really drunk and everyone makes mistakes.

I'm sure if you let him know how it made you feel he will apologize and try and work things out with you.

I am a friend

IMHO he went back to the party for more of what he got earlier i.e. snogging this girl (apologies for bad grammar ). There is no way he should have left you, if you were that drunk, on your own... There was no need for him to go back and there was no need for him to kiss someone else. He can be as sorry as he wants but he cheated. Your call now but if you give him a chance he will probably do it again.

LegacyUser

OP here

guest252
I genuinely was ok with spin the bottle of time. There was no 'limit-testing' going on. But it was a stupid thing to do for both of us on reflection

StillWaters
I'm not exaggerating the virtues of this relationship. I've been around the block a few times. I was engaged to someone for four years that I didn't have this kind of relationship with. If it wasn't so great, then walking away after only 5 months wouldn't be such a hard decision.

Ellen33
He absolutely did not have a hidden agenda in going back to the house. It was in his best friends house 5 minutes away from where I live.

I am a friend
There is no way he went back to the party for more of what he had (ie snogging this girl). He went back because it's 5 mins from dropping me home and in his best friends house. In fact he has to pass it to walk back to his own house.

It concerns me that people make huge assumptions about “agenda's” and such. I hope I don't come across as ungrateful for the advice but there really isn't any more behind what happened other than what I said. The facts are as I lay them out. I need advice based in fact, and I accept the fact is that he shouldn't have done it regardless of what the circumstances are. But it's a much more complex situation. There's no black and white and I guess I need to feel out the various shades of grey before making a decision.

Magicmatilda

Firstly I would never play spin the bottle with my boyfriend. I just don't want to see him kissing other girls,I wouldn't want to put him through seeing me kissing other guys, I know he wouldn't like it. Maybe this goes on all the time but I honestly haven't encountered this game since I was a teenager. Anyway you obviousely didn't have a problem with it and thats up to you.

Like I said I don't want my boyfriend kissing other women. In front of me, behaind my back, any other way. Now if he wants to do it, thats his choice but if he chooses to our relationship is over because I wouldn't be able to trust him.

This wasn't just a drunken kiss because if it was it wouldn't happen twice. Also it was a party yet they allowed themselves to be in a position where they were alone in each others company which suggests a bit of intimacy especially when you realise they were kissing.

I think it comes down to a few things
1. Can you trust him now, if you can well and good.
2. Can you bear to see them together again (and what is the chance of this happening, will she be at future parties). If so again well and good. If not you may have a problem
3. Can you deal with the mental pictures, for me this would be the hardest part, I couldn't bear to think of my boyfriend snogging another girl, having cosy little chats alone which lead to snogging. All that stuff. That is where I really have the problem and that is why in your position I don't think I could continue the relationaship.

All that said, if you really feel that you can deal with it and genuinely put it behind you. And if you feel that the relationship is worth it and you want to give it a go, then do so. Don't worry about what others think. He's your boyfriend, it's your relationship and they are your feelings so do what YOU want to do. Its sounds like that is give him another chance. If that is what you want then do it and the very best of luck with it.

thefeatheredcat

Tootiredforaname wrote: »

There was a girl there who I've always got the impression likes my boyfriend but she's really sound, I get on great with her and I trust him completely so it never bothered me. She suggested we play spin the bottle, in our state we thought it was a great fun idea. Everyone snogged everyone, when asked if it bothered me that my boyfriend was kissing other girls in front of me I said no, because I trust him so much that I knew it was a harmless game that I was playing too.

Who asked you if it bothered you that your boyfriend was kissing other girls in front of you? Was it another friend or this girl? And had ye not been drunk at the time, would you have been comfortable generally while sober, for someone to kiss your boyfriend in another game? Would you have been cool about it because it was part of the game and would you have been cool about it if it had happened in front of you outside of the game? And I assume, your boyfriend was also happy and comfortable for you to be kissing other guys, because he trusts you on the same level as you trust him?

I think in a way, look, put this behind you and focus on your relationship. Given the facts that happened, I think you all need to take a bit of personal responsibilty in what happened. You were absent from the fun because you were too drunk, and I imagine after your boyfriend had come back, there were a few more worse for the wear when he returned and he might have had a few more drinks and well, I think tbh everyone was probably using the alcohol factor to do whatever without clear thinking and sound judgement, all because you were all irresponsible with drinking and had left it wide open in being drunk for anything to happen, and because the invite and ok had been given to kiss your boyfriend while drunk while there during the game, it gave a clear light for someone to do ahead and kiss him anyway at some point, because you were ok with someone else kissing him anyway (ok it was a game, but it still sent out a message that it was ok to kiss your boyfriend, and could have even been interpreted by a guy that because your boyfriend didn't have an issue with you kissing other guys in the game, it would be ok to kiss you while drunk at any other stage during the night and there wouldn't be a problem).

In a way, it was someone taking advantage of the situation of the relaxed and drunken atmosphere, the mischief of the game, the relaxed mood, your boyfriend and your absence to get away with kissing your boyfriend for whatever reason, and then for it all the be blamed on the drink and not the individual person's behaviour.

I think bottom line is the collective irresponsible drinking behaviour caused the situation and the betrayal, because of the poor judgement on all sides it created. tbh it could have easily been you that was kissed by a guy given the mood that was set by the game and him being upset and considering ending the relationship.

I think you should try and put it behind you both, try not to let yourselves be open to being too drunk that you can both be taken advantage of or put yourselves in that situation again and enjoy socialising and drinking a bit more responsibly. it sounds like you have a very good relationship, very open, very honest and loving relationship and someone somewhere will always look for an opportunity in the openness between ye (especially when you are equally both open to the idea of eachother being kissed by someone else, while drunk as part of a game which can be interpreted as both of ye are open, in generally, for eachother to go and kiss whoever you want, as long as you are each honest and open about it in front of eachother) to cause a friction if there is enough of an interest by someone in either one of you.

Let this strengthen the trust between you both rather than tear the trust apart.

Ellen33

I am a friend wrote: »

IMHO he went back to the party for more of what he got earlier i.e. snogging this girl (apologies for bad grammar ). There is no way he should have left you, if you were that drunk, on your own... There was no need for him to go back and there was no need for him to kiss someone else. He can be as sorry as he wants but he cheated. Your call now but if you give him a chance he will probably do it again.

I 100% agree. Kissing her once in your absence a drunken mistake, kissing her twice on his own at a party he chose to go back to without you would bother me tbh

If you can get past it OP go for it but u havr to accept that people will give u opinions that you dont want to hear.

Starokan

I think you should forgive him and move on.

Perhaps im slightly old fashioned but it seems pretty silly to play a game where you end up kissing other people. Its almost like asking for trouble.

Lines get blurred and despite what a lot of people will say being drunk is a huge factor here. Alcohol affects people in different ways, some people black out and behave in ways that are unimaginable to them ordinarily.

For someone heavily under the influence the lines of proper behaviour within the relationship would be blurred by already having kissed someone with effectively your permission.

I would say for certain that at the time he kissed her again it was because he wanted too but a lowering of his inhibitions due to drink and having already kissed her could easily have caused this .

As Minidazzler said his remorse seems very very genuine and if the relationship was as good as you say then forgive, forget and move on & keep the kissing games between each other:)

AnneElizabeth

I don't think anyone could bear to watch the love of their life kiss another person, nor would you even consider kissing someone else if you loved the person you're with. And drink is no excuse. Sorry to be blunt but I don't think either of you really love each other.

minidazzler

AnneElizabeth wrote: »

I don't think anyone could bear to watch the love of their life kiss another person, nor would you even consider kissing someone else if you loved the person you're with. And drink is no excuse. Sorry to be blunt but I don't think either of you really love each other.

Bullshido, there are many many example's of the most loving couples in commited relationships which just happen to allow sex with other people. You can't judge anothers relationship from the outside based on what you could/would do. They definitely could, and probably do love eachother.

Katgurl

This is what I would do.

Tell my boyfriend I need a week to mull things over and not to contact me in meantime. Then I'd let him
sweat.

Forget completely about the kissing and accept it for what it was - complete drunken nonsense.

Spend the week having a great time with my friends, shopping, getting my hair done or whatever.

Meet boyfriend on agreed day, tell him that based on his honesty and how much alcohol was involved you are prepared to put this one thing behind you. But if you ever ever have to face a decision like this again, it will be over, no discussion or negotiation whatsover.

Then I'd get on with things, never bring it up again and stay well clear of spin-the-bottle.

I'll tell you why I'm saying this - I was once the kisser in this scenario and my boyfriend did exactly the above. I never disrespected him again. Plus I was bonkers about him and as for the guy I was kissing - I couldn't pick him out in a line-up or tell you his name.

Esoteric_

Look, I'd usually be telling you to leave this guy because he DID cheat and the lines were NOT blurred. Spin the bottle is one thing, but while you're not there kissing someone is completely different.

That said, he obviously made a drunken mistake, and immediately told you and was sorry. It's not like he kept it quiet and he clearly wants to save the relationship because he told you straight away so that you could deal with it. If you want to save the relationship, I would suggest a week of no contact so that you can come to terms with it and also to make him sweat a bit, as another poster suggested. I'd warn him that trust will be a problem for a while, just in case you get paranoid moments.

I would personally work on a relationship if my boyfriend did that, but at the same time I wouldn't think your relationship is as a strong as you say if after 5 months you were happy to watch him kissing other women and he was happy to see you kissing other men. Yes, there are couples who sleep with other people and still love each other, but clearly you and your boyfriend have a monogamous relationship so I find it hard to believe you're both as in love as you think.

Mighty_Mouse

How old are ye? I mean who plays "spin the bottle" when in a monogamous relationship FFS?
What’s the actual difference between whether he kissed when a bottle was spinning or not?
Has the bottle got magic swinger charm?
Can he kiss a girl in future if he spins a toothbrush or is it just a bottle for 1 night only?

Ye both opened the door to kissing other people that night.
You had some weird method of justifying it with a spinning bottle.
Things got out of hand. The pair of ye acted like knobs.
Lines got blurred. Ye both clearly love each other. Forget it and move on.

Daisy M

I agree with mightymouse. What I really do not understand is why if you were so out of it on drink did your bf bring you home and leave you did he not have any concerns for your well been or was the party more important or do you both not realise the dangers of overdoing it on alcohol. Dont get me wrong I like a few drinks but it sounds as if ye really over did it and trust me there could have been far worse consequences than your bf kissing another girl.

DangerMouse27

Op what a dilemma!

why play the game at all? It was mentioned before that maybe your in denial because he went back and did it again..twice.
I would say your in shock really. pre-meditated stuff though. Can you trust him? possibly. Do you think you can? sounds like no.

LegacyUser

Tootiredforaname wrote: »

I said I needed space to think and then last night I broke up with him.

I don't think you gave yourself enough space to think. If he truly is a great guy, I'd go back to him. You'd have to start with a clean slate though, start dating him again as if it was your first few dates. You've already recognised that you gave him blurred boundaries, so this time let him know exactly what your boundaries are. If you do go back with him, you'll have to learn to trust him all over again, and you can never throw what happened in his face because if you do the relationship will be truly over.

If I were in your position, I would take him back. His honesty and his reaction would have me believe that he's basically a decent guy, and just acted like a tool for a few minutes (which is allowed thank god-we all act like tools sometimes . Just make sure he knows what your boundaries are.