Really friends??

LegacyUser

This is going to be a long one!

During a 3 night holiday to over the bank holiday weekend, 2 of my friends and I (all girls) went out to a club, all having a great time. A group of guys came over, (5 or 6 of them), and we were all chatting. After a while it ended up that my 2 friends were each talking to a guy and the rest of the group left. I was awkwardly trying to join in to one of my friend's conversations since I had no one to talk to. It was clear that my presence was not being appreciated and they were cutting me out of the conversation.

My other friend had disappeared with her guy and I was left on my own. I walked off around the club feeling pretty crappy at this stage. I'm not the most outgoing person and its not easy for me to start chatting and talking to strangers, especially if I'm on my own! I don't know how long I was wandering about for but I bumped into one of my friends, she was still with her guy. I told her I would go back to the hotel and see her later but she insisted I stay.

I don't know why I did, but I stayed there again awkwardly talking to her and the guy, who obviously didn't want me there. He grabbed some guy that he knew and told him to talk to me. The four of us went to the dancefloor where I tried to make the best of the situation and just have a good time, but I felt like such a spare wheel. The pity date and I didn't get along very well and neither of us wanted to be in the situation.

When the night ended we all made our way outside. There were my two friends, their two guys and me. Again spare wheel, and being totally excluded from the group does not make for a fun night. Back at the hotel the guys weren't allowed into the residents bar (thank you Lord) so they left and we went back to our room.

Oh yes there's more ...

The next night we were in a different club and surprise surprise the two guys turn up. My friends had arranged to meet them but never told me. I asked my friends not to leave me on my own like the previous night and they agreed that it was unfair. That lasted an hour maybe? They paired off with their guys and I was again left with some friend of a friend who I didn't know. When they returned (guys in tow of course) I still felt excluded and ignored.

At one point I turned to look for my friends and they had gone to the bar together without me, leaving me alone on the dancefloor. I'm thinking I was the one who really needed the drink! When the night ended again it was my friends, their guys and me. Outside they were walking as couples, holding hands, all that and I was just tagging behind on my own. We stopped walking and they started talking about the night and how great it was and again I was really excluded, ignored and just felt invisible. If any of them looked at me I got the feeling it was a 'why is she still here?' kind of look. I felt like they just wanted me to get lost and go back to the hotel. After a while I said to one of my friends that I was getting a taxi back to the hotel. Her response was to get one from down the street because the taxis going past us were heading the wrong direction. I headed back to the hotel on my own, they came in some hours later.

I just wonder what are people's views here? I felt excluded and really upset at this, they made me feel like crap. I felt like they didn't want me there and I was just the annoying tag-along friend that won't go away, putting a downer on everyone's night. I tried to ignore it and have a good time, but after two nights of being ditched and being a spare wheel I kind of lost the will to do that!

They were having a great time both nights and at no point did either of them ask me if I was alright, when I was clearly upset and dejected. Was this me being overly sensitive or them being jerks? Should I have put more effort in with the guys I was left with? I was really looking forward to a night out with my "friends" and didn't want to be talking to some guy all night. I expected my friends to come back to the hotel with me on the second night, I certainly didn't expect the response of 'get a taxi from over there'. I felt like they didn't care what happened to me, I was walking down the streets on my own at 3am and after having had a few drinks.

Thoughts??

They are your friends, and I wouldn't blame them for what they did, but in future I'd try and be more selective of who to take on holidays if I were you.

It's generally pretty easy to tell which of your friends will ditch you for guys, and which will ignore male attention to have a good time with you. In future you're just going to have to bear in mind that they're not the stick with your friends types.

I know this sounds like terrible advice, but in my experience some girls will do anything under the influence of male attention, it's worse than a litre of vodka to some girls. You've just got to ignore it and make sure you always stay aware of whether or not you've got anyone loyal with you. In their eyes they had paid for a holiday, wanted a good time, and far preferred the excitement of flirting and getting with someone as opposed to staying with you and chatting/dancing. It's selfish, but it's pretty human.

Daisy M

They did treat you unfairly. Ye were away from home so it wasnt like you were going to bump into other friends or people you know to hang out with. They could have included you in their group and should as your friends have gone out of their way to do so. Having said that I have to wonder how you came across on the second night, did you make any effort to relax and chat to the two guys or was it a case where you sat sulking?

Rocket19

Hmm, I think perhaps you're over-reacting a little.

Clubs are place where a lot of people go out to have a laugh. But they're also often places where girls go out to meet guys.
If I was out with a small group of friends, I would understand if they got with a guy and didn't want me around. PLENTY of times have I been in a club with a couple of girls, they get chatting to a guy, and I BACK off, even if that means being on my own for a bit.
They would do the same for me if I got talking to a guy. Its not something to take personally.
The best thing to do is to go off and do your own thing. You say you're not too outgoing, but the best you can do is try. Just wander around a club for a but and you'll surely find some people to talk to. Most people are out for the banter after all, if you're open to it.

That said, it sounds like they were overly b*tchy. Especially when they had said they wouldn't leave you again, understood the were being unfair, etc.
A couple of times I've been out with one or two friends, and we will agree to stick together no matter what. I WOULD be pissed off if we had decided to make it a 'girls' night' or if they lied to me like that (about the guys coming).
I wouldn't say these girl "arent your friends" necessarily, only you can make that judgement call. If you really feel they were acting in a nasty way, not giving a toss about your interests at all, then I'd say, yes, evaluate your friendships a with them.

gerryk

One thing I have learned is that you con't hold someone to standards of behaviour. I have my standards, you have yours and other people have theirs. If standards of behaviour are substantially incompatible, then perhaps people are not as suited to each other as they may have thought.
Personally, I would not have behaved as your friends did, but as to whether I think they are wrong... not really.

Chinafoot

If this was two nights out in your home town then I wouldn't be upset over it.

However, I think that as you were on a holiday together and away from home, and everyone you know, their behaviour was definitely shítty. Fair enough, they both met fellas they like but to make no effort to include you in the conversation, leave you wandering around a nightclub where you know nobody and to even leave you alone on the dance floor is not the behaviour of good friends. Its a bit much for people to suggest you should have just started talking to random people. Most people go to clubs with their friends. Going on your own and tagging along with randomers isn't exactly the norm.

These girls acknowledged after the first night that they treated you unfairly so they were fully aware of how you felt. But they then went and repeated the behaviour the second night. I don't blame you for being upset at all. It was a trip away for the three of you to go and have a laugh together.

Did you say it to them after the second night? If it was me I would tell them again that I felt their behaviour was very unfair, that they were fully aware how you felt but that they didn't bother to make you feel included. If you get a bitchy reaction then you know that they don't really care. If they seem genuinely sorry about it I would accept it but I wouldn't be going on any more breaks away with just the two of them.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies!

I am aware that I am overly sensitive and my reactions may be OTT in some situations, I find it difficult sometimes to judge whether someone has legitimately hurt me and done something wrong, or whether they haven't been out of order at all and I'm just acting a bit crazy.

I wonder should I say something to them? Or should I just ignore it and get over it? I know I need to develop a thicker skin and just brush off some things, but a lot of my other friends will not go out with these girls as a group of three because being left out will definitely happen, even if there are no guys involved. I used to be very close to them and this kind of thing never happened, but recently it seems the dynamic is changing and they are becoming more and more cliquey.

Having said that I have to wonder how you came across on the second night, did you make any effort to relax and chat to the two guys or was it a case where you sat sulking?

The second night I was trying to get involved and I didn't want to bring everyone down. I was talking to the guys. Although one of them clearly did not like me and put a lot of effort into not standing beside me, not talking to me, pulling my friend away if I was talking to her, etc. The other guy was grand, we got along, things were fine, so I felt pretty bad at the end of the night when suddenly no one would even look at me, let alone talk to me. At that point I gave up and went back to the hotel on my own.

Thinking about it, I've never been in a situation like that before when everyone hooked up with a guy apart from one. I guess that contributed to why I was upset, but I suppose thats a self-esteem issue and my problem not theirs. Normally if some went off there would be other friends for company and nobody would be left on their own. So I guess I won't be going out as a group of three anymore!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I'm must say I am surprised at some of the resonses you're getting here. cant believe some people think this is acceptable behaviour.
Yes, sometimes people feck off and you're left for a period of time, but the whole or most of the night by yourself is not on! This has happened to me once or twice.

This line stood out to me
"I find it difficult sometimes to judge whether someone has legitimately hurt me and done something wrong, or whether they haven't been out of order at all and I'm just acting a bit crazy."
I am like this too, and over the years I have been awful at standing up for myself. I think that friends may have gotten used to me not being getting the same respect as others in the group, and that they have take liberties because they think Im easygoing and always cool with stuff.

What i think you need to do it make yourself more visible and heard in the group, eg. say something like... "oh oh, yous are gonna feck off and leave me along in the nightclub, thanks a lot." but make sure to say it with a bit of a smile on your face so you don't come across all angry and bitter. They'll get the hint and see that they cant treat you any which way!
I understand what this is like, people take liberties when they know they can get away with it! try to build up some confidence and get more forward and quicker with your responses.
good luck!

stacexD

I agree you should pick which friends you go out with very wisely! I have a couple of friends who I would never go out with on my own. There was a big group of lads as well as your 2 friends it wouldn't have been much trouble to spend some time in the group, even joining in the conversation for a while every now and then to make sure you were ok with them.
They're obviously the type who will pick their guy and hang off them for the night ditching anyone else. Not telling you they were meeting up with the lads was quite a bitchy move aswell!
Tbh once I started going out and noticed a couple of friends at that craic I realised that they're pretty selfish people in general and couldn't be bothered with them after that.

IrishEyes19

I dont think the OP is being over sensitive about her having to walk at 3am on the streets to a taxi on her own. Never ever would I do that to a good friend. Not a chance of it. And to be honest, if theres three girls out, Id never leave a friend hanging around either, what a crappy thing to do to a friend. ok fine, people hook up, but you dont leave someone alone. what a low thing to do.

Bubblegums

Friends my eye, what tramps! To leave you walking alone at that hour, who knew what the hell might have happened to you, lose those 2 selfish runts! Life's too short to be left feeling like that when it was meant to be a girlie time away. :rolleyes:

If you have to judge what 'friends' will dump you for a man, they are not friend material...

Chuchoter

On the one hand, yeah its not the nicest thing in the world but you can't expect them to reject all male advances just to please you. Theres an element of this thats down to them being bitches, but theres another element thats down to you expecting them to drop everything for you.

Wompa1

Your friends are the type that go off and get with random guys in a strange place. They also organize to meet them with you in tow on the sly. They don't seem like the sharpest or nicest people you could meet. If I was you I'd be more of an acquaintance with these girls anymore, they could just drag you down and get you into troublesome situations.

Chinafoot

Chuchoter wrote: »

On the one hand, yeah its not the nicest thing in the world but you can't expect them to reject all male advances just to please you. Theres an element of this thats down to them being bitches, but theres another element thats down to you expecting them to drop everything for you.

Ah here, nowhere did the OP say she expected them to drop everything for her. She also didnt say she expected them to reject all male advances. Thats complete nonsense. It is entirely possible to meet a nice bloke on a night out with a friend without making said friend feel like a complete spare wheel. She was actively excluded two nights in a row, during what was also her holiday...not just theirs. They left her walking on her own ffs!

How anyone can attempt to blame the OP in this scenario is beyond me.