breaking up after date rape

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm female, 30, living with bf for 2 years, going out for 6. We've had a difficult relationship from the beginning because of his depression which had him using coke and cybersexing in the beginning. For the last couple of years he has still been depressed, doesn't do drugs (apart from a couple of times a year) and doesn't sleep. We don't have sex (last time was November). I cheated on him in March with a girl and he hardly seemed to care. I felt so guilty because I didn't feel all that guilty (if that makes any sense) and was ready to break up with him but he said we should try harder but because he has such a strange sleeping pattern where he stays up for days and then sleeps for 24hrs only waking to eat and spends the days between waking up and sleeping obsessively working on projects that never get finished and being out of it (I read since that 24hrs without sleep has the same effect as a 0.3 blood alcohol level). For 18months he wouldn't try anything and got quite mean and violent to walls when I tried to offer advice or express how worried I was.

Meanwhile I have quite a severely bad back and became responsible for the shopping which digs into my money and hurts to carry. He will help me carry it home sometimes but usually is busy with his projects. The stress is my responsibility but it's really making my back worse.

On the May bank holiday weekend I left the house early for a class but forgot my keys. Bf was meant to be meeting me that evening for an event I'd won tickets to but as he'd only gone to bed at 6am after 5 days not sleeping, he stood me up. I met a girl there who I ended up going out to a pub with later. I had been trying to contact bf since my lunch break via text and call but no response. I think me and this girl both got GHB'd. We both don't remember anything after 10pm. We ended up losing each other and next thing I know it's 8am and I'm in a hotel room naked with no idea who's next to me. This guy tells me that he found me in Temple Bar and I pulled him into a bush and "we had the best night's sex ever". I feel sick and confused. The first thing I do is try to call my bf but there's still no answer and he hasn't tried to contact me either. My mob says that I was trying to call him from 10pm to midnight and that I sent some barely legible texts.

Finally at 9am he answers and says he'll let me in. At this point I'm shocked and think it's my fault. I cheated on him. But I can't remember anything. He doesn't ask me where I was, doesn't apologise for not contacting me/answering me and just stays quiet.

I ended up telling him what happened when I finally tell a friend and they tell me to to the sexual assault unit. As the date for my appointment with the SAU gets closer I get more and more scared and aware of what happened to me. Also I was raped a couple of times before and sexually abused as a child so I can feel the same responses even now.

I think I hate him now. I don't know what to do. I want to leave but all his bad behaviour might just be depression. It could all get better. But he let me get raped and didn't wonder where I was. I was told to never make a life changing move while in crisis. Any advice?

LegacyUser

I think the best course of action would be to seek out a good counsellor
leave the boyfriend and spend your time with friends and family you can rely on
get back to full health, try and put it all behind you and meet someone who deserves your time and love.

fghijkl

But he let me get raped and didn't wonder where I was.

OP you poor thing, i'm so sorry for what happened to you but i'm sorry it was not your boyfriends fault that you were raped.

It sounds like your relationship was very unhealthy and falling apart even before this happened.

I think you need to see a councellor about the assault, you need to sort yourself out and deal with the assault first before you make any rash decisions about your boyfriend.

Take care OP.

nettie1

Dear OP,
I feel terrible for what has happened to you. Nobody deserves what happened to you and the only person to blame is the person who raped you.
I would like to remind you that you are precious. Don't sacrifice your life for someone else. You'll end up resenting him and subconsciously punishing him for it. Counselling is worth a try, whether it ends with you staying or breaking up with this man. Nothing is worth living in misery.

UrbanSea

I don't want everyone to jump down my throat but this has to be said.

How are you sure that you were date raped and that you simply didn't drink too much?

I'm sorry if I sound uncaring but there's no point avoiding distinct possibilities.

moco

I think the above poster has a point. Especially when you were making phone calls and texting. I don't think you'd be able to do this if you'd been given the date rape drug.

LegacyUser

Regarding was I drunk or drugged - When I drink too much (especially taking pain meds) I tend to fall asleep after 30mins of blurriness. Even in clubs. Quite embarrassing! Also if I was so drunk/drugged that I don't remember anything, I would have been slurring, stumbling and not have been in a consensual state. Judging from my texts in the phone memory, I was in full on punch button, hope correct message appears mode. Rohypnol is a sleep med but GHB is used recreationally at different levels with very different effects. Also, public sex in a bush is definitely not me. From what I've read certain doses of GHB and rohypnol "unleash" a part of you while erasing memory for different lengths of time depending on the dose. I have had my share of ONS after drinking and NEVER woken up with no idea of where I am or what I've done. Especially with a 10 hour hole in my memory. Also the girl I was with had the same experience but had drunk a lot more than me. She was lucky enough to find her house mates.

@nettie1 I think we're already doing that unfortunately. I'm just too scared of making a bad situation (for him and me) worse.

@fghijkl I do know that it wasn't his fault but so much has been affected by his sleeping pattern (he says he was asleep from 6am to 9am the next day) that I feel angry that he can't try something practical to help his problem sleeping. (And then be able to wake up to let me in when I foolishly forget my keys)

@123username That's exactly what I'm thinking - That I need to be around people I can rely on. I am seeing a counsellor and that's painful because I have to deal with the other negative sexual experiences that this one is reminding me of. Unfortunately I don't have any family as the childhood sexual abuse was from a family member and things went caca when it came to light but I've got a couple of female friends who are being sweet and fantastic.

Thank you for responding and being honest. It means a lot.