My girlfriends ex is a friend

LegacyUser

Hi

I have just popped in for some friendly advice..

Im in a wonderful relationship with this great girl almost a year, we are madly in love and everything and things are going great, except for one little thing.. I have recently found out that she was seeing a really good friend of mine previously.

Now I will admit that I was aware of this but I wasn't aware of just how close and serious they where and it really really bothers me.

I have no other issue with her past and her with mine (thank God :P ) except for this one!

Although she says she never really liked him they where on and off for well over a year and she says she loves me which I do believe.

But yet it still bothers me! I have had quite a good think about it and it seems as though I'm the one with the problem perhaps? Maybe it's a lack of self esteem on my part or pride and ego mixed in with lack of self esteem?

In anyway, at times I think of them being together and I will be honest it really gets me down. So much so that I have considered ending the relationship, not because I don't love her, but because It can bother me and in turn I can bring it up and cause a strain on our relationship and she gets upset and I don't want to see her upset.

So I am going to try and get over the problem once and for all, and If I can't, I think it would be best as extremely hard as it would be to call it a day with our relationship.

So I'm looking for advice.... Does it seem that I have a lack of self esteem and that's why it's bothering me??

And if so, how do I go about getting over my problem? It's such a major problem to me that I would even consider getting some professional help like a counsellor or whatever to try and help me. Because as petty as it seems it can, at times really affect me and is constantly on my mind.

Any help and / or critizism is greatly appreciated! Thanks.


*Oh by the way if the story seems a little bit all over the place I apologise, I have never used a forum like this before and in a way it's quite theraputic getting it out of my system regardless of how! :-) So I am open to any questions also.


Thanks for your time! :-)

LegacyUser

Surely if you were THAT good of friends with the lad you'd have known that they went out for over a year?

tbh, I don't see what the issue is. You say the thought of them together bothers you and it gets you down but, apart from a vague self esteem thing, you don't say why. Are you threatened by him? Do you think he's better looking/funnier/smarter than you?

Look, at the end of the day, you say you love the girl, and she's with you and says she loves you too so why would you break up over something as trivial as the fact that your friend got there first? They aren't together anymore, it didn't work out, it's a non-issue. Let it go.

LegacyUser

thestreetkid wrote: »

Hi

I have just popped in for some friendly advice..

Im in a wonderful relationship with this great girl almost a year, we are madly in love and everything and things are going great, except for one little thing.. I have recently found out that she was seeing a really good friend of mine previously.

Now I will admit that I was aware of this but I wasn't aware of just how close and serious they where and it really really bothers me.

I have no other issue with her past and her with mine (thank God :P ) except for this one!

Although she says she never really liked him they where on and off for well over a year and she says she loves me which I do believe.

But yet it still bothers me! I have had quite a good think about it and it seems as though I'm the one with the problem perhaps? Maybe it's a lack of self esteem on my part or pride and ego mixed in with lack of self esteem?

In anyway, at times I think of them being together and I will be honest it really gets me down. So much so that I have considered ending the relationship, not because I don't love her, but because It can bother me and in turn I can bring it up and cause a strain on our relationship and she gets upset and I don't want to see her upset.

So I am going to try and get over the problem once and for all, and If I can't, I think it would be best as extremely hard as it would be to call it a day with our relationship.

So I'm looking for advice.... Does it seem that I have a lack of self esteem and that's why it's bothering me??

And if so, how do I go about getting over my problem? It's such a major problem to me that I would even consider getting some professional help like a counsellor or whatever to try and help me. Because as petty as it seems it can, at times really affect me and is constantly on my mind.

Any help and / or critizism is greatly appreciated! Thanks.


*Oh by the way if the story seems a little bit all over the place I apologise, I have never used a forum like this before and in a way it's quite theraputic getting it out of my system regardless of how! :-) So I am open to any questions also.


Thanks for your time! :-)

I'm in the exact same boat. Infact, the exact same thing happened to me. It got me really down. Then I was told I was over reacting. Because it's like this, if it was somebody else you wouldn't care as much. It's not like they're still seeing eachother. Life moves on. There are people out there whose partners are having sex with their friends behind their backs and worse. After time it won't be on your mind as much.

If you try not to think about it then you will just end up thinking about it. It's like that pink elephant thing where someone says I bet you can't not think about pink elephants. Just tell yourself who cares and if you think about it then just say that. Over time it will get better. Besides, she's with you now so she does love you!

fghijkl

Now I will admit that I was aware of this but I wasn't aware of just how close and serious they where and it really really bothers me.

Maybe it's a lack of self esteem on my part or pride and ego mixed in with lack of self esteem?

Maybe you just need to look at it from a different perspective OP. I mean she's with you now and not him, so obviously you were the better catch

However close she was to him, she has to feel closer to you, or she wouldn't be with you.

It can bother me and in turn I can bring it up and cause a strain on our relationship and she gets upset and I don't want to see her upset.

If you know it's your issue, then why do you keep bringing it up with your gf? she can't change the past, she didn't know she was going to end up with you when she was seeing your friend.

I don't see how any good can come from making the issue about her tbh, you need to deal with it yourself, if you think seeing a councellor will help then go for it, but it's not your gf's issue to solve. And by bringing it up you're probably more likely to push her away which is ironic considering your issue is how close she was to your friend.

So I'm looking for advice.... Does it seem that I have a lack of self esteem and that's why it's bothering me??

To me personally it seems like neediness, you want your gf to reassure you that you are better than your friend. Maybe it's a trust thing? Are you threatened by your friend? Do you trust him? Are you afraid that maybe he could 'steal' her from you again or something? More importantly do you trust your gf?

LegacyUser

Hi guys OP here, thanks for taking the time out to reply

@letitgo They werent "going out" they where casual. Which makes me think she liked him a lot to stick around so long. I suppose it gets me down because I'm comparing myself to him in a way. Like where chalk and cheese and from my understanding of it he pulled the plug on things. So maybe she still likes him and the fact that she hung around for a year and a bit casually seeing him makes me think she liked him a lot. So maybe there is a chance she could end up back with him or still like him?

I agree with what your saying though and I should let it go and I'm trying but finding it very hard to do so. That's why I'm here asking for advice and help.


@guest I'm hoping with time it will go away. She is away on a girls holiday in ayia napa and not back until next sunday and I really do miss her and I have no problem with her being away with the girls. I trust her completely.


@fghijkl Thats the thing. As I have said above, he pulled the plug on him and her. Now she's saying it was her. I'm not sure if she is just saying that for my benefit though. But if it was him who pulled the plug on them I don't feel like the better catch. I feel 2nd best if that makes sense? If she finished with him well then yes I would agree with you. But I feel like it's almost as if "Ah well I can't have X (him) so I will settle for Y (me)" If that makes sense? Or does that make me seem as though I lack self esteem?

I don't know why I keep bringing it up?? It's almost as if I'm trying to really find out if she is over him and if she is telling the full truth? As if I'm trying to catch her out!

I know and I agree with you about it being MY issue. Thats why I AM trying to solve it and not bring up! I don't want to push her away or loose her.

I guess your right about needing to reassured ok. It's not that I don't trust her as such but I have had experiences in the past with other girls and know of girls who are friends whos behavious towards their partner leaves a lot to be desired. Do I think he could steal her? Em' no because I believe she really loves me, but part of me again feels like im the booby prize!?? So maybe that is the issue?

Thank you all for your input. Means a lot to me.

LegacyUser

Anybody any advice???

Thanks.