Advice on what to do? (maybe TMI, sensitive situation)

LegacyUser

I'm a regular poster, but I know some people here in real life so I'm going anonymous.

I'm 19 (since last week) and am waiting for my Leaving Cert results.

I've been texting/kissing this boy for the past year. At the beginning it was him that was the most into me, but then the feelings turned mutual.

We aren't exclusive, I've never had a real boyfriend, not that I haven't been asked out, I've just never said yes. My parental situation is a nightmare with break up's all over the place, so I wanted to wait until I found someone who really means something to me.

I barely ever see him, but this weekend I organised a bus to a nightclub for my birthday and he came. Afterwards we went back to my friends house whose parents were away and we had sex. I was a virgin. He has only had sex once and it was when he was 15 and it meant nothing because the girl was 18, he'd only met her then & never again since etc etc.

This is really embarrassing but I don't know if I did it right! It hurt me quite a bit, which I didn't think it would, and even more embarrassing, I don't know if he came! I think he did, but I seriously don't know. It wouldn't "go in" properly either.

It was a really really big deal for me to do it with him, I've always said I wanted it to be someone really special and something that I wouldn't regret. I really don't know why but I cried afterwards and now feel like an idiot. He had to go nearly straight away (7am) then I text him straight away and said sorry (because I'm not sure if he came, and because I cried) he text back saying "don't be sorry, you did nothing wrong"

I've appologised to him in case it was bad but I did remind him it was my 1st time. He told me not to worry & that I did nothing wrong.

He's only text back twice since and it's like nothing's changed or that something's wrong! I thought he'd ask me out or at least say something? I don't want to regret it, and I don't, but it's starting to feel like he doesn't like me any more.

Has anyone got any advice on what I should do?

fghijkl

Aw Op you really did nothing wrong!:)
For some women it really hurts the first time they have sex (it did for me), and as for the not going in part, that's perfectly normal too, the first few times you start having sex, it takes a bit of practice before things loosen up a bit down there

He's only text back twice since and it's like nothing's changed or that something's wrong! I thought he'd ask me out or at least say something? I don't want to regret it, and I don't, but it's starting to feel like he doesn't like me any more.

OP you have no reason to regret it, you waited until you found someone you cared about, that's more than a lot of people can say, you did the right thing for you. You say you like him but ye're not exclusive, he may just not be sure of where the both of you are now in terms of a relationship? Of course there's also the possibility he may just not want a relationship right now, but either way it has nothing to do with your 'performance' or you doing anything wrong.

If you like him then why not ask him to meet up again and have a chat with him about whether he wants (or you want) a proper boyfriend/girlfriend situation? At least then you'll know where you stand.

All the best OP

beks101

Ah hun, don't be so hard on yourself! You have NOTHING to be sorry for.

Honestly, my first time was a complete and utter disaster, a random one-night-stand guy, both plastered, both clueless, no idea whatsoever of the 'mechanics' of the whole thing, it hurt like hell and I bled, cried, had to ask him to stop several times, never heard from him again...seriously, all I can do looking back now is laugh! And you'll do the same about yours one day too.

As someone else pointed it, it's normal for many women for it to be painful the first time, but trust me on this one...it does and WILL get better! It's all about getting comfortable with the act and that comes with time and practise! And so what if he didn't come? Honestly, don't be bothering yourself about that, sometimes it doesn't happen for a guy just as it doesn't happen for a girl...it doesn't invalidate the act or mean that it's anybody's 'fault', it's just the way it is sometimes. It could be nerves on his part too.

So please don't worry about all of this, you got the first time out of the way, it can only get better! And if you don't hear from him? His loss!

Maple

OP, you've done nothing wrong at all. Honestly.

Please don't apologise to him again, you have nothing to apologise for. Take him at his word when he says so, you'll drive yourself bonkers otherwise.

For plenty of people, myself included, the first time can be awkward, sore, uncomfortable, it can leave you wondering if you even did it in the first place.

With regards this guy, it seems like you two had a pretty casual set-up, so maybe he is just trying to keep it business as usual. I wouldn't write him off just yet tho, see how things go the next time you see him.

But please, stop fretting and wondering what you did wrong, it's unnecessary.

Taltos

OP - the others have all said it - you did nothing wrong - in fact you are now in the majority group of first timers where things just don't go like in the movies.

Few things for next time
Avoid alcohol.
Take it slowly.
Don't rush into a next time - do it when it feels right to you.

Think about it this way - you couldn't drive a car the first time you jumped in, and you definitely couldn't fly a plane. Sex and good sex takes time & practice - problem is we have all been brainwashed by hollywood.
Secret is just to relax and be with someone you trust.

Now stop apologising - and smile a little You are one of many in our great club...

Count Duckula

From a guy's point of view when I lost my virginity it was with the girl who would become a girlfriend, and I didn't come. It actually kinda hurt, and I distinctly remember not really enjoying the experience. I actually started to, um, "lose it" halfway through and had to fake an orgasm.

If he was basically a virgin himself he was probably just as nervous and embarrassed as you were

There's a reason that people often talk about their first times being awkward and embarrassing - because they often are! It gets better with practice and experience.

Much better

LegacyUser

Thank you everybody for your responses so far. You've really put me at ease, and I appreciate that

fghjkl : thank goodness it's not just me that it hurts for! It was my close friend who told me it wouldn't hurt at all, would be great blah blah so I was worried when it wasn't so great and hurt like hell. This it embarassing but it felt exactly like what you said. I think I was too "tight" down there.. I'm going on holidays tomorrow for 10 days so after that hopefully we can meet up & have a chat about where things are going. I know there's no point in procrastinating but I'm just worried I'll get an answer I don't like.

beks 101: here's hoping you're right and it will get better although I'm sure you are, the only thing is whether he'll want to do it again.

Maple: I won't apologise to him again, I just feel so guilty in case he didn't enjoy it you know? I don't know what's got into me, I'm usually not such as submissive (can't think of the right word) as this when it comes to guys..
The thing that's confusing me about our "casual set up" is that he knows I like him, and according to all of his other girl-friends who also my acquaintances, he really likes me. I don't think they would make that up in a million years either because they are all such nice girls and whenever I see them on nights out they say to me how he never stops talking to me. (That my have come across as a little cocky, I didn't mean it to)

Taltos: thank you. I have most definitely been brainwashed my hollywood movies!


Update, I text him this morning, and regarding this situation I said that it was a big deal for me and I don't know what to think now. He just text back appologising for not texting back sooner (with a valid reason) then he said that I seem so down about it all and then he asked if I was really ok about everything.

I don't know what to say. I'm not down about it, I just don't know if he enjoyed it, and also it just seems as if nothing has changed between us.

He's genuinely the only person I'v ever liked this much and according to lots of people he feels the same way so I just don't know why he doesn't want to make it official? I know he can if he want's to but I'd be so upset if I heard he was with anyone else.

Maple

he makes me cry wrote: »

Maple: I won't apologise to him again, I just feel so guilty in case he didn't enjoy it you know? I don't know what's got into me, I'm usually not such as submissive (can't think of the right word) as this when it comes to guys..

I would just love to be able to give you the biggest hug, I'm sorry if that sounds patronising but I would. This is a big deal for you, it's perfectly understandable that you're not reacting the way you normally would,this is your first time so you it's all new and you don't have any previous experience, so of course you're going to feel all topsy turvy at this moment.

he makes me cry wrote: »

The thing that's confusing me about our "casual set up" is that he knows I like him, and according to all of his other girl-friends who also my acquaintances, he really likes me. I don't think they would make that up in a million years either because they are all such nice girls and whenever I see them on nights out they say to me how he never stops talking to me. (That my have come across as a little cocky, I didn't mean it to)

You don't sound cocky at all, I'm sure this is the way it is.

he makes me cry wrote: »

Update, I text him this morning, and regarding this situation I said that it was a big deal for me and I don't know what to think now. He just text back appologising for not texting back sooner (with a valid reason) then he said that I seem so down about it all and then he asked if I was really ok about everything.

Do you know that right now he could be having the exact same doubts and worries that you're having? He could be thinking holy sh1t, she's not turning cartwheels with joy here so obviously that makes me a sex god failure.

he makes me cry wrote: »

I don't know what to say. I'm not down about it, I just don't know if he enjoyed it, and also it just seems as if nothing has changed between us.

He's genuinely the only person I'v ever liked this much and according to lots of people he feels the same way so I just don't know why he doesn't want to make it official? I know he can if he want's to but I'd be so upset if I heard he was with anyone else.

Is this what you want? Do you want to have an official relationship with this guy?

Would you not just say it to him so? Can you arrange to see him? Go for a walk or a coffee or something?

It doesn't have to be a big dramatic showdown, it could be just a simple conversation with you guys.

LegacyUser

Count Duckula: I'm so glad your first experience was similar (not in a mean way, in a relief way ) and that you didn't come. I know it sounds silly but I don't have a clue whether or not he did! My experienced girl says that the boy comes 100% of the time so I was freaking out a little about that.

Maple: Maybe I'm just overly emotional about this whole thing but your post made me well up at how sweet and caring you are! There's nobody in real life I can talk to about this so I appreciate your help so much. Thank you.
Yes. I would love an official relationship with him. He's so sweet and funny and gorgeous.. ok I'll stop before it turns into a cliche lol, but yes, he's great and I do really like him.

It's a good idea about meeting up, but I'm going away tomorrow morning for 10 days and won't be able to see him before that. I need to text him back something, I just don't know what Any ideas? I know he's said to one of my friends before that he doesn't want to ask me out because of our work situation, (he works week days, I work weekends at the moment, but he should be going back to college in september and I will be starting hopefully).

Maple

he makes me cry wrote: »

Maple: Maybe I'm just overly emotional about this whole thing but your post made me well up at how sweet and caring you are! There's nobody in real life I can talk to about this so I appreciate your help so much. Thank you.

Oh my goodness not at all sweetheart, not at all. Anytime. It was a big deal for you, you'd wanted it to be with someone you liked to make it special, of course you're going to be a bit wobbly. I felt the same way after mine, I felt different but I still felt like myself, I was sure I had some big neon sign now that marked me as a woman who'd had sex but it hadn't, I wanted to know how he felt, did it mean the same to him, was it the same big emotional milestone for him that it was for me. If you're feeling anything like I did then there is a lot going on in your head right now.

he makes me cry wrote: »

Yes. I would love an official relationship with him. He's so sweet and funny and gorgeous.. ok I'll stop before it turns into a cliche lol, but yes, he's great and I do really like him.

That's a great place to start so.

he makes me cry wrote: »

It's a good idea about meeting up, but I'm going away tomorrow morning for 10 days and won't be able to see him before that. I need to text him back something, I just don't know what Any ideas?

From the sounds of it, he appears a bit worried that you're upset. so maybe text him something cheerful to allay his fears. Then take your 10 days of holidays to figure out how you feel, let your head and heart and body absorb what's happened and use the time to figure out a plan of action for when you get back.

he makes me cry wrote: »

I know he's said to one of my friends before that he doesn't want to ask me out because of our work situation, (he works week days, I work weekends at the moment, but he should be going back to college in september and I will be starting hopefully).

Ask him to meet up when you get back, something casual and then you can broach the topic of a relationship.

Best of luck OP, I'll be thinking of you and wishing you the very best of luck sweetheart.