Boyfriend - Very Protective

LegacyUser

I would like some advice on my current situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and are very much in love. I adore him and I know he is crazy about me too. All in all everything between us is great, however he is extremely protective of me like very over protective and I dont understand why. Is it that he doesnt trust me ..

When we go out he constantly watches me, if I go to the bar he is keeping an eye the whole time to make sure nothing happens. Recently I was getting the drinks in in town, a man at the bar started talking to me casually at the bar and my boyfriend came straight over to see if I was alright whilst staring the other guy down. I know this sounds innocent enough but is it not a bit much?

I hate to be picking at things, but it kind of annoys me. Im a grown woman I can look after myself especially around men. It makes me feel as if he thinks Im going to cheat on him or something .

CiaranMT

It is a bit much. It generally stems from a lack of self-confidence on their part, and sadly is quite common.

[-0-]

Definitely his own insecurities. You'll say you can handle yourself around men and he'll say it's the men he doesn't trust not you.... He needs to get over it.

I am a friend

That sounds very extreme. My main concern wOuld be that most possessive / over protective/ jealous guys I know have been the ones to do the cheating themselves. IMHO, if you don't think of cheating, you don't think about cheating...

Obviously this may not be the case here but, at minimum you need to have a chat and establish boundaries and see why he is acting like think.

Wompa1

12385 wrote: »

I would like some advice on my current situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and are very much in love. I adore him and I know he is crazy about me too. All in all everything between us is great, however he is extremely protective of me like very over protective and I dont understand why. Is it that he doesnt trust me ..

When we go out he constantly watches me, if I go to the bar he is keeping an eye the whole time to make sure nothing happens. Recently I was getting the drinks in in town, a man at the bar started talking to me casually at the bar and my boyfriend came straight over to see if I was alright whilst staring the other guy down. I know this sounds innocent enough but is it not a bit much?

I hate to be picking at things, but it kind of annoys me. Im a grown woman I can look after myself especially around men. It makes me feel as if he thinks Im going to cheat on him or something .

Have you asked him? Maybe he does it from experience...maybe he has been cheated on or was in a situation before where a girl he was going out with got harassed?

I use to be like that with one girl I went out with. Not to that extreme but I was pretty watchful, but that was because she was a flirty person and on a night out if a girl is flirty it's like blood in the water for sharks

LegacyUser

Hi guys, I have spoken to him about this, sorry I should have mentioned this in first post. I told him how his actions make me feel (that he doesnt trust me). He said exactly what you said [ -0- ] - that its not me he doesnt trust, its the other men. He hates the way they look at me apparently. I would get quite a bit of attention from other men, but this doesnt matter a bit to me I have no intention of going home with them. I cant stop men approaching me, its not like I look for it.
On the safety issue, he likes to know that I am safe especially if I am out without him. Only in the sense that he doesnt like me getting taxis alone and would ring to see if Im okay etc.
A while back we were out in a club with our friends, a guy grabbed me into him and my boyfriend flipped he was so not happy. But I dont know why I have to deal with this, I didnt jump on the guy!
Its just when we are out lately I notice how he doesnt take his eyes off me, I know he loves me and this isnt the worst issue we could have but still.

I do not think he has cheated on me and this is a result of his own guilty conscience, he doesnt mention me cheating on him with these men this does not seem to be what he is afraid of.

I would love some male opinions on this also, I find it hard to get inside his head on this one!

Distorted

Thats not protective, thats controlling and possessive. Its making you unhappy which means its bothering you.

Can I ask if you go out for drinks with friends without him ever? Or is this something he doesn't "allow"? Do you have any male friends (which is of course perfectly normal).

LegacyUser

Yeah I go out without him often enough, I go out with the girls. I have some male friends, one of my closest friends is actually a man I know him years.

I do not think he is controlling, he cant control my behaviour.

Neyite

I agree with Distorted here. He is telling you he is protective, but what he really is, is insecure, jealous, and controlling.

Going off the head when a guy tries it on in a nightclub? Dashing up to the bar when he sees you converse with someone? Jealousy is one thing. But getting angry at you for other peoples actions are quite another.

How is he around your male colleagues? I know someone who went out with a "protective" guy too. He made a holy show of her in front of all her workmates at a colleagues wedding by getting "protective" about her when a male colleague hugged her. Would he lose his temper in that situation too?

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

I agree with Distorted here. He is telling you he is protective, but what he really is, is insecure, jealous, and controlling.

Going off the head when a guy tries it on in a nightclub? Dashing up to the bar when he sees you converse with someone? Jealousy is one thing. But getting angry at you for other peoples actions are quite another.

How is he around your male colleagues? I know someone who went out with a "protective" guy too. He made a holy show of her in front of all her workmates at a colleagues wedding by getting "protective" about her when a male colleague hugged her. Would he lose his temper in that situation too?

He was annoyed because the guy grabbed me, in fairness I wouldnt like it if a girl had her hands all over him in a nighclub. He wasnt annoyed at me, but he wasnt happy with the other guy for doing this.

He never loses his temper with me. He is fine around my male friends, one of my closest friends happens to be male and he gets on great with him.

Wowbagger

I agreee with Distorted, its not protective in any way shape or form, it may have been (and ONLY may have been) when you were going out for a few weeks, but 3 years into a relationship... it's not good.

To answer the question you asked about him not trusting you? I would say yes, you probably have never given him any reason to not trust you and the way you speak about him never will but he can't/won't/doesn't see that because of possible insecurity.

To be honest the bit about him not taking his eyes off you all night weirded me out and believe me that takes doing and Im male.

I know you have had a talk with him about it but it doesnt appear to have solved anything.... it's time for another with some tougher questions.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Even if there was originally some reason for his behaviour, e.g. You had said that you hated clubs/bars because you felt intimidated by some guys behaviour, it is not good that he is doing this at this stage of your relationship. I'll echo other posters by saying that it is not protective; it is controlling and jealous, and would certainly make me feel as though he viewed me as a possession.

And bad enough constantly checking up on you by coming over to the bar - but staring a guy down just sounds very agressive to me. My opinion is that he either stops this behaviour completely, or you have to get out. Obviously I dont know all of the details, but the signs arent good - and if you ever get a hint that he 'doesnt like' your family/friends, then run for the hills.

Ellen33

Maybe he just doesn't want anything to happen to her? This does not have to be as negative as people are suggesting here.

OP said that he does not get angry at her when men come onto her, rather he does not like other men putting their hands on her against her will. I don't think that is over the top. What man would stand by while some drunk fool feels up his girlfriend in front of him? Personally, I would lose respect for any partner if they did not feel a bit unhappy with this happening in front of them. If he didnt care then he wouldn't react at all.

lace

Hi OP! Personally that would all be a bit much for me. I don't think I could put up with behaviour like that and I can understand why it's frustrating you.

If you don't have a problem with people approaching you and talking to you then your boyfriend shouldn't have a problem with this either. If it was inappropriate or making you uncomfortable it would make sense but you've said you don't mind it. It sounds a little extreme to me.

If his behaviour when you two go out together is bothering you then you should perhaps try going out with other people a bit more. Tell him you do enjoy going out with him and want to be able to go out together but that the way he acts is a little embarrassing and that when he's willing to tone it down a little you'll be ready to go out with him more.

Neyite

12385 wrote: »

He was annoyed because the guy grabbed me, in fairness I wouldnt like it if a girl had her hands all over him in a nighclub. He wasnt annoyed at me, but he wasnt happy with the other guy for doing this.

He never loses his temper with me. He is fine around my male friends, one of my closest friends happens to be male and he gets on great with him.

Fair enough - he does not get angry with you for the attention you get from other men, but in several of your posts you say he is constantly watching you. Thats OTT for me, actually I would find that smothering and creepy. It seems like he doesnt trust you to handle the situation - and that is what would annoy me about it - but, you say you have spoken to him about it and nothing has changed. What now?

LegacyUser

I see what you are saying, I just wanted to make it clear that he does not get angry at me as that would suggest a volatile relationship which I feel ours isnt.

He has most recently admitted to me that the fallout with his ex girlfriend of two years was not as simple as I once thought, and this he explained is the catalyst for his behaviour with me.

It seems that she would regularly get attention from men when out, to the point that on some nights out he wouldnt know where she was or what she was doing. She did a lot to encourage the flirting (as I know some women do). As it turns out a night that he wasnt with her she went home with someone she met in a night club and had sex with him.

He said he couldnt believe it when he found out as they had a steady relationship etc he was a broken man following this. However, this opens up a huge can of worms now for me. How do we escape this? This is obviously something that has deeply affected him, to the point that he is afraid that I will do the same as she did. Which will never happen.

What do I do? How can I convince him Im not like her. My head is all over the place, this shouldnt be happening after 3 years.

Herrick

12385 wrote: »

I see what you are saying, I just wanted to make it clear that he does not get angry at me as that would suggest a volatile relationship which I feel ours isnt.

He has most recently admitted to me that the fallout with his ex girlfriend of two years was not as simple as I once thought, and this he explained is the catalyst for his behaviour with me.

It seems that she would regularly get attention from men when out, to the point that on some nights out he wouldnt know where she was or what she was doing. She did a lot to encourage the flirting (as I know some women do). As it turns out a night that he wasnt with her she went home with someone she met in a night club and had sex with him.

He said he couldnt believe it when he found out as they had a steady relationship etc he was a broken man following this. However, this opens up a huge can of worms now for me. How do we escape this? This is obviously something that has deeply affected him, to the point that he is afraid that I will do the same as she did. Which will never happen.

What do I do? How can I convince him Im not like her. My head is all over the place, this shouldnt be happening after 3 years.

Hey OP. It seems he has issues to try and get over. Would you not suggest counselling to him? Maybe even offer to go with him and support him? It might help him somewhat. I have to admit I can see why he is insecure after what she did to him. But also I'm sure it hurts you to think he thinks you'll do the same to him. But he's just afraid of being hurt from what I can see. But at this stage it seems like he'll always be thinking the same way unless he manages to get past his exes cheating. You sound like you are both crazy about each other so maybe see if he'll give the counselling a try?

nesbitt

12385 wrote: »

I see what you are saying, I just wanted to make it clear that he does not get angry at me as that would suggest a volatile relationship which I feel ours isnt.

He has most recently admitted to me that the fallout with his ex girlfriend of two years was not as simple as I once thought, and this he explained is the catalyst for his behaviour with me.

It seems that she would regularly get attention from men when out, to the point that on some nights out he wouldnt know where she was or what she was doing. She did a lot to encourage the flirting (as I know some women do). As it turns out a night that he wasnt with her she went home with someone she met in a night club and had sex with him.

He said he couldnt believe it when he found out as they had a steady relationship etc he was a broken man following this. However, this opens up a huge can of worms now for me. How do we escape this? This is obviously something that has deeply affected him, to the point that he is afraid that I will do the same as she did. Which will never happen.

What do I do? How can I convince him Im not like her. My head is all over the place, this shouldnt be happening after 3 years.

In short OP YOU cannot convince your boyfriend. He has to face up to the fact that he has a problem. If he does not it will probably get worse over time. One thing is for sure in my view that it should not be happening anytime to you but indeed not after 3 years with someone in a relationship. Just an aside comment OP, does he check your phone, have access to your facebook, check your emails, are you really allowed to go out 'on your own', have you modified your dress, makeup, demeanour and behaviour to make him 'happy' over the last 3 years. I do not expect a reply just please think about these things.

A while ago 'Womens Aid' ran a radio ad with the tag line 'if it feels wrong it probably is'... 'is he 2 into u' their website is www.womensaid.ie There is some good advice on there so please have a look. Please heed this warning bell in your relationship.

LegacyUser

He is afraid I will be so tempted by someone coming onto me that I will go home with them, it does hurt me that he thinks this but I dont know what to do about it. I hate the thought of her doing this to him, its always the way it happens the best guys get walked all over and suffer for it for the rest of their relationships. I think I get the brunt of the hurt as Im the one after her.

We cant live like this, I think this is going to put a big strain on us. Now I feel like I cant talk to any men for fear of hurting him and that is so wrong.

We are crazy about each other, he is fantastic and I really love him. We have been through a lot together and I cant walk away from him over this, I just dont know how to fix it.

LegacyUser

nesbitt wrote: »

In short OP YOU cannot convince your boyfriend. He has to face up to the fact that he has a problem. If he does not it will probably get worse over time. One thing is for sure in my view that it should not be happening anytime to you but indeed not after 3 years with someone in a relationship. Just an aside comment OP, does he check your phone, have access to your facebook, check your emails, are you really allowed to go out 'on your own', have you modified your dress, makeup, demeanour and behaviour to make him 'happy' over the last 3 years. I do not expect a reply just please think about these things.

A while ago 'Womens Aid' ran a radio ad with the tag line 'if it feels wrong it probably is'... 'is he 2 into u' their website is www.womensaid.ie There is some good advice on there so please have a look. Please heed this warning bell in your relationship.

He does not check my phone or check up on me in any sense. Of course I am allowed go out on my own, that is ridiculous. I have changed nothing about myself, Im the same as I was three years ago when he met me and he would never expect me to change.

The behaviour that I am referring to happens when we are out in a pub/club when men come onto me/touch me etc

The Lovely Muffin

Herrick wrote: »

It seems he has issues to try and get over. Would you not suggest counselling to him? Maybe even offer to go with him and support him? It might help him somewhat.

I have to admit I can see why he is insecure after what she did to him. But also I'm sure it hurts you to think he thinks you'll do the same to him.

But he's just afraid of being hurt from what I can see. But at this stage it seems like he'll always be thinking the same way unless he manages to get past his exes cheating.

nesbitt wrote: »

In short OP YOU cannot convince your boyfriend. He has to face up to the fact that he has a problem. If he does not it will probably get worse over time. One thing is for sure in my view that it should not be happening anytime to you but indeed not after 3 years with someone in a relationship.

I would agree with the above OP.

If any man I was seeing was behaving like that with me then personally, I would suggest counselling or something as to be honest, your boyfriend needs to address his issues and try and overcome them.

If he refuses counselling what will you do? Will you continue to put up with his behaviour?

If it was me, I'd get out as frankly it's not something I would put up with, no matter how much I loved someone etc, over protective behaviour for me is a deal breaker.

Just a question OP, you can ignore it if you want, but was your boyfriend like this with any other women he was dating/seeing?

Maple

12385 wrote: »

I hate the thought of her doing this to him, its always the way it happens the best guys get walked all over and suffer for it for the rest of their relationships. I think I get the brunt of the hurt as Im the one after her.

No offence OP but what a load of rubbish. You guys are together three years, he was with her for two. Surely by now you've proved to him that you are trustworthy and he should feel secure enough in your relationship to know that you're not going to walk off with some handsome randomer.

That is just ridiculous that he is making you feel like this. You have nothing to apologise for, there is nothing wrong with what you are doing and you should not be made to feel that your behaviour is at fault.

There is a serious glitch in his thought process and it has nothing to do with you. Please do not feel like this is you and that you have something to fix here, you don't.

12385 wrote: »

We cant live like this, I think this is going to put a big strain on us. Now I feel like I cant talk to any men for fear of hurting him and that is so wrong.

Yes, it is so wrong, it really is. He needs to handle his insecurities and get a handle on exactly why he is feeling like this.

At this point in time he has an issue with strange men, if he doesn't sort out his head, what happens if it becomes men you know, men who are your friends?

12385 wrote: »

We are crazy about each other, he is fantastic and I really love him. We have been through a lot together and I cant walk away from him over this, I just dont know how to fix it.

You don't have to walk away from him, you don't. But it is not your problem to fix, it is his. Yes you can help him, but please don't internalise this as your problem as it is his. He needs to sort out his head.

I apologise if I have been harsh here OP, I'm not suggesting that you run for the hills, I'm sure that you do love your boyfriend and I'm positive he loves you, but please insist that he sort out his insecurities because if he doesn't you could possibly be facing a very difficult road that so women have trodden before you and ended up very broken.

Best of luck.

nesbitt

12385 wrote: »

He does not check my phone or check up on me in any sense. Of course I am allowed go out on my own, that is ridiculous. I have changed nothing about myself, Im the same as I was three years ago when he met me and he would never expect me to change.

The behaviour that I am referring to happens when we are out in a pub/club when men come onto me/touch me etc

Fair enough OP, but the behaviour you have issue with is usually in my view accompanied with other behaviour patterns. You are somewhat lucky if your boyfriend has not yet moved on to controlling other aspects of your life. Unfortunately this usually develops over time.

Sorry OP but it is not ridiculous to not be allowed go out 'on your own'. In a healthy relationship that would be ridiculous, but in an unhealthy relationship all sorts of unfair demands are made on people.

It is a shock to find out that you are in an abusive relationship, it is a blanet term but there are degrees of abuse and you are on the receiving end of abuse. It is clearly upsetting and understandably so.

Neyite

Op, we cant inflict the baggage from a previous relationship onto the innocent party in the next one. My partner had an ex that was, to put it kindly, a psyco - Its not my place to suffer because of her behaviour, and he knows this - sure, the horrible experience of it all shaped his thought process about relationships, but it doesnt and should not affect us as a couple.

As Maple says, its been 3 years. How many more years before he gets over this ex? How long before you stop paying for her cheating ways?
Look at what he has said to you over it all:

that its not me he doesnt trust, its the other men. He hates the way they look at me apparently

So he trust you, just not other men around you.

He is afraid I will be so tempted by someone coming onto me that I will go home with them

Wait, now he doesnt trust you?

As it turns out a night that he wasnt with her (the ex) she went home with someone she met in a night club and had sex with him.

So now he is blaming his ex?

I think I get the brunt of the hurt as Im the one after her.

Wait, nope, he is taking it out on you.

See a pattern here? its everybody else's fault he is protective of you. Never his.

He needs to take responsibility for his actions.

LegacyUser

Maple wrote: »

No offence OP but what a load of rubbish. You guys are together three years, he was with her for two. Surely by now you've proved to him that you are trustworthy and he should feel secure enough in your relationship to know that you're not going to walk off with some handsome randomer.

That is just ridiculous that he is making you feel like this. You have nothing to apologise for, there is nothing wrong with what you are doing and you should not be made to feel that your behaviour is at fault.

There is a serious glitch in his thought process and it has nothing to do with you. Please do not feel like this is you and that you have something to fix here, you don't.


Yes, it is so wrong, it really is. He needs to handle his insecurities and get a handle on exactly why he is feeling like this.

At this point in time he has an issue with strange men, if he doesn't sort out his head, what happens if it becomes men you know, men who are your friends?


You don't have to walk away from him, you don't. But it is not your problem to fix, it is his. Yes you can help him, but please don't internalise this as your problem as it is his. He needs to sort out his head.

I apologise if I have been harsh here OP, I'm not suggesting that you run for the hills, I'm sure that you do love your boyfriend and I'm positive he loves you, but please insist that he sort out his insecurities because if he doesn't you could possibly be facing a very difficult road that so women have trodden before you and ended up very broken.

Best of luck.

Thank you for your reply message. I feel like I am biting off more then I can chew here. Im sure you understand when you are with someone for 3 years and are in love with them you cant help but take on their problems with yours and look for ways to solve them.

I have male friends as I have mentioned and this has never been an issue for him. I have asked their advice and they agree pretty much with what everyone has posted on here. Looks like I need to talk to him, now that I have my head together.

What should I say? Or more so what do I need to say as I dont even know where to start but I know we cant live like this. Otherwise he will torture himself worrying about me with other men and I never realised how this could escalate until it was pointed out to me here.

LegacyUser

nesbitt wrote: »

Fair enough OP, but the behaviour you have issue with is usually in my view accompanied with other behaviour patterns. You are somewhat lucky if your boyfriend has not yet moved on to controlling other aspects of your life. Unfortunately this usually develops over time.

Sorry OP but it is not ridiculous to not be allowed go out 'on your own'. In a healthy relationship that would be ridiculous, but in an unhealthy relationship all sorts of unfair demands are made on people.

It is a shock to find out that you are in an abusive relationship, it is a blanet term but there are degrees of abuse and you are on the receiving end of abuse. It is clearly upsetting and understandably so.

He does not make demands on me though, I dont see how that comes into this. I do not accept that my relationship is abusive, I would never even suggest it. He does not control me. I do what as I please.

Distorted

12385 wrote: »

It seems that she would regularly get attention from men when out, to the point that on some nights out he wouldnt know where she was or what she was doing. She did a lot to encourage the flirting (as I know some women do). As it turns out a night that he wasnt with her she went home with someone she met in a night club and had sex with him.

Just be aware that this is his take on it only and she might have another version altogether.

Honestly OP, the more you write, the more you sound as though you are under his control, but you are probably unaware of this as thats they way controlling people tend to work.

Staring at you while in a pub is just ridiculous - is he really claiming it is logical to worry that you will go off with another man and have sex right there and then, because he broke up with a previous girlfriend years ago, if he doesn't constantly watch you? Honestly OP, this is not normal behaviour.

I remember reading somewhere that the only way to deal with controlling people is to constantly keep their control freak tendencies in check by being quite insistent that they stop the odd, controlling behaviour, and doing this constantly throughout the relationship, as otherwise they build it up and justify it to you little by little til you hardly realise how odd your life has become.

Maple

12385 wrote: »

Thank you for your reply message. I feel like I am biting off more then I can chew here. Im sure you understand when you are with someone for 3 years and are in love with them you cant help but take on their problems with yours and look for ways to solve them.

I 100% empathise with your situation, I really and truly do. And I know that you only want to resolve this and that you love your boyfriend very much and that you hate seeing him like this. I'm sure you're very puzzled and upset and that you also hate to see him hurting and that you know how much he loves you too.

12385 wrote: »

I have male friends as I have mentioned and this has never been an issue for him. I have asked their advice and they agree pretty much with what everyone has posted on here. Looks like I need to talk to him, now that I have my head together.

Yes, you do. It sucks but it's a very necessary conversation.

12385 wrote: »

What should I say? Or more so what do I need to say as I dont even know where to start but I know we cant live like this. Otherwise he will torture himself worrying about me with other men and I never realised how this could escalate until it was pointed out to me here.

It could escalate, it may not but it could. I think that's all that people are trying to warn you about, just to be aware really. So just try and deal with the here and now of your relationship.

To give him the benefit of the doubt, he sounds like he loves you very much, and the extent of his feelings and how vulnerable it is making him feel might be overwhelming him a little bit. It may be that this is how he felt in his last relationship and then he had his heart broken so he's revisiting that hurt and it's making him that little bit irrational.

So that might be the driving force behind his thinking. BUT just because you understand a situation doesn't make it right. He really has to face up to his insecurities and decide to put the past behind him because his insecurities have the potential to destroy your relationship.

I think you just need to sit down with him and explain yourself to him, try and stay calm and not react emotionally. But you need to be firm too, and tell him you're not prepared to keep revisiting the same argument because OP it will wear you out.

You're strong now and well able for it, but if you're on a message board looking for advice then the cracks have already started, it's already beginning to wear you down.

I really wish you the best of luck OP.

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

Just be aware that this is his take on it only and she might have another version altogether.

Honestly OP, the more you write, the more you sound as though you are under his control, but you are probably unaware of this as thats they way controlling people tend to work.

Staring at you while in a pub is just ridiculous - is he really claiming it is logical to worry that you will go off with another man and have sex right there and then, because he broke up with a previous girlfriend years ago, if he doesn't constantly watch you? Honestly OP, this is not normal behaviour.

I remember reading somewhere that the only way to deal with controlling people is to constantly keep their control freak tendencies in check by being quite insistent that they stop the odd, controlling behaviour, and doing this constantly throughout the relationship, as otherwise they build it up and justify it to you little by little til you hardly realise how odd your life has become.

I do not like that you are suggesting that her take on events is different, you are trying to suggest that he was like this with her and this is why she cheated on him? Apologies if this is not the case but that is how your post appears to me.

I am going to have a serious talk with him now that I have my head together. This is tough and I dont want to lose him or what we have.

LegacyUser

Maple wrote: »

I 100% empathise with your situation, I really and truly do. And I know that you only want to resolve this and that you love your boyfriend very much and that you hate seeing him like this. I'm sure you're very puzzled and upset and that you also hate to see him hurting and that you know how much he loves you too.
Yes, you do. It sucks but it's a very necessary conversation.

It could escalate, it may not but it could. I think that's all that people are trying to warn you about, just to be aware really. So just try and deal with the here and now of your relationship.

To give him the benefit of the doubt, he sounds like he loves you very much, and the extent of his feelings and how vulnerable it is making him feel might be overwhelming him a little bit. It may be that this is how he felt in his last relationship and then he had his heart broken so he's revisiting that hurt and it's making him that little bit irrational.

So that might be the driving force behind his thinking. BUT just because you understand a situation doesn't make it right. He really has to face up to his insecurities and decide to put the past behind him because his insecurities have the potential to destroy your relationship.

I think you just need to sit down with him and explain yourself to him, try and stay calm and not react emotionally. But you need to be firm too, and tell him you're not prepared to keep revisiting the same argument because OP it will wear you out.

You're strong now and well able for it, but if you're on a message board looking for advice then the cracks have already started, it's already beginning to wear you down.

I really wish you the best of luck OP.

For some reason Maple you out of everyone are really getting through to me here! I am so tired of thinking about this, I dont think i can hack it. I always knew it was a bit much his behaviour but I have never felt threatened by it or afraid -this is why I cant accept the suggestion that our relationship is abusive.

As I am reading all of the advice here, more things are starting to come back to me that have happened with him.

desertcircus

Constantly watching a partner because of what happened three years ago with someone else is thoroughly unhealthy behaviour. It's not protective in any way; it's possessive. He needs to understand that it isn't a question of the extent of his behaviour, but that he needs to change in a big way.

Maple

12385 wrote: »

For some reason Maple you out of everyone are really getting through to me here! I am so tired of thinking about this, I dont think i can hack it.

Listen, you don't need to sort anything out tonight. Nothing has to be done right now OP. You're tired and overwrought and most probably feeling like the rug has been pulled out from beneath you. So don't decide anything right now. Just leave it be for the minute, let your feelings sit with you, the knowledge of what's best for you is already within you but you're just a bit overwhelmed at the minute.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing, just give yourself some time, let yourself absorb what's gone on and how you're feeling about it.

12385 wrote: »

I always knew it was a bit much his behaviour but I have never felt threatened by it or afraid -this is why I cant accept the suggestion that our relationship is abusive.

It's hard isn't it? It's difficult to equate yourself, your strong independent vibrate self, with one of those women we see on the domestic abuse posters/tv adverts. It's difficult to accept we're a victim of anything. The word victim has such negative connotations for us.

The thing is, and this is hard to take in, there are different levels of abuse, and sometimes they're not the outright bang in your face type of abuse. Sometimes it's the slow and insiduous drip drip water torture type of abuse, it's where the boundaries just get pushed that little bit each and every time, just a little push further and further.

12385 wrote: »

As I am reading all of the advice here, more things are starting to come back to me that have happened with him.

OP, I'm so desperately sorry you're feeling like this. It's a bloody horrible place to be.

LegacyUser

Maple wrote: »

Listen, you don't need to sort anything out tonight. Nothing has to be done right now OP. You're tired and overwrought and most probably feeling like the rug has been pulled out from beneath you. So don't decide anything right now. Just leave it be for the minute, let your feelings sit with you, the knowledge of what's best for you is already within you but you're just a bit overwhelmed at the minute.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing, just give yourself some time, let yourself absorb what's gone on and how you're feeling about it.

It's hard isn't it? It's difficult to equate yourself, your strong independent vibrate self, with one of those women we see on the domestic abuse posters/tv adverts. It's difficult to accept we're a victim of anything. The word victim has such negative connotations for us.

The thing is, and this is hard to take in, there are different levels of abuse, and sometimes they're not the outright bang in your face type of abuse. Sometimes it's the slow and insiduous drip drip water torture type of abuse, it's where the boundaries just get pushed that little bit each and every time, just a little push further and further.



OP, I'm so desperately sorry you're feeling like this. It's a bloody horrible place to be.

It is extremely difficult, sometimes your eyes just need to be opened to a situation for what it really is. Maybe I always knew and thats why I ended up here I just needed the facts put to me straight.

I guess in other "normal" relationships there is no stuggle with insecurities or fear of being abandoned again. The thing about these things being too much right now will still be too much in another years time. This leads me to question our future together.

A couple of months back we very briefly thought we were pregnant and naturally we were delighted, I dont know how he could handle his insecurities if a baby came along.

Honey-ec

Distorted wrote: »

Honestly OP, the more you write, the more you sound as though you are under his control, but you are probably unaware of this as thats they way controlling people tend to work.

This x1,000,000.

My sister's ex started off like this. He claimed he was just being "protective", when in reality, he was extremely possessive. She initially thought it was kind of endearing, but he got worse and worse and worse. My other sister works for Leinster Rugby, and we go to the branch ball every year. The first sister was EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT with this guys baby at the time of the ball one year, and he had a complete fit about her going, as he was convinced she was going to be tempted away from him by a rugby player. She told him to get a grip of himself, and came to the ball anyway, and had 27 missed calls from him by the time dinner was served.

They've split up now, but any time her car isn't parked outside her house overnight, he rings her to see where she is. This freaks me the fcuk out, as he's clearly watching the house. If there happens to be a strange (to him) car parked outside, he also calls in on some sh*tty pretext to see who it is.

As Distorted said, controllers use all kinds of excuses to try and explain away their behavior. They tend to be master manipulators, to the point where you end up questioning your own behavior to see if you're somehow at fault. Your partner hasn't gone to my sister's ex's level yet, but what you've described is still setting serious warning bells ringing in my head.

nesbitt

12385 wrote: »

It is extremely difficult, sometimes your eyes just need to be opened to a situation for what it really is. Maybe I always knew and thats why I ended up here I just needed the facts put to me straight.

I guess in other "normal" relationships there is no stuggle with insecurities or fear of being abandoned again. The thing about these things being too much right now will still be too much in another years time. This leads me to question our future together.

A couple of months back we very briefly thought we were pregnant and naturally we were delighted, I dont know how he could handle his insecurities if a baby came along.

Yes, OP it is extremely difficult. There are alot of good posts on here with quality advice. I understand it is alot to take on board. So go easy on yourself now. My posts are there to get you thinking and to provoke a response in you that will untimately be helpful to you. It is hard to see the wood for the trees when someone is loving to you but acts abusively to you when the situation dictates for their needs OP not your needs. I hope you can talk to a trusted member of your own family or one of your own trusted friends about your issue(s).

nesbitt

12385 wrote: »

For some reason Maple you out of everyone are really getting through to me here! I am so tired of thinking about this, I dont think i can hack it. I always knew it was a bit much his behaviour but I have never felt threatened by it or afraid -this is why I cant accept the suggestion that our relationship is abusive.

As I am reading all of the advice here, more things are starting to come back to me that have happened with him.

OP that is why I have tried to point out to you that your boyfriends behaviour would be very unusual if it was simply restricted to just his jealousy of guys in pubs/clubs.... I am not suprised that you are now indicating that there are more issues that you have been tolerating.

Maple

12385 wrote: »

It is extremely difficult, sometimes your eyes just need to be opened to a situation for what it really is. Maybe I always knew and thats why I ended up here I just needed the facts put to me straight.

When you're in a situation it can be very hard to actually "see" the situation for what it really is, or has the potential to be. It's why a stranger sometimes gives the best advice because they are not emotionally invested in your situation.

12385 wrote: »

I guess in other "normal" relationships there is no stuggle with insecurities or fear of being abandoned again. The thing about these things being too much right now will still be too much in another years time. This leads me to question our future together.

No relationship is "normal", within every relationship there are insecurities and fear. The difference is that mostly people work on their issues so as to try and not let them constantly affect the relationship. We could all forgive a glitch every now and then, sure we all get insecure sometimes and have our wobbly moments, but his is a constant thing and that is really wrong on his behalf.

12385 wrote: »

A couple of months back we very briefly thought we were pregnant and naturally we were delighted, I dont know how he could handle his insecurities if a baby came along.

See I'm very reluctant to tell you to just write off your relationship, I don't think that's fair, to you and your boyfriend.

You have only recently discovered the reason for his behaviour, he has only explained himself, so really it's only a new issue as such. If you understand what I mean?

I really think you should sit down with him and tell him straight that he has to learn to trust you, because he's making the both of you miserable with his demons. Tell him that you are willing to work with him and you'll do whatever it takes (obviously within reason) but he has to work on these issues because they are effectively driving you away.

I really feel for you OP, you must be just wrecked and worn out. I hope everything works out for you.

Boskowski

Its amazing how the guy better cop on but of course none of the female variety bring any of their own baggage ever into their advice.

Anyway...

Hey OP, I think it would bother me too if my girlfriend was doing what your boyfriend does.

I wouldn't go as far and say its practically inevitable he'll be a controlling creep 2 years from now - which seems a given with a few others here - but it would certainly bother me.

You need to sit him down and explain to him that you understand he is somewhat burned but that he must make a serious effort not to let his unfortunate baggage spoil or even ruin your relationship.
He needs to understand that it makes you feel childish and uncomfortable and that you're not the same person as the ex anyways. He needs to know how much this is bothering you.
If he trusts you he can work on it I'm sure.

Maple

Boskowski wrote: »

Its amazing how the guy better cop on but of course none of the female variety bring any of their own baggage ever into their advice.

I'm starting to think you just don't "get" PI.

You've just returned from a ban for offtopic posting, please do not bring this sort of passive aggressive nonsense into this forum and also refrain from turning threads like these into gender war issues.

Banned, 1 month.

Maple

Zen65

Distorted wrote: »

Thats not protective, thats controlling and possessive.

In recent years I've started teaching self-defence for men & women, including "domestic abuse" situations, and OP's story really does not fit the typical story of an abusive relationship.

Contrary to some of the views being expressed here, I do believe he really is being protective, but protective of himself rather than of OP. The postings by OP seem to suggest a man who is not uncomfortable with OP going out by herself, or at least does not attempt to stop her. He's also comfortable with her having male friends, which would be quite un-typical for a man with controlling intent.

However, in the circumstances when he is present, he feels an unhealthy need to ensure that OP is not approached by some random man and "tempted" to stray. After three years he should have passed this point, but he's stuck in the moment of the hurt caused by his ex (let's assume his story is accurate enough for the present). It's a little bit like a father being very anxious when he sits in the car with his 17-year old son/daughter driving, but if somebody else takes the son/daughter driving then he is less uncomfortable.

As others have said, this man has the problem, and he needs help with it. All that OP can do is guide him towards professional help, because at this stage "getting over it" on his own is unlikely. He also needs to know how strongly OP feels about this level of anxiety on his part which is damaging the relationship. If OP can reassure him that she's going to help him with this, without compromising her own freedom to talk to others, then his recovery can be quicker.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Hi I have taken some time today to have a think about things now that I have some clear vision as they say. The only time he has ever had an issue as such with a male friend or whatever was when my ex boyfriend got in touch, he wasnt too happy. My ex and I ended because he moved abroad (long story) but we parted on quite good terms. Anyway my current boyfriend and I had a bit of a fight over this but we or should I say he got over it fairly soon.

I know I need to sit down and speak to him but I just dont know how to approach the issue with him. I just know I cant work against this for the rest of my life, I cant worry every time someone chats me up that he is going to flip. Like how can we ever get married if he still cant trust me?

We had a brief chat today, I told him I need some space and some time to think about me and him. He is very concerned and says he doesnt want to lose me.

annascott

Wife beaters usually start out by being over-protective. He is insecure and paranoid. There will come a time when you won't be able to reason with him and he will start to accuse you of secretly seeing other men. No good will come of this. Get out while you can.

Chucky the tree

annascott wrote: »

Wife beaters usually start out by being over-protective. He is insecure and paranoid. There will come a time when you won't be able to reason with him and he will start to accuse you of secretly seeing other men. No good will come of this. Get out while you can.

:rolleyes: Can I have the lotto numbers next week while your so accurately predicting the future?

Maple

annascott wrote: »

Wife beaters usually start out by being over-protective. He is insecure and paranoid. There will come a time when you won't be able to reason with him and he will start to accuse you of secretly seeing other men. No good will come of this. Get out while you can.

Let's keep the dramatic statements to a minimum please. Further hyperbole will result in infractions/bans

Chucky the tree wrote: »

:rolleyes: Can I have the lotto numbers next week while your so accurately predicting the future?

If you have a problem with a post please report it.

Maple

nesbitt

Honey-ec wrote: »

As Distorted said, controllers use all kinds of excuses to try and explain away their behavior. They tend to be master manipulators, to the point where you end up questioning your own behavior to see if you're somehow at fault. Your partner hasn't gone to my sister's ex's level yet, but what you've described is still setting serious warning bells ringing in my head.

+1
Some may find this hard to believe but very true.

It is a behaviour pattern that gets steadily worse. The behaviour then develops over time into an abusive relationship. In OP's case one major behaviour pattern of an abusive relationship has manifested itself and this will not go away by simply discussing it with the abusive person.

OP has indicated that she has already told her boyfriend that his behaviour really upsets her but the behaviour has continued none the less....

trio

OP, I'll give you the perspective of someone who actually has a partner with a slightly jealous streak but who controls it.

When we go to a bar or club, and I'm up at the bar, and a guy tries it on, my OH will notice (and hate it) but he'll stay sitting where he is. And I'll wave the guy away with a laugh about my partner not being too keen on threesomes, or some such rubbish.

And then I'll get the drinks and go sit down at our table, and I'll see by my OH's face that he saw and he hated it, but he'll squeeze my hand and smile and will help me share out the drinks. And he's over it in that instant and he's laughing and joking just as much as always.

The difference is that a) he doesn't like his jealous streak, considers it irrational, and has conciously decided not to indulge it, and b) he knows I'm a strong country woman and can easily handle annoying come-ons.

Your bf, on the other hand, has decided to act on it. And it's a choice.