Coming out in your 30's

Bristol

Hi Folks,

First post here and this topic may have been dealt with already.

I'm male, in my early 30's and after years of denial finally came out to family and a friend last year. Its been over a year now and I feel that things haven't changed much. My friend, also a work colleague, hasn't really been in a place to discuss it beyond our intial chat and I don't really fancy speaking to family about it. It took a fair bit of courage to come out however I feel now that, if anything, I've only made my life more difficult.

I'm 'straight-acting' (aware of the baggage that term brings as well) - so much so in fact that anyone I've come out to didn't believe me at first. I work in a male dominated environment and haven't felt able to come out there at all. I find the gay scene a bit daunting and simply can't imagine going to somewhere like the George or Pantibar. There are a few support groups for teenagers however I've seen nothing for someone in there 30's.

Anyone experienced this and anyone have any suggestions about how to move on from here?

Cheers,

M.

alexjk

First of all, well done on coming out!

I'm not 100% on the ins and outs but I think there are social groups held in Outhouse http://www.outhouse.ie
I could see why you might find the George daunting for a first visit, but Pantibar is very relaxed and I've always found the bar staff and customers very friendly (provided it's not an extremely busy night of course!). Having browsed the Outhouse website, it seems there is a Men's Night every week, with the next one being held on Friday the 5th of August.

http://outhouse.ie/page44.html

Best of luck:)

Barna77

Congratulations for coming out!

I can relate to you. As my username suggests I'm 34, and even though I've always known I'm gay, the process of coming out only began a few years ago, since the moment I moved to Dublin. Let's say that back home and back then coming out was just unthinkable. But then I was able to lead my own life and it made things way easier for me.

So I began telling my best mates, then other friends, you get the picture. Finally I gathered the courage to tell my folks only last Christmas, and it was fine, no tears, no bitterness, it was all smooth

So while most of the people I know here know about me being gay, most of the people back home and part of my family still don't know. But sometimes i think it's none of their business to know who I'd prefer to sleep with. So far I've got possitive reactions, no one has freaked out.

As for your "straight acting", well, some people couldn't believe it when I came out to them. Or my housemate, for her I'm a straight guy that happens to like men, if that makes sense

Agreed that Dragon or The G can be a bit frightening, or crap. So as said above Pantibar or The Front Lounge are way more relaxed, they are not as much in your face as the other clubs. You can go, have a pint and hey, the love of your life might be there waiting for you

So get out and mingle

Kanoe

30's here too. I don't know if I could have come out in my teens but in a way it's nice that I get to do this now, I feel like I'm at the right age where I know what I really want. The straight thing is funny but that's what I've lived for thirty odd years and probably less inclined to conform because I've been comfortable in myself for just as long. The bar's and people who have been out for years are still alien to me but I just go with the flow now and enjoy myself as much as I can wherever I am. I'm a bit like barna, considered a straight woman who likes women, it's like I missed the gay boat :P but there's a few of us around enough to make it enjoyable.

Norderburse

30's here too. If youre on Facebook theres a relatively new social group for 30 and 40 something Irish gay guys you might like to join!

patrix

There was a sense of deja vu reading this as I also came out in my 30's and spent most of last year working my way through the list of friends and family members to tell.

I felt a bit embarrassed at what I considered coming out so late but I know now that I wouldn't have had the mental strength needed to have come out at a younger age, especially growing up in the North. I'm much more comfortable in my own skin and it sort of feels like an opportunity to reinvent yourself. There is a right time for everything.

For going out and meeting people there's a group on meetup.com called Dublin International Gay Society who meet up in the Morrison Hotel once a month, I've been a couple of times and there's a great crowd of people of all ages and walks of life there.

Would anyone have a link to that group for 30/40 something gay guys on Facebook? I was used to thinking that almost every 2nd guy who posted in this forum was 26 as that age was forever cropping up in various descriptions so it's great to see other 30 somethings.:D

Norderburse

patrix wrote: »

Would anyone have a link to that group for 30/40 something gay guys on Facebook? I was used to thinking that almost every 2nd guy who posted in this forum was 26 as that age was forever cropping up in various descriptions so it's great to see other 30 somethings.:D

Ooops, probably should have included that link in my post, here you go!

http://www.facebook.com/groups/Gayguysireland3040/

patrix

Thanks for that, will check the group out soon.

cgcsb

Hey there. I came out aged 14. And like yourself it was assumed I was obviously lying/joking. I used to play sports up until then, but afterwards that became impossible. The George and the Dragon are big daunting night clubs with lots of loud music. The kind of place you;d go with a gang of friends and a few drinks in ya. Pantibar and The Front Lounge are places you can go for a quiet pint on the gay and have some quiet&comfortable surroundings.

I'd recommend the Front Lounge First because it's a decent size, bright and open. Best of luck with it Mr. I think the gays of boards.ie do meet up every now and then but I've never been. A really great site you should go to is queerid.com. They have regular meet ups for all ages and are quite a friendly bunch, from all over the country and all sorts of backgrounds, myself included.

plein de force

i came out 2 years ago when i was 16 so i can't give advice exactly on your situation but i felt as the amount of people i came out to increased the more i felt relaxed and that things had changed, and i mean coming out to people who matter (in my case immediate family and friends). i think if you come out to more friends etc and people with whom you'll be able to talk to things about the more you'll feel you're moving on and not stuck in the same situation as when you came out.

Good luck