caught sexting :( dumped..want him back

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Bit of background. had a baby recently, got post natal depression. been with the oh for nearly 3 years.

I found myself sexting another guy just for attention, I know i did wrong so do not need people telling me i got what i deserved. My partner dumped me,told me he would never be able to trust me ever again, doesn't love me, cutting me off. I've hurt him so bad and myself.

I've told him since that I am so sorry and am going to do my damndest to reconsider his decision,that im going to show him i am sorry from the bottom of my heart and that our relationship can survive this and i wasn't giving up and that he can throw anything at me and i will take it but i wasn't going to give up on him. He is worth all the tears, I did this and I hope to fix it. I cannot eat properly, can't sleep,can't function.

I just want advice on if I am going around it the right way? I am giving him space and whatever he needs to heal.

any people out there who have forgiven their partner for infidelity or any people who cheated and their relationship survived it, please give me your stories.

Thankyou.

Kevin Duffy

There is no "right" way to go about winning someone's trust back, it's up to them when they're ready to trust you again.

LegacyUser

I was in a similar situation to your partner, I trusted again and 6 months later had it all thrown back in my face for a second time but this time she wasn't caught sexting, instead she was caught by a family member having sex with someone else.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

My advice, leave him alone, set him free.

The damage is done. He isn't willing to be fooled again and there is nothing you can do to get him back.

jimmycrackcorm

Don't give him space! Go after him. Keep letting him know that it was because of your pnt. Persevere and you can win him back. Just don't give up.

Also remind him that we are all human and make mistakes. Everyone deserves a second chance.

Virgil°

Nothing you "do" at this moment can make him want you back. You've just got to let him make his own mind up. Say your piece and leave it at that. Hounding him wont help you.

lace

For him, it's probably not so much not a case of what you do now but what you have already done. You were sexting someone else and this hurt him. If the trust has been broken you have to give him the time and the space to figure out whether or not he can trust you again. You've already let him know you want to make things work and are willing to do whatever you can to fix your relationship so maybe all he needs is time to decide if that's what he wants.

fghijkl

My partner dumped me,told me he would never be able to trust me ever again

OP it's only fair i should state that personally to me cheating is unforgivable, i could never ever trust someone again after, (that's not me judging you, that's me giving you a perspective as to where my advice is coming from).

I wonder if looking for advice from people who would forgive cheating is wise? when clearly your partner is the type of person who has the same mindset as me and many others that cheating is game over end of. ?

Don't give him space! Go after him. Keep letting him know that it was because of your pnt. Persevere and you can win him back. Just don't give up.

Also remind him that we are all human and make mistakes. Everyone deserves a second chance.

For me if you followed this advice and i were your partner it would absolutely confirm in my mind that i was making the right choice in breaking up with you.

Do not play the we are all human and make mistake's card. It's a complete cop out. It's also incredibly selfish. Blaming the complete disrespect you've shown to him on "being human":rolleyes:. You need to accept that you were the one at fault, you need to take complete responsibilty for your own actions, do not blame it on depression or a stupid mistake. He needs to know that you accept responsibility. If he doesn't believe that you have taken responsabilty for your own actions well how is he supposed to ever trust you again? from his point of view you could easily be influenced by some other outside source to cheat again alcohol/having a bad day/another 'mistake'?

Also do not keep nagging him and smothering him. Again it's so so selfish. Why do people nag others? It's entirely for their own benefit, they want something now, they keep nagging and nagging to pressure someone in order to get their own way. Have more respect for him than this. Give him the respect to have his own space to make his own decision with a clear head and without any pressure, at the end of the day it's his decision and his decision alone if he feels he wants to forgive you or not.

OP i really am not judging you but from an outside perspective your post smacks of woe is me, i had pnd (and i'm not belittling this for one second, but at the end of the day, it is only a factor in why you cheated it did not 'make' you cheat), i cant eat, i can't sleep, telling him you're going to keep hounding him until he changes his mind, looking for advice on how to "go the right way around it". It just come's across so very selfish. You need to realise that whatever hurt you feel right now, it's a million times worse on the person who has been cheated on.

I think also it may depend on how your partner found out, did you tell him? or did he find out through a 3rd party? either way you need to tell your partner that the cheating was entirely your own fault, do not blame it on anything else. Tell your partner it will never ever happen again. Tell him you are incredibly sorry. It may even be beneficial for you to see a councellor or someone to discuss your low confidence/ attention seeking problems (your partner may also need to see a sign that you are making steps to ensure that you will never cheat again, that you are taking responsibilty).Most importantly, back off. Give him the respect to make his decision on his own in peace with a clear head. Whatever his final decision is, respect it. If he can't forgive you, then he can't forgive, and no amount of begging/pleading is going to change that.


All the best OP.

I am a friend

If I were him and the girl I just had a baby with was cheating on me, I would not forgive. By you doing this (and PND is no excuse), I would be wondering if I were the kids Dad and this may have opened a whole can of worms in his head that you are not thinking about.

I think, at this stage, you should stop concentrating on guys (either your fling or your ex) and just concentrate on getting better. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

op here,

I am taking responsibility. There's no doubt that i'm blaming it on pnd nor did I tell him im blaming it on that or anything else. That is why i am sticking it out, letting him do whatever he has to do to be happy but showing him too that I am sorry and hopefully we can work through it, I do not expect anything from him at all. He can tell me he hates me,wants to leave etc. and I respect that too because i cannot tell him how to feel.

I asked him should I give up and he said that he just needs space and that's understandable. He said if he leaves he will probably regret it but he has no other option.

I know I have done wrong, but want to fix things, it's probably the biggest mistake i have ever made so am doing my best to be forgiven.

Distorted

It could be that he is wondering whether you are the person he thought you were. In which case you might want to concentrate on proving your worth, as it were, in being a decent, sensible sort of person and showing him that this was an aberration. I also think you need to work out why you did it, as your post reads a little like you are sorry you were caught, not sorry you did it (maybe this is just the way it comes across). Sexting to me is a bit of a desperate bid for attention.

That said, if you've had a baby recently, you might not be quite yourself and might be feeling down about your attractiveness or something. And a one off sexting is hardly enough to dump the mother of your child and entail the child growing up in a single parent home. Its not as if there was any phsyical cheating involved. I think he'd be unreasonable not to forgive you, sure its bad, but its not horrendously bad, but I would try not to come across as too desperate, but rather calm, sorry and in control (ie the sort of person who wouldn't do it again).

miec

Hi Op

As someone who forgave an infidelity in the past (only for them to repeat it) I am not so sure it is a good idea but I am aware that each situation is unique. The thing is that even if your partner takes you back the trust element will never be the same, he will always be wondering when will it happen again and you will be walking on egg shells trying to prove yourself that it will never happen again. I personally feel that the only successful way of overcoming something like this is couples counselling 1) to work out your insecurities and 2) for him to have the space to talk about his hurt and you to properly hear it.

fghijkl

Distorted wrote: »

a one off sexting is hardly enough to dump the mother of your child and entail the child growing up in a single parent home. Its not as if there was any phsyical cheating involved. I think he'd be unreasonable not to forgive you, sure its bad, but its not horrendously bad

With all respect it is not for anyone to decide what is a dumping offence for another. It may not be horrendously bad for you or the OP, but for many others it is enough to completely destroy the trust in a relationship, and in turn the whole relationship. If it is something the OP's partner cannot accept then that is his decision and his right (and who knows maybe he will forgive her). To suggest that he should throw his beliefs out the window and accept a sham relationship with a woman he may be no longer be able to trust "for the sake of the child" is far worse on the child imho. It's better the child have two happy loving parents who are not in a relationship, than two parents who are stuck together out of guilt or a sense of duty who resent each other, far worse for the child imho. He doesn't have to be in a relationship with the child's mother to be a good and loving father.

Also as an aside i think going down the route of using the child to guilt her partner into forgiving her would be a pretty low and unfair thing to do.

Count Duckula

fghijkl wrote: »

With all respect it is not for anyone to decide what is a dumping offence for another. It may not be horrendously bad for you or the OP, but for many others it is enough to completely destroy the trust in a relationship, and in turn the whole relationship. If it is something the OP's partner cannot accept then that is his decision and his right (and who knows maybe he will forgive her). To suggest that he should throw his beliefs out the window and accept a sham relationship with a woman he may be no longer be able to trust "for the sake of the child" is far worse on the child imho. It's better the child have two happy loving parents who are not in a relationship, than two parents who are stuck together out of guilt or a sense of duty who resent each other, far worse for the child imho. He doesn't have to be in a relationship with the child's mother to be a good and loving father.

Also as an aside i think going down the route of using the child to guilt her partner into forgiving her would be a pretty low and unfair thing to do.

Fair enough, but if one's "relationship ending" tolerance is that low to the extent that something like this was likely to end it for good then perhaps one shouldn't be having a long-term commitment with a partner like a child.

Everyone has the right to determine what makes or breaks a relationship for them, and everyone has the right to follow through on that, no matter how delicate the reasons. But if you break up with people at the drop of a hat then don't have kids with them who'll suffer the fallout for the rest of their lives.

IrishEyes19

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Don't give him space! Go after him. Keep letting him know that it was because of your pnt. Persevere and you can win him back. Just don't give up.

Also remind him that we are all human and make mistakes. Everyone deserves a second chance.

Let him know it was because of her post natal depression that she cheated. Not good advice here and I dont think post natal depression is a cause of cheating.

OP, I think if you want to have even a shot again, you need to give him space, and let HIM decide if he wants it too. You dont really have a choice here and If you are in contact I would start by just starting from scratch and saying it was a poor choice, but cut out the "it was the pnd that made me do it." I know depression in all forms is hard and awful, but thats not what he wants to hear right now. I know it doesnt fully feel like it, but he's the victim here and right now you are on egg shells, you need to be fully open with him. why was this persons number in your phone anyway and second why did HE let it go along, did he know you were married. Im not trying to throw blame here, but maybe you should examine your marriage beforehand too. It might help you also to come to some realisation of why this actually happened. Im not saying the depression didnt have an effect, but you cannot blame it totally for your actions

fghijkl

Count Duckula wrote: »

Fair enough, but if one's "relationship ending" tolerance is that low to the extent that something like this was likely to end it for good then perhaps one shouldn't be having a long-term commitment with a partner like a child.

Everyone has the right to determine what makes or breaks a relationship for them, and everyone has the right to follow through on that, no matter how delicate the reasons. But if you break up with people at the drop of a hat then don't have kids with them who'll suffer the fallout for the rest of their lives.

Equally if one was prepared to jeopardize a relationship by sexting another guy just for something as fickle as wanting attention then maybe one shouldn't be having a long term commitment with a partner like a child. If you cheat at the drop of a hat then don't have kids who'll suffer the fallout for the rest of their lives. It works both ways to be honest. They both decided to have the child.

Billy7878

fghijkl wrote: »

Equally if one was prepared to jeopardize a relationship by sexting another guy just for something as fickle as wanting attention then maybe one shouldn't be having a long term commitment with a partner like a child.

in fairness to the OP she never said her partner was like a child and also im sure the partner would not be happy with you saying this, Op go with your heart and do the right thing, then it will all work out and you will live a happy life knowing you made the right moves

Chinafoot

fghijkl wrote: »

Equally if one was prepared to jeopardize a relationship by sexting another guy just for something as fickle as wanting attention then maybe one shouldn't be having a long term commitment with a partner like a child. If you cheat at the drop of a hat then don't have kids who'll suffer the fallout for the rest of their lives. It works both ways to be honest. They both decided to have the child.

That's an amazingly black and white view you have there. Sending texts of a sexual nature to someone who isn't your partner is absolutely out order however, she did not physically cheat. She has identified the reasons why she did what she did and by the sounds of things is prepared to work very hard to fix her relationship.

I don't condone cheating and I certainly don't agree with staying together for the kids, however I think that its very unfair to say that her PND is not a factor here. Whoever says its an excuse clearly has absolutely no experience of it.

The OP was wrong in her behaviour, no doubt. However if she is willing to work on her relationship then I think she should be given another chance. Life isn't black and white and the OP didn't have a physical affair. Influencing factors need to be taken into account here.

OP, you need to give your partner some space to think about things and in the meantime you need to do all you can to show him you want to fix things. I would suggest you make arrangements to see a counsellor and work towards sorting out your PND. Once you feel comfortable in your sessions, and if your partner is open to it, you should then suggest your partner attending your counsellor with you.

Give him some time OP and make sure you get yourself sorted. Being a new mother is extremely tough. Make sure you have support around you.

Chinafoot

Billy7878 wrote: »

fghijkl wrote: »

Equally if one was prepared to jeopardize a relationship by sexting another guy just for something as fickle as wanting attention then maybe one shouldn't be having a long term commitment with a partner like a child.

in fairness to the OP she never said her partner was like a child and also im sure the partner would not be happy with you saying this, Op go with your heart and do the right thing, then it will all work out and you will live a happy life knowing you made the right moves

Perhaps read the sentence again? The poster is referring to the new baby as the 'long-term commitment.'

fghijkl

Chinafoot wrote: »

That's an amazingly black and white view you have there. Sending texts of a sexual nature to someone who isn't your partner is absolutely out order however, she did not physically cheat. She has identified the reasons why she did what she did and by the sounds of things is prepared to work very hard to fix her relationship.

That was kinda my point tbh (i was rephrasing another posters post) surely it's as equally a black and white view to say that because she didn't actually physically cheat (or that because they have a child together) that she should automatically be forgiven? and that if he doesn't forgive her for something so "minor" then he's being unreasonable

The OP was wrong in her behaviour, no doubt. However if she is willing to work on her relationship then I think she should be given another chance. Life isn't black and white and the OP didn't have a physical affair.

Exactly life isn't black and white, If he feel's that this is enough for him not to be able to trust the OP again, that's his call. He doesn't have to give her a second chance. She isn't "owed" a second chance.

At the end of the day the only person who will decide the fate of the relationship is the OP's partner, but if he chooses to end it he shouldn't be made out to be some unreasonable, home wrecking villian. He's entitled to not want to forgive cheating however minor some may feel it is.

Chinafoot

fghijkl wrote: »

Chinafoot wrote: »

That's an amazingly black and white view you have there. Sending texts of a sexual nature to someone who isn't your partner is absolutely out order however, she did not physically cheat. She has identified the reasons why she did what she did and by the sounds of things is prepared to work very hard to fix her relationship.

That was kinda my point tbh (i was rephrasing another posters post) surely it's as equally a black and white view to say that because she didn't actually physically cheat (or that because they have a child together) that she should automatically be forgiven? and that if he doesn't forgive her for something so "minor" then he's being unreasonable

The OP was wrong in her behaviour, no doubt. However if she is willing to work on her relationship then I think she should be given another chance. Life isn't black and white and the OP didn't have a physical affair.

Exactly life isn't black and white, If he feel's that this is enough for him not to be able to trust the OP again, that's his call. He doesn't have to give her a second chance. She isn't "owed" a second chance.

At the end of the day the only person who will decide the fate of the relationship is the OP's partner, but if he chooses to end it he shouldn't be made out to be some unreasonable, home wrecking villian. He's entitled to not want to forgive cheating however minor some may feel it is.

Nobody has said she's entitled to forgiveness at all. From your point of view its an unforgivable offence and a very real, debilitating illness shouldn't be taken into account because as far as you're concerned what she did is the same as actually having sex with someone. That's you. We get it. Not everyone sees things in such an extreme way. The OP has asked for advice on getting her relationship back.

Your advice appears to be nothing more than telling the OP to forget her relationship because she f*cked it up. She's a woman with a new baby, suffering from PND, who made a mistake. It must be amazing to be so perfect that you would never make such a mistake. For all we know her partner has been completely unsupportive since the baby was born, has made her feel neglected, unattractive, etc. We have no idea whats gone on in their relationship and we have no idea if he feels that there is no come back. You feel that way but clearly not everyone does. To have the view of 'you cheated, let him go' seems like an enormous knee-jerk reaction to hurtful behaviour that has a very obvious cause. I don't see how its in any way helpful to the OP tbh.

fghijkl

Chinafoot wrote: »

Nobody has said she's entitled to forgiveness at all. From your point of view its an unforgivable offence and a very real, debilitating illness shouldn't be taken into account because as far as you're concerned what she did is the same as actually having sex with someone. That's you. We get it. Not everyone sees things in such an extreme way. The OP has asked for advice on getting her relationship back.

Your advice appears to be nothing more than telling the OP to forget her relationship because she f*cked it up. She's a woman with a new baby, suffering from PND, who made a mistake. It must be amazing to be so perfect that you would never make such a mistake. For all we know her partner has been completely unsupportive since the baby was born, has made her feel neglected, unattractive, etc. We have no idea whats gone on in their relationship and we have no idea if he feels that there is no come back. You feel that way but clearly not everyone does. To have the view of 'you cheated, let him go' seems like an enormous knee-jerk reaction to hurtful behaviour that has a very obvious cause. I don't see how its in any way helpful to the OP tbh.

wow :eek: what on earth is with the needless aggression? talk about seeing what you want to see...and putting words in my mouth lol

* From your point of view its an unforgivable offence and a very real, debilitating illness shouldn't be taken into account because as far as you're concerned what she did is the same as actually having sex with someone.

I said yes the depression may have been a factor in her cheating but it didn't 'make her cheat'. Avoiding responsibilty is not going to do her any favours in trying to save her relationship.
Where did i say what she did was the same as having sex? I'd love to know:rolleyes:

* Your advice appears to be nothing more than telling the OP to forget her relationship because she f*cked it up. She's a woman with a new baby, suffering from PND, who made a mistake. It must be amazing to be so perfect that you would never make such a mistake.
where did i say she should forget her relationship? Nowhere.
Where did i say that i had never made a mistake? Nowhere
Yes she made a mistake all i told her was to take responsibility for her mistake. :rolleyes: shocking i know....

* To have the view of 'you cheated, let him go' seems like an enormous knee-jerk reaction to hurtful behaviour that has a very obvious cause.
What .... just what? :rolleyes:where did i say she should let him go?
I said she should give him space to reach a decision without pressuring him, that's hardly letting him go.

I don't see how its in any way helpful to the OP tbh.

Irony.

tan11ie

You need to give him some space op and have a good think about why you were doing this.....what's missing from the relationship? are you sure about what you want?

I've been the party on the reciving end so i know how your partner feels! and tbh i wouldn't be able to put it into words! unfortunately i forgave too many times to the point i lost respect for my partner and myself.

You need open communication for a lasting relationship ....keep that in mind.

Taltos

OP from your partner's perspective he has caught you in a very serious lie. Think about it a moment, the mother of his child his intentionally lied to his face. He has no way of knowing the limit of your deceit.

I think you need to give him the space he needs. You might slowly rebuild his trust but there are no guarantees. Instead focus on being the best mum you can be, get treatment for the pnd and show all that you are in control of your life. Do not play any games around visitation...

Also as much as it hurts be prepared for what could happen next, he may go to extremes here and demand a paternity test. Actually to me this would be a logical next step by any guy. Think about it, he doesn't trust you now so in his mind could you have lied about more than the texts.

You can't force him to trust you, but you can start by regaining his respect. Hope it works out for you all.

Distorted

Wow - its a bit of a jump from some sexting to a paternity test - it seems to miss out the important step of actually having sex with another man, which the OP hasn't mentioned. Likewise, saying its going to happen multiple times because others have had experience of it happening again seems to be jumping the gun.

I stand by my opinion that it would be harsh to dump the mother of your child over sexting. Its not as bad as actually sleeping with another person. I'm not saying its bad (personally I think its attention seeking and vile) but its not so bad that it would be without question a dumpable offence for all. And to be honest OP, if your partner is so unforgiving over this, then you would be wondering how he would react in other occasions where the relationship was put under stress, such as serious illness, unemployment, family bereavement, etc.. Of course your relationship has been put under stress - by you having a baby.

OP, if he is using this as an excuse to leave you in the lurch, I think you will soon come to realise that someone so rigidly unforgiving/unsupportive isn't the greatest loss anyway.

I'm often amazed with stories of what people will put up with in relationships. In other words, you can get over things if you are enough in love with the other person and prepared to work at it, which is pretty much the standard bearer for all relationships. There are men and women that bring up other people's babies as their own, for example, but that involves putting the needs of others before your own and making a decision to get over something.

Taltos

Distorted wrote: »

Wow - its a bit of a jump from some sexting to a paternity test - it seems to miss out the important step of actually having sex with another man, which the OP hasn't mentioned. Likewise, saying its going to happen multiple times because others have had experience of it happening again seems to be jumping the gun.

You missed the point.
She has LIED to him about sexting.
In his mind we have to consider that right now he is wondering - "What else has she lied to me about? Was our whole relationship a lie???"

Maple

Taltos wrote: »

You missed the point.
She has LIED to him about sexting.
In his mind we have to consider that right now he is wondering - "What else has she lied to me about? Was our whole relationship a lie???"

No, she hasn't lied to him about sexting. She was texting this other man inappropriately, she was caught out and in both posts she has made on this thread she has admitted full culpability. She hasn't been sexting and lying about it at all, you're choosing to read into that yourself.

Also lets try and deal with the situation at hand, the OP's boyfriend hasn't demanded a paternity test so let's not make the suggestion that it's the first thing on his mind either.

Wompa1

Distorted wrote: »

Wow - its a bit of a jump from some sexting to a paternity test - it seems to miss out the important step of actually having sex with another man, which the OP hasn't mentioned. Likewise, saying its going to happen multiple times because others have had experience of it happening again seems to be jumping the gun.

I stand by my opinion that it would be harsh to dump the mother of your child over sexting. Its not as bad as actually sleeping with another person. I'm not saying its bad (personally I think its attention seeking and vile) but its not so bad that it would be without question a dumpable offence for all. And to be honest OP, if your partner is so unforgiving over this, then you would be wondering how he would react in other occasions where the relationship was put under stress, such as serious illness, unemployment, family bereavement, etc.. Of course your relationship has been put under stress - by you having a baby.

OP, if he is using this as an excuse to leave you in the lurch, I think you will soon come to realise that someone so rigidly unforgiving/unsupportive isn't the greatest loss anyway.

I'm often amazed with stories of what people will put up with in relationships. In other words, you can get over things if you are enough in love with the other person and prepared to work at it, which is pretty much the standard bearer for all relationships. There are men and women that bring up other people's babies as their own, for example, but that involves putting the needs of others before your own and making a decision to get over something.

But at the same time saying that you don't really know how the relationship was before that. Maybe with PND, he was left to a lot of the work and maybe he was very supportive etc. I could imagine her having PND would also be very taxing on him, it's bad for her but it's not walk in the park for the partner either.

I could imagine if he was supportive, assuming he was since the OP seems to love him so much. Then it would make it all the worse that she would betray him like she has. It's not like they were casually going out for a few months and she text some other guy. This guy has most likely put a lot of effort into the relationship, only for it to be tainted and dashed by her actions.

Maybe he will be open to trusting her again but to say him not forgiving her is a sign that it's a fault in him is a bit much

starlit

You probably did it out of boredom and to pass the time I suppose. You wanted attention but it wasn't the right way to go about it. If anything you should have been getting attention from your partner. It takes a while for someone to trust someone who has done something like that. Don't be too hard on yourself and your partner, he will come back when he is ready, afterall you both have a baby together, surely he could understand. Post natal depression is not easy to deal with. He should be more considerate and help out. Maybe go to see someone like a counsellor might help you and might allow you not to stray so easily. Having someone to talk to is very important. Hope it works out for you OP.

Wompa1

doovdela wrote: »

You probably did it out of boredom and to pass the time I suppose. You wanted attention but it wasn't the right way to go about it. If anything you should have been getting attention from your partner. It takes a while for someone to trust someone who has done something like that. Don't be too hard on yourself and your partner, he will come back when he is ready, afterall you both have a baby together, surely he could understand. Post natal depression is not easy to deal with. He should be more considerate and help out. Maybe go to see someone like a counsellor might help you and might allow you not to stray so easily. Having someone to talk to is very important. Hope it works out for you OP.

She hasn't said he wasn't supportive, as for the attention thing, what if he was working hard to support her and the child?.

Nothing justifies cheating, whether it be sex, kissing or an inappropriate relationship with somebody else. If she wanted attention she could get a dog or a cat, talk to friends or even if she wanted chat to guys or girls socially rather than flirting.

starlit

Wompa1 wrote: »

She hasn't said he wasn't supportive, as for the attention thing, what if he was working hard to support her and the child?.

Nothing justifies cheating, whether it be sex, kissing or an inappropriate relationship with somebody else. If she wanted attention she could get a dog or a cat, talk to friends or even if she wanted chat to guys or girls socially rather than flirting.

Ya she hasn't stated so. I agree with you whether its sex, kissing or inappropriate relationship with someone else would be considered cheating. Regarding Kissing depends on the context and situation. Sex well men can detach that from love while a woman its different but (for fun also). Its fine say if you are single and not in a relationship, have a few strings attached/sexting and so on but at the same time PND is not excuse but still its not easy looking after a child when a mother has PND its a very difficult time for both the mother and her partner. Ya I see what you mean, she could just chat to her friends or be social without flirting or get a pet. I would actually consider someone going on a dating website a touch and go, if it was out of boredom but no flirting is fine but flirting and leading other people on then I would consider that cheating.

Then again would posting random messages on social networking sites to random people of the opposite sex they don't know appropriate? Especially if the messages looked innocent but add a hint of flirting and adds 'x's at the end of the message is that deemed unacceptable? I believe it is but is it the same thing as sexting?

Wompa1

doovdela wrote: »

Ya she hasn't stated so. I agree with you whether its sex, kissing or inappropriate relationship with someone else would be considered cheating. Regarding Kissing depends on the context and situation. Sex well men can detach that from love while a woman its different but (for fun also). Its fine say if you are single and not in a relationship, have a few strings attached/sexting and so on but at the same time PND is not excuse but still its not easy looking after a child when a mother has PND its a very difficult time for both the mother and her partner. Ya I see what you mean, she could just chat to her friends or be social without flirting or get a pet. I would actually consider someone going on a dating website a touch and go, if it was out of boredom but no flirting is fine but flirting and leading other people on then I would consider that cheating.

Then again would posting random messages on social networking sites to random people of the opposite sex they don't know appropriate? Especially if the messages looked innocent but add a hint of flirting and adds 'x's at the end of the message is that deemed unacceptable? I believe it is but is it the same thing as sexting?

I don't know. I seem to be a freak of sorts. In that I use to talk to strangers online while in a relationship and things never got sexual. In fact the only times it did was when I'd ask opinions on matters regarding my own relationship. My ex did find it inappropriate though so I stopped. I have a clear conscience as I know I didn't do anything but perhaps she thinks I did. But if she was caught actually sexting...then it's more than just a blah blah blah, today I went to blah, what did you do.

I've said it before, my alternative to that chatting stuff now is Boards.

Taltos

Maple wrote: »

No, she hasn't lied to him about sexting. She was texting this other man inappropriately, she was caught out and in both posts she has made on this thread she has admitted full culpability. She hasn't been sexting and lying about it at all, you're choosing to read into that yourself.

Also lets try and deal with the situation at hand, the OP's boyfriend hasn't demanded a paternity test so let's not make the suggestion that it's the first thing on his mind either.

What? She turned around and said "oh today I think I will sext another bloke honey?" Don't think so Maple - do agree with you that the texting was inappropriate, but saying nothing is still lying. It does stand to her favour that she was honest after the fact - but again - looking at this from his perspective - how can he know that now, since he has caught her in a lie - would it not be fair to assume that he has to doubt anything she tells him?

Maybe I did go a tad far on the paternity testing, just because it is the first thing that jumped to my mind, hopefully he will not think along similar lines and doubt that part of their relationship too.

Either way my original suggestion to just giving him some space stands - crowding him now will just add pressure to an already tense situation.

LegacyUser

Coming from the other side...

My OH was sexting another woman. I broke up with my OH as a result of his betrayal. I stayed with him for two weeks after I found out but I just couldn't get over the fact that he had betrayed me in such a way. He insists it wasn't cheating because he wasn't with any one physically. But the fact that he tried to justify and make excuses for his behaviour made me realise that we both have different boundaries relationship wise.

The break from him was the best thing for me to do. When you discover that somebody has done this on you, it comes as a huge shock. I felt our relationship was good enough and there should have been no need to find thrills elsewhere. It demeans the relationship that you believed you had. Its humiliating. It also makes you wonder what would happen if your OH was to meet this person for real. If they could get away with sending each other inappropriate texts, the physical step is not too far away. You are building a sexual chemistry with somebody unbeknownst to your loyal and faithful partner. Fine sext away....but only if your partner is ok with that....Otherwise it is deceitful and it is cheating.

OP I wouldn't put your OH under any pressure. You asked him 'should I give up?' Thats putting pressure on him and it would make me feel like I was getting an ultimatum even though I hadn't committed the crime. My ex gave me space. We needed the break. Its two months now, enough for me to know I do miss him, but also enough for me to have built up my own strength and confidence again.

He has told me this weekend that he really misses me. I want to get back with him but I am so nervous so I think I need more time. I would advise you to give him space and time but as have you have done already, let him know you made a mistake and you will never do it again. Tell him that you would be devastated if he had done that to you, and thank him for even considering to stay with you, when its clear he has been really hurt.

And good luck.....:)

LegacyUser

Okay, so you obviously know you did wrong. Although what you did was bad, at least you didn't cheat.

You have lost his trust. I know if I discovered my girlfriend was doing that I'd wonder if she is cheating, still wants to be with me and if I'm still good enough for her. I'm sure it is a mixture of emotions. So it's more than a lost of trust; it's a lot of anger and sadness.

Trust takes a while to build up. It may take a long time. If you really love him and can't function without him then you get him back. Don't be in his face and beg and beg. Talk to him. Come in under the radar. Even show him this post. If you believe you have learnt from this then tell him. If you have just realised what you had and now you can't believe it's gone then tell him.

If you get him back then I wish you the best with your relationship and hope you have learnt from this.

I am a friend

You haven explained why you actually did it in the first place? Something must have been missing in the relationship so what has changed?

Why are you now happy with your ex? Are you sure it won't happen again.

LegacyUser

I did it for attention. My body was all different after the baby and was/is one of the main contributors to my pnd, my partner isn't vocal all that much and had talked to him previously about my body and how I was feeling but nothing changed. I was pressuring him and myself too much
I realise I have to change my thoughts and love myself first before I give and feel the love back.

It was in arguing about the sexting that I realised how much he does love me and how much he does care. How much petty arguing we had been doing and nothing changed.

Now I know the changes that I had/have to make. and there is no way i'd ever do this again, ever. Looking back I seriously wonder why I was so stupid to do it, instead of addressing the issue properly I seeked outside attention.

I know I didn't physically have sex with this man but what I did was very wrong. If I did this to him I would probably react the same way as my partner. But if he really was sorry then I would seriously consider forgiving him. how I'd go about it I wouldn't know.

Today we had a good day. We went out shopping and he bought us lunch and we are talking.
He is making a good effort to engage conversation in anything he wants to talk about, even about the future in a 'we' view, which is a start I guess.
When I try to talk about things, he seems resentful and gets snappy in his responses or one word answers.. Which I am not complaining about right now or expect anything more.

LegacyUser

It is all about the definition of “cheating”

Personally, I think sexting someone you don’t even know is a pretty minor thing.

Sure, it hurts if the other partner learns about it. But I find it quite harmless otherwise, to be honest.

So would it be cheating if…
----
- Someone watches a film drooling over a handsome actor?

- Someone puts sexy/provocative clothes + makeup for a night with the girls, and attracts lots of male looks?

- Someone masturbates thinking of another guy other than their partner?

- Someone flirts with a shopkeeper / waiter / work colleague?
(these are all fantasies, as well as the texting)

- Someone lies about how they spent their money? (let’s say she bought lots of clothes in her husband’s credit card, but said it was to pay for the dentist)

----
These are all mild forms of lying / cheating imo, and they are also things a lot of people do every day.

Each one chooses their deal-breakers, but personally, OP, I think he is making it sound bigger than it is.

It has to be seen in context: what kind of person are you? If you have always been honest, supportive, etc, then he should get over it.

Remind him that you were always a good person in everything else, and it’s unfair to break up just because of a little slip.

If it had been the case that you were a person who lies all the time, is horrible to him, etc, then maybe he could be right about his attitudes.

Best of luck

PS. And yes, girls do flirt / sex-text and want attention when their self-esteem is low (it’s not that conscious, “ah, I feel like s*hit, I need attention, I am going to find someone… “ . Having a baby AND a depression don’t really help anyone’s self-esteem

helimachoptor

As said I think it comes down to the persons involved and their definition of cheating, if I was the ops partner I'd be rightly annoyed especially after just having a baby together I mean if she's doing it then what else has she done etc etc. But on saying that most guys will know women can be a bit all over the place after a baby so i think I could work on it, but it will take time.

LegacyUser

yourusernameyourusername wrote: »

It has to be seen in context: what kind of person are you? If you have always been honest, supportive, etc, then he should get over it.

Remind him that you were always a good person in everything else, and it’s unfair to break up just because of a little slip.

Hi Op

Just some advice from someone who is going through what your boyfriend is going through. If you want him back...

Do not tell him - he should get over it
- it's unfair to break up with you over a little slip.

You would be completely trivialising his feelings. ANd trivialising the depth of your betrayal

But reading through your last post, I can see that you really are remorseful. I hope it works out for you. You will need to be patient. It looks like your boyfriend is trying too so you obviously do really love one another. The fact that you are trying to talk about it with him is a good thing. I think it shows that you are not dismissing his feelings. If he snaps at you, its because he's hurt.

I know this isn't helpful...but what the hell was some guy sexting a woman who had just had a baby for? Stay away from that guy who was sexting you. He obviously does not care about you. You are vulnerable when you've just had a baby. Did the man know you were a new mother? If he did, what a creep! And let your boyfriend know that you have cut all contact with the guy.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't trivilise what I did. The fact is that he is deeply hurt and betrayed, and if he feels that I have done so then it is what it is, and it's what it feels like to him at the end of the day.
I have let him know I am deeply sorry and giving him his space but letting him know i'm here and ready if he ever wants to forgive.
He has said he's going to do this and that (cut off my phone,move out etc) but none of that has happened. I told him to give it time, the feelings are still raw. He also said that if he thought that we were heading back toward a relationship he is gone but he isn't.

Yes the man knew I had had a baby recently.All contact has been cut, I feel sick thinking about him and the whole thing.

Distorted

yourusernameyourusername wrote: »

Each one chooses their deal-breakers, but personally, OP, I think he is making it sound bigger than it is.

Thats my feeling too. Its a form of cheating, but its not as bad as having sex with another man, or meeting them regularly for dates. Its at the lower end of cheating and what you are screaming out loud and clear here is that you were desperate for attention and reassurance that you were still attractive after having a baby. In other words, it was the attention you were seeking, not the physical act of cheating - would you have gone through with actually meeting up with and sleeping with this man? If not, then I'd really distinguish it from physcial cheating as pure attention seeking.

And to be honest, after having a baby, he should be making sure your needs are met and making you feel good about yourself - sounds as though you warned him how you felt and he didn't respond.

Right now, your boyfriend will be hurt and probably in shock, but there comes a stage where if the relationship is retrieavable, he is going to have to make some effort to get over it. I don't think sulking for years and making your life a misery because of some texts is credible.

fghijkl

Distorted wrote: »

And to be honest, after having a baby, he should be making sure your needs are met and making you feel good about yourself - sounds as though you warned him how you felt and he didn't respond.

Right now, your boyfriend will be hurt and probably in shock, but there comes a stage where if the relationship is retrieavable, he is going to have to make some effort to get over it. I don't think sulking for years and making your life a misery because of some texts is credible.

Jeebus i've heard everything now .:rolleyes:
Riiigghhht so she warned her partner that she feeling unattractive and he didn't do anything about it, so her cheating is therefore justified and perfectly understandable? and that he's to blame really because he didn't give her enough attention?! please tell me i'm reading that wrong, because that's exactly what it sounds like?.....I've never heard anything more manipulative.

also sulking? come on. making her life a misery. what has she done to his life at the moment eh? Lets call a spade a spade here, The man found his partner of 3 years, the mother of his child, sending erotic texts, describing in explicit detail, every single thing she was going to do to satisfy another man sexually, and how she was going to do it. She may have even sent another man pictures of intimate parts of her body for all we know. He may have sent her explicit pictures of himself. There was a real person at the other end of that phone, getting off on what she was texting him. Her partner is not sulking he is understandably deeply hurt and feeling completely disrespected and betrayed.

OP contrary to what other posters seem to think i am genuinely happy for you, it sounds like your partner does want to forgive and is slowly coming to terms with things in his own head, sounds like you're on the right track, keep doing what you're doing and give him plenty of space, but OP in months/years to come for the love of god do not trivialise his feelings in the way the above poster has. Do not blame the cheating on him for not giving you enough attention, because if ever there was a way to loose him for good - that's it.

It may also be of benefit to you to read some of the responses in the other thread about the woman who caught her husband cheating, it's very interesting how different the responses are when it's a man a fault. It might give you another perspective on things maybe.

I'm going to bow out of this thread now, some of the attitudes expressed are just mind boggling to me.

Genuinely all the best OP, really hope both you and your partner get things back on track

Chinafoot

fghijkl wrote: »

She may have even sent another man pictures of intimate parts of her body for all we know.

Yeah...a woman suffering from PND who feels her body has changed so much that she feels so unattractive is going to be sending pictures of her tits to someone. :rolleyes:

OP, I'm delighted to hear that yourself and your partner are moving forward. You sound like you're taking the right approach in moving very slowly. You need to give him time to come to terms with what you did and why you did it.

I would, again, strongly recommend that you see a counsellor. Not only will it help you massively with your PND (which you really can't leave untreated. These things don't just go away by themselves) but it will show your partner that you are serious about wanting to get better and that you don't want to end up back in that place where you would do something stupid like this again.

Keep the lines of communication open at all time. Be open and honest about how you feel and work together to get things back on track.

All the best!

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

I think where on the severity scale we put what you did is largely irrelevant - it's entirely down to your partner what THEY view as cheating and where they put the line in terms of deal breaker.

I've had PND and I don't think it justifies or even gives reason for cheating and if I were you I'd give that a WIDE berth in terms of making excuses - if fact, I'd give the making excuses a wide berth period as discounting apologies is bound to just rile him further. While I think being unhappy in a relationship can make getting involved with a third party a more attractive proposition, ultimately actually getting involved is very much a concious choice and deliberate act.

I think apologies and patience is the way to go and if/when it's determined that your relationship is going to survive, then you sit down and discuss the issues that drove a wedge between you in the first instance - perhaps you might ask that he attend relationship counselling and with some mediation you can both discuss the issues that culminated in the sexting so you can both work towards having the kind of relationship you each want.

All the very best.

Distorted

fghijkl wrote: »

Jeebus i've heard everything now .:rolleyes:
Riiigghhht so she warned her partner that she feeling unattractive and he didn't do anything about it, so her cheating is therefore justified and perfectly understandable? and that he's to blame really because he didn't give her enough attention?! please tell me i'm reading that wrong, because that's exactly what it sounds like?.....I've never heard anything more manipulative.

also sulking? come on. making her life a misery. what has she done to his life at the moment eh? Lets call a spade a spade here, The man found his partner of 3 years, the mother of his child, sending erotic texts, describing in explicit detail, every single thing she was going to do to satisfy another man sexually, and how she was going to do it. She may have even sent another man pictures of intimate parts of her body for all we know. He may have sent her explicit pictures of himself. There was a real person at the other end of that phone, getting off on what she was texting him. Her partner is not sulking he is understandably deeply hurt and feeling completely disrespected and betrayed.

Well, this was really on the basis that I've read on here a number of times that if one party to a relationship is refusing to have sex often enough, the other is almost entitled to cheat. So I assumed a similar guideline would apply here, but it seems that sexting (whatever that encompasses, photos or not) is treated more seriously.

Maple

Distorted wrote: »

Well, this was really on the basis that I've read on here a number of times that if one party to a relationship is refusing to have sex often enough, the other is almost entitled to cheat. So I assumed a similar guideline would apply here, but it seems that sexting (whatever that encompasses, photos or not) is treated more seriously.

Distorted/fghijkl , this bickering about general opinions held by you both about PI is really of no benefit to the OP.

Maple