help

thecookingapple

Hi piggyinthemiddle123

I am having the same kind of problem as you and wondered if you could give me some advice.

I met a man nine years ago, he said I was the one but sadly through no fault of my own I was attacked and he seems to have held this against me and my friends, I don’t think I got much sympathy or support from him and even trying to talk to him about this was really difficult and he couldn’t deal with it even though I felt at the time I needed my bf to be there for me to make sense of it all and to help me get through it, I just have this thought in the back of my mind that he uses it against me to manipulate me into helping him and supporting him in anyway he wants without me being able to break free from this warped grasp of a relationship we seem to have, I have helped him financially, emotionally and have been there in every step behind him as he faced very difficult times regarding failed business, sheriffs and gaining a degree.

I have bought him a car and am currently helping to do a website for him and have kind of put my life on hold as he is my one, but I worry that he is only using me to get his life in order and to help him achieve this, we face a few more years in real hardship and cannot at this moment afford to live together or think about a future because of the fall out financially from his failed businesses even though he has money that could potentially solve all his own debt problems so we could tomorrow start afresh and plan and at least save as a committed couple for our future, when ever I try to voice my concerns he brings my bad memories of my attack and kind of implies that its was my fault or at least my friends fault, I feel like he thinks I am damaged goods but if this is the case then why stay with me nine years? And why take my love, my friendship and my huge emotional and financial support? If I do something wrong like a silly mistake then I get punished and he demands I do something good for him or he wont speak to me or he brings up my attack and it feels like a sharp knife going through a old wound, I am lost but I also know that looking at it rationally that I will survive on my own, I mean where he failed I was the one who took the bull by the horns and started fixing those failures of his and I know I showed great strength of character and will doing those things but in my bf eyes I am not good enough and I am not sure I ever will be good enough for him or is it just a case that he is a leech and he is emotionally black mailing me into sorting out his affairs and keeping me hanging around in hope while he takes and takes and takes and I never really receive, if this was a friend of mine asking me about this I would be horrified and I would tell her to leave this person and he will never be good enough for her but I just have not got the strength to do this because of the effort and time I have put into this relationship even though its been one sided, I mean I can see that I should not be with a man who has no empathy, support or love for me because of what happed to me but I just cant break this chain, please tell me what you would do in this situation.

Thank you

Ickle Magoo

Hi there,

I've given you your own thread so the replies in the other thread are only for the person who started it.

Cheers.

Kevin Duffy

thecookingapple wrote: »

I met a man nine years ago, he said I was the one but sadly through no fault of my own I was attacked and he seems to have held this against me and my friends, I don’t think I got much sympathy or support from him and even trying to talk to him about this was really difficult and he couldn’t deal with it even though I felt at the time I needed my bf to be there for me to make sense of it all and to help me get through it, I just have this thought in the back of my mind that he uses it against me to manipulate me into helping him and supporting him in anyway he wants without me being able to break free from this warped grasp of a relationship we seem to have, I have helped him financially, emotionally and have been there in every step behind him as he faced very difficult times regarding failed business, sheriffs and gaining a degree.

I have bought him a car and am currently helping to do a website for him and have kind of put my life on hold as he is my one, but I worry that he is only using me to get his life in order and to help him achieve this, we face a few more years in real hardship and cannot at this moment afford to live together or think about a future because of the fall out financially from his failed businesses even though he has money that could potentially solve all his own debt problems so we could tomorrow start afresh and plan and at least save as a committed couple for our future, when ever I try to voice my concerns he brings my bad memories of my attack and kind of implies that its was my fault or at least my friends fault, I feel like he thinks I am damaged goods but if this is the case then why stay with me nine years? And why take my love, my friendship and my huge emotional and financial support? If I do something wrong like a silly mistake then I get punished and he demands I do something good for him or he wont speak to me or he brings up my attack and it feels like a sharp knife going through a old wound, I am lost but I also know that looking at it rationally that I will survive on my own, I mean where he failed I was the one who took the bull by the horns and started fixing those failures of his and I know I showed great strength of character and will doing those things but in my bf eyes I am not good enough and I am not sure I ever will be good enough for him or is it just a case that he is a leech and he is emotionally black mailing me into sorting out his affairs and keeping me hanging around in hope while he takes and takes and takes and I never really receive,

The bolded bits are abuse - blaming, punishing, emotional blackmail, looking down on you. I'm sure you know it's possible to abuse someone without any physical violence.

thecookingapple wrote: »

if this is the case then why stay with me nine years? And why take my love, my friendship and my huge emotional and financial support?

Him staying is not evidence that he's committed to you. For 9 years you've filled so many of his needs - healthy and unhealthy ones - why would he leave? More to the point, after 9 years, do you really think he'll change? I doubt it, he's been horrible to you and you've let him away with it.

thecookingapple wrote: »

if this was a friend of mine asking me about this I would be horrified and I would tell her to leave this person and he will never be good enough for her but I just have not got the strength to do this because of the effort and time I have put into this relationship even though its been one sided, I mean I can see that I should not be with a man who has no empathy, support or love for me because of what happed to me but I just cant break this chain, please tell me what you would do in this situation.

Do I need to point out that you've answered your own question?

Distorted

He sounds totally unsupportive and a complete user, as well as mentally abusive. Just leave him. The relationship is going nowhere and it sounds like you would lose nothing except a bad habit. I wonder though whether the attack has made you adopt a kind of victim mentality as a defence mechanism? FWIW blaming someone for being attacked sounds more like how the Taleban punish women who are raped for adultery and it has no place in any modern, civilised society such as Ireland.

This guy is a total user. You on the other hand sound extremely vulnerable and emotionally upset, which is unsurprising given your history. I suspect after a short period of adjustment you would feel much better on your own, making your own decisions and doing the things that are best for you. You need to act stronger than you are currently doing though to succeed.

Esoteric_

I'm gonna keep this short if I can because you've gotten some great advice already, which I won't repeat.

I was attacked before I met my ex. My ex knew this and used severe emotional abuse to make me feel even worse about being attacked. It was only when we broke up that I realised what a healthy relationship was like and how much your own mental health improves in one.

You and your friends did NOTHING to cause you to be attacked. NOBODY should be attacked and you didn't want it so it was not your fault.

You've already given this man nine years. Don't throw away any more of your life on someone who makes you feel so badly and think so little of yourself. Run, and don't look back.