Very confused..

LLcoolJ27

Hi all
I've been in a relationship for two years now and things are going great. However, there's times when I'm having discussions with my girlfriend that really shouldn't be. Like for instance, conversations that we have that I don't know where they come from. For instance, in the past she broke up with people via text message and never saw them again. She changed her number and left the country. She says she doesn't want to face them as it causes humilation, tears and drama on both sides so she does it the easiest way. I said it shows lack of respect doing this and I wouldn't do it this way as it's too easy and at least have the common decency to face the person. That way, there is closure even though there's no really nice way of doing it. Obviously It wouldn't have come from nowhere.
But there's just things that haven't added up in the past. I had one photo of myself and my ex, she found it and she went mad asking why was did I still have it, why was it moved, (I moved it out of cloakroom into my wardrobe to get it out of the way). It's like everyone has things from their past, it didn't mean anything and I know this myself.
Then last night a conversation came up about what I'd like the next person that I'm with to be like. It wasn't a conversation I ever thought I'd be having with anyone that I'm with, but it was purely 'hypothetical'. The person she described was nothing like me, in fact completely opposite. I guess noone is alike in all ways anyway. I'm just very confused now at this point and thinking seriously about the whole thing. Things have come up in the past but nothing like this. Does anyone think this is completely weird and out of order? Or is this just me? I think she's constantly trying to push buttons because of her own insecurities but in fact it's pushing me further and further away. She thinks I'm way too serious where in fact I am very career focused and not going from job to job like her.
Maybe we're very different altogether and I'm wasting my time? Who can tell me what they honestly think about this? I don't want to be wasting any more time with this if these kind of conversations keep coming up wrecking my head.
Any opinions welcome! Be Honest, I need it at this stage!

Chinafoot

Hi Op,

God that all sounds like a total headwreck! After two years together in what you obviously consider to be a committed relationship, asking questions like 'what do you want your next girlfriend to be like?' is completely out of order. To then go on and describe her next boyfriend as being completely unlike you is really cruel behaviour. She can't possibly be so clueless to think that, firstly, a conversation like that isnt utterly bizarre, and secondly, that her description of this fictional man isn't going to wreck your head and make you very insecure as to her feelings towards you and the relationship in general.

Her past behaviour shows her to be incredibly immature. If she is unable to end a relationship like an adult then she is clearly unable to conduct a relationship like an adult. After those horrible conversations you've had with her you probably know this yourself. Moving country to avoid having to deal with a break up is mental!

She sounds like an immature, insecure, spiteful headwrecker. You're right to question things and of it were me I'd be sitting her down for a very serious conversation and telling her exactly how those comments made me feel.

If it continues I'd walk. Life is way too short to waste it on people like that.

Kevin Duffy

She seems to have a lack of respect for you and your relationship and has demonstrated behaviour this in the past, as well as an irrational reaction to a photo from your past. In what way is the relationship "going great"?

curlzy

At the risk of sounding dramatic RUN FOR THE HILLS!! Ok, maybe not, but going purely by what you've written above and what I've seen on the internet you're living with someone who is both passive-aggressive and manipulative (both of which go hand in hand with low self-esteem). Her putting massive doubts in your head is textbook passive-aggressive. She's confusing you and keeping you on your toes. She's hurting you in a very passive way and brushing it off as chat. People like that very rarely change and you sound like a nice person so I really would suggest you google these things and see if perhaps those things are correct about your girlfriend. If they are then I'd get out now before things get worse if I were you.

LLcoolJ27

Hi guys
These reactions are what I was expecting, and to be honest she told me she brushed it off as being a 'joke and not to listen to this'.
I don't like feeling like **** and it's not going to be happening anymore. It's cruel behaviour and 'passive-aggressive' which obviously doesnt sit with a level headed person. I wouldn't say these kind of things to her and it's not exactly something I'd want from a partner. It's coming to a head now and if it doesn't get sorted out and I sit down, it will end very soon. I'm 30 now and I don't have time for this crap! I'd like to settle down with someone who's going to give me the same respect as I have for them.
No other ex's of mine have been ever this clueless!
Thanks guys for all your feedback.

SheFiend

I don't think she's clueless; It sounds like she's playing games with you.

Count Duckula

After all that, when she said "what would you like your next girlfriend to be like?" you should have just replied "I don't know, I guess I'll find out tomorrow."

Seriously, she needs to grow up, and you need to have a frank and honest talk with her about the things she does that both make you feel degraded and aren't inspiring you with confidence as to the future of the relationship.

annascott

Yes, she sounds a little off the wall, but speaking as one who has often left without a forwarding address, (and once gave a guy two days notice to get out as I had sold the house and was leaving the country;)) from a twisted logic point of view - the 'What do you want your next girlfriend..' conversation is due to the fact that you have been together for two years but have not discussed anything for the future. She is insinuating that seeing as you have not declared your undying love for her or expressed a wish to be with her forever - then you have obviously decided that she is not 'the one'. When she asked you this, the reaction that she hoped for was for you to reply that you didn't want a 'next' girlfriend and that you loved her blah blah... When you didn't respond favourably, she retaliated by describing someone totally different from you. If you want this girl, you had better start talking to her before it is too late and she resents you. It is make or break time.