Trust issue

pengaffe

Please help,
I love my Fiance inside and out and I cannot wait to marry him! My problem is my boyfriend can not abide smoking or lying and I smoked and lied about it!! While it sounds cliched to say or learnt my lesson it's the truth!! I wish he would realise how hard it is for me to quit for him and while in the past I fell into bad habits again and lied about it I have learned that while he doesn't like smoking I know my honesty means more!! I have promised him that should I feel the urge to smoke again I will tell him and he will help me not to do it because that's what couples do to support each other!! I wish I could make him see I won't lie to him and I'm doing my best!! Help is appreciated!!!Â*

nicechick!

pengaffe wrote: »

Please help,
I love my Fiance inside and out and I cannot wait to marry him! My problem is my boyfriend can not abide smoking or lying and I smoked and lied about it!! While it sounds cliched to say or learnt my lesson it's the truth!! I wish he would realise how hard it is for me to quit for him and while in the past I fell into bad habits again and lied about it I have learned that while he doesn't like smoking I know my honesty means more!! I have promised him that should I feel the urge to smoke again I will tell him and he will help me not to do it because that's what couples do to support each other!! I wish I could make him see I won't lie to him and I'm doing my best!! Help is appreciated!!!Â*

ohhh this brings back memories I gave up for two years while with my ex however got back on them he hated smoking so much so that the minute I put a cig near my mouth it'd turn into an argument though I didn't smoke much and rarely if ever around him!!

I end up having sneeky fags and disappear off of for that treasured fag and let me tell you this the more he wants you to quit the more you'd enjoy it

you cannot quit for anyone but yourself respect his wishes and not smoke in his company! i.e go outside etc I do understand his hate however


I'm no longer with that boyfriend he did admit years later that he'd be very harsh on me tell your boyfriend to keep quiet and trust me you'll quit in your own time!

pengaffe

Thanks so much for the advice!! Wish it wad that straight forward!! He tends to be quite dramatic! The way he sees it Is if I can smoke behind his back then what else can I do if you get me!!! I would never ever cheat and that bothers me big time that he would think it!!

Zen65

pengaffe wrote: »

He tends to be quite dramatic! The way he sees it Is if I can smoke behind his back then what else can I do if you get me!!! I would never ever cheat and that bothers me big time that he would think it!!

I think the issue for your bf is that:

• You know how much he dislikes smoking
• You know how much he dislikes dishonesty
• You continue to smoke and lie about it

Perhaps he is not so concerned about you "cheating" (I assume you mean that in the sense of having an affair with another person) but rather that you might also conceal a range of other issues from him - gambling, drinking, drug use, some past issue that he should know about, etc??

I'll come clean here and say I have a pathological dislike of smoking, but I do understand how hard it is to give up. It is not nearly so hard to be honest, and lying about what you do is as much a breach of trust as the "cheating" you refer to. If a couple have to lie to each other, for any reason, it says little for their future together. If you are lying because you are afraid of his reaction to the truth, you should both be hearing alarm bells.

A marriage is a contract of trust. If you cannot share that trust then you are not ready to marry. Your post reads to me (perhaps wrongly / unfairly) that you are anxious to marry this man so you can stop making this effort to try to please / placate him. That sort of attitude (from either party) is a recipe for a failed marriage, and these forums are full of stories of failed marriages that you don't want to have as your own story.

Let him know that you are trying to quit, but be honest about when you slip. If he cannot accept your failures now, you might want to hold off on a marriage until you are clear about where he stands when it comes to supporting you in all life's endeavours.

Be at peace,


Z

pengaffe

while i appreciate every piece of advice recieved i would not have asked if i was not able for criticism on my part!!! however i think you miss understood the general meaning behind my post!!
my point is that i have realised my mistakes and have no intention of repeating the actions again!! i have also told my fiance that i will inform him if i feel the urge to smoke again so that i do not lie to him!!!
what i was asking advice for really was if there were anyways i could get his support to do the right thing or if not how do you tell someone who hates smoking that its a lot harder than the think!!!

miec

Hi Op

It was weird reading your post, my life with my ex was similar, although in my case it was drinking and later smoking.

I had quit smoking for two years prior to my ex and had reduced my drinking but he didn't like it. Like you I was engaged and he used to say the same stuff as your fiance says, just tell me if you get the urge etc. Now maybe I am weird, although I don't feel that I am, but then and now I didn't like having to consult with him about it or ask him to help me get over it, if anything I wanted to drink and later on smoke more so. There was a control element to his behaviour. I believe in autonomy, now with that comes the realisation that the other person may not like your actions, so be it, that is the price of freedom. You can only quit smoking for yourself. I did when I left my ex, and I did it for me, not him. I believe that is the only reason why you should, otherwise he is not your lover but your father and no wonder the fags are so fricking enjoyable.

Zen65

pengaffe wrote: »

however i think you miss understood the general meaning behind my post!!

Apologies, I read your OP again and see that I did indeed misunderstand; I thought you had lied about it to him recently, but this is not the case.

As for getting his support, surely he has offered that already? Was that not the meaning of his request that you tell him when you are feeling the urge to smoke?

It's not the form of support you want perhaps? Maybe you wish he was more accepting of your weakness for nicotine? This is unlikely to be forthcoming if he is strongly anti-smoking, so it does come down to asking him to accept that you are genuinely trying to kick the habit.

As for the trust, it takes time to restore it. Give it the time it needs.

Be at peace,

Z

pengaffe

At the end of the day I suppose the argument I am left with in my head is am I really going to sacrifice my future for a habit that is going to do not but kill earlier!!! I know trust takes time to re build I suppose I was hoping for a quick fix!! Unfortunately that won't happen!!! Life can never be straight forward!!!

I am a friend

He sounds very controlling to me!!! I assume you are a grown adult so why are you letting him tell you what to do???

Chinafoot

OP, when you met your boyfriend were you a smoker? Did he enter into the relationship with you knowing you were a smoker?

If he did then its a bit rich for him to give you this hassle. If he hates it to the extent that you say why on earth would he start seeing you?

Also, your boyfriend needs to appreciate that smoking is an addiction and going cold turkey is incredibly hard. He's being very unfair and I agree with I am a friend, he sounds quite controlling.

If this is how he reacts to your smoking then its no wonder you lied about it. Suggesting that you can't be trusted over this is a complete overreaction. Being addicted to nicotine and falling off the wagon doesn't mean he can't trust you to be faithful to him - and let's face it, that's whats being implied there. If he can't see how difficult giving up is for you then he needs to cop the f*ck on to himself. He's being an arsehole to be quite honest.

If you are going to be successful in giving up it will only be because you WANT it. You have to do this for yourself, not because your boyfriend is acting the sack and treating you like a bold child.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I couldn't agree more with Miec, absolutely spot on. I would suggest you read over the answers here and see the red flags we're seeing. This is very controlling behavior, his logic is warped and you should be standing your ground here and not asking for advise on how to pander to him better. Now I fully hold my hands up and admit that we could all be way off, we don't know him or you. But sure why not have a good think about it anyways.

Best of luck.

nicechick!

pengaffe wrote: »

At the end of the day I suppose the argument I am left with in my head is am I really going to sacrifice my future for a habit that is going to do not but kill earlier!!! I know trust takes time to re build I suppose I was hoping for a quick fix!! Unfortunately that won't happen!!! Life can never be straight forward!!!

Put the guilt aside this has to be about you and your time eventually you will quit!! for yourself you'll set your mind to it one day & never smoke again it will happen

What I remember about my ex was the reason I would hide around the corner or avoid smoking in front of him at all cost was THE GUILT, that disappointed look from them I avoid upsetting him by smoking though he knew I smoked!

Occasionally on social occasions he'd find me out in the smoking area having a wee smoke grrr (we can actually laugh about it now) he knew if I ventured off it was to have a smoke! I swear we had more arguments over my smoking habits then anything else in our time together but what did happen was I did resent him! Though I understood his passion, his extreme dislike for them!! I hated the constant nagging the constant digs eventually I did resent him! at the time I smoked 5 or less cig's a day and respected him enough not to smoke in his company