How to deal with things when someone disappears

Asry

My friend has been missing for two weeks now. I really don't think he's coming back and it's finally hitting me that he might not be. I just feel so terrible, like I should have been a better friend or listened more or helped more. I can't sleep, really. I'm using sleeping pills now. He's my friend from work and I honestly can't really take being in work with him not here and everyone repeatedly asking me where he is, from co-workers to senior management. I just feel kind of numb or something. Out of it.

Can anyone help me? I just burst into tears in work last week. It's like I'm at the end of my tether.

I've been getting help for psychiatric issues for 10 years now, so I'm well used to the routine. Is there anything I can do that doesn't involve another goddamn counsellor?

LegacyUser

Im very sorry to hear about your situation. Not knowing where your friend is must be terrible.
I dont know what advise to offer you other than to seek counselling, or to talk about how your feeling with mutual friends of the missing person or his family. Im sure they must all be feeeling silularly and it might help to talk it over with them, it might be of some comfort.

I hope you can find some help in this difficult time.

Ainekav

I'm sorry to hear about your friend, that must be horrific for you. I would start by telling people in work that you have no idea where he/she is and you are very upset by the situation, and would appreciate it if people could stop asking you if you know where he/she is. It's not fair to keep asking you - I cannot fathom why people would do that.

Would it be feasible for you to take a few days off work to get your head straight? you sound very upset and stressed and it would be good for you.

Also, are there family/friends (either yours or the person who disappeared) you can talk to about how you are feeling, esp. if they are in the same boat. I'm sure there are organisations who offer assistance and emotional support to families of the disappeared, maybe you should also enquire about that?

best of luck

Asry

Thank you both for your help. I kept seeing all the people who have looked at this thread but didn't answer and I was really thinking nobody would say anything. I came in today to see if I could delete it or something.

I've been telling people to stop asking but they keep asking anyway. I guess they are just making conversation or something and can't be too mean on them.

If he'd thought of me, at least, he would have contacted me but he hasn't. Maybe he's just cut me (along with everyone else) out of his life, and I should just deal with it the best I can and move on. That sounds easier than it probably would be but there's no other real option.

Ainekav

Well the people at work seem really, really insensitive to you and your feelings. I can't understand why they would keep asking you.

I would try and get some support, I'm guessing your friend "dissappeared" himself as opposed to anything more sinister. In that case, I think you need to look after yourself for a while, and make sure you are getting the support you need. I can imagine how hard it will be to let go, but If this guy doesn't want to be found (again, assuming here) then there's absolutely nothing you can do.

take care of yourself

solovely

Is this an actual missing person? Have they been reported missing to the police? Have you been in touch with their family/ other friends?

It sounds awful and horrendous. Usually, there is a huge big deal when someone goes missing, so it definitely seems off and insensitive that your workmates would be asking you where they are, as if you'd know.

If there is an appeal going for this person, there are other sections on boards where you can post information about them, to try to find them.

I don't mean to sound totally insensitive, and I know this is a forum where you come looking for advice for your own situation, but you do seem more concerned with how you feel, that with what your friend is/ has going/gone through. How close are you to this friend? Do you know why they may have disappeared?

It does sound like you need more counselling. Awful things like this probably bring up other issues you've had for a while.

In the meantime, try spend time with other people close to this person - their friends/ family, so at least you are around people who understand what you're going through and you can deal with this together. is this possible?

Asry

solovely wrote: »

Is this an actual missing person? Have they been reported missing to the police? Have you been in touch with their family/ other friends?

I've never met his parents but I've heard strange things and I think they don't want anyone to know. I don't think they've even told the police, and it's been 2 weeks now, but they'd probably know best how to handle it?

solovely wrote: »

I don't mean to sound totally insensitive, and I know this is a forum where you come looking for advice for your own situation, but you do seem more concerned with how you feel, that with what your friend is/ has going/gone through. How close are you to this friend? Do you know why they may have disappeared?

I do know why he's gone, yes, and what he's going through. And I do probably sound horrible just worrying about myself and not him. And of course I'm worried about him though. I wouldn't be reacting the way I am if I wasn't, you know? I thought we were close but now I'm not sure at all.

I just want to have the chance to help him and make him feel better, and when he was here, I feel like I could have done more, or somehow failed him as a friend. I did my best though. I'm worried he thinks nobody cares.

solovely wrote: »

In the meantime, try spend time with other people close to this person - their friends/ family, so at least you are around people who understand what you're going through and you can deal with this together. is this possible?

Yeah, I've been talking a lot to his sister and his girlfriend and they've been really great. They're really in a tailspin as well, obviously. As for the parents, though, I really don't know at all.

Magicmatilda

I'm really confused as to why this person hasn't been reported missing, by you? His sister? His girlfriend? Have you tried contacting the person by phone, facebook etc.. They may be checking these things and it may be a comfort to know you are missing them.

If you know why the person has gone missing and you are fairly sure that they are safe then maybe you need to just accept that they didn't want to be here and left. Is it possible they are happier to be gone?

As for dealing with your feelings around it, you say you have had counselling but it sounds like you need to return to counselling. It can take a long time to heal our issues and events can being up new feelings and emotions. Other than talking to people - counsellor, friend etc.. try and get out and do something, maybe an activity as this can relax and calm us. Or maybe try and do something to take your mind off this, go to a movie or something. I know you are distressed but I can't help thinking if you were really that worried about your friends health and wellbeing you would have gone to the gardai by now.

Asry

I have indeed tried every possible way to contact him.

As far as going to the gardaí, according to the one family member that I've spoken to, they consider it's not my place to do so, and they will handle everything themselves, the way they want to.

And yes, perhaps he is happier, and if he doesn't want to talk to me or know me anymore, that's my problem. (hence I'm here).

But OK, I'll consult with the lady I'm seeing.

I get that I'm probably being selfish feeling hurt and blaming myself, and I'm trying my best to stop being like that.

And yeah, you're right, I need to get out of my head. Hello xbox