Husband is faking illness?

tinkle

Hi guys, long time reader first time poster.

I am at a bit of loss lately with my husband and am hoping for other peoples opinions or advice on how to handle it. My OH was unemployed for a long time, I recently found him a job with a good friend of mine. He seemed to love the job and got on well with everybody. Lately he started saying that he was ill, particularly with regard to chest pains etc - he said he was having difficulty breathing and having palpitations at work. So, i got him to the doctor a few weeks ago and we did all the tests possible, doctor says nothing physically wrong with him at all - in fact he was quite healthy. Anyway, nobody has ever witnessed these attacks of chest pain but he maintains that he has them frequently. So what's happening now is that he is ringing in sick to work or going home early from work and/or asking for very light duties in work i.e sitting behind a desk. So I have two problems, [1] my friend who gave him the job is understandably annoyed as she is left with a worker who isn't performing and she could have anybody working there but chose to help him out - I have told her that she can sack him and I won't have any hard feelings and I mean that - I completely understand where she is coming from, obviously this will mean back to huge financial strain all coming down on my shoulders, but i'll have to deal with that. [2] I genuinely don't think he's faking it as such but he does seem to have convinced himself that he is ill and nothing anybody says can get through to him. I am having huge rows with him as I cannot understand how anybody lucky enough to have a job at the moment could mess it up. I just don't know how to deal with him anymore, anybody any comments that might help me to talk to him? I just find myself so embarrassed as well as I put him up for the job, because he was always such a good worker and never had a problem and now he is just acting like a lazy sorry for himself kid - i'm really upset and feel very let down by him. I should add that on top of all this he wants to start having a family!! I just can't even consider it at the moment.

coolcat63

Sounds like panic attacks, which can be very frightening. Perhaps another trip to the GP to discuss this possibility?

MissFlitworth

he said he was having difficulty breathing and having palpitations at work

That almost sounds like a panic attack/anxiety reaction (if there's nothing physically behind it). Does he suffer from depression or anything like that? He may not be faking it as such, could you have a talk with him about how he's feeling in himself at the moment? You might be surprised at what he comes out with. (in my experience men sometimes hide how sh1te they're feeling mentally even from themselves for a seriously long time)

tinkle

I probably should have clarified that. Yes indeed we have explored the possibility of panic attacks, doctor has ruled it out as has my OH. No, he doesn't suffer from depression and I have spoke to him at length about any issues he feels he might have - he has told me repeatedly that he does not feel like he's under pressure etc. I should also say however that prior to this illness he had another illness (lets say a pain) which was in his leg. Again, extensive trips to doc etc all led to nothing - doctor diagnosed that there was no physical issues with the leg. Lo and behold he never complained of pain there again!. I probably sound harsh here but a part of me really thinks it's a hypochondria issue or an attention issue. The other thing i'd say is, he keeps saying to me that he has had these attacks but never ever has it happened when I'm with him, we walk together, go out together everything but never once have I witnessed this. Everybody can remember him telling them that he just had a chest pain episode but nobody ever witnessed it!

curlzy

Hey OP,

I had something similar when I first moved in with my bf. I helped him to get a job. Then he started calling in sick. I had to take a very firm stand on it. I told him I'm not interested in carrying someone and if he didn't cop on and go to work we would be finished. He knew I was deadly serious and it worked because he knew he'd loose me if he didn't cop on. If he was genuinely sick of course I'd be ok with him staying out of work but laziness is not something I'd put up with. Perhaps your bf got used to lazing around when he was unemployed and doesn't want to give that up? Really it's up to you but I would be telling him to sort it out or there'll be some very serious consequences, he either has to go a councellor/psycologist to see if it's a mental illness or get off his ass and gets into work and do some actual work. Either way you've done all you can after having gone to the doctors with him, the balls in his court and it's his issue to sort out.

Best of luck.

Angeles

tinkle wrote: »

I probably should have clarified that. Yes indeed we have explored the possibility of panic attacks, doctor has ruled it out as has my OH. No, he doesn't suffer from depression and I have spoke to him at length about any issues he feels he might have - he has told me repeatedly that he does not feel like he's under pressure etc. I should also say however that prior to this illness he had another illness (lets say a pain) which was in his leg. Again, extensive trips to doc etc all led to nothing - doctor diagnosed that there was no physical issues with the leg. Lo and behold he never complained of pain there again!. I probably sound harsh here but a part of me really thinks it's a hypochondria issue or an attention issue. The other thing i'd say is, he keeps saying to me that he has had these attacks but never ever has it happened when I'm with him, we walk together, go out together everything but never once have I witnessed this. Everybody can remember him telling them that he just had a chest pain episode but nobody ever witnessed it!

Everything you said points to panic attacks, heart palpitations, I find it very odd that the doctor rules these out as the only way to successfully test for this is for him to wear a monitor a deemed period, when he goes to work, is away from you..etc

Things like this are never a simple test from my own experience are often related to the mind...
He may say he's perfectly fine when you question him, this can also be a defensive reaction.
From what i gather the attacks they are specifically related to him going to work? or having to work more to the point?... I ask not to rule this out as hypochondria yet and get him to have a 1on1 with the GP..

I suffered from the same for a very long time, no one ever believed me either and all test kept telling me i was in perfect health.. long story short, underlying mental issues i had suppressed, required much counseling, i now no longer have those horrible attacks

trio

Has his doctor given him a heart monitor - a telemetry - to wear for 24 hours?

If not, that needs to happen. That might mean a referral to a cardiologist. You wear it for a normal day, and keep a diary to accompany it i.e. "3pm moderate walking" "7pm watching television" - that's so the cardiologist can match the readout with whatever activity level was happening at the time.

And obviously, if he has those chest pains, then it'll show if it really is a cardiac issue.

Miss Fluff

tinkle wrote: »

Yes indeed we have explored the possibility of panic attacks, doctor has ruled it out as has my OH.

How did the GP rule these out?

tinkle

Well, initially doc examined him, nothing to detect (note he was on his own at this time with doc), so anyway doc referred him to a cardiologist. Cardiologist carried out a battery of tests including stress and other ones that he was hooked up to - I forget names if Im honest but he was in as a day patient 7.30am to 4pm having all these done. Findings were all normal and from here cardiologist referred him to breathing clinic. again was in, hooked up and had to do a series of breathing tests - passed them all no problems. So re panic attacks I can only go on what docs and my oh himself says and he says that it's not a panic attack so I don't know. I guess my real concern for example the other day, he left work early because he said he felt weird he drives home and then rings me to ask if I want to go to the cinema -is this something that somebody who was unwell would ask? I'm not sure

Kevin Duffy

How long was he in the job before this started? Was it a job he was skilled in? Did he get on so well he got more duties or responsiblities, maybe leading to more stress? Did he have a falling out with anyone he worked with which may have led to the asking for a move to a desk job, just for a change of location?

Miss Fluff

tinkle wrote: »

I guess my real concern for example the other day, he left work early because he said he felt weird he drives home and then rings me to ask if I want to go to the cinema -is this something that somebody who was unwell would ask? I'm not sure

Well yes it is potentially something someone from anxiety could ask. The nature of anxiety/panic attacks/anxiety disorders is that while an attack can be all-consuming at the time, it can often be quite transient and while one minute the person can have difficulty breathing, have chronic chest pains, dry mouth and an overwhelming feeling of fear once the attack itself has actually passed the person may be left feeling slightly tired (palpitations can make a person feel like they've just run a race) but otherwise totally fine.

I'd get a second opinion on this if I were you. I know I'm not a clinician and it's not a medical forum but I do think he'd do well to totally rule out anxiety.

I'd also encourage your husband to look for another job (while still working) as all of this may sour your relationship with your friend who did you a favour to start with.

tinkle

Hi Kevin - re the job, it's actually in the same industry but a slightly different job and something he always wanted to do - when he was unemployed he actually did courses in relation to this job so that was kind of how he got into it. Small enough group of people (prob 20) he has no complaints about them - seems to have a laugh with everybody has never mentioned any issues with anyone and he's the type of person who would say something to me if he didn't like a co-worker for example. That's why I guess the anxiety/panic attack thing isn't flying with me, because in 15 years he has always told me all fears/worries etc - in fact at times I've wished to god he'd keep it to himself for once and keep me from worrying for once! He shares everything - doesn't protect me from stress or hassles if you know what I mean - I keep almost all bill worries and indeed any stresses etc from him as I deal with finances etc so he's none the wiser there!.

That said, I don't know maybe a counsellor or something is needed?? I certainly can't get through to him and make him see the bigger picture. Miss Fluff - the truth is he was unemployed for a long time and as it's in the construction end of things there are really no jobs to be had - he was absolutely blessed to get this one! . Re my friend, there will not be a falling out here because I will insist that he either hand in his notice or she sacks him. And the thing is I don't think he'd have a problem handing in his notice - but i'd be left to carry the can again!

Kevin Duffy

tinkle wrote: »

Hi Kevin - re the job, it's actually in the same industry but a slightly different job and something he always wanted to do - when he was unemployed he actually did courses in relation to this job so that was kind of how he got into it. Small enough group of people (prob 20) he has no complaints about them - seems to have a laugh with everybody has never mentioned any issues with anyone and he's the type of person who would say something to me if he didn't like a co-worker for example. That's why I guess the anxiety/panic attack thing isn't flying with me, because in 15 years he has always told me all fears/worries etc - in fact at times I've wished to god he'd keep it to himself for once and keep me from worrying for once! He shares everything - doesn't protect me from stress or hassles if you know what I mean - I keep almost all bill worries and indeed any stresses etc from him as I deal with finances etc so he's none the wiser there!.

If that's the case, maybe I was barking up the wrong tree with the problem possibly coming from the job itself and I was no help, sorry!

tiny_penguin

tinkle wrote: »

That's why I guess the anxiety/panic attack thing isn't flying with me, because in 15 years he has always told me all fears/worries etc - in fact at times I've wished to god he'd keep it to himself for once and keep me from worrying for once! He shares everything - doesn't protect me from stress or hassles if you know what I mean - I keep almost all bill worries and indeed any stresses etc from him as I deal with finances etc so he's none the wiser there!.

I have been diagnosed with panic/anxiety attacks. Sounds exactly like what your husband is experiencings. There are days that i feel like i cant stand up for more than 5 minutes or i will collapse (never have actually collapsed) from the difficulty breathing/heart palpitations. I have also had all the same tests. I feel i dont have any major stresses in my life, nothing over and above the normal worries of everyone. This does not mean that what i have are not panic/anxiety attacks.

There may be something underlying that even he is not aware of so cannot share with you. It could be a subconscious thing, or a repressed memory, something he has mentioned to you but on face value neither of you have attributed much to. It could be absolutley anything. Not everyone who suffers from panic/anxiety attacks is a walking bundle of nerves.

tinkle

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

If that's the case, maybe I was barking up the wrong tree with the problem possibly coming from the job itself and I was no help, sorry!

No thank you I appreciate it - I think I need all opinions on this as I'm driving myself mad and just can't talk to him at the moment - it's really something that is coming between us and that's hard to deal with because we've always been so strong as a couple. I just know that something doesn't smell right about this to me I have gone down all routes with him trying to see if something could be wrong and I have drawn a blank. He seems determined to be ill and gives in immediately to any form of illness including a sniffle or a sneeze - he just immediately takes it that he's ill. I am going to consider maybe the councillor route and suggest that he seek some help in that regard if that doesn't work I don't honestly know where to go or what to do. I'm really getting dragged down by this, it's on my mind all of the time.

tinkle

Tiny Penguin - do you or did you see a counselor? if so did it help? no probs if that's too personal I am willing to try anything if it will get us and him through this.

tiny_penguin

No, it was only the last time i went to my gp for it a couple of months ago, that he concluded panic attacks. These have been going on for a good few years now, and their regularity is sporadic. I get them very regularly for a couple of weeks then they go away completely. So my trips to the gp werent that frequent, but had a lot of heart/breathing/blood tests over the past few years. I went away travelling for a long period and only had one the whole time i was away. And since coming home have only had one instance of them (a 2 week period where i got them a lot). My GP did suggest counselling - but as they are not an issue for me at the moment i dont feel its necessary. If it goes back to being as regular as they were when they first started then i will consider it. Possible the travelling itself was its own form of counselling?

Also worth noting that I am the furthest thing from a hypochondriac. The only other thing I have seen my GP for since I was 7 is birth control and a heat rash. So not necessarily a sign your husband is a hypochondriac.

IrishEyes19

Im not a medical expert, OP, so correct me if needed. But have you ruled out mental illness, I know its a frightening prospect. But having seen a close friend who claimed they were ill for years with all sorts of maladies, and then years later only for it to develop into depression which had been there underlying. It may just call for an evaluation. All I can tell you from the experience was that the conversations constantly revolved around her "illnesses," to the extent that the friendship was hard to upkeep.

tinkle

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Im not a medical expert, OP, so correct me if needed. But have you ruled out mental illness, I know its a frightening prospect. But having seen a close friend who claimed they were ill for years with all sorts of maladies, and then years later only for it to develop into depression which had been there underlying. It may just call for an evaluation. All I can tell you from the experience was that the conversations constantly revolved around her "illnesses," to the extent that the friendship was hard to upkeep.

I know and it has occurred to me and it feckin terrifies me!. This sounds stupid but how do you get something like that diagnosed?. I'm afraid that because all physical stuff has been ruled out he might then 'latch' on to a mental issue so as to justify all of this - it's a thin line!. I feel that he is determined to be sick one way or another and I can't help but feel that underneath it all he likes the attention. This sounds really nasty but he actually perks up so much at the thoughts of going to the doctor or when he is in hospital I mean he actually becomes a little giddy! . Now, on the other side when we've been in hospital say visiting friends etc he cannot wait to get out of there - moaning the whole time. Yet, as I said he is almost giddy sitting in a waiting room, he's in the best form for the whole day if he's going to hospital - yet he makes comments to me like " you know I hate hospitals I wish I didn't have to go" - and I know he doesn't hate them. I mentioned Hypochondria earlier not as a smart comment about him but I am actually concerned that he does suffer from this?.

I am really glad to have posted this today people have really given some useful feedback and perhaps put some perspective on all of this for me! Thank you all very much.

IrishEyes19

tinkle wrote: »

I know and it has occurred to me and it feckin terrifies me!. This sounds stupid but how do you get something like that diagnosed?. I'm afraid that because all physical stuff has been ruled out he might then 'latch' on to a mental issue so as to justify all of this - it's a thin line!. I feel that he is determined to be sick one way or another and I can't help but feel that underneath it all he likes the attention. This sounds really nasty but he actually perks up so much at the thoughts of going to the doctor or when he is in hospital I mean he actually becomes a little giddy! . Now, on the other side when we've been in hospital say visiting friends etc he cannot wait to get out of there - moaning the whole time. Yet, as I said he is almost giddy sitting in a waiting room, he's in the best form for the whole day if he's going to hospital - yet he makes comments to me like " you know I hate hospitals I wish I didn't have to go" - and I know he doesn't hate them. I mentioned Hypochondria earlier not as a smart comment about him but I am actually concerned that he does suffer from this?.

I am really glad to have posted this today people have really given some useful feedback and perhaps put some perspective on all of this for me! Thank you all very much.

I'm not sure, OP, I was only a teen when this occured and it was very tough then. But I would assume you address it with your GP and he/she would refer you to a specialist. I will warn you though its a lengthly and fustrating procedure, merely because from what I saw, there are many tests that have to be done to really determine it. Also on a side note from experience with said friend, they can be deceptive in hiding it too because they are afraid. I get what you mean about him saying he doesnt like hosptials and weirdly enough its probably true, but when someone is convinced they are ill, even though the place frightens them, its a short relief for a brief time for them thinking about going somewhere that will cure them.

But in relation to your query, I think you need to go back to your GP or a second opinion if your not happy and ask their opinion, and perhaps a referal to a mental health evaluation. that would be my first step

Sardonicat

Sonetimes panic attacks happen and people don't realise that they have been anxious at all. It can occur as a kind of phsyical manifestation of anxiety, especially if someone is trying to supress the emotions associated with same. Often poeple don't realise thay have been anxious or don't connect the attack with any source of anxiety they are experienceing. Even positive changes can lead to anxiety. You say you are "terrified" of mental illness. Why? Would it not be a better outcome to discover that this is an anxiety disorder that can be treated and controlled than a serious cardiac issue with life threatening conseqences? Maybe your OH is playing down any emotional issues as you seem to have a very negative and stereotypical view of mental illness.

The stress test you mentioned is actually a test to put the heart under stress to see how it reacts, it is not a test to see if a person is under emotional stress.

I think you need to take a more gentle approach here.

naughtysmurf

Had all the same symptoms as your husband a couple of months back, chest pain, heart palpitations, pains in my neck and arm, breathing difficulties etc, really thought I was on the way out!!! and I'm not that old, went to my gp and got all checked out...it was all stress related and just how my body reacted to it, doesn't have to be anything major either, could be a few little things worrying him or lots of little stuff playing on his mind.

Once I was reassured, the pains disappeared.

Distorted

tinkle wrote: »

He seems determined to be ill and gives in immediately to any form of illness including a sniffle or a sneeze - he just immediately takes it that he's ill.

tinkle wrote: »

Yet, as I said he is almost giddy sitting in a waiting room, he's in the best form for the whole day if he's going to hospital - yet he makes comments to me like " you know I hate hospitals I wish I didn't have to go" - and I know he doesn't hate them.

This is really ringing a bell. It sounds so similar to what a relative of mine was going through. Had all the tests, nothing wrong with him but had various unrelated symptoms, in and out of hospital, permanent fixture at the GPs, off work so much he was eventually asked to leave, signed onto disabilty benefits. He was also very accident prone - so much so that you would almost think he was doing it deliberately, for attention.

One doctor suspected he had Munchausen's Syndrome, and looking back, I suspect he was right.

In the end, it was his wife who ended up seriously ill, quite likely due to the stress.

nicechick!

tinkle wrote: »

Hi guys, long time reader first time poster.

I am at a bit of loss lately with my husband and am hoping for other peoples opinions or advice on how to handle it. My OH was unemployed for a long time, I recently found him a job with a good friend of mine. He seemed to love the job and got on well with everybody. Lately he started saying that he was ill, particularly with regard to chest pains etc - he said he was having difficulty breathing and having palpitations at work. So, i got him to the doctor a few weeks ago and we did all the tests possible, doctor says nothing physically wrong with him at all - in fact he was quite healthy. Anyway, nobody has ever witnessed these attacks of chest pain but he maintains that he has them frequently. So what's happening now is that he is ringing in sick to work or going home early from work and/or asking for very light duties in work i.e sitting behind a desk. So I have two problems, [1] my friend who gave him the job is understandably annoyed as she is left with a worker who isn't performing and she could have anybody working there but chose to help him out - I have told her that she can sack him and I won't have any hard feelings and I mean that - I completely understand where she is coming from, obviously this will mean back to huge financial strain all coming down on my shoulders, but i'll have to deal with that. [2] I genuinely don't think he's faking it as such but he does seem to have convinced himself that he is ill and nothing anybody says can get through to him. I am having huge rows with him as I cannot understand how anybody lucky enough to have a job at the moment could mess it up. I just don't know how to deal with him anymore, anybody any comments that might help me to talk to him? I just find myself so embarrassed as well as I put him up for the job, because he was always such a good worker and never had a problem and now he is just acting like a lazy sorry for himself kid - i'm really upset and feel very let down by him. I should add that on top of all this he wants to start having a family!! I just can't even consider it at the moment.

Firstly though the employer happens to be your friend that there is where it should be, you don't have a direct input or influence on what happens in this work environment and nor can you get ''embarrassed'' or feel personally responsible for his performance though he is your husband he will be managed as the employer see fits

Secondly the lack of professional behavior on the employer ''your friend'' by discussing your husbands work performance is appalling I would have serious concerns about this and also the personnel difficulties that he may be facing as you seem to be very aware of the situation in work and taking it upon yourself to also manage this situation from home!!

Seeing as you got him the job suggests very much again lack of professional recruitment policy/structure and management on the employers part which in my view it could be that your husband is in the situation where he may not have the experience/skill set to deliver on the employer expectations and seeing as they seem to be again very unprofessional has he actually had any constructive feedback from his employer (rather then discuss with you), training, clear description of his role, his duties and responsibility's! It is highly likely in my opinion not! which means your husband could be an a very overwhelming, unfamiliar situation and is struggling to deliver though he may very well have the capabilities to do so with the right guidance.

He sounds like he is suffering from stress, keep your nose out of it though I would suggest you ask him some of the suggestions I made above!!

nicechick!

Also though I am sympathetic and don't want to come across to harshly on you I find that you have little or no empathy for him you suggest he is ''faking'', it also suggests lack of belief in him as an individual on the basis of your mail and comes across as controlling do not make him feel to over burdened if he is struggling in work as personally and unwell (really think its stress), I would be very curious how management actually manage there team and there direct influence on him personally it must be huge personal burden on anyhow i.e your wife got you the job, the fact that it may not be working out & the fear of the future etc defiantly stress I say!

Stress will give you any symptom of any disease known as it can be in so many shapes and forms

Mighty_Mouse

My sympathies to you and your husband.
That said, your husband was hired for a job he can't do.
He should just thank her for the opportunity and quietly quit until he sorts himself out.

nicechick!

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

My sympathies to you and your husband.
That said, your husband was hired for a job he can't do.
He should just thank her for the opportunity and quietly quit until he sorts himself out.

You cannot make that assumption though I would also have some serious concerns in terms of how the employer actually manage the HR elements of there business, it may be the case he doesn't actually have the skill set to deliver but the ''assumption'' was made that he could and its very likely they haven't given him the structure or guidelines, training or support for him to fill his role well.

I wouldn't quit the job either and though yes thankful for the opportunity there is a large onus on the employer here he should have the skill set/experience to deliver on expectations which should have been through a recruitment structure i.e interview process and of course the structure of introducing new recruits to the business. I would also question the employer discussing his performance with the ''wife'' and making this personnel. I wouldn't go quietly either there is a large responsibility on the employer here.

thefeatheredcat

tinkle wrote: »

My OH was unemployed for a long time, I recently found him a job with a good friend of mine. He seemed to love the job and got on well with everybody.

tinkle wrote: »

Hi Kevin - re the job, it's actually in the same industry but a slightly different job and something he always wanted to do - when he was unemployed he actually did courses in relation to this job so that was kind of how he got into it. Small enough group of people (prob 20) he has no complaints about them - seems to have a laugh with everybody has never mentioned any issues with anyone and he's the type of person who would say something to me if he didn't like a co-worker for example.

A couple of things jumped out for me - just on the physical side of things for him, could what he is experiencing in pains be from the difference in environment that he is in than is usually? As in, office environment, air conditioning, brighter lights, that sort of thing? Is there any common denominator in the pain in his legs previously and the pain that he experiences now, like a social or emotional factor?

I was thinking on what I've quoted here - the overall experience in the work place sounds like a very positive one, getting on with people, not being under pressure, etc.

But I thought, perhaps he is not motivated? Given that the job has been given to him, rather than earned, or perhaps that while he had been on courses to get into this area, now that he's in it, it's not a challenge for him? If he is not feeling under pressure, perhaps he needs to be under pressure in order to thrive/have interest/motivation in his role?

being "giddy" does not always equate to happiness or elation... it can be the outward projection of something else entirely. Sometimes I've felt like that (not coffee related) and later asking myself why, because it wasn't the sort of feeling of giddy that would connect to happiness or a positive experience, in fact I remember for myself sitting a waiting room after being in a minor accident being really hyper and giddy, and I'm definitely not a fan of hospitals. did you mention to the doctors he was behaving that way or did they pick up on it at any stage?

Stheno

OP could he be suffering from severe stress due to the new job and the challenges it is placing on him?

I once had a very very stressful work situation, which manifested itself in physical symptoms and I ended up being tested for the likes of MS etc, it was all down to stress. The only difference between myself and your OH was that I had some observable physical symptoms such as tremors etc.

Do not underestimate how stress can damage people.

In The Sticks

tinkle wrote: »

Hi guys, long time reader first time poster.

I am at a bit of loss lately with my husband and am hoping for other peoples opinions or advice on how to handle it. My OH was unemployed for a long time, I recently found him a job with a good friend of mine. He seemed to love the job and got on well with everybody. Lately he started saying that he was ill, particularly with regard to chest pains etc - he said he was having difficulty breathing and having palpitations at work. So, i got him to the doctor a few weeks ago and we did all the tests possible, doctor says nothing physically wrong with him at all - in fact he was quite healthy. Anyway, nobody has ever witnessed these attacks of chest pain but he maintains that he has them frequently. So what's happening now is that he is ringing in sick to work or going home early from work and/or asking for very light duties in work i.e sitting behind a desk. So I have two problems, [1] my friend who gave him the job is understandably annoyed as she is left with a worker who isn't performing and she could have anybody working there but chose to help him out - I have told her that she can sack him and I won't have any hard feelings and I mean that - I completely understand where she is coming from, obviously this will mean back to huge financial strain all coming down on my shoulders, but i'll have to deal with that. [2] I genuinely don't think he's faking it as such but he does seem to have convinced himself that he is ill and nothing anybody says can get through to him. I am having huge rows with him as I cannot understand how anybody lucky enough to have a job at the moment could mess it up. I just don't know how to deal with him anymore, anybody any comments that might help me to talk to him? I just find myself so embarrassed as well as I put him up for the job, because he was always such a good worker and never had a problem and now he is just acting like a lazy sorry for himself kid - i'm really upset and feel very let down by him. I should add that on top of all this he wants to start having a family!! I just can't even consider it at the moment.

Sounds very much like stress or panic attacks, You said he loved his job up to a point, then everything changed as in faking illness etc... perhaps there is a few problems at work that he can't handle himself, work related problems can amount to a lot of stress hence the panic / stress attacks. I think it is time you sat him down and had a good heart to heart with him, Best of luck.

Mighty_Mouse

You cannot make that assumption though I would also have some serious concerns in terms of how the employer actually manage the HR elements of there business, it may be the case he doesn't actually have the skill set to deliver but the ''assumption'' was made that he could and its very likely they haven't given him the structure or guidelines, training or support for him to fill his role well.

Good point. How did he get the job in the 1st place? Is he suited to it? Have you questioned him on his actual duties and how he feels performing them? Is he able for the job? Does he feel inadequate to his co-workers? Has his confidence in himself dropped in his time off? Would more training help? Is it physical, does he need to get fitter?

If it requires massive time & resources though. I really couldn't fault a small business owner for pulling the plug.

tinkle

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Good point. How did he get the job in the 1st place? Is he suited to it? Have you questioned him on his actual duties and how he feels performing them? Is he able for the job? Does he feel inadequate to his co-workers? Has his confidence in himself dropped in his time off? Would more training help? Is it physical, does he need to get fitter?

If it requires massive time & resources though. I really couldn't fault a small business owner for pulling the plug.

Hi a lot of issues raised there in the last few posts. To clarify on the job issue. This is a position which over the the last 5-6 years my (our) friend had been able to give him some part time work as and when it came up or if somebody was sick etc so he had a very good insight into the work role and this is really what sparked his interest in it. When he was made unemployed he decided to concentrate in training in this area, when he was unemployed he also was given some training by my friend on a part time basis and friend then gave him a few days here and there to keep him busy. Then a full time position arose and she was able to offer him a full time job. So, when he started the job he had already done it and loved it and got on well with all the staff. This job is much less physical then previous job and he is very well able for it. Walking from this job may have to be an option but the problem then is that I cannot financially support everything and then he'll be sitting at home brooding and worrying - the financial implications of him not working are huge. And no, I'm not saying that money comes before health but while all of this is going on I have to be practical. At his age he will find it very hard to get work in the future, even when the economy gets back up and running he'll find it difficult. So, yes the future is worrying.

Honey-ec

tinkle wrote: »

This sounds really nasty but he actually perks up so much at the thoughts of going to the doctor or when he is in hospital I mean he actually becomes a little giddy! . Now, on the other side when we've been in hospital say visiting friends etc he cannot wait to get out of there - moaning the whole time. Yet, as I said he is almost giddy sitting in a waiting room, he's in the best form for the whole day if he's going to hospital - yet he makes comments to me like " you know I hate hospitals I wish I didn't have to go" - and I know he doesn't hate them.

That sounds very like Munchausen's Syndrome.

miec

I know and it has occurred to me and it feckin terrifies me!. This sounds stupid but how do you get something like that diagnosed?. I'm afraid that because all physical stuff has been ruled out he might then 'latch' on to a mental issue so as to justify all of this - it's a thin line!. I feel that he is determined to be sick one way or another and I can't help but feel that underneath it all he likes the attention. This sounds really nasty but he actually perks up so much at the thoughts of going to the doctor or when he is in hospital I mean he actually becomes a little giddy! . Now, on the other side when we've been in hospital say visiting friends etc he cannot wait to get out of there - moaning the whole time. Yet, as I said he is almost giddy sitting in a waiting room, he's in the best form for the whole day if he's going to hospital - yet he makes comments to me like " you know I hate hospitals I wish I didn't have to go" - and I know he doesn't hate them. I mentioned Hypochondria earlier not as a smart comment about him but I am actually concerned that he does suffer from this?.

Hi Op

I think you may be onto something here as I have seen the above behaviour in others, there is an emotional pay off to being ill. If this is the case with your husband it may be that you need to not give any attention to it, you also have to tell him how you feel overburdened by everything.

Zen65

Honey-ec wrote: »

That sounds very like Munchausen's Syndrome.

We can't diagnose medical problems here on Boards.ie, it's just irresponsible to try. We are not doctors (even those of us who are doctors!!).

Let's assume that the real-life doctors who carried out these tests knew what they were doing. Perhaps there is nothing physically wrong with him?

The question is, what is he doing about it? If he keeps calling in sick then it's highly likely that his employer (friend or not) will dismiss him. Does he have a plan when that happens? Did he have a history of illness when he was unemployed? Does he think that not working will leave him healthier?

I think OP's fears about him being lazy or liking the attention sound plausible. That's not a medical diagnosis, it's just my take on the evidence that OP has presented to us.

I do think the OP needs to be clear that she would find it highly stressful for him to lose this job. He needs to share the burden with her, even if he'd be more comfortable not working.

Be at peace,

Z

jimmycrackcorm

He should get a second opinion from another doctor to rule out anxiety or panic attacks, which could be treated accordingly.

Maple

I'm closing this thread as we have veered onto dangerous territory with people suggesting all manner of illnesses.

OP, please contact another doctor for a second opinion.

Maple