Is it normal to have some hangups about my gf?

LegacyUser

Hi,
I'm a litle embarrassed to say some of this but I hope you understand. I dont mean to sound vain or like a dick but some stuff is on my mind so hoping someone can offer advice.

So I'm with my girlfriend around a year. Now she is very beautiful and I love her to bits. But a few things are bothering me. So some of it might sounds silly but its playing on my mind and its not like I want to stop seeing her but sometimes I wonder.

Ok so first thing...
Like I said, shes very beautiful, gorgeous face, lovely skin, gorgeous long hair and a body to die for. But, the dresses like a teenager a lot. Infact most of her clothes are just so old I think she has them since she was a teenager. She's started to make more effort when we go out and the times that she does, she's a knockout.
But often she just wears old clothes with very little style.
I work all day in a business in the city and the girls I see al day, well, I think they are often not as atractive as my girl but they wear such nice dressy clothes to work, after hours, lots of girls are wearing nice dresses and things out and about or to the pub or whereever but my girl just doesn't. It sounds aweful but I just find a nice sense of style very attractive, I'd never go after another girl or anything, I just find it bad that they draw my eye but my girl seems plain in comparision, which is silly because I'm thinking, "if my gf wore that skirt, I couldnt resist her", like that.
She got a new job after finishing her masters, not the same line of work as me but it's the usual, semi-formal type of place but she wears her studenty clothes and doesnt make much effort. I just think it doesnt make a good impression, I'm sure most of her co-workers dress appropriately.

Ok, so the 2nd thing...
Our sex life. It's good, sort of. I mean I love having sex with her but she doesn't really want to do much. I try to do nice and different things for her, and she seems to enjoy it but in the end she just wants me on top, the basic. I try to suggest other things but she just says no, that feels so good.
Besides that I think I do a lot just to "please her" in bed and make sure she's satisfied but is not very keen to reciprocate. Like this weekend, I was a little under the weather but we were in bed. She insisted I was on top but I was very tired. She came and I couldnt go much longer out of exhaustion. But she'll just lay there, the end, unless I run off to the bathroom to finish myself off which I'm not really gonna do.
She doesn't ever start things, she won't even kiss me much, just on the lips, she will hardly even touch me down there and I make sure I'm very hygenic and all that, she just doesnt seem to want to do it.
We have regular sex so its not bad in that way but sometimes it'd be nice if she took the lead a bit or tried to please me a little as I do for her rather than having to do all the work all the time. It gets a little frustrating. I like to be kissed and touched as much as she does.

Thirdly...
Protection. After a year we are still using comdoms, I'm not comfortable with that. I mean, I dont mind using them WITH another form of contraception. But after a year I don't feel good about it, comdoms alone are fine in the early months but once its more serious and people have sex regularly, I feel they are not enough, 99% effective is fine for a once off but for regular sex, well it only takes that 1%.
I've discussed it with her several times over the months and she's said she will be going to the doctors but nothing so far. Its getting frustrating and I'm very anxious about it.


Ok, so I'm sorry for sounding selfish and vain but she's a lovely girl and I dont want things going bad or simple issues but they are difficult to discuss and I dont know if there is anything I can do about it really, which makes life with her a little difficult.

wild_cat

Not that I agree with your sentiments but different strokes for different folks.

Point number 1 with the clothes - Bring her shopping... tell her your going to treat her to a new outfit, go into the shops with her and pick out clothing that you think looks nice and see if she'll try it on. It would be a nice day out if you throw in some coffee and cake etc..

Point number 2. Perhaps you could try jazz things up... suggest new things to her. She might be bored with the usual. Watch a few things on the internet and ask if she would like to try them out.

Point number 3. Don't ever expect a woman to do this ever!! The hormones in the Pill do not suit some women no matter how many different brands they try and can have a serious effect on their emotional health... weight, skin etc. This is the same with all hormonal contraception. Seriously its a horrible thing to suggest plus with perfect use condoms have a 98% effectiveness rating. Maybe you could get some spermicide lube and put that on the condom etc... or worst comes to worst freeze your own sperm and get the snip....

Pippy1976

I'm not sure if I can offer much help but I'll try...

Point 1: if she's just finished her masters then she doesn't have a lot of money to spend on clothes right now. Give her a few months in the new job to save a little and then maybe she'll get out of 'student having no money' mode and learn to realise that after years of being on the breadline she can treat herself to some new threads. I do think bringing her shopping or buying her the odd clothing gift would be a gentle push in the right direction.

Point 2: That can be very frustrating. Try to coax her into trying different things - sometimes women can be a bit embarrassed about doing something other than missionary! It's all a learning curve, give it time and it'll work out. Suggest things in a casual manner though.

Point 3: I agree with the post about - the pill can affect women in ways you can not even begin to imagine. It may look like a small innocent pill but it carries alot of weight... it's essentially a hormone pill so it must be dealt with carefully. Like, I know where you're coming from but she may have had bad experiences on it before & is a little wary.

I would suggest, finally, talking to your girlfriend about all of these issues. You don't have to go in all guns blazing but maybe she thinks you're happy enough as things are and hence, things are the same as they've been for the past year. Relationships need to evolve in all facets of the meaning of the word so talk to her - she'll understand and it'll be good for you guys too.

cheers
pips

LegacyUser

wild_cat wrote: »

Point number 3. Don't ever expect a woman to do this ever!! The hormones in the Pill do not suit some women no matter how many different brands they try and can have a serious effect on their emotional health... weight, skin etc. This is the same with all hormonal contraception. Seriously its a horrible thing to suggest plus with perfect use condoms have a 98% effectiveness rating. Maybe you could get some spermicide lube and put that on the condom etc... or worst comes to worst freeze your own sperm and get the snip....

I have to agree with this.

I am a female who has tried every type of hormone based pill/method available over many years and NONE suited me. I've ended up being very ill and have had some serious side effects such as heart palpitations which were very frightening, all due to my boyfriend putting pressure on me to use the pill.

Of course he didn't mean to cause me any trouble, he just didn't understand how serious the side effects of the Pill are. I think most men don't realise what the woman is expected to go through in the name of safe sex.

It is a huge undertaking for a woman and NOT something a man should expect his partner to go through unless she makes that decision herself.

Taltos

Have you really tried talking to her about all of this OP?

Clothes - as above some great points I have nothing to add.
Sex - you need to communicate more here. Maybe she lacks confidence or who knows maybe she just is not that into it.
Pill - I am the same mind as you - condoms just are not safe enough on their own. I was lucky in that my OH was already on the pill when we met so I did not have to face this. However over the years she seemed to get some really weird illnesses/headaches - so she is now off the pill and all of these have gone away - so the pill does or can have serious side-effects. As an FYI we were not happy with just the condom then either so I got the snip - drastic I know but neither of us could face having any sprogs.

Seriously though - you both need to talk.
Maybe you can sort this out - but maybe you are just incompatible.

curlzy

I agree with all of the above. You need to talk to her.

I myself dress in jeans and tshirts when I'm not in work. You wouldn't get me into a dress unless it's a very big night out. I think you could say to her "sweetie, I love it when you dress up and I get to show you off, can you wear that sexy black/red/green dress at the weekend when we go out?". And make sure to admire her when she wears it, if dressing up gets flattery and positive comments from you then she might do it more often.

With regards to the sex thing I would actually just have a frank conversation and say that you seem to be doing alot of the work and you're feeling bad because if feels like she's not into it and could she try harder.

Lastly, with regards to the pill, there's a male pill coming out on the market, contact the family planning clinic to get advice on it. I've tried Implanon, Depo, the pill etc etc etc, all hormone based things destroy me, won't go into details but a 3 month period almost turned me anaemic at one point. Don't try to get her to do something you won't do so get some info on the male pill and if it's not out yet ask about other non-hormonal protections you can try.

Best of luck.

Bipolar Joe

I'd be worried if you didn't, man.

LegacyUser

Ok, OP here again, I'm kinda sorry I asked here now. I don't know why people on a relationships board seem to feel there is always a villian/victim type scenario going on in relationships. She is a wonderful girl, I was just asking. She is a great person and I feel I am good to her also and we have an otherwise good relationship.

To answer a few points being made:

- Watching Porn to "suggest" some things to her? I really don't think thats a good move and would have more respect for her than to show her some porn on the internet and say "Do that!"

- "Don't expect a woman to do this (consider birth control) ever!!". Ok, I take the point about it being something which effects to woman to but say the thought of a woman in a committed relationship taking birth control seriously is something which is unquestionable and "horrible to suggest" doesn't make much sense to me.

- To use your own point. "Condoms have a 98% effecveness rating" - It I was having a one night stand with a girl sure, that sounds decent and I would always take this precaution. However, I am not having 1 night stands, I am having sex with my partner. 98% effectiveness means that 1 in every 50 condoms will statistically fail. In a committed relationship where people have a decent, regular sex life, I think this is not a good statistic to be playing with and if accurate would mean a pregnancy within a year.

- I take on board the fact that it is a hormone which effects the woman. Having said that, taking into account my point above, in previous relationships, women I've dated would generally be safe about things and use some form of birth control after we have been sleeping together a while, I am NOT suggesting it is all on HER, I am all for using condoms AND another form of birth control but for a long term relationship I think this is the responsible thing to do. Not leaving it to a 1 in 50 chance.

- I haven't been pushy or anything about the sex thing. We've discussed it a number of times but within a week we are back to normal.

- Someone suggested I get the snip. In all fairness, I don't think thats the equivelent of using birth control which can be stopped when the time is right. We are still both young and will want kids in time. Just not right now.

- On dress. Again, I'm not being a snob. Yes I like to look as well as I can but I dont proclaim to be Brad Pitt. Not at all!!! What I mean is... she is starting a new career, I myself know how important early impressions are. Going into a professional environment appearances are noticed. This isn't being vain, I'm just saying it the way it is in this world and I just felt, looking the part and buying some nice work clothes would show her in a more positive light and dressing down for work. Nobody expects a wardrobe full of designer brands, I know girls who've put together a couple of outfits from Pennies who look every bit as professional as anyone else.

- In terms of outside work it was more about things we do. I can be difficult to take her out certain places where I would LOVE to take her if she goes super casual. I know thats fine for some people. I'm not being a dick, its just me. I'm not vain but I was just brought up to always present myself in my best light where possible. Thats doesnt mean I dont wear jeans/tshirt when I want to.

- Yes, I've taken her shopping and try to buy her presents but wouldnt like to suggest something to her which she wouldnt wear otherwise. She just seems to have a slight perception that anything slightly dressy or nice is slutty or something when I dont think thats the case at all, I wouldn't like her hanging out of skimpy tops either, its easy to dress very well without being slutty.

Anyway, as I said, some fair points made but also some harsh ones, I'll take it on board.
Thanks.

lainey108

you could just accept her the way she is , she clearly likes the way she dresses.
by the way you describe things, she doesnt seem very confident in bed, that can be an issue for girls , help her, give her tips, tell her what you like, ask what she likes , if ye have been together for over a year it shouldnt be awkward to discuss this issue.
i personally think that you are approaching the whole birth controll thing wrong. your not concidering her feelings at all. some girls are illergic to it. it messes with your hormones something terrible , and it can also impear your chances of getting pregnant when you come off it, i think your being quite selfish about this, i appreciate that there are two of ye in the realationship but its her body that suffers the side affects not yours. if you are in such a serious realationship as your describe it then if by complete accident ye fall pregnant, it has just happened sooner then you thought and ye will cope.

what ever is meant to happen, will, you cant always be in control

vicecreamsundae

Hey OP

I'm going to work backwards!

as for the contraception issue, first off have you two discussed what you would do if a condom broke? are you in agreement about the emergency contraceptive pill, for example? I'd be delighted if a guy was as adamant about contraception as I was! the male pill could be ideal, but obviously isn't available yet. You could discuss the diaphragm with her? It's a small silicone saucer that sits in front of the cervix, and you fill it with spermicide. It's by no means hugely reliable -I wouldn't rely on it alone, but with condoms it could ease your mind, and it's non-hormonal. Although it doesn't sound like your girlfriend is anti-hormonal contraception so much as just hasn't gotten around to going to the doctor yet. (you need to go to the doc to get fitted for diaphragms too).

as for the sex, you really just need to communicate. when you're cuddling up ask her about any fantasies she ask, ask her about what her favourite kinds of sex and positions are, and then tell her yours. tell her how much you love her being on top or whatever -how it feels great and she looks really hot etc. if there are things she doesnt like, ask her why. fair enough if she finds something physically uncomfortable. i would try and frame things positively...as in don't say you're bored, say you want to try more of this or that, or new things. in the example you gave where you were under the weather and too tired to be on top, yet went on top to please her, and DID please her, and felt you had to stay on top til you finished ? you shouldn't have. it seems you afraid of hurting her feelings, even though being too tired to finish on top (after she had come!) is not something she should be offended about. you need to stand up for yourself a little better there.


as for the clothing thing... hrm.
after college me and my boyfriend moved in together. we always had quite similar style... like, cool and casual, kinda 'indie' kids (whatever that means). i worked in retail and continued to dress in my style, and he worked in business and started to dress is suits etc. I really don't find suits and shirts and all that stuff attractive AT ALL, but never said anything because it was for his job after all. however i started noticing that he was avoiding introducing me to his work mates (he'd met all mine). i didnt really understand why, and one day, kind of jokingly asked "is it because i have pink hair and dress like this?" and he just went red and said nothing. I was FURIOUS!!! he was embarrassed by me in front of his new office friends, ugh! (we broke up soon after). I know it's not the same situation. but, sometimes a person's style can be important, it's part of how they express their individuality. if you ask her to dress another way, she might feel you're asking her to change who she is. okay, sometimes a shirt is just a shirt...
i mean you can buy her a gift of an outfit you'd like to see her in, but if she doesn't like it or feel comfortable in it, she's not going to wear it.
did you dislike her style from the beginning, or is it only since you started noticing women in the city dressing well?
I'm not sure what it is you dont like about her current style exactly (too childish? ill fitting? dowdy?). maybe say "you look great in skirts!" or whatever it is you'd like to see her wearing,or when walking down the street asking her "do you like yer wan's dress? it'd be nice on you".
I see this a lot from the other way around -girls trying to change how their boyfriend's dress, and it always bothers me. i always think "leave him a lone, he's a grown up, not your kid! you liked him despite his clothes so what's changed now?!" . maybe try the shopping trip as other posters suggest but personally i' wouldn't appreciate that at all, unless i said i wanted to update my look.

it does sounds like you really care for your gf and think she's a wonderful girl and all, but it also sounds like you're a bit afraid of talking to her about anything for fear of upsetting her, which isn't good.

Miguel_Sanchez

For someone to suggest that their girlfriend goes on the pill is not "horrible".

It's sensible and mature.

If she can't go on the pill for medical reasons then fair enough but the OP hasn't stated that she has any reason like that for not doing it, just that she's said she'll talk to the doctor about it but hasn't yet.

Don't make the guy feel like he's a horrible person for not wanting an unplanned pregnancy because he's not.

wild_cat

Jeff_Lebowski wrote: »

For someone to suggest that their girlfriend goes on the pill is not "horrible".

It's sensible and mature.

If she can't go on the pill for medical reasons then fair enough but the OP hasn't stated that she has any reason like that for not doing it, just that she's said she'll talk to the doctor about it but hasn't yet.

Don't make the guy feel like he's a horrible person for not wanting an unplanned pregnancy because he's not.

I presumed that if she wanted to she would have gone to the doctor by now herself about it. Seeing as she said she would.... but still hasn't so maybe she is apprehensive. I think its a choice a woman has to make for herself and not be pressured into.

Perhaps I misinterpreted his post when I first read it. But I have heard of guys refusing to use condoms and wanting their girlfriend to go on the pill and sometimes I don't think guys understand what it can do to a woman's health. This would be in cases where it is to heighten their own pleasure.

Everyone knows that sex can lead to babies. No matter what or how much contraception you use. Its the risk people take.
Usually there's a chat early on in the relationship where it would be decided that if an unplanned pregnancy occurred what further action would be taken. Like would they have the baby or would they have an abortion etc. It seems this hasn't been had yet either.

If she doesn't want to go on the pill and the OP is still paranoid about the risk rate with condoms he'll have to either get over it or get the snip.

But I stand by my choice of words that I think it is horrible for a guy to suggest a female go on the pill because of their own paranoia or pleasure. I've been using only condoms for 6 years and I've never even had one break. You just have to be careful and after all babies come from having sex....(The condom will probably break the next time after saying that though )

Also OP. I never mentioned showing her porn. I said show her/watch some stuff on line.. which could be different positions etc women's websites are full of these tips.. from how to do sensual message videos... . Use your imagination here but I'll be clearer in my posts in future.

Miguel_Sanchez

wild_cat wrote: »

If she doesn't want to go on the pill and the OP is still paranoid about the risk rate with condoms he'll have to either get over it or get the snip.

Now that's a horrible suggestion. Imagine if a guy suggested a woman get a hysterectomy because she was a bit paranoid about an unwanted pregnancy?

Fittle

Op, I just wanted to say that I think you sound like a lovely guy. I've little to add on what others have said (but would reiterate that you need to talk to her, particularly about the sex issue). Also, I'm female and would not be remoted offended if my partner asked me to go on the pill - It's not a horrible thing at all, and I am amazed that your parnter hasn't suggested it herself. Using condoms 12 months into a relationship isn't ideal - unless she has experience of catching an std in a previous relationship perhaps? There are many forms of contraception for women - few of them suited me either, but I was open to trying the pill, the coil etc - and in fairness, we don't know if the pill doesn't suit this girl as the op hasn't mentioned it.

wild_cat

Jeff_Lebowski wrote: »

Now that's a horrible suggestion. Imagine if a guy suggested a woman get a hysterectomy because she was a bit paranoid about an unwanted pregnancy?

They shouldn't even be having sex if they are that afraid of the outcome. Plus that's not even the same thing.... You are completely taking it out of context. They are the only options he has that are including his OWN body and these are either sticking with condoms or getting the snip. There's no male pill that readily available at the moment. I'm sure he'd take it himself if there was. But they are the only options he has with out forcing someone else to put something into their body that they do not want.

If he is so afraid of having children/a crisis pregnancy he shouldn't be having sex.... It comes with the act...

If he's so mature he should realise this.

You can't pressure a woman into taking hormonal contraception if she does not want to. Surely if she was afraid of this herself she would have gone to the doctor by now or been on the pill before she met him.

I just think its sick that a woman would put that crap (unless its needed for a hormonal imbalance) in her body because her boyfriend/husband was afraid of pregnancy when they were already using condoms. Every contraceptive has a failure rate........

lace

Hi OP!

There have already been lots of interesting replies so I'm just going to throw in my two cents.

Point 1 - The clothes. Some women just aren't into fashion or style. If your girlfriend was very stylish when you met her and had suddenly 'let herself go' I think there would be cause for concern but if she's never really put too much effort into how she looks then maybe it's just not important to her. I completely understand how this could make bringing her to parties/functions difficult for you. Taking her shopping might be a good idea but some women also just aren't that into shopping. Does she own any nice item of clothing she really loves (like a favourite dress she has for occasions)? If she does you could try to find something similar (in style colour etc) to buy her as a present. Tell her she looks so good in the other one that you thought she might like a back-up. Be careful with suggesting outfits etc. She may be offended if she feels you're trying to change her style.

Point 2 - The sex. I'd say to start slowly on this one. If she's used to missionary then maybe you could start with a small change like, perhaps, doing it lying down facing one another so she still gets the intimate face-to-face feeling. There doesn't have to be a big discussion about it beforehand, just start kissing etc while lying on your sides, facing one another, get her turned on to a point where she wants you and then lightly suggest you go for it in the position you're already in. If it works she'll see that she can still feel close to you in other positions. If it doesn't then go back to missionary and try to change it up a little by angling yourself differently or having her legs in a different position. Small steps is the key here, I think. Perhaps try talking to her about why she likes one position but doesn't like others.

Point 3 - The contraception. There's nothing wrong with suggesting the pill as a method of contraception. Flat out expecting that she go on it would be unfair, but bringing it up it as part of a wider discussion about contraception is a good idea.
Has she ever been on it before? Perhaps she's had bad experiences with it and is a little hesitant to go on it again.
Is there something putting her off going to the doctor (like a fear of doctors or possibly the high cost of a doctor's visit and contraception)?
If you're not 100% happy with your sex life now you should be prepared to deal with the changes the pill could make to her sex drive. Many women experience a decline in or complete lack of sex drive while on hormonal contraception.
If you're worried about using only condoms then it could be a good idea to sit down with her and discuss what you two would do in the case of an unplanned pregnancy. Ye might agree to use the morning after pill if a condom breaks but what would happen if, out of the blue, she were to discover she's a few weeks pregnant? I know it's a scary issue but it's something all couples having sex regularly should talk about and perhaps considering the real possibility of pregnancy could be enough to prompt your girlfriend to consider extra contraception - whether that be the pill/patch/injections/nuvaring/diaphragm/spermicide etc.

Good luck!

Distorted

You could look for a lifetime to find a partner who is 100% perfect for you in every way and still not find someone...most people will have little things that annoy you slightly but in the best relationships, you respect the other's individuality and right to choose and grow fond of these things.

It almost sounds like you are trying to micro-manage this relationship to perfection, or at least your notion of what perfection equals. I'm not quite sure I agree with your logic though.

Re the clothing. You mention she has a Masters and you work in the city. Some types of jobs which require masters are well known for employing more casually dressed people. And to be honest, its the way things are moving anyway. The trend is away from suits and fussy, old fashioned black pencil skirts, blouses and stilettos towards casual smart in the workplace, unless formal meetings. I was discussing this with my female friends recently, all lawyers, and we were saying how much we hated blouses, and how some of us no longer owned one of the ghastly things.

As long as she is clean and recently smart and not scruffy, I'm sure you can rely on her to dress herself appropriately for work.

As for the contraception, again what you say doesn't make sense. Many many people rely on one form of contraception, and while there is a failure rate with virtually all forms, its a failure rate most people can live with. Whereas dropping condoms for the pill is generally more pleasurable for men. And you're not telling me that if she went on the pill, you wouldn't be happy to forget about condoms after a time?

As for your sex life, again I think this boils down to how much you want to change and direct a person.

Miguel_Sanchez

wild_cat wrote: »

You can't pressure a woman into taking hormonal contraception if she does not want to. Surely if she was afraid of this herself she would have gone to the doctor by now or been on the pill before she met him.

He's not pressurising her at all. They have discussed it and she said she'd go to the doctor but hasn't. They need to sit down and have a full conversation about it, perhaps she doesn't hasn't got around to it. You're presuming to know what she's thinking here.

I just think its sick that a woman would put that crap (unless its needed for a hormonal imbalance) in her body because her boyfriend/husband was afraid of pregnancy when they were already using condoms.

That's your issue there. Again, the OP's girlfriend might not share your views at all.

Every contraceptive has a failure rate........

Yes. Which is why many people use two forms, so if one fails the chances of pregnancy are lessened.

gerryk

One point on the sex thing. Recently, there has been a documentary on TV3 (I think) called the 21st Centruy Girl's Guide to Sex. You might 'stumble upon' it while channel surfing and, how knows, it might give both of you some ideas.
Your partner will definitely feel less that you have orchestrated something, anyhow.

On the other points, I feel you are being pretty reasonable. I didn't see anywhere that you were pressuring her into going on the pill, more that it was an alternative to be explored. As per usual, though, there are women who will transfer their own baggage onto a perfectly innocent topic and make you out to be lord high mysoginist. I take the point that being a hormone, the pill can have negative effects, but there are plenty of women who take it happily and it has no percievable side effects whatsoever. Suggest it... I don't see what the harm could be.

Honey-ec

wild_cat wrote: »

I just think its sick that a woman would put that crap (unless its needed for a hormonal imbalance) in her body because her boyfriend/husband was afraid of pregnancy when they were already using condoms. Every contraceptive has a failure rate........

"That crap" is pretty much the most extensively tested medicine in existence and is used by millions of women daily without any issues whatsoever. Yes, there are a minority of women out there who find that hormonal contraception doesn't agree with them, but there seems to me to be a very marked anti-Pill bias on this thread. For what it's worth, I've been on the Pill for 13 years with no issues whatsoever.

OP, you seem to be slightly paranoid about the whole condom issue. You're also misunderstanding the efficacy statisics - 98% safe does not mean that two out of every 100 condoms fails, it means that in one year, only two of every 100 couples who use condoms consistently and correctly will experience an unintended pregnancy.

yawha

Distorted wrote: »

Whereas dropping condoms for the pill is generally more pleasurable for men. And you're not telling me that if she went on the pill, you wouldn't be happy to forget about condoms after a time?

WTF? He hasn't mentioned anything about dropping condoms, nor has this got anything to do with his pleasure.

Personally I'd be very nervous if I were only relying on condoms (or only the pill, for that matter) in a relationship. The pill might not be for some women, but by and large it is a very safe drug and IMO it's perfectly reasonable and mature to suggest that she try it.

LegacyUser

Folks.

Op here again.

Ok, while there is some very valid points and suggestions made, its clear that a lot of you HAVE NOT read what I said.

I made it VERY VERY VERY clear in both my posts that I am NOT pushing my girlfriend to go on the pill "for my own pleasure" as it was so nicely put.

I made it very clear in my posts that I am all for using condoms AS WELL AS something else.

I know there are different forms of protection for females and I don't claim to be an expert and I take onboard all the points made about them.

Having said all that, in previous relationships and with anyone else I know, condoms alone are fine for a while but a year down the line I (and those I know) thought it was more responsible to be sure we are taking full precautions and to be honest I'm quite SHOCKED at the number of females suggesting here that contraception is in no way even part, their responsibility in a relationship.

To finish, I KNOW sex leads to pregnancies, I am not ignorant. We both know the risk as do any consenting adults. I do not appreciate the suggestion of "oh, what will he do if she DOES get pregnant" because I won't even dignify that with a response.

We are both mature adults who both want kids in the future but not at this moment, therefore I feel either of us "getting the snip" is a very insensitive suggestion, and I feel that either of us not taking the full precautions that we can is simply irresponsible.
And a "male pill" would be great but I can't exactly take something which isn't available!?!?!

I am sorry I opened the topic now, the topic was to ask genuine advice about relationships, some people at like every single last thing their partner does is the cutest things ever while I am probably not like that, I love her to bits but we also have differences and I was asking if others genuinely felt that too in their relationships.

As usual, this has turned into some sort of witch hunt where the guy MUST be an asshole for even suggesting he AND his girlfriend be RESPONSIBLE and GROWN UP about things.

I appreciate the those who replied to this thread to give genuine advice and suggestions. It was much appreciated.

wild_cat

Complete thread de rail....

The reason I called it crap was to do with this.... and not only because of the effects it's had on myself or other women.

http://www.abc.net.au/rural/news/content/200905/s2573377.htm

http://www.environmentalhealthnews.org/newscience/2007/2007-0905philbyetal.html


http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/295321

Honey-ec

wild_cat wrote: »

Complete thread de rail....

The reason I called it crap was to do with this.... and not only because of the effects it's had on myself or other women.

http://www.abc.net.au/rural/news/content/200905/s2573377.htm

http://www.environmentalhealthnews.org/newscience/2007/2007-0905philbyetal.html


http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/295321

With all due respect, the effects of synthetic hormone residues on male fish are not, in my opinion, a reason to completely disavow the Pill as a contraceptive choice.

I'm not discounting the environmental issues you've raised, btw, but that's a completely different topic and a discussion on it needs to include all the other potentially harmful products that make it into runoff as a result of pharmaceutical manufacturing/farming/sewage treatment.

Distorted

gfadviceneeded wrote: »

I am sorry I opened the topic now, the topic was to ask genuine advice about relationships, some people at like every single last thing their partner does is the cutest things ever while I am probably not like that, I love her to bits but we also have differences and I was asking if others genuinely felt that too in their relationships.

Honestly, I don't think its a matter of finding points of divergence "cute", but whether they irritate you or not. I personally couldn't be with someone whose sense of dress irritated me greatly - but then, I wouldn't be attracted to someone like that in the first place. I do think you have to respect that not everyone else is exactly like you and they might do things in ways you wouldn't yourself - its where you draw the line at where you find this acceptable or not.

I also think more than a few people are a bit wary of control freaks who try to change people. My personal preference is for someone who is, and to be myself, quite laid back about differences, as long as the initial attraction is there.

As for the pill issue, another one here who thinks it shouldn't be taken lightly. Not only is it quite high risk for anyone who has high blood pressure or a history of thrombosis in their family, its size effects are legendary - weight gain, loss of libido, moods, headaches, etc - its basically synthetic hormones tricking the body into a state of permanent pregnancy. Do you not think your girlfriend would have suggested that she go onto the pill if she was unhappy with condoms?

theg81der

God Op I think some people here are being horible and really over reacting! This isn`t going to sound nice but your girlfriend sounds a bit lazy to me, its like she`s not bothered or something maybe you`re actually too nice.

To be honest, with regards to the clothes and the pill, your girlfriend sounds like a bit of a creature of habit. And I don't mean that in a bad way, because it's exactly what I'm like.

While I know that you haven't pressured her at all about the pill, I think that your view may be slightly biased by the fact that previous girlfriends have had no problem going on it. There's nothing wrong with suggesting it as you have, but if she is anything like me, going to the doctor is a big step for her. She's not lazy as some people have suggested, just scared probably. I went on the pill at 19 for medical reasons, not even for contraception, but it took me 8 years of regular severe pain and having my life ruled by period issues before I worked up the courage to go to the doctor and accept it when she told me the pill might help. I had a history of depression, and two of my friends (who were perfectly mentally healthy beforehand) had both gotten severe depression on the pill. That was more than enough to make me scared of going near it, of wasting all the work I had put into getting better. Plus the risk of cancer, with 4 of the women in my family having had breast cancer. Even when I did go on it, I experienced huge cravings, which made keeping my weight normal an absolute nightmare, and I get side effects during my break week which are less than comfortable. I know you get that it's an important decision, but put yourself in the position for a moment of taking a pill, which might give you swollen tender testicles or mental illness or any number of equally scary side effects. She probably does want to go on it, but it's so much easier to put it off and hope that time will swallow the issue up.

I really think you could get a very good portion of this issue cleared up if you sat down with her and asked her (not about when/if she's going on it or has she called the doc yet) just about how she feels about it. How she really feels about it. Sounds cheesy, but she might just be finding it easier to stay stuck in her ways.

The same goes for the clothes. I always see stuff on people that looks great, but I'm too scared to go for it because I think I'll either get it really wrong, or everyone will notice I'm dressing differently, or both. Plus I can't afford to get really nice stuff, just cheap alternatives. It just seems easier sometimes to buy the same old stuff. I dress way better than I used to, but I still nearly always underdress, and I'd say a bit of support would help. Maybe not in a "you should wear this" sort of way, but just saying "I really like you in X".

I could be totally wrong, but it's worth bearing in mind she might just be finding it difficult and is scared to stray from habit.

chicken fingers

I can't give advice without some unpaid, fussy discussion controller coming on to needlessly to let everybody know they are in charge and in control with bold letters (lol).

Op I feel the same about the dress thing, <snip>.

Ickle Magoo

Chickenfingers, if you need advice then you are free to start your own thread otherwise please leave this thread for advice for the OP.

Everyone - this is an advice forum - please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and refrain from making crass generalisations and inflammatory comments about other posters.

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If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

ETA:

chicken fingers banned for a week for failing to heed the forum charter & site rules.