Tuesday Funnies

MonkieSocks

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said "But we don't know anything about each other.".

He said That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were laying by the pool when he got up off his towel,
climbed up to the 10 metre diving board, did a two and a half tuck,
followed by three rotations in the pike position, straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said "That was incredible!".

He said "I used to be an Olympic diving champion.

You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps, she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and
was hardly out of breath.

He said "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?".



"No", she replied, "I was a prostitute in Liverpool, but I worked both of the river.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on a cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold.

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs.
Your body heat will warm them up."

So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm them up."

So he did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied. "Put it between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm it up."

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said,
"My prick is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a prick?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies,


"Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?"

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While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Self raising, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.