Is it acceptable to ask if he's been with anyone during our break?

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I mutually decided to break up 2 months ago. However, recently we decided to give it another go.
I put a lot of weight into sex. I don't do ONS. I don't judge, but I can't have sex with someone I don't feel emotionally connected to. However, my boyfriend doesn't feel this way. I want to ask him how many people he slept with during our time apart, for my own reasons. Is it acceptable for me to ask this, or is it none of my business?
I have never asked him how many sexual partners he had before me, as I don't need to know and this is truly none of my business, but I do think I have a right to know how many since he last slept with me.

Would you answer this honestly if your partner asked you?

Otis Driftwood

Answer yourself this,is there a number,apart from zero that you will be happy with hearing?

1,3,5 etc?

My own take on it is that its not really any of your business but as an adult if you want to ask,thats your right,just be prepared to hear something that cannot be unheard.

I am a friend

Why do you want to know?

Honey-ec

Otis Driftwood wrote: »

if you want to ask,thats your right,just be prepared to hear something that cannot be unheard.

This. Ask yourself if your life is really going to be improved by knowing he was with X amount of people (if any).

The only thing I'd say is to be sure he's not taking any risks with your sexual health if you're going to be having unprotected sex (i.e. a barrier method). But you can ask him to take care of that without getting a specific figure.

The Princess Bride

I don't think you have any right to ask him how many,if any-after all ,you were no longer a couple during the 2 months.
The only issue now,surely,is whether he had 'safe sex' during your time apart.
Also,if you know numbers,you might be inclined to ask yourself whether he's comparing you to them- it's in the past and as insignificant as the relationships before you got together in the 1st place.

If you're still concerned,perhaps don't rush back into the sexual side of your relationship?
After all,there was a reason you broke up in the 1st place,maybe you'd both benefit from taking it slowly this time.
Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far. I want to know for sexual health reasons, and - maybe this is a reflection of my own insecurity but still - I don't see how his feelings for me could be that strong if he was willing to sleep with other people in a short two months.

spinandscribble

If it's a case of wanting to feel safe, just let him know that he doesn't need to confirm or deny it but if he did have sex on the break to get tested privately.

I don't think you have a right to ask. This is why 'breaks' are ridculous. you can't take a break really because you cant really call time on your feelings for him during the break period.

LegacyUser

I think if I was going to ask, I'd wait. Things are obviously not 100% stable with ye yet after only just getting back together so I wouldn't rock the boat with a question like that. Obviously make sure you're being safe just in case he has been with others. But if you do really need to know, wait a while before asking.

Stench Blossoms

What will you do if you find out he did sleep with someone else?

Alopex

reasonablequestion? wrote: »

Thanks for the replies so far. I want to know for sexual health reasons, and - maybe this is a reflection of my own insecurity but still - I don't see how his feelings for me could be that strong if he was willing to sleep with other people in a short two months.

For many people strong feelings and sleeping with others on a break are not mutually exclusive concepts. I get how this is difficult to understand if you don't feel that way, but trust me that's how it is

Beruthiel

reasonablequestion? wrote: »

I want to know for sexual health reasons

You don't need to know how many people he slept with in order to get that done.
Just ask him if he's had sexual relations during your time apart.

I don't see how his feelings for me could be that strong if he was willing to sleep with other people in a short two months.

Men have no problem separating emotion from sex. So your above comment does not hold water.

_blank_

Beruthiel wrote: »

Some Men have no problem separating emotion from sex. So your above comment does not hold water.

Come on!

curlzy

reasonablequestion? wrote: »

Thanks for the replies so far. I want to know for sexual health reasons, and - maybe this is a reflection of my own insecurity but still - I don't see how his feelings for me could be that strong if he was willing to sleep with other people in a short two months.

Can of worms sweetie, don't open it. At the end of the day his feelings for you aren't reflected in how many people he slept with on a break. People have sex for different reasons, for you it's a very serious business and something to be enjoyed with someone you love (me too btw so not judging) but it's not for other people. For some people it's just a bit of fun, and at the risk of generalising, alot of men see it that way. Hell I know some men that will sleep with women they're not attracted to if it's on offer! I think you're better off leaving sex off the menu until you have your insecurities under control because that's what this sounds like to me, give it time to gel again and enjoy it when you do get back into it.

aidan24326

reasonablequestion? wrote: »

I want to ask him how many people he slept with during our time apart, for my own reasons. Is it acceptable for me to ask this, or is it none of my business?

It is ok to ask. but just ask him if he had any unprotected sexual activity while you were apart, for health reasons, and leave it at that.

And don't worry about numbers, if it was only 2 months it's unlikely he slept with many people, if any at all.

reasonablequestion? wrote: »

Thanks for the replies so far. I want to know for sexual health reasons, and - maybe this is a reflection of my own insecurity but still - I don't see how his feelings for me could be that strong if he was willing to sleep with other people in a short two months.

The majority of men can have sex without the need for emotional attachment. So even if he did sleep with someone while you were apart, that really doesn't say anything much about his feelings towards you, neither good nor bad. If it turns out that he did, just forget it and move on. He wasn't with you and in fairness was entitled to do what he wanted during that time.

IrishEyes19

I'm a girl, and I know its been generally stated that men can seperate emotions from sex, but seriously in this day and age, women do too, even though I prefer solid relationships, ie the amount of one night stands that happen in this day and age now takes two to tango and it isnt always just the woman getting screwed over (no pun intended) when it doesnt go any further.

but in relation to the OP's question. sorry but I dont think you truly worried about the health inplications as your main focus seems to be how many he was with. If your being truthful to yourself Id say you are worried more about if he has been with others, and I dont blame you. Even though people here are right and that its his own business as long as he was safe, it still stings to think of a ex partner or when on a break, that he could be with someone else. Sex is emotional for most people and it can hurt when that person is with someone else. But I think you have to consider here, that will the answer change your feelings or even improve the situation or will it possibly start an arguement with him over (a) possible jealousy and (b) he may see this as slightly controlling.

vicecreamsundae

I would most certainly ask him to get STI checks if he's been with anyone. Even to that he might answer "yup I'll do that" or "that won't be neccessary" or just shrug. You could also phrase it by saying you don't want to know if he has or not, but that IF he has, you'd like him to get checked, if you'd rather not know.
Even if he had protected sex, he should still get checked.

I don't think you have a "right" to ask if he's been with anyone, or for numbers. As in of course you could ask, but I don't think he's obligated to say. I also definitely don't think whether he had sex with anyone is a reflection on his feelings for you, especially when you acknowledge he doesnt feel the same way about sex as you do.

I think the real question is whether his answer affects whether you want to be with him or not. If you genuinely feel you don't want to be with him IF he had sex with others, then ask. If you think you'd still want to be with him... then don't ask because the answer could make it very hard.

I am a friend

You need to know if he had unprotected sex with others. If he had, it would put me right off him - very irresponsible!!!

Kevin Duffy

How confident are you that you've overcome the problems that made you break up in the first place?

If you don't ask about what he did while you were apart, you'll probably always suspect and it'll bother you - you already do and it already is.

If you do ask, you may not believe any answer he gives you, or you will be unhappy if he says yes.

Either way, you're unlikely to be happy and if you add that to any unresolved problems you have, it won't be good.

Personally, if either party want a "break" from a relationship I'm in, I'm pretty sure it's over and I would take a lot of convincing it could be resurrected - if we added another issue as we trying to get back on an even keel, I wouldn't have confidence in it anymore.

LegacyUser

reasonablequestion? I totally get where you are coming from. Having been through the same myself I totaly get why you want to know. In my case I have asked but get told none. But every now and then he'll make a throw away comment about the girls he gave up to come back to me. It is doing my head in and would love to know the answer one way or the other as the not knowing makes me think all sorts and is driving me mad. I am constantly wondering if his friends are laughing at me behind my back or if there are things still going on???

I think my situation may be slightly different to yours as we have children together so if he tells me the truth and I don't like it it's not that easy for me to just walk away

Do you know what you are going to do with the information if you get the honest answer?

lainey108

ask him to get checked, he will then proberbly volunter some information.
but DONT ask how many girls he slept with, you might want to know, but you dont need to, you will make yourself paranoid and jealous,trust me.

Zen65

reasonablequestion? wrote: »

I have never asked him how many sexual partners he had before me, as I don't need to know and this is truly none of my business, but I do think I have a right to know how many since he last slept with me.

If your sexual health was the driver behind wanting to know how many people he had sex with, surely it was just as relevant at the start of your relationship?

Your posts make me think that the issue for you is whether or not he was intimate with somebody after you, because you see that as a measure of how much he really cared about you?

This retro-logic is flawed. When you separated he did not know you would get back together again 2 months later. Maybe he needed 60 one-night-stands to try get over you?

The number won't tell you anything about how he feels about you. His actions when you are a couple will.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

reasonablequestion? wrote: »

My boyfriend and I mutually decided to break up 2 months ago. However, recently we decided to give it another go.
I put a lot of weight into sex. I don't do ONS. I don't judge, but I can't have sex with someone I don't feel emotionally connected to. However, my boyfriend doesn't feel this way. I want to ask him how many people he slept with during our time apart, for my own reasons. Is it acceptable for me to ask this, or is it none of my business?
I have never asked him how many sexual partners he had before me, as I don't need to know and this is truly none of my business, but I do think I have a right to know how many since he last slept with me.

Would you answer this honestly if your partner asked you?

If you can live without knowing then there's no need to ask. If it's building up inside you then I'd just ask and get it out of the way before it becomes too much.

I was asked before so I decided to ask her. But then details were given. You have to remember that you can't undo what you hear. When you hear this you might have questions. It becomes messy. With details comes imagery.

desertcircus

It's up to you whether to ask, but very little good can come of it. He may have had sex with other people; that doesn't necessarily have any impact on whether he wants to get back with you. Would you prefer to hear an answer of "ten" or not to ask?