My Mother only seems to talk/be nice to me when it's payday..

LegacyUser

Now first off let me say, I am 19 (want to get college done before moving) and know I should be giving money up for the household and all that. I have no problem with that and know it is the right thing to do, it's more so how my Mother goes about it.

She never really talks to me besides that, if I try and talk to her she always goes on the defensive like I am trying to antagonise her. She ignores me and watches the TV instead most of the time, says I am in her way etc. Like last week for example since we are short on money I suggested to her UPC Broadband because I saw the deal they were doing, we already are TV customers and basically it would save her about 100 every 2 months. Money she obviously needs, but no she just ignores me.

Now to make a long story short, I got sick of being ignored especially when I was only trying to make some sense to her. I just turned down the radio she was listening too (Joe Duffy , maybe I did her a favour ha ha. Jk) so she would listen and she went into a fit of rage, called me a horrible child and the whole shabang. Basically way too OTT, I know turning off the radio was a bit childish but seriously, she was totally blanking me for no reason. She then said I was starting arguments (I was only trying to get her to save money) and I just went off into town to get away from her/pay my Meteor and Bank bill. It was pay day that day and when I came back she blanked me, didn't say one thing or even look in my direction. Even though I bought our new pet a bowl and food, she didn't say thanks or anything. Then about half an hour later, she comes up to my room and demands her money.

Now don't get me wrong I would have given it to her if she hadn't had caused such a stinker but it just annoyed me she thought she could act in such a hurtful manner and still get money off me. She treats me like a tenant most of the time rather than her son. So I did what she did to me, ignored her and stared at my laptop hoping for her to just go away. She did and slammed the door behind her. I then went down 'cause I felt bad and tried to explain it to her but she was adamant I was wrong. I kept the money for 3 days after hoping she would say sorry and I would have given it to her but she didn't.

Now I know I might be a bad son for not giving her money but I'm just sick of her making me feel like **** then even worse if I don't give her money, is that all I'm good for? She gets her 188 money a week yet acts like she has to live on nothing.

Now this week it's the same, she barely talked to me last week and no today she suddenly finds her voice with me with "Where's my money, I need my money today!".. I'm so sick of this, she is fixated with money since I had my first job at 16. I have given her 50 a week since then (minus a few like last).

Am I as horrible as she makes me feel? Kinda afraid of this answer...

Morag

Do you know what the cost of running the house hold is?
Do you know what the rent/mortguage is?
What the monthy bills are?
The cost of the bins?
How much is spent on food?

188 a week is very little to be running a household on and it could be that money worries are part of the reason she is stressed out and being narky.
50 quid a week is very little compared to the cost of living away from home.

As for your relationship with your mother, you both sound as bad as each other when it comes to pissing each other off and and rudely ignoring each other.

If you want to have a relationship with your mother, start by not winding her up and being an adult. What do you know about what is going on in your mother's life atm?
What are her hopes and dreams?

Relationships are a two way street.

LegacyUser

I know 188 is very little, I had said that in my OP before I took it out. I just said that to show that she has at least something and that I wasn't some monster not giving her anything. We have a neighbour do our bins for us and the house is paid off thankfully so that's two off the list there.

It's not even figures/cost of things, I am not silly. I know very well the cost of living in Ireland but it's not the money. It's the fact I want to be treated like her son rather than some landlord who comes looking for the rent every week and that be it. I have said this to her and she just says "Well you have to pay up" and never listens to me or what I'm really saying.

I do try honestly to talk to her, I do. Like the UPC thing, it was just said as something to brighten her mood, reduce some stress maybe but she totally took it the wrong way and for the whole of last week barely talked to me over it. I also try and talk to her normally, but she just doesn't really bother.

If I asked my Mother her 'hopes and dreams' she would give me the filthiest look, she won't even let tell me who she votes for let alone that. Which is sad I know but.. I mean I just feel like she only uses me for money, that is my only connection to her and source of conversation. Isn't that pathetic, and through that she makes me feel horrible so why should I let her do that any more is my question.

Please don't look at this through "Well, X costs this and so on", look at it as a Mother and Son who only talk through money. Like I said in my OP, I know I should pay rent and it's the right thing to do.

trio

If the 50 quid a week thing is set in stone, and it's not the money but the requests for the money that's the problem - then set up a standing order into her account. You can always cancel it whenever you move out.

That way, there are no further arguments about money. It just pops into her account.

Whether you end up actually having a relationship once the subject of money doesn't have to come up anymore? I don't know.

But if you want these arguments about rent to stop, then find a solution. Set up a standing order.

Kevin Duffy

Never mind the money or how's it's asked for - what's really eating your mother that she's taking out on you?

IrishEyes19

Sharrow wrote: »

Do you know what the cost of running the house hold is?
Do you know what the rent/mortguage is?
What the monthy bills are?
The cost of the bins?
How much is spent on food?

188 a week is very little to be running a household on and it could be that money worries are part of the reason she is stressed out and being narky.
50 quid a week is very little compared to the cost of living away from home.

As for your relationship with your mother, you both sound as bad as each other when it comes to pissing each other off and and rudely ignoring each other.

If you want to have a relationship with your mother, start by not winding her up and being an adult. What do you know about what is going on in your mother's life atm?
What are her hopes and dreams?

Relationships are a two way street.

Are you for real, whats a 16 year old giving his mother money for. I know the op is 19 now, and if he can help out thats understandable given the financial times, but a sixteen year old handing over money doesnt sound right to me,

she was an adult when he was sixteen, and she sounds immature and bullyish, no disrepect there, OP, Im 20 and at sixteen, I did my fair share of work around the house, jobs and stuff, and worked part time jobs, but never was asked for money by my parents, and certainly not in such a rude manner, I think its disgraceful

tallaghtmick

No reason to attack the op people he/she seems reasonable,op you should move out soon maybe some sort of house share with other college heads because you and yore ma dont seem to get on simple as that.

Overheal

What exactly is your income, and can you afford to move out?

purity

Living out of home is the best option but it's way too pricey and like yourself op I was in similar circumstances.
Living at home doesn't suit everyone but sometimes there isn't a choice. The only advice I could give you is to eliminate conversing with your mother until she treats you with respect.
Maybe in time she will learn to talk to you and be nice all the time and not just when money is involved.

catch me if you can

your mother shouldnt have to ask you for your rent. you should give it to her the second you have it or set up a standing order. when you are older you will understand in the real world the bank dont wait for their money until, you decide to saunter down from your bedroom with it. sorry harsh but true.
as for your mothers hopes and dreams. perhaps as she is unemployed she finds life a bit depressing and stressful. talking about hopes and dreams is quite condescending.
she really doesnt sound that bad.
when i was your age i was paying 80 Euro a week for my box room at home. and when i walked in the door with my wages i went straight to my father with his cash before i did anything else. he never had to ask me for it. 50 is really very little to be paying so count yourself lucky.
you will never understand how hard parenthood is until you have a child yourself. and the sacrifices your mother most likely made to have you and raise you.

LegacyUser

You've no right to lord over your mother with this "if you're not nice to me I won't give you your money" attitude. Regardless if you're not getting on with her she's putting a roof over your head and feeding you etc. You should give her HER money when you get paid. The cheek of you. Perhaps your mother is completely stressed out over money then you go and carry on like this. And as for the helping her save money thing, you probably have no real life experience and are getting at her as she knows the real cost of living. You sound a bit patronising OP to be honest. If you think you have it hard move out, you won't be long realising how cushy you have it.

Monife

I had my first job when I was 16 and had to give my mum 50euro a week (only during the summer months). Again, when I was 20 and had dropped out of college, I gave my mum 50 a week. At the time, I thought "Why should I have to pay 50euro" and other childish thoughts. But when you get out into the big bad world, you realise how easy you had it at home. Now, I dont regret moving out for a minute, it is the best thing I have done in my life. But, life is much harder when you go it alone. Have gone a bit off topic, but yeah OP I think you should do what another poster said, set up a standing order for the money. After that, if the relationship is still tense, why dont you sit her down and talk to her about it? The only one who can fix this is you and your mother.

Kevin Duffy

Girlene wrote: »

You've no right to lord over your mother with this "if you're not nice to me I won't give you your money" attitude. Regardless if you're not getting on with her she's putting a roof over your head and feeding you etc. You should give her HER money when you get paid. The cheek of you. Perhaps your mother is completely stressed out over money then you go and carry on like this. And as for the helping her save money thing, you probably have no real life experience and are getting at her as she knows the real cost of living. You sound a bit patronising OP to be honest. If you think you have it hard move out, you won't be long realising how cushy you have it.

Where are you going with the "lording it over her", catch a hold of yourself. They have a communication problem that needs to be solved, but attacking the OP like that is ridiculous.

Morbert

Monife, Girlene, and catch me if you can, you are not paying close enough attention to the issue at hand. It is not about money, it is about respect the mother is refusing to show her child. A mother calling their child horrible is a deep cruelty, a thousand times worse than 50 euros, especially when she can afford to ignore sound financial advice that would save her that much every month. Yes, being a parent is tough. But it is tough because the standards are so high. Calling someone a horrible child is inexcusable, especially when their only offence is the desire to talk.

IrishEyes19

Morbert wrote: »

Monife, Girlene, and catch me if you can, you are not paying close enough attention to the issue at hand. It is not about money, it is about respect the mother is refusing to show her child. A mother calling their child horrible is a deep cruelty, a thousand times worse than 50 euros, especially when she can afford to ignore sound financial advice that would save her that much every month. Yes, being a parent is tough. But it is tough because the standards are so high. Calling someone a horrible child is inexcusable, especially when their only offence is the desire to talk.

+1, and secondly if you make the decision to have a child, you accept with it the responsibilities of caring for one. A 16 year old boy at the time is nowhere near mature yet, shouldnt have to foot the bills of the house either. Im sorry I just dont agree with that, I certainly would expect them to get a part time job, fund their own social lives if times were bad and help around the house, but paying 50 a week towards rent or whatever. No! Thats the parents issues. Children should certainly be taught the value of money but that can be taught with the word no when they look for unreasonable items or taught through savings ect. But charging them rent towards the house ect. Horrendous.

As for the comments about her having her own dreams. I dont think her child should have to bear the brunt of that. It her issues and as a parent you have to put aside pain sometimes and get on with it. Or at least find another adult as an outlet for discussion, dont rant at a child.

I think, OP, you need to move out. Most summer accomodations are cheap enough, and if your paying rent already, maybe a flatshare would suit you. It might even improve your relationship with your mother.

Girlene

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

+1, and secondly if you make the decision to have a child, you accept with it the responsibilities of caring for one. A 16 year old boy at the time is nowhere near mature yet, shouldnt have to foot the bills of the house either. Im sorry I just dont agree with that, I certainly would expect them to get a part time job, fund their own social lives if times were bad and help around the house, but paying 50 a week towards rent or whatever. No! Thats the parents issues. Children should certainly be taught the value of money but that can be taught with the word no when they look for unreasonable items or taught through savings ect. But charging them rent towards the house ect. Horrendous.

As for the comments about her having her own dreams. I dont think her child should have to bear the brunt of that. It her issues and as a parent you have to put aside pain sometimes and get on with it. Or at least find another adult as an outlet for discussion, dont rant at a child.

I think, OP, you need to move out. Most summer accomodations are cheap enough, and if your paying rent already, maybe a flatshare would suit you. It might even improve your relationship with your mother.

Horrendous?? really, if someone is old enough to work part time they are old enough to help out. It teaches good money management skills, discipline and prepares you for the living away from home. + 1 to the OP moving out. It is the best thing for them, it will show them how easy they have it.

Someone mentioned that the mother isn't showing the OP respect, well respect is a two way street. Refusing to cough up your rent for three days is not showing respect. The OP is an adult and the mother is in no way obligied to support him, yet she is helping him, the OP is the one showing lack of respect.

wild_cat

Girlene wrote: »

the mother is in no way obligied to support him, yet she is helping him, the OP is the one showing lack of respect.

Eh.. in the eyes of the state she is when he is at college till he is 23....

He's paying her rent and getting dogs abuse for it. How do you think his self esteem is being effected when he is being called "a horrible child" and is actually giving the woman up keep.

Theres very few 19 year olds that pay rent at home I'll tell you that much. A horrible child is one that emotionally blackmails parents or brings home druggy friends etc

And all that crap about the "sacrifices she made for you" and "her own hopes and dreams" thats not the child's fault. Its her own. And she shouldn't be putting him down because her life didn't turn out like she planned.

OP do you she do you think she resents you as you are going to college and making something of yourself?

She's not giving him any love and only looking for money. If that's how you think you rear a child Girlene through hate and money grabbing don't be shocked if your own if you have any grow up to hate you.

Galway K9

OMFG!

I thought i was seeing things.lol. My mom only contacts me on Pay Day. I was raised by my daddie! from a point ha.

I so so relate to you OP:)

Alopex

I think your mother may have depression or psychological issues you don't know about. Many mothers would love to have a son who makes so much effort with communication.

LegacyUser

Wow.. Thank you everyone who understood. I am a bit teary eyed, I have never really shared this with anyone and was thinking maybe I was that horrible but it's touching to see that maybe I am not as bad as she says and that I could indeed be somewhat right.

I get what people are saying about the money but this isn't about money, for me at least. I know I should pay my way and all that, I have said that plenty and I do. It's about being treated like her son first and foremost. I mean yes obviously life is hard I know it is, believe me.. But isn't family there to get you through those tough times, not make them even harder and also the one place in this world where money isn't always on the agenda 24/7?

We had another fight about money again today, in a nutshell she owes me some and her excuse was she didn't have it and besides I haven't paid her the week before last so I still owe her regardless. Now I didn't pay her the week before last because I was on holidays which I warned her about 4 weeks prior to me going but I paid her every week up until that date and even the week I was going gave her extra so I'm perplexed by this.

I tried to have conversation again but she wouldn't budge a millimetre. She was completely rude, ignored me, started humming when I was talking, started doing the dishes with her back turned to me and then even passed me out wiping over the counter without even an ounce of eye contact like I was a ghost. I did get angry and shouted something like "Stop ignoring me" which I shouldn't because she then had ammo to turn it into me attacking her.

She has this fixation that I am on the offensive with her but it is in fact her that is completely on the defensive with me, even before I open my mouth. She called me horrid again as she was near tears, I went over to hug her and calm her down because I felt bad but she shoved me away calling me a horrid child and "nobody treats their mother like that". That's her in a nutshell, always turns it around to make me out to be the black sheep and then goes telling my older siblings who give me a verbal bolocking. She threatened to ring my oldest brother to come out and all, all because I was trying to talk to her.. Yes I yelled, once but 5 minutes of someone ignoring you while your putting your heart on your sleeve, it's only natural to get irritated right?

She is so defensive, she literally said "You came down and starting shouting at me on a Sunday morning!", I came down and actually talked normally and only shouted once because she was being so rude ignoring me while I was being completely reasonable trying to talk it out but either way I have no idea why Sunday makes the situation any different.

I don't get her, I really don't. I try to talk to her and with no avail, I would love to move out.. Maybe I will for college this year. Also I am sorry for the delay in reply but I was sort of afraid to come back and read the replies, I was expecting everyone to be like the first reply tbh. I am glad people got what I meant though.

Galway K9

AmIWrong? wrote: »

Wow.. Thank you everyone who understood. I am a bit teary eyed, I have never really shared this with anyone and was thinking maybe I was that horrible but it's touching to see that maybe I am not as bad as she says and that I could indeed be somewhat right.

I get what people are saying about the money but this isn't about money, for me at least. I know I should pay my way and all that, I have said that plenty and I do. It's about being treated like her son first and foremost. I mean yes obviously life is hard I know it is, believe me.. But isn't family there to get you through those tough times, not make them even harder and also the one place in this world where money isn't always on the agenda 24/7?

We had another fight about money again today, in a nutshell she owes me some and her excuse was she didn't have it and besides I haven't paid her the week before last so I still owe her regardless. Now I didn't pay her the week before last because I was on holidays which I warned her about 4 weeks prior to me going but I paid her every week up until that date and even the week I was going gave her extra so I'm perplexed by this.

I tried to have conversation again but she wouldn't budge a millimetre. She was completely rude, ignored me, started humming when I was talking, started doing the dishes with her back turned to me and then even passed me out wiping over the counter without even an ounce of eye contact like I was a ghost. I did get angry and shouted something like "Stop ignoring me" which I shouldn't because she then had ammo to turn it into me attacking her.

She has this fixation that I am on the offensive with her but it is in fact her that is completely on the defensive with me, even before I open my mouth. She called me horrid again as she was near tears, I went over to hug her and calm her down because I felt bad but she shoved me away calling me a horrid child and "nobody treats their mother like that". That's her in a nutshell, always turns it around to make me out to be the black sheep and then goes telling my older siblings who give me a verbal bolocking. She threatened to ring my oldest brother to come out and all, all because I was trying to talk to her.. Yes I yelled, once but 5 minutes of someone ignoring you while your putting your heart on your sleeve, it's only natural to get irritated right?

She is so defensive, she literally said "You came down and starting shouting at me on a Sunday morning!", I came down and actually talked normally and only shouted once because she was being so rude ignoring me while I was being completely reasonable trying to talk it out but either way I have no idea why Sunday makes the situation any different.

I don't get her, I really don't. I try to talk to her and with no avail, I would love to move out.. Maybe I will for college this year. Also I am sorry for the delay in reply but I was sort of afraid to come back and read the replies, I was expecting everyone to be like the first reply tbh. I am glad people got what I meant though.

On this note and coming from an abusive and abondoned childhood, YOU DO NOT OWE YOUR MOTHER ANYTHING...trust me you dont.

IrishEyes19

Girlene wrote: »

Horrendous?? really, if someone is old enough to work part time they are old enough to help out. It teaches good money management skills, discipline and prepares you for the living away from home. + 1 to the OP moving out. It is the best thing for them, it will show them how easy they have it.

Someone mentioned that the mother isn't showing the OP respect, well respect is a two way street. Refusing to cough up your rent for three days is not showing respect. The OP is an adult and the mother is in no way obligied to support him, yet she is helping him, the OP is the one showing lack of respect.

I said before he was 18. Read my post. When he is still a child. Again read the post :rolleyes:

IrishEyes19

Girlene wrote: »

Horrendous?? really, if someone is old enough to work part time they are old enough to help out. It teaches good money management skills, discipline and prepares you for the living away from home. + 1 to the OP moving out. It is the best thing for them, it will show them how easy they have it.

Someone mentioned that the mother isn't showing the OP respect, well respect is a two way street. Refusing to cough up your rent for three days is not showing respect. The OP is an adult and the mother is in no way obligied to support him, yet she is helping him, the OP is the one showing lack of respect.

wow you have some chip on your shoulder, a child isnt an object, they arent supposed to pay rent before they are fully grown as they are children, their parents decided to bring them into the world under their own choice, no need to punish a child for that decision. agreed, when over 18, helping out is important, it isnt easy these days. but dear god the OP's mother sounds like a trial.

Maple

Folks, Girlene is a re-reg of a poster previously banned for posting in pretty much the same style. We've banned Girlene now so please do not respond to any posts of hers again.

Maple.

ILikeBananas

From the information that you've given your mother doesn't sound like a very stable person and needs help. I don't think you're in a position to give it her though.

Have you tried discussing what you've said here with your older siblings?