Is it possible to stay friends with an ex?

LegacyUser

So the story is like this: My ex and I broke up since I was moving country and neither of us fancied a long distance thing. Break up hit me a lot, and I mean a lot, harder than I guessed it might. It took me about a year to get over her properly. Anyway we both wanted to remain in touch with each other as we were very close (probably didn't help getting over the break up for either of us but there ya go, what's done is done). Thing is, I've been recently informed that there's a possibility I'll be moving home in about a year for work reasons...it's far from certain at the minute but there's a good chance I'll be able to sort it out. I haven't mentioned this to her yet as I don't want to potentially get her hopes of seeing me again up over nothing and I also haven't had the chance to talk to her in a couple of months.

My question is this: Is it possible to stay friends with her? I'm afraid that seeing her again will bring back a lot of feelings that I thought were gone and it'll put me right back to square one (well not quite, but you get the point I hope....). I got stung big time by the break up that I don't even want to take the slightest risk in going through that again. If, and I mean if, I get to come home...it'll have been nearly 2 years since we last met in person so, in theory I should be fine but things don't always work out that way unfortunately.

Has anyone been through a similar situation to me or does anyone have any advice to share? I should probably point out at this stage that I don't have any particular agenda here or anything. For all I know she has or could be in a committed relationship - we keep in touch but we don't ask about each other about relationship statuses basically. I'm happy enough to be her friend and carry on the way we are now but at the same time, I think I'd like to give it another shot if it's possible. At the minute though, what I'm worried the most about is the initial "shock" of seeing her again and the inevitable flood of emotions that'll follow with it. It's not something that bothers me 24/7 but as I mentioned earlier, I only found about this recently so it's been on my mind for the last few days.

Thank you

LegacyUser

From my personal experience which would be similar to your situation, it is definitely not possible. I felt like I was going through the breakup freshly all over again. Cutting contact is the only way, but most people don't believe that until they go through the pain the second time.

Good luck OP.

ojflkjconfused

ojflkjconfused wrote: »

My question is this: Is it possible to stay friends with her? I'm afraid that seeing her again will bring back a lot of feelings that I thought were gone

That's your answer.

I think it is possible but only with a long period of no contact in between, and only if there are certainly no feelings between you after that, preferably with both parties moved on. In your particular case, I would say if you attempt it you can expect a good bit of heartache.

Sephiroth_dude

Its not a good idea tbh.

Virgil°

I think I'd like to give it another shot if it's possible

This line stands out to me.
I dont think you should be maintaing contact with her tbh. It doesn't sound like your completely past this.

I am a friend

ojflkjconfused wrote: »

I think I'd like to give it another shot if it's possible.

If this is the case, its possible, but not wise to stay in touch with an ex.

LegacyUser

Only if there were never any really strong feelings of love there in the first place, or if those feelings faded over time for both parties. Otherwise there's always going to resentment and at least on of the parties left wanting more than just friendship.

GirlWithBrain

I'm going against the grain here and saying that yes, you can be friends with her and that yes it is possible that there may be something in ye're future together. Usually I'd recommend 'The Cut' but I'm in a similar enough boat (me being the party left at home) so I know how tough it is to deal with trying to move from being totally in love with your best friend to being merely best friends, even if ye are a long distance apart. Like, from what I infer, there was no "I don't love you anymore" that ended things between ye, more of an "I'm leaving the country so we can't really be together anymore". As a result and due to the fact that ye're friendship has maintained despite the distance I'd say that of course there's a chance assuming that ye both feel the same. My advice would be to see how you feel when you see her and see the lay of the land and be happy just to be her friend. If ye do recognise that the feelings are still there for both of ye then go with it. Maybe you'll realise when you see each other though that ye are just really good friends and nothing more...who knows.

I'm not trying to give you false hope or anything but I believe that if something's meant to be it's meant to be. That and I'm a ridiculous romantic!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the opinions so far, it's been enlightening. Regarding the line

I think I'd like to give it another shot if it's possible

I don't know if that's how I feel - sometimes I do feel that way, sometimes I don't. I'd be very much "go with the flow" about the whole thing but at the same time, as the user below guessed, we didn't have a big argument, or a falling out or anything, we ended because I had to leave and nothing more. But then, maybe I am setting myself up for more heartbreak. I know she would be delighted to see me again but I don't know if I want to take the risk of putting us both through that pain again.

GirlWithBrain wrote: »

I'm going against the grain here and saying that yes, you can be friends with her and that yes it is possible that there may be something in ye're future together. Usually I'd recommend 'The Cut' but I'm in a similar enough boat (me being the party left at home) so I know how tough it is to deal with trying to move from being totally in love with your best friend to being merely best friends, even if ye are a long distance apart. Like, from what I infer, there was no "I don't love you anymore" that ended things between ye, more of an "I'm leaving the country so we can't really be together anymore". As a result and due to the fact that ye're friendship has maintained despite the distance I'd say that of course there's a chance assuming that ye both feel the same. My advice would be to see how you feel when you see her and see the lay of the land and be happy just to be her friend. If ye do recognise that the feelings are still there for both of ye then go with it. Maybe you'll realise when you see each other though that ye are just really good friends and nothing more...who knows.

I'm not trying to give you false hope or anything but I believe that if something's meant to be it's meant to be. That and I'm a ridiculous romantic!

Yes, that's exactly how I feel about it. I'm not getting my hopes up or anything, I don't expect her to wait for me or to even be single when (or if) I can come home next year. I don't enjoy it out here so I'm actively looking to come home. I don't know really what I'm asking, I just wanted to get something out of my head really...

chloek

It is possible to stay friends if both people want it. I appreciate it is different for me as I have children with my husband and we will always have contact with each other.
It has not been plain sailing but it has worked out for us and we are civil to each other.

you keep in touch with her now just let it take it's natural course when you return.
Are you still in love with her?