Housemates think I am antisocial

LegacyUser

This is probably a small problem as I don't think I'm particularly antisocial. Basically the situation is this. I finish work every day at about 7 and don't get back to the house about 8. I then normally go straight upstairs and spend the evening reading. I don't be around the house much at weekends as I meet up with friends or do my own thing. Some of my housemates however are either students or work part time and they seem to think I'm genuinely avoiding them. (The thing is that they have loads more free time than I do) It is true that I don't even know some of their names after 2 months! but I was under the impression that this was the kind of house where everyone does their own thing. I'm happy to have the house this way. If I do bump into anyone I'm amicable and I'll talk, but some of them go for pints and whatnot and I never bother. Mainly this is because I have a stressful job and I'm still adjusting to it.

How should I deal with this problem? I know the easy answer is to say that I should just interact with them more but I HATE - I mean I really HATE watching TV, which is what they spend their time doing. I can talk to anybody but I'm just shattered after work and like to be on my own for a while. Is this really a crime?

sickpuppy

If you dont interact in a house share just get a place by yourself
to me not knowing the peoples names is terrible and bad form.

Its not a problem as such but i know from experience of living with someone that runs to there room when they come in and does not interact is unsettling. The question i ask is why the hell they live in a house share?

could you guys organise a dinner and drinks party at home some weekend get some of your mates over
some people in house shares expect a little socialising you wont see it in a contract but its normal enough

if they think that your avoiding them then the atmosphere in the place must be uncomfortable
you dont have to be best buddys with house mates
but it seems to me that you are in fact unsocialable

LegacyUser

Have you explained to them you have a stressful job and like to unwind by reading in your room? Maybe you could agree to go for a drink with them one night so they know your not ignoring them or being rude. Or just sit down with them in the sitting room one evening. Its not harm to be friendly with your housemates even if you dont want to be friends with them.

Sardonicat

sickpuppy wrote: »

If you dont interact in a house share just get a place by yourself
to me not knowing the peoples names is terrible and bad form.

Its not a problem as such but i know from experience of living with someone that runs to there room when they come in and does not interact is unsettling. The question i ask is why the hell they live in a house share?

could you guys organise a dinner and drinks party at home some weekend get some of your mates over
some people in house shares expect a little socialising you wont see it in a contract but its normal enough

if they think that your avoiding them then the atmosphere in the place must be uncomfortable
you dont have to be best buddys with house mates
but it seems to me that you are in fact unsocialable

People houseshare for financial reasons.

People who expect strangers that share the same house as them to automatically be best buddies and share the same interests are idiots. So what if someone wants to spend time alone unwinding after work? Why should that make you uncomfortable?

OP, as long as you are paying your share of rent and bills and cleaning up after yourself you are doing nothing wrong. Tell them to get a life.

sickpuppy

Sardonicat wrote: »

People houseshare for financial reasons.

People who expect strangers that share the same house as them to automatically be best buddies and share the same interests are idiots. So what if someone wants to spend time alone unwinding after work? Why should that make you uncomfortable?

OP, as long as you are paying your share of rent and bills and cleaning up after yourself you are doing nothing wrong. Tell them to get a life.

Maybe if the op knew there names could tell them to get a life
nobody said they should be best buddys but a little interaction is no harm

id expect the hermits and recluses of the site to think not knowing your house mates names after 2 months is fine

Sardonicat

sickpuppy wrote: »

Maybe if the op knew there names could tell them to get a life
nobody said they should be best buddys but a little interaction is no harm

id expect the hermits and recluses of the site to think not knowing your house mates names after 2 months is fine

He has said he interacts with them when he sees them. He works long hours and is away at the weekend. He is not a hermit or a recluse. He should feel no obligation to interact with them anymore than he does. Not everyone requires constant company to feel valued and most well-adjusted adults will appreciate that others need space and not take it personally.

I lived in a house with over 8 ensuite rooms once. We were all working in different jobs/shifts etc, and I can tell you we did not all know each others names. We all lived indepentedtly of one another and apart from bumping into people at mealtimes in the kitchen when there would be a bit of chitchat there was no more interaction.

Bloody Nipples

You're renting a room. If some people have an issue with you not socialising with them, then that's their own hang up. From personal experience it's quite common to come across people who want to do their own thing in a house share and if other people have misconceptions in what is involved in housesharing then they're entitled to their own naivety but it's in no way your problem.

Lots of students come into housesharing with a romanticised idea of it, though if it's really getting to you, you could consider moving into a house with an older crowd.

Firetrap

Having shared houses, I know where you're coming from. On the other hand, not even knowing the names of your housemates strikes me as being a bit odd. If it bothers you that much, move. If not, don't. People house share for all sorts of reasons and you don't necessarily have to be best buddies with your house mates. It does help though to be somewhat friendly with them seeing as you all share the same roof.

DazMarz

I'm currently in my first house-sharing experience, and it is well different to your situation: I'm living with 4 lads who I'm friends with anyway, and 2 who I would consider to be amongst my best friends.

But I can see myself in maybe a few years' time being in a house-share with people I don't know. I wouldn't be terribly worried about socialising with the others or anything, but I would try to spend a little time with them.

I can sympathise with the work thing; I work 2 jobs, and there are times when on the one day they run concurrently, so I'm literally going from the house at 8:30am, back in at about 6pm, straight up to the shower and change into my other work clothes and back out the door at 7pm, not to return until the wee small hours, and then repeat cycle. I spend more time at work than I do in the house! haha.

But don't be too worried if your housemates are strangers. You are entitled to do your own thing and relax and don't feel pressured into being ''one of the lads'' or anything. It would be different if you were in a house share (like I am) with close friends. I always spend a lot of time (well, when I'm in the house!) with them in the shared areas and am always talking to them. But if I was living with a house of strangers, I'd probably be like yourself and keeping mostly to myself, tbh.

I wouldn't feel too obligated to be their best mates, but it might be no harm to just get to know them a little better and you never know, you could make some very good friends. But it is completely up to yourself, OP, and no way should you feel uncomfortable or uneasy for being yourself.

LegacyUser

You dont have to be friends with them but you could make more of an effort to know at least their names. If you dont care what they think of you or if you dont see them as potential friends then thats up to you. I wouldnt worry about doing your own thing. Sometimes you can meet sound decent people in a houseshare but it can be a minefield with loose cannons and scumbags out there too. I could write a book on living with people hence why I ended up buying my own place years back and its priceless. Not telling you to buy your own place but its an option! Im fairly social but some of my old housemates over the years I hope to avoid in the future. I think in hindsight its good to ask what everyone in the house does and their age so you can gauge maybe if have anything in common. I know it can be hard to find a place with time or money pressure.

solovely

Sardonicat wrote: »

People who expect strangers that share the same house as them to automatically be best buddies and share the same interests are idiots. ..

Is this where our society has gone???

As Irish people, we're known and famed for our friendliness, to think that our country/ people could get this antisocial is a bit sad! To call regular, sociable Irish people idiots for following what has been our most famed cultural trait for hundreds of years?!

To the OP, why not go live in a bedsit? Rent can't be that much more.

Or, would it really be that hard to make a little bit of effort? You are obviously making your housemates feel uncomfortable by not mixing with them. You spend more time in your home than anywhere else, so personally I would find it strange if somebody was willing to spend so much time where they live and have no social interaction....but that's my opinion.

Do you ever have friends over? Do you have a social life outside of work?

Could you sit down with them on a Friday night even and have a few drinks? How many live there?

The fact that you don't even know their names, shows more a lack of respect manners than being antisocial.

Housemate11

Housemate11 wrote: »

This is probably a small problem as I don't think I'm particularly antisocial. Basically the situation is this. I finish work every day at about 7 and don't get back to the house about 8. I then normally go straight upstairs and spend the evening reading. I don't be around the house much at weekends as I meet up with friends or do my own thing. Some of my housemates however are either students or work part time and they seem to think I'm genuinely avoiding them. (The thing is that they have loads more free time than I do) It is true that I don't even know some of their names after 2 months! but I was under the impression that this was the kind of house where everyone does their own thing. I'm happy to have the house this way. If I do bump into anyone I'm amicable and I'll talk, but some of them go for pints and whatnot and I never bother. Mainly this is because I have a stressful job and I'm still adjusting to it.

How should I deal with this problem? I know the easy answer is to say that I should just interact with them more but I HATE - I mean I really HATE watching TV, which is what they spend their time doing. I can talk to anybody but I'm just shattered after work and like to be on my own for a while. Is this really a crime?

Well OP while nobody should expect you to be best buddies with housemates, I would think not knowing their names is a bit much.
If I were you I would suggest going for drinks or to a movie one night, and having a chat with them
might make things easier for everyone

Have they told you they have a problem with it?

Beruthiel

OP
You rent a room with other people because I presume you cannot afford a place on your own.
If you are not disturbing, upsetting or causing any kind of trouble in the house, then you are free to spend all your time in your room if you wish.
So what if they think you are antisocial. They are free to think whatever they like.
What you do with your precious spare time is entirely down to you.
Certainly, you should not feel that you need to entertain them in some way just so they will think X, Y & Z about you later.

I would like to say however, you should at the very least know the names of the people you live with.

Caros

I believe you don't have to be friends with these people, you are amicable enough with them as you say when you see them, at least you don't ignore them. People enter into a house share situation for a financial reason - if friendship develops well and good but if not no biggy!

Kosseegan

O/p you are anti- social. Legally you are not obliged to speak to them and you can do as you wish. From the point of view of normal human relations you should get to know your house mates. Sit and watch TV for half an hour reading your book. Make a comment that you don't like TV in general. Explain why you are the way you are and they will be more respectful of your position. One visit to the pub would not kill you either.
There is no need to be best friends with flatmates but they sometimes can prove to be useful contacts. It is a waste not to get to know them at least on a nodding acquantance basis.

LegacyUser

I tried to post something earlier but my internet cut out on me.

I appreciate all comments, all good feedback. I should probably clear something up, I live in a big house (10 people in all) and we're all relatively new to the place and I know everyone's name but one. I've always been bad with names so considering that I'm not doing too badly. Secondly they aren't all that social either, I was down in the kitchen three times this evening and no sign of life, everyone in their rooms, normal practise. Thirdly the difference is that they go for pints together and have get togethers at the weekend - and I happen to be absent. I will make more of an effort in the future, it probably is bad form on my part.

I was confronted shortly before making my post by someone in the house. She is a right bit older than anyone else and has lived here for yonks, and seems to have taken offence to my solitary inclinations. Needless to say I didn't back down a jot, just said 'I'm sorry if I offended you, but I enjoy my own company and am tired and stressed after work. I do not like most tv shows and drink but seldom. I am as friendly and personable as required, but I have my own friends and social circles and am happy to have you all as housemates. But I do not understand why you seem to think that I will abandon my own social circles at weekends - the only time I can get to meet up with friends - to instead spend it with people with whom the only thing I know to share in common with is the house they share together'.

Now thats a very fancy way of phrasing what I actually said, but it pretty much sums it all up. In fact she was simply rude; some of the others looked embarassed for her as she kinda crossed the line. I am on good terms with these people; I pass the time of day with them and make all the expected pleasantries; but I do not have the amount of free time they have. My days of lolling in front of the tv, vegetating in front of Jeremy Kyle at one o clock in the day are long since gone.

That said some do seem like decent skins and I would like to get to know them better. I will make a greater effort in future, I suppose it is rather strange to bolt up to my room every evening after work.

IrishEyes19

sickpuppy wrote: »

Maybe if the op knew there names could tell them to get a life
nobody said they should be best buddys but a little interaction is no harm

id expect the hermits and recluses of the site to think not knowing your house mates names after 2 months is fine

1. The OP said they have a stressfull job and when they come home they want to relax alone as the housemates watch tv, and they hate tv.

2. The OP said whenever they meet them, the OP talks away to them.

3. If your job is stressful, you work difficult hours, you dont enjoy tv, and your tired, you are entitled to your own time.

and finally, the op is obviously house sharing like many of us for financial reasons, they are entitled to come and go as they please, it isnt school where you should play with the other kids.

Some people dont click, and dont immediately join other circles. and some people enjoy their own time. you cant force someone to spend time in other peoples company if they find it uncomfortable, the OP has their own friends and their lifestyle is obviously hectic, they have every right to their own time.

I am a friend

You don't have to be their best friend but it's very rude not to find out the names of the people you live with.

sparks24

A cup of tea once in a while would go a long way, little bit of chat like? Only be 15-20 mins is all, you never know might help you unwind and take your mind off work

sickpuppy

I was thinking you were in a smaller house 4 or 5 people 10 sounds a bit much. and id have givena different reply if id known was such a large hosue share
Of course the op is entitled to there own time that was never in dispute
but i still think not knowing the names of people you share a place with after 2months is weird
the op has admitted its abit strange and its good to get other view points

the older woman reminds me of the gimps youd meet travelling if you dont get involved in a sing song or a group meal in hostel or whatever your not having fun or being part of the dynamic.

LegacyUser

sickpuppy wrote: »

I was thinking you were in a smaller house 4 or 5 people 10 sounds a bit much. and id have givena different reply if id known was such a large hosue share
Of course the op is entitled to there own time that was never in dispute
but i still think not knowing the names of people you share a place with after 2months is weird
the op has admitted its abit strange and its good to get other view points

the older woman reminds me of the gimps youd meet travelling if you dont get involved in a sing song or a group meal in hostel or whatever your not having fun or being part of the dynamic.

The woman IS a gimp, I was trying to sum her up earlier but that sorts it out perfectly. I was very tempted to say something cruel, something along the lines of 'I don't need lifestyle advice from some sad old hippy who lives with a house full of strangers half her age' but THAT would be far too close to the bone, and unlike her I have a little awareness of social rules people abide by.

Anyways, I was going to stay up this weekend and make an effort and all that cack but I just realised its a bank holiday this weekend, I have monday off work, and I'm damned well not going to stay up in what I regard as a glorified hostel (Somewhere I sleep before getting up to go to work) just to appease a neurotic old bat.

Simon Adebisi

That post says it all really.

People like you should be alone in bedsits.

Fluorescence

Ah here now, it's not like you avoid all eye-contact, never utter a word and scamper away at the first sight of another human being in the house. You say you chat with them when your paths cross, and you regularly socialise with your own circle of friends, so you're no hermit either. So what if you prefer to spend your evenings relaxing alone after a long work day? You don't need to force yourself to sit in front of a tv watching schite just to appease your flatmates.

Distorted

Making an effort to get to know people and spend a little bit of time socialising with them is good form. Its good for your social skills as well as the more you practice it the better you will be. And who knows, you might end up making some really good friends.

I find the sort of people who say things like they don't want to be best buddies with their housemates terribly snobbish.

I also don't think people like you make very good housemates and it tends to create a bit of an awkward atmosphere which a little bit of effort and consideration and basic human friendliness can deflect.