What am I doing?

ruboo

Long story short, I am separated. The man I left my husband for has two kids to two different women, I have one to my ex husband.
This man, lets call him John. This relationship I have going on is very scary and confusing. When it's good, it is beyond amazing, but when it is bad, it's WW3 around here.
Anyway, a lot of things have happened. There has been a lot of stress. A few weeks back, I miscarried at 8 weeks. Instead of being there for me, he chose to hang out with his friend and leave me alone in bed crying and in pain for about 2 days. Then about 3 days later he told me that I 'needed to get over it'.

We also have VERY different parenting techniques and he seems to not care about what I want. I live in this house too, yet I am forced to deal with him and his children all day. Now, don't get me wrong here, I have no problem with the kids, what I have a problem with is the fact that all day I have to listen to him telling his son 60 effing times to stop doing one thing. His son also is very cheeky and calls his dad fat and a loser. He also does not enforce anything with him and just lets him leave dishes / clothes / toys / rubbish where they lie. It just drives me demented. Mainly because when my daughter is around I try very hard to make sure she learns his boundries and she knows the rules of the house.

I found a video on his mobile this morning of his ex girlfriend (and also the mother of one of his kids) and she was naked in the shower. The video is very graphic and hurt me immensly. He got mad at me stating that he 'warned' me months ago that there was stuff on his phone that he 'just hasn't gotten rid of'.
I couldn't talk to him and have not talked to him in about 7 hours. If he KNEW there was **** on there, why would he have not deleted it?

I am hurt, angry and all out pissed. And I know I have made my bed, I will lie in it. Im just hoping someone can help me deal with a man that is ALWAYS right, even when he is VERY wrong.

Thanks.

Kevin Duffy

Good question, what are you doing? Besides a vague phrase like "when it's good it's beyond amazing", what's keeping you there? It all sounds pretty horrible, abusive and dysfunctional to me.

tan11ie

Good God...get out of the relationship now!!!!!he sounds horrible. As for the vid and pics on his phone, it's obvious he has kept them for pleasure and shows how much respect he has for you. ZERO

Herrick

ruboo wrote: »

I miscarried at 8 weeks. Instead of being there for me, he chose to hang out with his friend and leave me alone in bed crying and in pain for about 2 days. Then about 3 days later he told me that I 'needed to get over it

Firstly OP, my condolences on your loss

But, I'm actually speechless after reading this... He sounds like a horrible and disgusting person :mad::mad::mad: Sweet Jesus, get out now before you end up actually having a child with him and are tied to him forever. This is no relationship, he doesn't care for you, what man would say and do that to a woman they cared about? He left you alone and crying in bed for two days after losing your child and went out with one of his friends? Then actually said "get over it" I mean by the sounds of it he didn't even care that he lost a child too. No amount of "good times" could redeem him after the above.

Christ my blood is actually boiling at the thought of him :mad::mad::mad:

Lon Dubh

ruboo wrote: »

I am hurt, angry and all out pissed. And I know I have made my bed, I will lie in it. Im just hoping someone can help me deal with a man that is ALWAYS right, even when he is VERY wrong.

Thanks.

You sound like you made a bad choice in this guy but that doesn't mean you have to keep repeating the same mistake daily. You can get out. If you cannot do it for yourself try to do it for your daughter. Do you want her to learn that this is how relationships are? And that this is how she should expect to be treated by a partner? You and she can do better. Forget about what other people will say and think etc if that is what is worrying you and get out.

ruboo

He makes me feel wrong all the time though. Today, with the phone for example. I couldn't talk to him because I am hurt. Now, I would talk to him politely, but he knew I was pissed. He spent all day with his son, this is fine. He got him to bed and is now making a point of sitting downstairs on his laptop, looking for porn no doubt and just generally trying to let me stew.
And it works! I want to kick the door in and scream at him. I want him to CARE that he hurt me. But... no. No.
Now, I feel bad because I have upset him enough that he doesn't even want to be around me.

God, I am messed up. Really messed up in the head.

I thought that this WAS the best thing for my daughter because of all the things he said and did in the beginning. Now, it's a struggle to even talk to him.

Even if he would just come upstairs and apologise instead of having this 'well, I warned you' attitude.

Sorry.

Lon Dubh

ruboo wrote: »

I thought that this WAS the best thing for my daughter because of all the things he said and did in the beginning. Now, it's a struggle to even talk to him.

Hi, I didn't mean to be criticising you, just trying to help you see you need not continue like this (admitedly easy for me to say as I am not living with him).

Unfortunately a lot of people who are headwreckers and/or abusive hide a lot of themselves at the beginning of the relationship, and it only starts to come out properly once they feel you are bound to them and less likely to leave them. And then you will be left wondering which is the "real" them, the one who was nice at the beginning or the one you are seeing now? Unfortunately it is the one you are seeing now, or that is enough of their personality that it should be a dealbreaker. At the very least he sounds like an emotionally detached and unavailable headwrecker. I think he could wear you down a lot over time and make it more and more difficult to leave him.

This website might be useful to you http://youarenotcrazy.com/ and also this one which points out how to try to identify dysfunctional and abusive people http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171

Edit: Do you have any trustworthy friend you can talk to about the situation?

ruboo

Feel free to criticize me. I deserve and need it. That website is very helpful, thank you.

I came downstairs and just said 'Why do you have that on your phone?'
He immediately became defensive and started in with the 'I TOLD you that there were things on my phone I haven't deleted'
'Right, so if you KNEW, for months, then why do you have them on your phone'
'I just haven't gone through my phone'

He argued some more about how if it was the other way around, I would have told him to shut up and get over it. I promptly advised him that that would not happen, because I ACTUALLY have nothing to hide.
I asked him could he imagine how I feel seeing that and he said yes, he could.

He then apologised.

Im still annoyed though.

tinkerbell

OP, first of all he should not have videos / pics of his ex girlfriend on his phone. Insist that he go through his phone right now and delete all that off it - it is completely unacceptable, it is totally inappropriate.

Secondly, you need to have a serious talk. It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't care about you at all. The way he has behaved is seriously dumpable behaviour. Telling you to just "get over" a miscarriage after 2 days? WTF? Who says that?

Get out now. Why are you staying in a relationship like that? And it's silly saying "I've made my bed, I know I have to lie in it" - the only bed you made was leaving your husband - that was the permanent decision. You don't have to stay with your new boyfriend though - you can leave him.

ppink

Op I actually dont think you should insist that he deletes that video from his phone.
It says a lot when you have to TELL him to do the right and appropriate thing.
What is it abotu this guy that has you staying in sucha situation?

Lola92

OP, Please leave this man. Your posts sound like you feel you are trapped or that you somehow deserve to be in a bad relationship for leaving your husband. This is NOT the case.

He knowingly keeps videos, which are more or less porn, of his ex-girlfriends on his phone. He allows his son to completely disrespect you. He told you to 'get over it' 3 days after you lost your baby????

You need to read back over all of your posts as though they were written by someone else. What would you advise that woman to do?

No matter how good those good moments may seem to you, ask yourself is it worth going through the hell you are at present, 99% of the time, for those few minutes.

If nothing else think of your daughter. Think of her possibly being stuck in a relationship like yours in the future because she thinks that what she has seen is normal.

Please get yourself out of this situation OP, you have nothing to be ashamed of by doing so.

ruboo

Today, all hell broke loose.
After the conversation about the phone, he went on a tirade. You see, my ex-husbands internet crashed, so I told him (and John) that it was ok to come over and use my internet for an hour so that he could contact his family, who all live in another country.
So, he flipped. He told me that I have double standards. Apparently, I throw a fit when his ex comes over to drop off his daughter and stays for 10 minutes, but I can invite my EH over for an hour? How dare I and so on.

I tried to explain that it was very different in the sense that No.1, he was not coming to see me, him or anyone else and he would not be in the same room and No.2, his ex comes over and sits beside him and LOVES to talk about days gone by with him and all the fun crap that they used to do together, which is not fun to hear. Also, this woman has talked about me for months. Compared me to a dog, told him that I was not good looking enough to be with him and even refused to let her daughter around me. She btw, called him about 3 weeks ago and said 'ok, I am going to LET you have your relationship. She can be around our daughter' and ever since then, he has been VERY different with me. He wants me to want her around... I think.

Anyway, the other thing is, I didn't just TELL him my EH was coming over, I had asked him 3 days before if this would be ok, and he conveniently forgot about this.

So, this went on. Then he came in with the low blows and brought up something about my past that really shaped and affected me negatively. I had had enough. I told him to go and jump. He got angry. Why can you say what you want to me and I can't to you? Double standards! See?

NO! When I speak to him, or ANYONE I talk like an adult. I don't throw stuff in the other persons face. I deal with the problem at hand. Or I try to at least. He kind of apologised, but I told him that that was not good enough. I told him that he couldn't just speak to people how he wanted and then say sorry.

So, bedtime. We stayed separate.

All day today he wouldn't talk to me. He chatted on FB and MSN. He texted, chatted on his phone. But not once... did he talk to me.

Then...

His daughter was trying to tell him something. She is 2. He was picking it up wrong, so I said "She is trying to tell you she wants chicken". He glared at me and through his teeth he said "I know what my own effing daughter is saying"

Boom, the bomb dropped. Before I knew it he was telling me to pick a room (bedroom) because he wasn't doing this any-more.
He revealed that when I first left my EH, I cried over him and things haven't been the same since for him.
(Side note: I DID cry for him, and not because I was in love with him, or missed him or wanted to be with him. I cried because I care for him, and have never hidden this fact. We simply drifted apart over 10 years. I cried because this poor man was now alone. Living in a room in a house. Everything he had... gone. Poof. And it was more or less my fault. I did try to explain this on multiple occasions to John, but he dismisses it.)

So, he tells me that 'this' has been over ever since then.
I go upstairs to cry. My phone rings. It's my best friend. I'm in a panic. Where are we going to go? What am I going to do?
Suddenly, he barrels up the stairs, looks at me and huffs and slams his fist into the wall in the next room. I hang up.
I stand outside the door and we FIGHT. SCREAM at one another. It was terrible. He just kept saying the cruelest things to me. ie, "Go on... go run to him. go" and "I'm going out in 10 minutes. I need to know if you are staying or going because if you are going, then I want you out before I leave. That way I don't have to come home to this bullcrap"

He went on.
He told me that I had 'trapped' him in this bull**** relationship.
He told me that he can't even have sex with me anymore because he is worried all the time that I am thinking he is not good enough, going long enough, going too long... etc.
He said 'Is it any wonder I was the way I was about the pregnancy'

(Side note: Ok, so the pregnancy was a shock. Terrifying. I was not ready. I had just left my EH and I was still reeling with guilt from that. EH and I had been trying for a baby for about 8 months with no luck and he really wanted a baby, and I hoped that a baby would fix my marriage. When John handed the stick to me and I saw the two lines I bawled, and unfortunately the first words out of my mouth were "Poor EH")

So, it seems from there John dismissed the pregnancy apparently. And apparently, from the sounds of it, he really didn't give a rats ass that I lost my child.

So. I sat on the bed and cried. And cried. And cried. He came in and told me that he knew what I was thinking. Whats that? He said
"You are freaking out because you are going to have to go back to your family and they will say I told you so"

He couldn't have been more wrong. I was thinking about my beautiful daughter. About where I was going to live. About money. About my heart being ripped to shreds. Why would he think THAT was the ONE bloody thing I would be thinking of? Oh, and he told me I was sitting there for a pity vote.

EH dropped my daughter home and I gathered myself. I pulled it together for the evening. Then... he starts talking to me again. Normally. Like nothing happened. Like. nothing. happened.

I put my daughter to bed. In the bed in the room that he declared was mine. He came up to fix a plug and looked genuinely surprised that I was actually going to sleep in there.

Now he is happy. I am so confused. And I am TERRIFIED to say anything in case it kicks off again.

God... this was a long post. Sorry.
And thank you so much for your help.

Toots

Do you live near anyone who you can stay with for a few nights? He sounds like an absolute nutcase. For your own sanity and safety you need to leave him. I wouldn't even give him the benefit of an explanation, next time he pops out of the house, be ready to go.

thefeatheredcat

I completely agree with everyone here - leave him. Just pack your bags and leave. Call a few people, your family, your ex husband even, and just leave this guy.

ruboo wrote: »

When it's good, it is beyond amazing

I can't for the world see where anything in this relationship could even be amazing, after what you have described. He's selfish, inconsiderate, unloving, uncaring, manipulative, abusive, to be quite honest, immature and pathetic in dealing with the situation at hand. He sounds more like a spoilt child than an adult that has no clue about how to treat other people with respect. He goes off on tantrums and is them emotionally abusive by giving you the silent treatment, has issues with himself over his inadequacies and (i would guess here, has self esteem issues too) and you know what, for everything that he is, he is slowly turning you into another version of himself - he is forcing you to lower yourself to his level. No wonder his ex's say crap like that to you, probably because he treated them the exact same, and yet they probably too, want to be with him because "when it's good, it's beyond amazing". The ex you mentioned in your last post with her nasty comments that were totally undeserved is, unfortunately stuck with having this guy in her life.

I can't get over the fact that while you were in pain after miscarriage he was off elsewhere and then told you to get over it :eek:

You're not trapping him at all - in fact, he is trapping you. He is using you as a free babysitter and nanny to his kids (a guilt trip in itself because he can't cope with them), and based on his immature behaviour, his ex's that seem like people he has abused in the past (and are directing that abuse towards you, now) god help those kids. Do you really want your daughter growing up in such a hostile, confusing, vile environment where fear and terror is normal?

You don't deserve any criticism whatsoever, and if anyone knew the full story of what you are going through, nobody is going to turn around and say I told you so or make you feel bad about your choice. You couldn't have possibly foreseen this was the way it was going to play out, no matter how lovely this guy was in the beginning. It happens to everyone at one time or other where a choice is made, and sometimes it just doesn't work. Nobody is going to judge you for it, but are instead going to do the best possible for you,

Just one thing though - from my own experience, people who are abusive even verbally who after whatever has been said at the time act like it never happened and just continue on without apologising or validating or acknowledging that they were wrong in what they said (or indeed it was hurtful) are people who will NEVER apologise or realise what they said was wrong, because they have gone through life without ever having to apologise or accept responsibility for their words, actions and behaviour and have never held themselves accountable, and will continue this way until that day comes that there is a consequence for them, where they are made to be accountable.

Look at how this guy is changing you.... where has your happiness gone?

Hairyass

You are being manipulated by this man. He knows exactly how to play on your fears.
Let me guess, he doesn't like any of your friends, family, hangouts etc.That is to isolate you from any get out.
He probably does just enough to keep you there.

I think your job is to raise his kids
As for punching the wall, this guy has anger issues, and sooner than later that fist will land on you!!!
Has he got you turning the food cans label out yet?

Ask yourself one question, can you stay in a relationship where you dont know whats going to set him off next??

ruboo

I'm very confused.
Last night he held me in bed. I didn't want to push him away, I want him to want me, but on the other hand, I want to TALK about this and stop this from happening again.
But, I kept my mouth shut.
He has been unusually lovely today and I am so confused. So, so confused.

All of your advice has made me think a LOT and I will continue to sit on this for a while. I am unfortunately in a situation where I actually do not have anywhere to go. A lot of people say this, but it is true for me. I have a family, but my family look out for themselves mainly and although they may be empathetic to my situation, they would not offer any form of 'help'... so, yeah.

He did at one stage turn around to me and say 'I know I have a lot to be sorry for'. It was kind of shoved in a conversation about something else, but I knew what he was talking about. I don't know if that was my apology, but this isn't over.

Yesterday he tore my heart out and said things that just CAN'T be taken back, you know?

He really, really confuses me.

Thanks again.

Lon Dubh

Being "nice" is just part of the abuse cycle, as it is a way of hooking you in again and confusing you. I don't have direct experience of domestic abuse but I know people who have and I started reading up on it in order to try to understand better. It is the norm for the abusive person to be "nice" some of the time, and it is normally just part of the cycle of a abuse and manipulation.

It is mentioned here (Number 6 in this list of how to recognise abusive people) http://www.mental-health-matters.com/component/content/article/171

booboo88

ruboo wrote: »

I'm very confused.
Last night he held me in bed. I didn't want to push him away, I want him to want me, but on the other hand, I want to TALK about this and stop this from happening again.
But, I kept my mouth shut.
He has been unusually lovely today and I am so confused. So, so confused.

All of your advice has made me think a LOT and I will continue to sit on this for a while. I am unfortunately in a situation where I actually do not have anywhere to go. A lot of people say this, but it is true for me. I have a family, but my family look out for themselves mainly and although they may be empathetic to my situation, they would not offer any form of 'help'... so, yeah.

He did at one stage turn around to me and say 'I know I have a lot to be sorry for'. It was kind of shoved in a conversation about something else, but I knew what he was talking about. I don't know if that was my apology, but this isn't over.

Yesterday he tore my heart out and said things that just CAN'T be taken back, you know?

He really, really confuses me.

Thanks again.

Get out now while you still have your self respect, well whats left of it.
He knows damn well he's in the wrong and trying to sweeten it all now.
You don't need a bruise to be abused:(

thefeatheredcat

ruboo wrote: »

I'm very confused.
Last night he held me in bed. I didn't want to push him away, I want him to want me, but on the other hand, I want to TALK about this and stop this from happening again.
But, I kept my mouth shut.
He has been unusually lovely today and I am so confused. So, so confused

This is only the beginning of a cycle of abuse, I suspect. If he's not going to talk about things openly then whatever he feels/thinks is going to be acted out by verbal abuse and escalating to angry tirades with the frustration and inability to communicate being taken out aggressively on whatever's around imo.

There hasn't been any formal talk between you both to discuss your relationship in a rational, calm manner and he has not apologised nor acknowledged that anything that has been said/done is wrong, and has just carried on as though the fights never happened.

You're confused because his behaviour, now completely the reverse of what you have had the other day is confusing. But it's not. It's systematic. I have a sibling that is verbally abusive and aggressive, and has towards me, escalated physically, to the point I was reminded of what hell he put me through as a child. he behaves in the exact same way your partner does - verbal abuse, no remorse or apologies, acts like nothing ever happened, denies it ever took place, acts all "happy" and "nice" again that you think it's ok and safe, and then wham! back to aggressive behaviour, abusive tirades, threats and god knows what.

In your partner's eyes, he's making up to you, and winning back your love and affection and trust. You are going to be pulled into a false reality of trust. you're going to think "ok, he really does love me. He's treating me well, with respect, with some sort of sense of remorse, is making things up to me, this is his way of saying sorry...." So you're in a false sense of security, which is why when this whole episode happens again (in time, because I can gather now he is in "nice" mode, things will probably be ok for a while, you will probably think, you've sorted things out and you stay with him because when it's good, it's fantastic, and then something will spark a stress), you are going to be completely thrown by his aggressive behaviour, walking on eggshells, scared of what he will do next. And then he will be all sweet and nice again. If you stay long enough in this cycle, you will end up always keeping your mouth shut (so you don't register on his radar or anger him) and going along with it. Then you are forever stuck accepting this behaviour.

If you're not going to leave him, then think about this - at some stage his anger and aggression is going to turn you into someone who is able to antagonise him, and you could end up using as negative words as he does and cutting him down. Domestic abusers don't like to be confronted by the person they are abusing, and certainly don't want them to take control or fight back. Eventually it's going to the point of physical abuse, and because he probably can't take it out on his children (which by the sounds of it he cannot cope with) it will be out on you. And in turn, you him. And in turn, when it is no longer effective on you.... then who? The children? Your daughter as she grows up and learns her own mind and thoughts and speaks out against him? Can you see where I am going with this?

If you really have nowhere to go, then maybe Women's Aid can help. http://www.womensaid.ie/

I suggest that you call your best friend and talk to her.. no doubt after the phone call the other day she is probably worried, and would be scared for you knowing the full story and would offer you a place to stay, and even your daughter. IMO the last place your daughter should be is on the receiving end of his tirades - it's bad enough on you, but eventually, it's not going to be just you he will abuse, but your daughter too, in tearing down her self esteem as he does yours, and even if she is young, it will still have a psychological impact on her and impact her confidence and self esteem.

This is going to be harsh: stop making excuses to stay with him. You have a choice to get out and sort yourself out before any more damage is done to you, your emotional and psychological well-being. If you stay, you are going to become a shadow of your self, lose your confidence, your self worth and eventually believe him when he cuts you down. Ask yourself why his ex's are begging to be back with him? Because they think they are worth nothing without him! Why? Because he broke them and made them think that way. The only way the ex had any power was to LET you have him, thus she still has the power.

Take your power and control back - pack your bags and leave. You are worth so much more than this and you deserve so much better. Someone who loves you will not make you live a life of fear.

In The Sticks

Hi ya.
First of all I am sorry about your loss, coming from a mans point of view I can only imagine what you went through..alone I might add, I think you can see the writing on the wall, you just have to admit it to yourself that you made a mistake with this guy, I am sure some of your friends and family will tell you 'I told you so' but if they are trues friends they will stand by you. My advice is to leave that relationship now, take control of your own life again. not all guys are like him. Best of luck.

fallen01angel

ruboo wrote: »

I'm very confused.
Last night he held me in bed. I didn't want to push him away, I want him to want me, but on the other hand, I want to TALK about this and stop this from happening again.
But, I kept my mouth shut.
He has been unusually lovely today and I am so confused. So, so confused.

All of your advice has made me think a LOT and I will continue to sit on this for a while. I am unfortunately in a situation where I actually do not have anywhere to go. A lot of people say this, but it is true for me. I have a family, but my family look out for themselves mainly and although they may be empathetic to my situation, they would not offer any form of 'help'... so, yeah.

He did at one stage turn around to me and say 'I know I have a lot to be sorry for'. It was kind of shoved in a conversation about something else, but I knew what he was talking about. I don't know if that was my apology, but this isn't over.

Yesterday he tore my heart out and said things that just CAN'T be taken back, you know?

He really, really confuses me.

Thanks again.

Hi OP,this thread is making so mad(sorry).....You're other half is a total control freak:mad::mad:,he treats you like s**t to the point where you're finally about to remove the blinkers and see this guy for what he really is,then he reels you back in "unusual" loveliness.He's not doing this for love's sake he's doing this to make you stay.Op this is really as good as it's going to get for you and your daughter if you don't leave this creep now,it'll be the same cycle next week,month etc.Pack up your stuff and get out while you still have your sanity.

catch me if you can

all i can say your house must be a horrible terrifying place for all the kids involved. shame on you and him for arguing like two fishwifes and destroying these kids lives. which is what you are doing.
your an adult ,stand on your own to feet and move out.

Magicmatilda

It would appear that you will not even entertain the idea of leaving this abusive relationship. Many people have suggested it on here and you have completely ignored that advice and made no reference to it. From your posts it looks as though you come on and post but do not read the replys. As other posters have suggested you are now living in a cycle of abuse, he is difficult to live with, moody, making small snidey, snappy comments. You are walking on eggshells. This goes on for a few weeks until eventually he explodes at you (eventually this will become physical), immediately afterwards he is noce, treating you, buying presents, winning back your affection and then the cycle repeats. As for your claims there is no where to go, there is , there is womens aid not to mention friends. If you are so adamant about staying in this relationship then the least you can do for your daughter is hand over custody to your ex who it would appear can provide a stable home. As you are unable to do this. To keep your child in this environment when there is another alternative is child abuse. Essentially you are chooing this man over your child. I wish I could be more sympathetic but having read your posts I'm afraid I have lost sympathy for you. I feel sympathy for your little girl and for his children.

trio

I feel so sorry for the children in that house. Both the OP and "John" are acting like the kids are blind and deaf. What a horrific environment for those kids to live in.

It's so, so sad.

Distorted

ruboo wrote: »

The man I left my husband for

This phrase jumped out at me OP. You don't even sound as if you like "this man" very much. He simply sounds like he was a get out of jail card for your husband. You then go onto to complain that you live in his house and have to deal with his kids all day - not unreasonable in the circumstances, since it is their family home. You basically come across as very passive - you are complaining about your situation and the people in it but not doing anything to take control of your own situation and create the environment you wish to live in.

Are you working? If so, why don't you simply get your own place, move out and decide whether to continue (this awful sounding) relationship or not? Or be single. Or meet another man. If you are not working, find a job and move out. Take control of your own destiny!

squonk

OP, I'm very sorry for your loss. That's a terrible thing to happen to anyone. You really should get out. I wouldn't treat a dog the way he treats you and you shouldn't put up with it at all under any circumstances.

One thing that jumped out at me very early on though was 'what are you thinking?'. The fact that your current guy has two kids with two different women should have been a bit of a read flag straight away I should have thought? Anyone can find themselves in a situation where a child comes along unexpectedly but you'd expect both to work at the relationship or else call it a day. You'd have to think such a guy would be wiser at the next relationship.

He sounds like a prick. I don't know what possessed you to get involved with this person. You should cut your ties right now. Leave him to his ****ty outlook on life and his string of failed relationships. God help the kids! I'll stop now because I've nothing good to say about this guy and really you should have more value in yourself OP and walk.

Chinafoot

Distorted wrote: »

This phrase jumped out at me OP. You don't even sound as if you like "this man" very much. He simply sounds like he was a get out of jail card for your husband.

This.

OP, I am in no way condoning this man's behaviour but some of the things he said to you regarding your ex husband do seem to have some truth in them. From what you have said here you clearly jumped into this relationship way, way too soon after ending your marriage. You said yourself

Ok, so the pregnancy was a shock. Terrifying. I was not ready. I had just left my EH and I was still reeling with guilt from that. EH and I had been trying for a baby for about 8 months with no luck and he really wanted a baby, and I hoped that a baby would fix my marriage. When John handed the stick to me and I saw the two lines I bawled, and unfortunately the first words out of my mouth were "Poor EH"

This isn't a good start for any relationship, much less a relationship with someone who is clearly abusive!

I agree with the other posters who say that you clearly have no intention of getting yourself out of this situation. I also don't think you are taking in any of the advice people are giving you and you seem to be happy to just treat this like a blog, where you can get it out. While that might make you feel better it certainly won't help you or your child get out of what is clearly a destructive, dysfunctional and potentially dangerous situation.

What do you expect to happen here? How do you think things are going to change when you are doing nothing to break this pattern of behaviour? Do you think he's going to just change overnight and be a caring, respectful and loving partner? Of course he isn't. Wake up ffs.

OP, you might think you're a victim of his behaviour but the fact is you're a volunteer. You are choosing to stay in what you know is a completely f*cked up relationship. The only victims here are those children. Stop being so selfish and focus on your child and get her out of that situation before you and John do some permanent damage.

miec

Hi Op

Quote:
Originally Posted by ruboo
When it's good, it is beyond amazing

I can't for the world see where anything in this relationship could even be amazing, after what you have described.

I can understand why you said the above...when I was with an abusive ex like your partner, I said pretty much the same, the good times were amazing (but grew more infrequent) and they blotted out the bad stuff. Being with my ex was like taking a bad, bad drug, intoxicating but awful.

The thing is you are dealing with two problems: 1) your crippling low self esteem, probably due to past issues - you hinted at this and 2) an abusive current partner. The thing is to be kind to yourself, please try to not blame yourself but at the same time find a way of leaving your partner. You need to if you want any quality of life.

Last year I was in the same boat as you, I was living with an emotionally abusive man, I felt I had no options and no where to go. It took me some time to leave him because I initially did not want to believe my relationship was so bad and also my ex was so nice to me after the horrendous arguments that I just wanted to believe it could be better. I learned eventually that it would never work out. Eventually we broke up, I stayed in the house I am in, and like you I have no family but I did get a job to support myself and my son. It can be done but it is hard. I would urge you to leave him, sadly it will never get better and also from my experience I would not get into discussions or arguments or anything, just make the plan and cut ties cleanly as possible, also he is never, ever going to apologise because in his eyes he did nothing wrong so I wouldn't waste energy trying to get one.

Since leaving my ex I have had to pick up the pieces and I'm only coming out of it recently, I read a lot of books on low self esteem and building it up, one in particular I found useful was Women who love too much by Robin Norwood. I hope you do it and the best of luck.

Katgurl

Sorry OP but I am feeling angry instead of sympathetic toward you.

All the drama, abuse and theatrics are ridiculous. If you were my (childless) friend I would have stopped listening to you by now and told you its your funeral.

But the fact you are a MOTHER puts a whole new light on things. You should be ashamed of yourself dragging a child through that trauma. How must it be for her living in permanent anxiety about whether it will kick off, where she is going to live, worry about you and your ability to MIND her. Not to mention the longer-term lessons you are teaching her of what a relationship looks like. If this continues, you're setting her up for a future of resentment toward you and an acceptance of abuse from men.

If you have no respect for yourself at least leave for your daughter's sake.

I am utterly appalled by this story.

Morbert

Get out for your daughter's sake.

Neyite

Op, I have been in an abusive relationship and I do understand you when you say when its good its amazing, but if you look back you will realise that these times grow further and further apart, meanwhile your self esteem takes another blow, and another and another... Below is what I got from the first on the list in google:
What are the warning signs of an abusive relationship?

Everyone has arguments, and everyone disagrees with their partners, family members and others close to them from time to time.
But if this begins to form a consistent pattern and you feel afraid of your partner, then this in a sign of domestic violence. You may feel like you have no power over your life and that you are being controlled by your partner.

We have listed some warning signs below to help you make sense of your situation. Any one of the following signs is serious. You do not need to experience several, or all of them for your relationship to be abusive.

• You are afraid of your partner.
• You are constantly 'walking on eggshells' because of his mood swings.
• You spend your time working out what kind of mood he is in and the focus is always on his needs.
• He loses his temper easily and over minor things.
• He has hit you or almost hit you and/or your children.
• Your partner has been abusive in a previous relationship.
• He criticises your family and friends and/or makes it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
• He calls you names and threatens you and/or your children.
• He is jealous and accuses you of flirting and having affairs.
• He regularly criticises or undermines you in front of other people - including about the way you look, dress, and/or your abilities as a mother.
• Your needs are not considered important or are ignored, and he makes the decisions in the relationship.
• You find it hard to get time on your own. When you do spend time away from him, he demands to know where you were and who you were with.
• He controls your access to basic essentials such as the car, the family finances, food, the telephone and internet.
• He has forced you to do something that you really did not want to do.
• He has forced you to have sex with him or with other people. He has made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with.
• He has threatened to have you deported because of your immigration status.
• He tries to control aspects of your life such as whether you work, and where; who you see and when; what you can spend; what you can wear; what you watch or listen to on the radio or television.
• He demands to know the passwords to you email account and social networking pages.

If after reading this you think that you are, or might be, living in an abusive relationship read more about domestic violence and find out how you can keep safe. If you have children and are worried about their safety, click here.

Even if you disagree that you are in an abusive relationship, please read up on it anyway, and maybe talk to a counsellor in a nearby womens refuge. You dont have to leave right away, but you will be given good resources and tools to cope until you feel strong enough.

All the best.

healz

It sounds like he is extremely insecure.
Believe me when I say, get the hell out now, and NEVER look back. I was in a similar situation, and the best thing I ever did was get myself, and my daughter out of there.
If you expose your daughter to this kind of relationship, she will think it's normal and possibly end up in a similar situation if you stay with this first-class-bastard.
Do whatever you can to get out, but please, please don't stay with him.
You did make your bed, but I don't know one single individual on this planet who has never made a mistake. How the hell were you suppose to know what he'd turn into? Don't 'lie in it' - get the effing hell out and STAY AWAY FROM HIM.

LegacyUser

Please get out of this situation OP. I can understand your wrapped up the drama of it at the moment and its hard to see past the latest arguement but you need to sit down by yourself for a while and calmly think what good can come from staying with this man.

You have just miscarried a child, you'r marriage has (I presume) recently ended and you have a small daughter to think about. You need stability and calm and to be able to look after your needs and the needs of your daughter. Living with this man is emotionally draining you and doing you no good whatsoever by the sounds of it.

You need to find the strength to see past the petty fights over porn on his phone or telling him when your ex-husband will call over, thats not the biggest issue here at all. Fighting about those things are just a symptom of whats really the problem here, that this is an unhealthy relationship.

I think you need to pack your bags and get away from him. Dont tell him where your going becasue it sounds like he is thriving on treating you badly and is counting on you to be there for him to bully. Dont allow him to. Your doing yourself and your daughter no service if you do.