Leaving abusive household

LegacyUser

Hi everyone I would appreciate any advice or information you might have to offer.
Im 22 now and still living at home. Childhood for me, whenever I was around my dad, was very tough as he was very abusive towards me and my brother physically and mentally. Even when I was being bullied in primary school and my principal failed to do anything about it my dad would allow him to be reported as he would not have gotten his full pension, and I even went to school everyday until I was 18 crying because of his abuse beginning at 7 in the morning. He stopped hitting me but continued verbally when I was about 17, but being around him is still horrible. My brother has turned out to be a very arrogant and aggressive person who would side with my father, and my mother is a very typical Irish mammy where she will do what she can to keep the men happy, and thinks I should get over and on with it. Even now my father will look for something to fight with me over, and although I have learned not to entertain him, it's still very difficult to take after putting up with it for so long. He really has no limits when it comes to what he will do or say to make you feel like dirt and it was the same when I was 8. I've caved before more than once when it got too much.

Last night, when my brother threatened me after I accidentally took something from the fridge belonging to him. When I tried to defend myself I noticed that as usual the parents kept their heads turned. Now, my brother talks to me like a 1 year old to try and make me feel stupid, constantly patronizing me and keep me at the lowest rank in the family. He has actually taken pleasure before in asking me in front of people to try naming one thing that I am better at than him, he would be clever enough and doesn't mind using a talent with words to try cripple me. A few weeks ago he started telling other family members and openly accusing my boyfriend of being a drug dealer, which he defiantly is not! He gets away with treating us like this, my parents know what he's like but wouldn't dare say a thing. I just keep my mouth shut but still get the most of my fathers brute.

I lost it last night anyway, leaving the house and completely wrecking his work shed and breaking a lot of things. When my dad came over to me he accused me of being on drugs (I very certainly was not!), of being ungrateful, of taking an imaginary row I had with my boyfriend out on them. I am ungrateful for any good he has done for me though I guess, because I would give any of that back in an instant if he wouldn't have made so of my life hell. I told him no, that it was out of hate and made it clear that I've put up with enough.

I left and stayed in my boyfriends last night but its not possible to stay here any longer. There are no relatives I would impose myself on and my friends live with their parents. I could not go back to my house, even thinking about it makes me sick. My family would be quite old fashioned, a lot would be left unsaid and talking about how you feel would most likely be ridiculed or dismissed. After getting the guts last night to show and tell him how I feel in the way I did, even thinking about going back makes me ill.

I don't know what to do now. The only reason I was still in that house is because I am broke, have been desperately looking for work for ages now and nothing. I'm supposed to be entering my final year in college in September but am wondering how I can do that since I'm effectively homeless. I don't even know where I can go tonight, and my boyfriend is really upset too because he can't help me out. There is a women's refuge locally, could I go here? What might happen and then what would happen with college? I'm really scared and upset right now and don't know what to do or what will happen. I would really appreciate any advice.

LegacyUser

Im surprised no one has replied to this sooner!! my heart goes out to you OP, this is an absolutely horrific situation! I haven't had experiences such as yours so i cant offer any hard advice, but i do believe you should go straight to the womans shelter... i dont know what it will be like, or what will happen with college, but they will give you ANY information you need!!! they will offer you full support! or do you have a very close friend you could explain the situation to their parents and ask to stay for a while? i know this may feel imposing but they may be able to help you out even if it is only for a night or two. Your brother was brought up to be a bully like your dad, and fair play to you, as you sound like a good person who wouldnt become a bully. i know they are your family and at they end of the day you love them, and i dont believe anyone can tell you exactly what to do in this situation. The womans shelter is probably your best bet.
best of luck OP and keep that head on those strong shoulders of yours

tinkerbell

Wow, OP fair play for finally standing up for yourself - it must have been really difficult since you've been living in an abusive household for years. You need to get away from there - don't go back. Does your mother not care about you at all that she'll happily let you go homeless?

Why can't your boyfriend help you? Why can't friends? Why can't you stay at a relatives house or a grandparents? You need to tell them what is going on ... I'm sure if they knew why you had to leave that they'd help you out?

Galway K9

Happened to me but I legged it when I was 12 in middle of night. My advice is just to go, you'll be much happier anywhere and ya won't look back.

Regarding mom thing, mine was so codependent so didn't wanna leave him.


I've never looked back and still no regrets. Good luck

LegacyUser

Well, you are a very strong person to have put up with that for most of your life so far. I am sorry your father is like that, there is nothing you can do about him, Thank God you are not like him. Maybe he might realise the hurt he cause one day.

My family are like that but about 7 years ago I accepted that I cannot change them, they have their own problems individualy and that may be one of the reasons why they treated me and others like that. You just have to let it be and move on.

Thank God you have a boyfriend and some friends. Imagine if you had no one, that would be very very hard.

Is there any friend that you could stay with? Maybe you can contact women's aid, they have places for women in domestic violence situations. You could contact the samartians I am sure they would have advice for people in your situation. Hopefully you can stay with one of your friends for the meantime. I hope it goes well for you. You are very strong remember you got throught verbal and physical abuse for most of your life, knowing that you can get through anything. Your strenght is inspirational and you have a lot to teach others.

The_Conductor

I concur with Galway K9 - get the hell out of there.
You're 22, you're obviously capable of making your own way in the world- you do not need to be dragged down by your brother.
If you do tell your Mom you're going- don't listen to any bull**** about how she will try to stand up for you more etc- it hasn't happened at this stage- and while she might make a token gesture- it certainly isn't going to happen in the future.

You *need* to get out of there.

LegacyUser

Hi OP!

U poor thing! Honestly like some of the others have said you should be really proud for standing up for yourself. I had a very similar situation with my family, it's much much better now but I did have some very manipulative family members, and even now things have changed I wouldn't trust them still.

I stuck it out but it was complete hell and in your final year you honestly dont deserve that at all. What I would do is go to the refuge and find out what can be done to support yourself, maybe you can meet a social worker and they can help you out there. For the family it'll show you that you're serious, but I'd also recommend looking into getting character refs from people in case they try and accuse you of being on drugs, etc. If they want to make such accusations, etc, let them and don't let their words put you down.

borderlinemeath

You need to get out of this house.

Is there anybody that you can get a loan of money from to get you into your own place? Aunts, uncles, cousins? Even a houseshare would be your own space rather than living on eggshells and being constantly bullied.

Speak to the local shelter, speak to a social worker, and maybe your local community welfare office regarding getting help into getting your own place.

My OH is pushing 40 and his father was very controlling and a bully when he was younger. He never physically abused him but the mental scars are worse. His dad mellowed slightly as he got older but every so often he will come out with a cutting remark or put down that really upsets him, and he hasn't lived at home in 20 years, but he's also never stood up to him so it still bothers him. I get so upset seeing him like this so I can just imagine what you are going through.

LegacyUser

Hey guys OP here, I want to say thanks for the replies, stories advice and all. I have been sleeping in a friends house and my boyfriend has managed to get me in his house a few nights. The reason it is difficult for him to help is because his parents have never allowed me to stay overnight and they wouldn't be comfortable getting involved.

I went to the refuge anyway and a very nice care worker has started the ball rolling, so I've just been off the phone to a social worker who I am meeting tomorrow. It is an uncommon situation, so dealing with it won't be very straightforward. But I feel like I just have to be completely open with them and maybe help will be there for me & that I will get the chance I have been desperate for. The past few days have been absolute ****e but I'm out of there now and now I don't know exactly what will happen of what help I will get but at least (hopefully) I can look forward to never having to deal with with having to live like that again.

And also to smmccarrick, I know its stupid to let my brother get to me like that, but its hard not to when he isn't the only one. Much of why I'm upset at things is seeing my own little brother acting like my dad, its really deeply saddening for me. Unfortunately for him it has become"if you can't beat em join em", and I'm realizing that this was a big factor in my decision to cut it off between us.

Galway K9

claching wrote: »

Hey guys OP here, I want to say thanks for the replies, stories advice and all. I have been sleeping in a friends house and my boyfriend has managed to get me in his house a few nights. The reason it is difficult for him to help is because his parents have never allowed me to stay overnight and they wouldn't be comfortable getting involved.

I went to the refuge anyway and a very nice care worker has started the ball rolling, so I've just been off the phone to a social worker who I am meeting tomorrow. It is an uncommon situation, so dealing with it won't be very straightforward. But I feel like I just have to be completely open with them and maybe help will be there for me & that I will get the chance I have been desperate for. The past few days have been absolute ****e but I'm out of there now and now I don't know exactly what will happen of what help I will get but at least (hopefully) I can look forward to never having to deal with with having to live like that again.

And also to smmccarrick, I know its stupid to let my brother get to me like that, but its hard not to when he isn't the only one. Much of why I'm upset at things is seeing my own little brother acting like my dad, its really deeply saddening for me. Unfortunately for him it has become"if you can't beat em join em", and I'm realizing that this was a big factor in my decision to cut it off between us.

Fair F.u.c.k.s to ya Weldone.

The_Conductor

Galway K9 wrote: »

Fair ****s to ya Weldone.

Well done OP. I can only imagine how scared you are for the future- but you are a strong person, and have made the hardest step of all, a step that means you are going to have a future. Ask for any help at all that may be available to you.

Best wishes,

Shane