Lack of experience, no relationships

LegacyUser

Heya, going unreg for this. Wasn't sure whether to post it in the Relationship Forum or PI, but here goes.

Basically, I am a 20 year old female and I have never had a boyfriend. I've had vague 'texting' relationships with guys that lasted a few weeks but never much more. I have had a few sexual exchanges but I am for all intents and purposes a virgin. Apart from all this, I'm fairly 'normal' I suppose. Reasonably attractive (cringe saying that but so I'm told!), a bit shy at first but reasonably chatty, etc, etc.
However, I feel so down about my lack of 'experience' compared to my friends and peers. My friends almost all have boyfriends, and those who don't are constantly going on dates/having casual sex/meeting guys - but it just never seems to happen for me. I would like to meet someone and have a relationship, but I just don't know where to begin. My lack of experience both sexually and in relationships is something that I feel will cause me embarrassment and awkwardness, I guess I need more confidence. But I feel so behind and left in the dust compared to my friends! I know I shouldn't compare myself but it is difficult when you're with a gang of girls and they are all chatting about the guys they are dating and then they ask me and I have nothing to say.
Am I abnormal for being this way at 20 and will I always be like this?! How can I put myself out there and start up potentially meeting guys? I go to pubs and nightclubs but I'm not a super-showy girl who will go after someone, and to be honest I don't often meet guys that I like!

Kevin Duffy

Well, you're not abnormal for a start. I'd also take what your peers tell you about their sexual experience with a pinch of salt - people often exaggerate, or make an experience out to be a lot better than it was. Not saying they're lying, just don't see it as the absolute truth and feel left out by comparing your experience.

If you're not meeting the right fellas when you go out, don't sweat it - it's not the only reason to go out and there's no reason from what you've said that you won't meet one who's for you some night. It might also pay off to look around in other places, you never know where you might meet someone. When you are out, wherever, you can strike up conversations - don't see it as "going after" someone, just chat and see what happens. I'm sure they'll come to you too, but don't hold back to much, make the first step sometimes.

You're still quite young - I don't mean that patronisingly, I mean you have lots ahead of you and where you are now isn't the final chapter, you'll have lots of oppertunities.

HTH and best of luck to you.

lace

Hi OP!

First off - there is nothing abnormal about you or your situation. You will not be like this forever.

Although tv/movies/magazines create the image that most people are out having great relationships and sex lives from their mid to late teens, the reality is that an awful lot of people don't have sex till they're in their twenties.

Your friends just want to live up to this image too. I find that a lot of women feel as though they have to speak as though they're sitting found the dinner table in a episode of Sex and the City when they socialise in groups.

As Kevin's said above - it's likely a lot of their stories are somewhat exaggerated. They probably feel exactly the same pressure you're feeling now to fit in and have a certain amount of experience under their belts.

Experience isn't everything. You say you're looking for a relationship rather than casual sex. Someone who you're comfortable with and who really likes you won't care how many other guys you've been with or how many positions you can pull off. If you're honest with him about your virginity he'll probably feel honoured to be the one you decide to explore sex with (I know it sounds so cheesey but it's true!).

You need to get comfortable talking to guys. Just chatting and having the craic. You don't have to see it as seeking out and chatting up the ones you're attracted to. See it as talking to lots of people and finding out who you're attracted to.

Perhaps you're not meeting guys you like because you're not looking in the right places? Pubs and clubs aren't the only way to meet guys - and a lot of the guys who go there are specifically looking for girls who want something casual - so I'd suggest expanding your search.

Maybe you could join some local club/group of volunteer for something - anything that will get you out meeting new people in an environment where you can get to know people without the pressure of being in a club with everyone pairing off and your friends watching you. Chat to lots of people and if there's someone you like just get to know him. Add him on facebook. Chat casually. See if there's any common interests there.

You don't have to "put yourself out there", per se, by going into things with the specific intention of finding a boyfriend. Just make some new (male) friends and see if you're interested in any of them.

Good luck!

verlona12

I find the best way to meet a guy is either through friends or clubs. Nightclubs and pubs are harder to meet men as most men will just go for an easy lay, and that there isn't many men there that are looking for a woman to have a relationship with, not a one night stand.
Social gatherings with friends are great for meeting guys, so if one of your friends is bringing their boyfriend, ask them to bring some of their boyfriends friends. I meet my current boyfriend from my best friend who knew him. Of all the times I've been to nightclubs the only thing I've learned is any guy that talked to me, only wanted me for the one night.
Get talking to people and build your social circle, so that you will know a lot more people - men and women

Sleepy

On your fears about your lack of experience:

Speaking only for myself, sex is one of those areas where enthusiasm and appetite are far more important than experience. I've known girls who've slept with loads of people who were boring in bed and virgins who've become goddesses over the course of a couple of months.

Even for the most experienced of lovers, it takes time to learn what any new partner likes in bed: anyone who thinks he/she knows everything there is to know about sex is a misguided fool. In your position, while the whole experience of sharing yourself with someone may be new for you, the experience of making love with you will be entirely new for your partner. You'll be learning what works for you as a couple together, and there are few forms of learning in life that are as pleasurable.

The one piece of advice I see repeated over and over again for women is to make sure you know your own body before expecting a partner to be able to satisfy it. If you can't give yourself multiple orgasms, don't expect anyone else to be able to do so.

There are a lot of guys out there who prefer partners to be lacking in experience (the whole virgin / whore thing). Even for those of us without such religious / social hang-ups, however, it's an incredible, and somewhat humbling, privilege to be the first person someone shares themselves with in a sexual fashion.

So, don't let your lack of experience scare you off, the only man it'd scare off is the one who wants a whore to service him rather than a lover to share a mutually enjoyable love/ sex-life with.

RhubarbCrumble

Hi OP,

First of I just want to say to you that you're not abnormal at all. I was 19 before I had a proper relationship and like you was relatively inexperienced until then. Had kissed a few guys but not much more and was 20 the first time I had sex. It wasn't a deliberate decision and at the time I remember being the same as you, thinking that everyone else had so much more experience than me and had been in a lot more relationships and everything.

I'm 30 now and have slept with 3 guys and that's been in 3 long term relationships. I have friends of mine who have slept with many many more, but it doesn't bother me anymore. Everyone is different so don't worry too much about what other people are doing.

Also don't worry about not having too much experience. My first boyfriend was 10 years older than me and had a lot more experience than I did. I told him the truth before we slept together as I didn't think I could just pretend to know what I was doing if you know what I mean. He wasn't bothered at all, it made no difference to him, so don't be stressing over that.

I met my first boyfriend and began a relationship when I least expected it, so you never know what's round the corner for you

nicechick!

unregistered wrote: »

Heya, going unreg for this. Wasn't sure whether to post it in the Relationship Forum or PI, but here goes.

Basically, I am a 20 year old female and I have never had a boyfriend. I've had vague 'texting' relationships with guys that lasted a few weeks but never much more. I have had a few sexual exchanges but I am for all intents and purposes a virgin. Apart from all this, I'm fairly 'normal' I suppose. Reasonably attractive (cringe saying that but so I'm told!), a bit shy at first but reasonably chatty, etc, etc.
However, I feel so down about my lack of 'experience' compared to my friends and peers. My friends almost all have boyfriends, and those who don't are constantly going on dates/having casual sex/meeting guys - but it just never seems to happen for me. I would like to meet someone and have a relationship, but I just don't know where to begin. My lack of experience both sexually and in relationships is something that I feel will cause me embarrassment and awkwardness, I guess I need more confidence. But I feel so behind and left in the dust compared to my friends! I know I shouldn't compare myself but it is difficult when you're with a gang of girls and they are all chatting about the guys they are dating and then they ask me and I have nothing to say.
Am I abnormal for being this way at 20 and will I always be like this?! How can I put myself out there and start up potentially meeting guys? I go to pubs and nightclubs but I'm not a super-showy girl who will go after someone, and to be honest I don't often meet guys that I like!

My advice stay this way be your own person don't strive to fit into the norm so to speak your young in time you will meet someone, in time you will gain experience life is a journey an enjoyable one! It will happen when you least expect it

Don't worry/stress or dwell over what your friends are doing, what or where you think you should be in life!!

Sean89

I felt I should reply as I am in a very similar position. I am a 22 yr old guy and iv never had a gf or been in a relationship and I'm still a virgin. I think I'm fairly normal in every other way but I understand how you feel. I'm not really into the whole ons thing so don't make much of an effort to meet women in nightclubs or pubs. I wish I had better advice but just letting you know that your not alone.