Girlfriend has left me

LegacyUser

So my gf of about 2 years has broken up with me a couple of weeks ago. I am 31. We just didn’t work together as I was always anxious as she didn’t really give me what I needed. She never told me she loved me and couldn’t really commit to me that much and I just felt uneasy around her after getting none of this from her after so long and it got out of hand. She also stopped having sex with me and when she did it just felt awkward as I couldn’t help feeling like she was just doing it to keep me quiet. She’s not the most loving person and I am so we were a bad match. So I don’t really blame her for breaking up with me I just didn’t have the courage to do it but we’re not right. She is really beautiful and has lots of friends here so she’ll be fine moving on but I’m kind of screwed. I moved to a different country for her and now I’m alone in this huge metropolis. I was only here about 6 weeks and then she left me. We were not living together. I miss her dearly but I’m trying to stop texting etc as it just ends in arguments. She works quite near to my office too which is bad because it’s so easy to meet for a coffee which we did yesterday, and that just sparked off another day of text/phone call drama. Was texting this morning and I've found myself saying "please can we try" etc something I said I'd never do as I know it really turns women off but it's too late now I've been so desperate and lonely the last couple of weeks I've resorted to that. I hate myself for it. I am ashamed. I don’t really know how to live my life now. I am waking up at 5am every morning wonder how I ended up here and walking around like a zombie. I have only one close friend here and he’s depressed so not really good company to be around we’re a bad partnership and all we do is drink.
I was living my whole life for my girlfriend and had all my happiness invested in her. I know now it was a stupid thing to do but I had nothing else of interest going on in my life. My line of work bores me to tears but it pays ok and it cost a fortune for me to move here so I can’t change that.
Anyway I don’t know what to do now. I have no one to turn to. I don’t have any interests really that I can think of so I just don’t know what to do with my time. I go to the gym a fair bit and am in really good shape but it’s still a solitary thing. I am a good looking guy but I rarely can chat to girls in bars it just usually doesn't click. I am bitter and angry at the girl who left me when things got hard. While I was back home we were doing long distance for a year and I hated it, I missed her so much, I was drinking like crazy trying to kill the anxiety the long distance caused me. I was only living for our visits to each other. Then I got here to live and I was still anxious about everything and it drove her away.
Where do I go from here? I’m trying not to drink too much as I know it makes things worse. How do I keep my mind off her? She'll be out meeting new guys etc while I am miserable. The thought of her with someone else is making me physically sick. I don’t know how to meet new people, and the people at work are just not my kind of people. I am at my wit’s end and honestly when the subway comes into the station in the mornings part of me wishes I could just jump under it. I see no hope at all. I have been through breakups before but nothing as harsh as this and I've never wanted anyone so bad. I think I liked her too much and the pressure and patheticness of it all drove her away. Women want a real man not a pushover. I am desperate for advice.

LegacyUser

Hi there, my advise is to take a break from contact with this person as from you post it seems that the relationship with her causes you a lot of stress and anxiety. From what you have said it would seem that the relationship is over and you will have to move on with your life. You have identified some issues that you need to address i.e your lonelyness in a big city, anxiety, bored with your job I think all of this along with the breakup of your relationship is making things seem worse. Perhaps you could find a counseller to help you deal with these issues? you also should try and find a new hobbie/pastime that involves meeting other people. Sure you say that you dont have any interests but you should try some new things that you've never done before and if you dont like them sure there nothing lost, but you'll eventually find something that interests you. Please dont do anything silly like jump in front of a train, the pain you are experiencing is only temporary, go and see a counseller and work out the stuff that is going on in your head.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Ok first of all I want you to know that I can completely understand your predicament.
I have been there, done that myself before and it hurts like hell. Especially when you are thousands of miles away from home, family and friends.

My first step , would be to try and get home to your friends and family and people who can support you through this difficult time. Its a crap thing to be going through and even harder to be going through it alone.

Here is the tough love though brother... from the little bit you have said here it doesn't sound like she loves/cares about you in the same way that you do for her. She shouldn't have let you move over to her knowing she didn't feel the same way or that she could not recriprocate the level of affection you gave her. Even if she lost attraction (and people do , it's not their fault), having been with you for so long she should have respected that you really loved her and not led you up the garden path. This is something I found out first hand myself a few months ago. There are women out there (and men too) who are just not capable of loving someone. It isn't your fault. Nobody will make them happy.
It's not a compatability thing (because an inherrant coldness and lack of empathy or willingness to think about the other person is the makings of a crazy old cat lady or the 60 year old bachelor who just doesn't want anyone in his life... you get the picture). Now there are far more interesting nice, decent, women out there who ARE capable, but it sounds like you stumbled across someone who is just cold and loves herself more than you... otherwise why would she let you move over and dump you. Why was she cutting off intimacy with you (a very selfish thing)? Why didn't she end it when she knew over a two year period that she didn't love you. right?

Her reasons for breaking may well be absolutely nothing to do with you two, but it sounds like she has lost attraction to you for whatever reason. You can and could get it back (you had it before right at some point) but it can be a lot of work and then you really have to ask yourself the question 'do you really want this girls attraction back ?' or are you better off without. Also as someone who got someone back like that only for it to end again a second time, usually the reasons for ending the first time come back the second. The second time I learnt my lesson and walked.

So....

DAMAGE CONTROL!
I would put coming back to Ireland at teh top of the list but if that is not an option... then here is what I think you should do...

First things first. Cut contact. You gotta go complete no contact dude. I know she is the only one you know over there, still for your own sanity. Kill the contact. That means everything, text, phone, facebook, myspace etc... the works. She ended it, she doesn't get you. Full stop.
This has a double advantage. First if she does still have feelings and needs a kick up the arse to remind her and meet you half way, then you are giving her the gift of missing you. But most importantly it is giving you time and space to get over this heart ache and get perspective.
I know it sounds meaningless now but time does heal dude When my gf left me I was devastated, I still think about her lots and I found it so hard to take the advice I'm giving you here but it's helping me moving forward.

Second thing. Join some clubs, hobbies, preferable new ones that have no connection to the two of you. Keep up the gym cause it will keep you in shape and allows you to burn off stress.

Third. Force yourself to do one thing every day that betters you. Be that helping an old lady with her shopping, opening the door for someone, you get the picture. Something simple.

Fourth. Most guys at some stage (and again been there done that and got the t shirt) start acting out of desperateness at some point in their lives when they meet their first 'One' that they are afraid to loose. The lesson from this is a good but painful one. A relationship is balanced 50/50. When someone treats you badly and you are afraid to walk away you loose attraction because you loose respect for yourself. Don't worry ... cutting contact you will get that respect back from the people that matter (yourself, your friends, family etc..). She was not afraid to walk away. You were. The funny thing is if you had been prepared to walk when she first started treating you badly/incompatible she prob would have put more effort in. Like I said though, it's a learning experience.

Fifth. By now you are probably going to tell me, 'oh but she is the one I want her back etc ...'. I don't believe you. In fact I won't believe you until you go out there and get to know lots more women. That doesn't mean sleep with a random girl on the street or look to jump into another relationship. I mean get to know and get better with women in general. Make friends and only go out there looking for friends. At least 20 new women , to pick a number. This is good because it will teach you that there are lots of other nice, genuine, funny, caring, loving and probably better women out there for you. If you still come back here after doing all that (and i would be surprised) then I'd say fine , reconnect with her (but do not work to get her back). Definitely do not reconnect with her while you still have strong feelings. Next time you see her IF you do (whcih again I totally advise against), you need to have yourself in a better frame for your own sake. She should have to work for you, but again like I said earlier, is she worth getting back.

Congratulations dude , you may not know it yet but you are now one step closer to meeting that girl who is for you. I know I am!

LegacyUser

hi thanks for your replies! I know I need to start the no contact thing but I'm just really annoyed at the moment. I did talk to her briefly on Saturday but hopefully that's the last time. I am just annoyed as her reason was "we just don't work", well we didn't work because of the total lack of intimacy and interest since I moved here drove me nuts and made me feel like a proper idiot for moving here. So obviously she is not attracted to me anymore I guess there's nothing I can do. I don't like the idea that she thinks I'll just be waiting around for her forever in case she changes her mind. For a 35 year old she's been acting like a child in some ways. But right now there is nothing I want more than to be with her. I kissed some girl and got her number on Friday night and texted yesterday, she wants to go for a drink during the week. I'm not sure my head is in the right place for this but I need to get out there and meet people I suppose. I'm really angry with ex now. But you're right I put up with some crap from her and probably should have walked in the past so she has probably lost all respect for me. I mean I really tried with this one having treated women badly in the past, and now I get dumped for it. SIGH.