To get back with the ex?

LegacyUser

Greetings Boardsies, just looking for some advice, if anyone could help I'd really appreciate it.

My ex of less than a year broke up with me a couple of months ago, out of the blue, however I still deeply care about him and ultimately would like to get back together.

He told me last week that he still cares about me and said maybe we could get back together in the future if we worked through the issues but that he couldn't promise anything. He thinks small steps are needed as we couldn't just go straight back to being in a relationship which I agree with. But how do I even go about doing this? Do I wait for him to contact me? I obviously can't go back to how we were but I don't know which way to act?

I made it clear that if he didn't want to be with me to not lead me on and to let me go so I can move on.

I really would love for us to be able to work things out and to get back together but I'm afraid he is only saying there's a possibility of it to assauge his guilt or that he likes me as a friend only or keeping me on the back burner til he finds someone else, and I don't want to waste any more time if that is the case. How can I determine how he really feels?

Has anyone ever been here or objectively have any advice. I can't discuss it with my friends as they are all really annoyed with how he's acted since we broke up (can't go into details in case I'm recognised).

fallen01angel

hmmm 456 wrote: »

I can't discuss it with my friends as they are all really annoyed with how he's acted since we broke up (can't go into details in case I'm recognised).

This jumped off the page at me OP,it's v rare that friends will steer you wrong,I know you don't want to broadcast it but can you give any indication into what the issues of the relationship were?Think you need to think very carefully before you give this another shot,especially when the original break up happened so suddenly.

Miss Fluff

hmmm 456 wrote: »

He told me last week that he still cares about me and said maybe we could get back together in the future if we worked through the issues but that he couldn't promise anything. He thinks small steps are needed as we couldn't just go straight back to being in a relationship which I agree with

What are small steps then? Maybe sleeping together but not being back in a relationship? Or perhaps to be there for sh1ts and giggles sometimes and to keep each other company?

I hate to sound so cynical here OP but I would really be very very careful. This guy has hurt you massively and now wants to forge some kind of faux reunion based on HIS terms? Please don't.

Your friends will rarely set you wrong. I know mine haven't. Listen to them. If they are so against you going back there it is probably with very good reason. If you knew this wasn't wrong you'd be openly discussing it with your friends. The fact that you're hiding it from them says it all really doesn't it hon?

LegacyUser

I once got back with an ex... and married him. It wasn't a terribly happy ending but that's another story and I don't want to be cynical.

People get back with exes all this time. Sometimes it leads to happy ever after, sometimes it doesn't. But major warning bells here because of this baby steps nonsense. You've already gotten to know each other, so that means it's a case of in or out. There is no middle ground.

And if he wants to get back with you then why the delay? Why are you anxious about contact him? I think it's because you're picking up on the vibe: he just wants the security of knowing you're still there for him.
I could be completely wrong, this is an internet forum, it's easy to make a snap judgement and you have to live with your decisions.
At your next point of contact with him (initiated by him?) say that you've thought it through and you're not a wishy washy person who does things by halves so you'll hold out for the real deal. Leave him guessing if you mean the real deal with him or with someone else.
It's tough, I know.

RhubarbCrumble

OP, it's hard for me to say without knowing exactly what the issues you mentioned are. However I went through something similar. Ended up splitting up with my ex and getting back together not once but twice. Looking back now it was foolish of me to go back the second time, but i suppose I wasn't thinking clearly then.

Basically the issues we were having trouble with just caused problems again. I tried my hardest but he wasn't willing to change at all, so i finally ended it once and for all. He wanted to get back together again (looking back now I can see that he just wanted to get back with me for sex being quite blunt about it) but I wouldn't.

Every relationship is different OP, but just have a long think about the issues and question and whether you think they can really be resolved or not.

Wibbs

If the problems you had before are still problems the relationship won't work second time around, the same way it didn't first time around. If they've been actually dealt with then it's worth a try.

Humria

My immediate reaction to this is that he is keeping his opinions open with little regard for how it may affect you. He wants to be able to change his mind later if he feels like it. He doesn't want to be with you at the moment but he doesn't want to go through the pain of separation. In this kind of situation he is probably getting some of the benefits of being in a relationship without having to make any commitments. There are two possible outcomes: 1. He keeps in contact with you until he doesn't want/need you anymore and then will discard you without much concern (the more likely option) 2. He eventually decides he wants to get back together with you (the less likely option)

If you really want this guy back (tbh he doesn't sound like he is worth it) you need to show that you are someone of value and that he will need to make an effort if he wants to be with you. He needs to feel the consequence of the break-up i.e. that he doesn’t have immediate access to your company. I'd suggest cutting contact for a while: by withdrawing from the situation you are giving him the opportunity to miss you. If he wants you he can find you so you don't need to leave the door wide open.

For your own sake I'd suggest treating this as an actual and permanent break-up. You could waste a long time hanging onto him just to find that he has completely moved on without letting you know. Focusing on getting over him (while harder initially) will put you in a better place in the long run, even if you decide to get back with him

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and offer advice, I really appreciate it.

I have met up with him since I last posted and you are right, he doesn't want to be my boyfriend "right now but maybe in the future", he won't try work on the issues and he says only time will do that, what a load of tosh!

So I have told him that's it, he's had his chances, he's had a couple of months to miss me since we broke up and if he still doesn't know what he wants,that I'm not hanging around any more waiting for him to decide. I told him to never ever contact me again- in any shape or form.

Absolutely heartbroken as although I tried to keep my hopes to a minimum, I still thought we could fix things but if he doesn't know now then he's only keeping me around ( as you all rightly pointed out) to get his emotional needs met whilst hurting me further. He doesn't want to cut contact but I was insistent. I just hope he doesn't try to contact me as I fear I would weaken if he did. It's hard enough as it is, I keep checking my emails and phone and stupidly am disappointed when there is nothing. I am so so upset. I'm sad that I didn't mean more to him.

Thanks again to everyone who replied.

Wibbs

hmmm 456 wrote: »

I have met up with him since I last posted and you are right, he doesn't want to be my boyfriend "right now but maybe in the future", he won't try work on the issues and he says only time will do that, what a load of tosh!

Bingo. Tosh it is, though being less polite than your good self I'd use more strident terms. Being as polite as I can be I'd say it's what you would step in if you followed a male member of the bovine species around a field for long enough. "Not right now, but maybe in the future" translates as "I'm fobbing you off because I don't have the spine to be honest" and/or(and worse again) "Hey it might be handy to keep you as a backup plan, so Ill string you along, until I find someone else". Variants of this include "I'm confused/I hope I get my feelings back down the line/Let's take a break,(with the hint of reconcilliation of course)/If we're meant to be, we'll know in time". Now while exceptions prove the rule I've yet to meet one in these cases. It's always BS. It's always them taking advantage for their own ends(consciously or not).

Of course if you're being dumped and in emotional shock and loss, you'll bite at even the scantiest hope which makes this worse, unless...

So I have told him that's it, he's had his chances, he's had a couple of months to miss me since we broke up and if he still doesn't know what he wants,that I'm not hanging around any more waiting for him to decide. I told him to never ever contact me again- in any shape or form.

...you're you. Fair play and kudos. That's exactly the right step forward. You're past a major hurdle. Now like you describe you will suffer the odd pang, but you're defo past the worst.