Friends issue, is it them or me??

LegacyUser

Right not sure really where to start but I have been battling with myself for weeks over issues I seem to be having with friends.

The thing is I seem to have fallen out with alot of my friends recently. 3 in particular, 3 friends that I loved with all of my heart. I'm not sure whether I've just lost tolarance for bull sh*it or what.

Right friend one, she is a friend since we were 10 (we are 29 a now). She is what I classed as my best friend. Grew up together met boys together, practically lived with each other growing up. She was also my bridesmaid. I have been there for her 100 and 10 percent. Was her shoulder to cry on etc whenever she needed me. Whenever I needed her she was never there but I kinda accepted that for a while. As we got older, got jobs, bought houses, had kids etc cracks really began to show. She said she wouldn't be able to make my 21st. (She came but left after an hour).She told me I was too good for my fiance (who is now my husband), told me I needed botox for my forehead, told me the wedding dress I picked looked like you would have to be a stick insect to wear it. They are just some of the things she has said. I just felt like she put me down all of the time. We drifted apart somewhat and just met up now and again. The last few times I saw her I got a vibe from her, things just didn't feel right. I then heard she had been spreading stories about me, I confronted her and she started turning it on me saying things like "Don't go thinking u are a great friend cos you are not" This really hurt cos I feel like I was. She was so heartless and hurtful, I just said I wouldn't contact her again. That was April, haven't heard a thing since. Thing is her son is m godchild and I haven't saw him either. I miss her, not the friend of the last few years but my childhood friend, that friend I grew up with. I feel like I am never going to hear from her again and part of me is annoyed at myself for even wanting to hear from her.

Friend 2, is someone I know all my life but are only really good friends the last 5 or so years. She is the most selfish person I have ever met, everyone says it. We'd go out on a night out and we would have to go where she wants to go all of the time. She would ring and keep u on the phone talking about herself for hours and never even bother asking about you. My housewarming she said she would come but was leaving at 10. My birthday was last weekend and there was a meal booked. She didn't bother showing up and then when she met us she disappeared with some stranger. I don't go out often so found this really upsetting and just proved how selfish she was. I haven't been in contact with her since and don't know whether I should bother. She s obsessed with her daughter, (I also have 2 daughters). Anything my DDs get, she has to get the same for her DD. Really obsessive like.

Sorry for the essay but need advice. Lastly phew, friend 3.
Friend 3 is my friend from school. We go out together at the weekend and I can say she has been there for me more than the other 2. Things she she is fleecing the social welfare for all its worth. She gets lone parents, ce scheme and her fiance works and has a great living. They have been on cruises, Florida, Italy, Spain all in the last 2 years. I never really noticed before but since the recession hit my family its really starting to bug me. Both my Husband and I work and by the time bills and all are paid there is nothing left, literally. I just can't seem to stomach it anymore and have been avoiding her.

Right so what should I do, quit while I'm ahead and move on or is it me with the problem??
Please I need some outside opinions.

If u have reached this far thanks so much for reading and I appreciate the advice

Moomoo1

Harper13 wrote: »

Right not sure really where to start but I have been battling with myself for weeks over issues I seem to be having with friends.

The thing is I seem to have fallen out with alot of my friends recently. 3 in particular, 3 friends that I loved with all of my heart. I'm not sure whether I've just lost tolarance for bull sh*it or what.

Right friend one, she is a friend since we were 10 (we are 29 a now). She is what I classed as my best friend. Grew up together met boys together, practically lived with each other growing up. She was also my bridesmaid. I have been there for her 100 and 10 percent. Was her shoulder to cry on etc whenever she needed me. Whenever I needed her she was never there but I kinda accepted that for a while. As we got older, got jobs, bought houses, had kids etc cracks really began to show. She said she wouldn't be able to make my 21st. (She came but left after an hour).She told me I was too good for my fiance (who is now my husband), told me I needed botox for my forehead, told me the wedding dress I picked looked like you would have to be a stick insect to wear it. They are just some of the things she has said. I just felt like she put me down all of the time. We drifted apart somewhat and just met up now and again. The last few times I saw her I got a vibe from her, things just didn't feel right. I then heard she had been spreading stories about me, I confronted her and she started turning it on me saying things like "Don't go thinking u are a great friend cos you are not" This really hurt cos I feel like I was. She was so heartless and hurtful, I just said I wouldn't contact her again. That was April, haven't heard a thing since. Thing is her son is m godchild and I haven't saw him either. I miss her, not the friend of the last few years but my childhood friend, that friend I grew up with. I feel like I am never going to hear from her again and part of me is annoyed at myself for even wanting to hear from her.

Friend 2, is someone I know all my life but are only really good friends the last 5 or so years. She is the most selfish person I have ever met, everyone says it. We'd go out on a night out and we would have to go where she wants to go all of the time. She would ring and keep u on the phone talking about herself for hours and never even bother asking about you. My housewarming she said she would come but was leaving at 10. My birthday was last weekend and there was a meal booked. She didn't bother showing up and then when she met us she disappeared with some stranger. I don't go out often so found this really upsetting and just proved how selfish she was. I haven't been in contact with her since and don't know whether I should bother. She s obsessed with her daughter, (I also have 2 daughters). Anything my DDs get, she has to get the same for her DD. Really obsessive like.

Sorry for the essay but need advice. Lastly phew, friend 3.
Friend 3 is my friend from school. We go out together at the weekend and I can say she has been there for me more than the other 2. Things she she is fleecing the social welfare for all its worth. She gets lone parents, ce scheme and her fiance works and has a great living. They have been on cruises, Florida, Italy, Spain all in the last 2 years. I never really noticed before but since the recession hit my family its really starting to bug me. Both my Husband and I work and by the time bills and all are paid there is nothing left, literally. I just can't seem to stomach it anymore and have been avoiding her.

interesting, so you complain that nos. 1 and 2 avoid you, and then go and avoid no. 3?

also, you say no. 1 is judgemental of the way you live, but equally you are judgemental of the way no. 3 lives?

good friends who are there for you (which 1 and 2 are not) are a prized commodity, I wouldn't throw them away like confetti over something as trivial as SW. Just look around you and see how much all the rich people are fleecing this country for, in comparison to that what she takes is a pittance...

premierlass

It seems to how much you are willing to take for the sake of friendship is something for your judgement. The first two mistreat you; you resent the third. It's something only you can decide.

LegacyUser

But the fact is Moomoo1, she is taking something that is not hers. She is not entitles to claim anything as much as I am not entitles to claim anything. I work hard for everything I have and she gets it handed to her on a plate, of course I am resentful.

While I agree its the bigwigs at the top are fleecing the country blind, benefit fraud all adds up. I am not paying my taxes to pay for my friend and the likes lifestyle. Its unfair but it goes on alot.

Thanks for the reply though, and premierlass, think I've come to the end of my tether now with them all, just abit upset about it as they friends for a long time.

Overheal

I am not paying my taxes to pay for my friend and the likes lifestyle.

Correction: You don't want to be paying for that lifestyle. Fact: You are.

Just about every taxpayer is guilty of this. Ah sure it's just a couple people I know. They're alright. Except everyone thinks like that. Which is how so many people get away with it. As the taxpayer in this scenario don't you feel like the onus is on you to call out when your taxes aren't being used correctly? You'd certainly give out if you paid €20 for a meal and your side order was sent to the wrong table. Or if you thought you were donating to Haiti but in reality the money went to buy a Red Cross executive a new Lexus. And when you pay your taxes you expect hospitals to be funded, bridges to be built, the poor to be fed. Not for politicians to take all your money as salary and the well off to scam the dole system.

premierlass

Overheal wrote: »

Correction: You don't want to be paying for that lifestyle. Fact: You are.

Just about every taxpayer is guilty of this. Ah sure it's just a couple people I know. They're alright. Except everyone thinks like that. Which is how so many people get away with it. As the taxpayer in this scenario don't you feel like the onus is on you to call out when your taxes aren't being used correctly? You'd certainly give out if you paid €20 for a meal and your side order was sent to the wrong table. Or if you thought you were donating to Haiti but in reality the money went to buy a Red Cross executive a new Lexus. And when you pay your taxes you expect hospitals to be funded, bridges to be built, the poor to be fed. Not for politicians to take all your money as salary and the well off to scam the dole system.

I agree: report them. You resent it, it's wrong, so where's the problem?

niceoneted

Report friend three for benefit fraud. The problem in this country is people are unwilling to report people.
In relation to the other 2 friends I think the friendships seem to have just run there course. I have had similar situations. You move on and make new friends.

Moomoo1

Harper13 wrote: »

But the fact is Moomoo1, she is taking something that is not hers. She is not entitles to claim anything as much as I am not entitles to claim anything. I work hard for everything I have and she gets it handed to her on a plate, of course I am resentful.

While I agree its the bigwigs at the top are fleecing the country blind, benefit fraud all adds up. I am not paying my taxes to pay for my friend and the likes lifestyle. Its unfair but it goes on alot.

Thanks for the reply though, and premierlass, think I've come to the end of my tether now with them all, just abit upset about it as they friends for a long time.

benefit fraud doesn't add up to all that much, on the grand scale of things. Plus, even if you report her and she gets busted, will your taxes go down? Probably not, they will just divert money from the dole to some other much less useful cause.

it's up to you to decide what's more important at the end of the day, your principles or your friends. I'd always go for friends.

I am a friend

Moomoo1 wrote: »

benefit fraud doesn't add up to all that much, on the grand scale of things. Plus, even if you report her and she gets busted, will your taxes go down? Probably not, they will just divert money from the dole to some other much less useful cause.

ds.

Wha....? Ridiculous..every penny counts and why should they get away with it when others suffer

Overheal

Moomoo1 wrote: »

benefit fraud doesn't add up to all that much, on the grand scale of things. Plus, even if you report her and she gets busted, will your taxes go down? Probably not, they will just divert money from the dole to some other much less useful cause.

Benefit fraud is difficult to put a figure on. Because it's fraud. It's not being enumerated. Thats the whole idea. And less useful things like...? Hospitals?

We're about to get off topic so suffice to say thats misguided. Nothing against the friend principle, but that friend is scamming you out of pocket.

Wolfe Tone

Don't report your friend, friends don't rat on each other. Is that the only thing you are avoiding her over?

Overheal

You're suggesting she doesn't report a crime? Surely that's illegal in itself?

stamfordbridge

Harper13 wrote: »

Friend 2, is someone I know all my life but are only really good friends the last 5 or so years. She is the most selfish person I have ever met, everyone says it.

Then why are you friends with her? You can choose your friends - if you think she is extremely selfish and not a nice person, why would you even want to be friends with her? Why do you describe her as "a really good friend"? It seems to be time to cut out the bad friendships in your life and move on. Quality over quantity any day.

LegacyUser

Apologies was not on line all weekend, thanks for the replies.

Regarding the benefit fraud, she has been reported 3 times! She keeps getting away with it. They have visited her house, she told them that her partner was just there to collect the kids for an over night visit. You would not believe the lengths she goes to to riggle her way out.

On the other two friends, you are all right, they are not worth it. Friend 2 I haven't bothered with at all thinking she might contact me but nope not a word. Friend 1 I haven't heard from since April so doubt I will be hearing from her again.

I need to make new friends but its so hard!

tinkerbell

Harper13 wrote: »

Apologies was not on line all weekend, thanks for the replies.

Regarding the benefit fraud, she has been reported 3 times! She keeps getting away with it. They have visited her house, she told them that her partner was just there to collect the kids for an over night visit. You would not believe the lengths she goes to to riggle her way out.

On the other two friends, you are all right, they are not worth it. Friend 2 I haven't bothered with at all thinking she might contact me but nope not a word. Friend 1 I haven't heard from since April so doubt I will be hearing from her again.

I need to make new friends but its so hard!

Report her again.

As for making new friends, well those "friends" you have don't sound like friends anyway.

leahyl

God almighty girls are such bitches (and I'm a girl!). You never see threads from guys about having problems with their male friends.

OP they don't sound like friends to me. I'm amazed that you've known them for so long and they would treat you this way. You need to have it out with them or else move on.

vicecreamsundae

As for if it's them or you, it's probably a bit of both.

I've had my share of fall outs with friends, and there have been occassions where I know I've done nothing wrong by them, but looking back I can see how maybe they misinterpreted something I said or did.

With the first friend, you imply you just drifted apart, and yet you mention four or five particular things she said, that you felt were snarky. Did you ever confront her about any of them? My feeling is that you were collecting little grudges against her before ye drifted fully apart anyway. Sometimes people just.. stop liking each other. It happens. Hopefully after some time, you will be able to be civil to each other and get on a little, even though you probably won't be best friends again.

Friend no.2 - right after saying you've been food friends that past five years you call her the most selfish person you've ever met! that's not very nice. You're angry she came to your housewarming and left at ten?! You're angry she came to your birthday because she missed the meal and left early. To me it sounds like you're being a bit selfish. The world doesnt revolve around your housewarmings and birthdays, and especially when people have children (as you should know) you sometimes have to compromise on your social life. My friends don't have kids yet, but when they make an effort to show up at my housewarmings and birthdays i appreciate that effort -it's more than some friends do. I don't begrudge them for not being there from start to finish. And she calls you on the phone a lot, and you complain that she only talks about herself. Did you ever SAY it to her? Did you ever try call her and talk about yourself?
From your description she seems to be a single mother, who's "obsessed" with her daughter (which probably just means puts her first?!). and your comment that she has to get her daughter everything you get yours... that just sounds catty on your part. what do you care if her daughter gets the same things as yours?! You're the one who sounds like you're being competitive.

As for the third friend. Report her or don't report her, that's your decision. But avoiding her when you admit she's been there more than the other two? To me it sounds you're a bit jealous that she gets all these fancy holidays. Fair enough, it's normal to envy our friends a little when they seem to get more than us, but it looks like you're letting it ruin your friendship.

Like I said, I've had my fair share of falling out with friends, but i can admit when I could have been a better friend, or acknowledge why maybe they thought I wasnt putting in effort (even if I was). It sounds like you let things build up until you absolutely despise each of your friends, and because you don't actually SAY it to them, you think you're in the right, when really they can probably tell you're annoyed with them. In future when friends hurt you or dont meet your expectations, say it to them casually at the time and sort it out instead of lettting it build until you hate them, would be my advice.